Nursing babies

[susan]

Past two mornings woken up feeling I've been crying. I've been having internal battles with my self over the wine and meat.
Last night watched a realy good program that had me laughing . With my dinner I had Less than half a bottle of white wine. I felt it was over the third but what the heck. Saturday night, eating my plateful of green cabbage, mange tout, pepper stir fry. How could life get more exiting than this.Thing is as I cooked a chicken Thai dish for hubby it smelt so gorgeous I wanted to taste it just to see if it was cooked thoroughly. I didn't but I did look longingly at it wishing and wondering. Sat down to a drink of ginger beer which I use in place of wine now. But if I have understood correctly this carbonated stuff is supposed to be not good.
So this has been the topic on my mind when going to bed and I suppose it's just going to throw up a lot of mixed up confusing dreams. I feel I'm playing a sympathy game with myself. Feel sorry for me. Why should I do this? Show me why I should do this. Problem is I know I'm playing a game trying to fool myself. Feel sorry for me and show me something beautiful like the silver city again. But I'm the one playing the game with myself. I cannot fool myself. Is this what is known as an ego battle?
Just two pieces I want to record from last night even though may just have been confused mind.
1) I'm in a landscape that is unknown to me , with someone but I feel we have to hide from the enemy. I don't understand what I'm seeing. They are not people but more like wooden puppets with round ball like faces. Then the enemy comes closer but they are human shaped now. One is wearing black but as he gets closer I realise this isn't the enemy. He is wearing a vicars robe down to the ground. ( thought a few weeks ago that I may have a new guide on the scene who would show as a vicar)
2) liminal stage and picked up ... Message coming in......I saw a mobile phone( my mind would create that anyway ) but there was a long message scrolling down but non of it was writing. It was a mixture of pictures, symbols, even what looked like geometry symbols. Non of it made sense.
Need to get back to a peaceful state of mind. No more games or self pity.

[susan]

Since this last post I've come to the conclusion that the only way to guarantee a battle free nights sleep is to address the dreams. Cut out alcohol altogether. 1/3 bottle of wine nightly is gone.
Signs are very positive. 5 nights now no alcohol and sleeping peacefully. Those short scenes( cannt realy call them dreams because there is no story associated with them, just a quick , short scene) that I wake up to are funny but meaningful suggesting a cleansing in progress.


Want to note here an example of why we should choose our words carefully and always think of the impact they will have on the person they are directed to.

Yesterday I was with an elderly lady (93) . 4 weeks since I had last seen her but there was a change in her. She was very down. Today she is having to go for more tests because they found a shadow on her lungs. So here we have an elderly lady who may be coming to terms with the news that she can not go on for ever and her days here on earth may be ending soon. Recently she had just lost a cousin and she showed me pictures of the hearse leaving from her house.
We had never talked of anything spiritual and finding the right angle to approach this topic took a bit but I asked her what religion she was , was she Catholic? This just opened the flood gates as she swung her arms in the air and started a verbal abuse about anything to do with the church. This was a lady who had lost her husband during the war and brought up her son on her own. He is buried in France and she often has family go over to France to lay flowers. She was showing a hatred and distrust for the church and any faith .
Some of this reaction may be due to her worry over health but there had to be more. Certainly at a time like this faith would be a help. She told me the story.
Last year, prior to a Remembrance service in her local church she had bought some silk roses in memory of her husband and gone into her local church to find a place to put them.
A woman who seemed to be organising things shouted across the church " No, you cannt put them there! " my lady told her she brings them every year and they are for her husband but this woman insisted indignantly that they were to be removed . They would have to go over with some others and displayed elsewhere and after the service. She brought them home upset .
Since last November my elderly lady has recalled this episode with disgust. This was someone who represented the church.( She may have just been a member of the community who's role it was to organise the display of flowers but nevertheless was still seen as a representative. ) Represented the teachings of this church and yet failed to show any compassion towards this elderly war widow who was bringing the same silk flowers to place in her local church that she arranges to have laid in France. Her visits to church have ceased and she sees all those within the church preaching the bible as hypocrites. Her faith has gone and she doesn't know what to believe now.
What a shame this stupid woman was present in church at the time of her visit. She failed to understand the importance of this lady's visit and the symbolic gesture of the flowers. She handled it shamefully. If she had allowed her to place them at the time then discreetly removing them to a different position later would have saved all this.
I've been thinking this for a while that there are many ' Hangers on' who I feel think it's good to be connected to the church and vicar and be seen to be doing charitable work for the community but when put to the test are just hypocrites.

[susan]

Two nights sleep and very different. Humour is back.
The other night I was being shown little scenes where it realy got my attention and made me think. There seemed to be a mother figure in the background and felt this person was instigating the advice.
This morning the nights sleep was very different .Woke up with a start at least 3 times. Each time funny scenes that had me want to laugh out loud.One involved The name of the guy who is doing some kitchen work for us and had him dressed as a big fat biker.
Fun was definitely the theme last night which was good. Twice I got the feeling this was male with a really good fun sense of humour. No advice, just fun.Each time I woke up it would be as if my mobile phone alarm had gone off to wake me. It hadn't .

The thing is the last two days I've been gardening loving it. Going to bed I've been determined to wake through the night and attempt to get out. Couldn't be bothered the other night so last night was determined and sent out a request to please help but each time I woke up I couldn't be bothered. Just went back to sleep.
I've said this before that the humour is like mine but funnier and whittier, and definately displays a male presence.
Is this part of me? or someone who knows me ? without me remembering.

