explict dream left with wonder and guilt

[Freawaru]

Hi Dais,

that is a strange dream. Dunno, if it was a real projection or a symbolic dream.

I had an all to real dream one of those you think is just another day. I will start by saying I m a sadist and youll see why I stated that.

The dream started out with me walkin up a gravel drive way. the house was red and built on the edge of a rock mass over looking the ocean.

Red is often thought of as an emotional color, symbolizing anger or agression or - indeed - sex.

I could feel my feet on the gravel and i could smell the salt water.

Feet, a symbol for chakras and also a strong dream symbol - but I just can't recall the meaning, have to look it up. Bare feet - for example - are a typical dream metaphor of being vulnerable but also not shielded against either bad or good (remember that part in the Bible where the Lord ordered Moses to put of the shoes cause he was on holy grounds?).

Water/ocean: another symbol for emotions.

I then procceded in to the house thier I met a pretty young girl who i saw very clearly and deatailed. She was small with golden hair and fair skin.(more details on request).

Why was she there? Sounds as if she was waiting for you.

We started fooling around and one thing led to another. Well we got to the sex. I as always I got aggresive Once things got going she tried to get away from me. I could feel her pushing away and i heard her telling me she had to leave. I froced her to say and finished. After lights came though the window she said bye and she was gone. then i woke up.

I am no expert but it somehow does strike me as strange that she said bye. I mean why didn't she just run away once she could?

now heres the weird part. The next day I tried to project back to that place and I pulled it off I was thier now i didnt think it acualy worked. But any way I tried to recreate the girl I couldnt, I saw only her basic fetures with no face. and when i went to open my eyes i was hit by that shrinking into your self feeling.

She got from you what she wanted. Thus she did not return.

well with that being said I think I actully raped a girl in a spontanious projection. So I sincerly appolagise to the girl. I try my best to make sure my victems are willing. I really need an opion here.

Okay, my opinion - only based on what you wrote - is that if it truely was a projection she prepared the scenery and waited for (maybe even pulled) you there. The symbols are too strong and all pointing to the same direction.

The question remains *what* did she want? The sex? Possible, but somehow I think she would have returned then. Considering your present thoughts and pondering and bad conscience and your usual slayer behaviour (a la Buffy ) in dreams I think it possible that she wanted to get you to exactly this point of bad conscience. To feel how it is to be the "bad" guy, who had done wrong. After all, in this dream you were the kind of guy you usually hunt, right?

Just speculations

[Dais]

I spent s large chunk of my life atleast 7 solid years consumed by hate and despise. I became consumed by it. Untill finnally I became focused under these conditions. I soon realized why I hated so much and the intracit reasons behind my emotions. But then power came from the focused rage. the controled and logical hatred. I was stronger at that time then ever before I was feared and respected by peers and elders.

Then one day siting in a tranqual place i was hit by an opifany I had realized that spite my honor and have just cause for my hate that it was wrong to allow my self to be consumed and in doing that I was becoming what I hated.

So I then moved on. I hate no single being I hate only ignorence and hope to help stop fools from them selves.

Now I will give the final defination of my own sado/mashicism.
I dont like to make people suffer but I love to inflict pain on those that wish it. the idea of physicaly hurting the people I love is more passonate then holding hands so to say I have had and given orgasim from pain alone and that to me beats any normal physical act of love.. I also love to inflict pain on those that wish to hurt others for my own desires and a sense of justice. Slaughter the pigs I say.
well thats the simmered down version.

[Dais]

I wanted to mention some thing that I feel is significant in me getting help.
A fairly good healer/psychic told me that i may actualy have some kind of demon or I am some kind of demon on some level.

Now the other night before speaking with this person I was meditating and gathering energy. after a while of things going well my body started feeling more relaxed then after a few more moments I was flashed by an image of the face of a raging bloody vampire just a flash it didnt even break my trance but it did confuse the hell out of me because I was feeling pretty good up until the flash.

Now a few weeks prior to this incedent I was attack by this being in a dream and it was extreamly realistic. I could feel him tring to steal my energy not my blood when he was fighting me. I then said to hell with you I attacked him and tried to steal his energy he then ran away and i woke up.

Last night i tried to project looking in a mirrior/my body in bed
After a few minutes i was able to see my self looking in the mirror but i started to change shape and i was beging to feel it I then gave that up real quick. My face stared to get long like a lizard kinda an the back of my head started to form out like horns. that when i looked away.

All these events I feel are tied to gether some how

Dais,
I seriously doubt that you yourself are a demon. Otherwise, what would be the point of making steps to improve your life that you have? I understand how easy it is to turn to anger and thoughts of destruction when you or someone you love has been harmed. I'm not talking out my a.. here. I was raped at 16 and later watched my dad emotionally destroy my mother to the point of her death and then he committed suicide. So, I'm not a stranger to the darker side of life. I will tell you that my life improved tremendously after letting go of the anger and the need for retribution. It does nothing but bring harm to yourself. "Getting even" can be very detrimental to yourself. Not only emotionally, but especially spiritually.

I have no judgements one way or the other regarding your sadism. I have worked very hard to come to a place of non-judgement. Not saying that I've completely reached it, but I'm considered by family, friends and acquaintences to be very accepting of people, regardless of their choices. But, I do have strong beliefs that we attract whatever energy we put out. And, if you are putting out the energy of vengence and retribution, you are putting out a darker energy. With the consequence that you are going to draw that to you. This is what happens in mob mentality. In sports, if several people decide it's ok to throw things at the players, you'll very often see others feeling it's ok, too. Then, it's not a far stretch to find an entire mob of people rioting and throwing things at the players and each other. Fights then break out. The amount of negative energy just seems to escalate, because people are creating it, with others feeding off of it. The same is true for a spiritual retreat. I've been to ones where the energy in the air was so thick with love that just walking into the room can make you cry for joy.

So, what I'm trying to say is that if you want certain things to change in your life, look around and see what you are doing that is holding you back. Don't look at it from the standpoint of "well, I like doing this and that". Take the emotion out of it and look at it from a perspective outside of yourself. And, see if you notice a difference in the two viewpoints. Then, decide which one you want to go with. Neither of them are "wrong". It's a matter of choosing what it is you ultimately want. What is the grandest vision of yourself that you want to be?

[Dais]

Thank you all of you I have taken in to account all your opions and I swear I feel the love and desire to help when I read your words.

I think I have made a break thought with this on going issue of mine. I started doing specific meditations for love and compassion and I have looked at myself and my desires in a none emotinal manner. I learn that my own sadism is a result of not showing love to others for so long and a natural desire to consume power and to right wrong. I know that I love challenge and see grwoth and enlightenment in defeating these challenges.
As far as the demon goes I feel that it is just a side of me that has formed its own views on the world and that in my meditations I have become one with them. I have gained much insite in the last few days about myself and my goals even though I still desire to hurt the ones I love I dont make them suffer. physical pain is so exhilerating and I can feel love and passion in the pain.
I have also made a friend in my recent meditations and I can feel the love from it at all times. A tree that lives in my yard. He is kind and shareing to me.
I just want to say thank you again to you all for helping me I have love for you all.
THANK YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH
even though I really did it myself the idea of others tring to help me helped me. So thank you all

[Freawaru]

Dais,

while I do not buy into sado-maso games myself I do not see any harm in them either - provided that both sides want and enjoy them. Biologically there is a certain mechanism that floods the body with endorphins and morphins to counterbalance pain. You might remember being surprised to find you have been hurt (scratches, blue spots, whatever) while doing sports *afterwards*. While the the physical body is pumping those chemicals through itself pain is reduced and feeling good is enhanced - it is a survival mechanism that makes sure your mind and body work properly even when a bit damaged. The same happens f.e. during other very painfull times like giving birth, etc.

It seems, though, that for some people this counter-pain chemicals are flooded into the body more early than for others. Thus, for them, pain is close to pleasure. The internally created chemicals produce ecstasy that enhances the orgasm. The sadism becomes then a way of empathy, of giving pleasure rather than recieving it.

This said, IMO there is nothing wrong with being a sadist as long as you find a masochist as partner, i.e. someone who shares your pain-pleasure biology.

As to the demon, according to many mystics from Christianity, Hinduism and Buddhism we all have demons inside. In a way, this is the definition of being human. The question is: who is in comand? Is it one (or several) demons or is it YOU? When anger rules your life, the anger is in control - not you. Same for all other demons. The inner wars between good and evil, the struggle for control over ones demons and devils is our heritage, this is how we are - as humans.

You might remember that Buddhas and arahats (saints) are often pictured as standing on demons with their feet. This symbolizes they have won over the demon, they rule the demon - but they did not destroy it.

Freawaru, sorry for laughing, but I couldn't help it. In the interest of hoping to educate, I would like to explain something to you. You obviously have never given birth. LOL! I have and it is absolutely painful. Excruciating. Nope. No endorphins giving pleasure there. I'm a tiny bit of an expert here. I am a Registered Labor and Delivery Nurse. Never once have I seen a woman not either screaming or writhing in pain. I also took a Lamaze class in the mid 70's where we were lead down the primrose path to believe that we could overcome the pain by the breathing exercises. Nope. Never seen that happen with any of my patients who took Lamaze or myself. I'm sure somewhere out there in the great wide world is a woman or two who have experienced pain-free childbirth, but it's definitely not the norm. My understanding of biology is that when endorphins kick in, it is short lived. Most births average around 12 hours for the first baby. Sports and accidents, yeh, maybe. But, usuallly short lived endorphins. But, interesting perspective.

[sash]

I should probably point out in case it helps that negs 'love' any kind of violence, this kind is not separable, and in fact I've noticed negs seem to be attracted to all emotional activity.

Apart from this I would not have a problem with such avenues of expression either, a while ago I was encouraged to do therapeutic anger release in a "constructive" manner. However I found the effect is in actual manifesting and is to negs like blood to a shark in shallow waters.

It might be of aid to keep this prevalent on your agenda (re the demon and other curiously inclined concerns).

Keep in mind that there will always be people out there who will be glad to support you or help you throughout your path, this is an important asset in both knowledge and practice.

[Freawaru]

I KNOW Patty, I KNOW it is painfull - but try giving birth without the endorphins and morphins and whatever stuff there is: you would pass out. The endorphin release is different for different women (and different births), too.

A friend of mind gave birth to two children. She told me there was a real high during the first, not during the second, though. My own daughter came by a cesarian due to some problems, so I have not much own prolonged experience but I heard enough stories during the preparation time.

Patty, you might not believe it but I do think before I post.

[Dais]

I just wanna step back in here.
I never ment to give the impression that I thought that I was a demon.
I just ment that I have many inner demons or sides of my self that are evil to say. I have also taken control of the demons and have grown in strenght from becoming one with them or letting them take control(black out fighting ability). I have blacked out in fights and come back and all my foes were well.....I'll just leave it to imagination.

As far as the body deals with pain I understand fully about the endophines that the body puts out. I also know that this happens much faster when fear is not involved in the act of delivering and reciveing of pain. The mind will increase or decrease the pain delivered to it according to perceptions of how the person wishes to feel it.
Example(When I got my frist tattoo it was very painful at frist then I felt the endorphines rise from my skin and it felt good.)
When I went to get my seconed tattoo I forced my body not to numb the pain for me so I could feel it and boy oh boy it was great from start to end.
Or we could always use good ol kids for an example. Ever see a kid run full on into a wall and get up and lagh then scrape thier knee and start crying.
Fear and will play a large roll hear. but it is also a natural survival mech for the body to try and protect its self such as adrealin, endorphies, reflexs ect.