[susan]

woke up yesterday to remembering someone being beaten up bleeding all over. One final punch and even more blood pouring out all over the floor as this person lays unconscious. This loss of blood is always an indication of fatigue , loss if vital energy.
This was so true. Too much heavy digging in garden, felt great till next day. Had to rest on bed most of day exhausted.

Another little caption this morning that took me a bit longer to work out but I think I've got it.
I'm sitting on the edge of a small wall of a large plot of land on the inside , which I think belongs to me. Someone ( husband?) is in the middle chopping wood. Someone in the distance is just watching silently. He looks like a man of wealth from the country in his clothing. He knows I've seen him but he doesn't come across. Just watches.
At right angles to where I'm sitting is the similar wall I'm sitting on but behind it is a large fence with a space inbetween. My thought goes to that if we were to move the wall closer to the fence it may not be noticed and we would aquire extra land.
This man is still watching then he just leaves without saying anything. I look in the distance away from our bit of property and its realy black as night but as I walk further towards husband closer to the centre of our land it gets brighter and brighter. Kids come on bicycles playing having fun. There's a bicycle for me.
Interpretation.
( No alcohol going fine, ginger beer in crystal glass working . I've come to the idea that it's the idea of addictions that have to be eliminated and the fact that I got it down to a small quantity I was drinking it every night. Everything I've looked up and read mentions the need to eliminate drugs/ addictions to progress further spiritualy. One site did mention the affect alcohol has on the way the brain works with higher frequencies. )
So last night ginger beer as usual but just curiosity as to how I would feel if I had a sip of my husbands wine. Would I want a second ? I took a small sip and found it bitter. Got used to a sweeter taste. Happy with this)
Back to interpretation-
By wanting to be sneaky and extending the wall I would be crossing the boundry. The man was watching but saying nothing. He seemed to be of importance. Just watching. Everything was dark outside my boundry but light and happiness inside my boundry.
I think to stay within the current boundry I have of -no wine- is the way forwards.

[susan]

Just to note for journal.
Such tiredness yesterday. Should be back to normal by now after a day resting . Got back from work early afternoon and no energy. Effort to stand and cook. Bed by 8.30pm.
Too tired to do any energy raising late afternoon, did none through the night. Slept well but feel the plug has been pulled out.
Totaly disconnected. Must get back on track!

[susan]

Just decided to google Kurt's website And reading one of his excursions witnessing a simulation taking place involving a woman .He writes of her being aware of certain rules she felt she should be aware of but not knowing what they were. During the simulation if she was correct the room became lighter and brighter and more illuminated. When she did the wrong thing the room became darker and denser. She was learning herself which of her actions brought her closer to Scource and which did not.

Co-incidence or not that I should choose that website and that one story to read just after recording my thoughts on my last dream ?
And I thought the plug had been pulled.

[susan]

Last two nights dreams I've been teased with the meat and wine.
People are giving me a plate of bacon and putting it in front of my face but I'm politely refusing. Next a policeman stops me in my car and needs to look for something. He empties my petrol tank( fuel , energy , body) and this disgusting slimy filth comes out . Two big pieces of rolled up slimy filth comes out. (there was no sense of smell in the dream.)
Last nights dream had me sitting in a bar with my father and a lady who worked behind a bar in physical. As I look at her throat it looks strange and not nice to look at. She has a hole in her throat and a big black lump. In the dream I'm trying to work out if this is cancer of the throat or if it's the scar from a tracheotomy . I politely refuse the wine because I know I should be in a coffee bar instead.
Next someone comes looking for me to take me up in the lift to meet dad.
Then I come out of my house ( this is the first time I've dreampt of being in my own house I live in instead of my late father's) .As I look at the bottom of the street there are bells ringing. They are massive like big Christmas bells, bigger than me. Sparkly red and a sparkly silver one. There's green tied around them just like Christmas colours.

Out of these two dreams the points that stand out are
1) the disgusting filth coming out of the engine.
2) the horrible thing on the woman's throat.
Is this how hypnotism works? Is my subconscious or other trying to plant the disgusting idea of the filth and ugly mark on the throat so when I'm tempted I think like that ?
Time will tell.

[susan]

Babies are back and I'm not sure if I'm the baby or I'm nursing the baby or I'm both . I think both. A short dream recalled where there is a baby sitting up on the bed being supported by me. Someone gets up and goes away. Baby says something and I am so pleased because it can talk. The baby repeats what I say with " yes isn't it wonderful" . I pick up the baby saying lets go and tell Daddy. As I pick it up the body is so limp and I'm afraid I'll drop it . I then hear a very tinny metal type voice, high pitched speaking in a language I don't understand. End of dream.

Comments.
I've heard this same sound before and the same type of words before about 2 years ago around the beginning of this journal. I don't think the words are important just symbolic .
Is this to do with communicating and understanding . Maybe I have a chakra that still needs work on to interpret messages coming through. Could this be connected to the previous dream of being told a message was coming through and seeing a mobile phone with a load of geometry symbols I didn't understand.
Kurt talks of the development of each chakra associated with the different energy bodies needing to be working.
Don't know, could just be my dreaming mind and wishful thinking but I have a feeling not.
Going to bed with the intention of trying something and wakening up plenty of times but just cannt be bothered.

[susan]

Babies are back and I'm not sure if I'm the baby or I'm nursing the baby or I'm both . I think both. A short dream recalled where there is a baby sitting up on the bed being supported by me. Someone gets up and goes away. Baby says something and I am so pleased because it can talk. The baby repeats what I say with " yes isn't it wonderful" . I pick up the baby saying lets go and tell Daddy. As I pick it up the body is so limp and I'm afraid I'll drop it . I then hear a very tinny metal type voice, high pitched speaking in a language I don't understand. End of dream.

Comments.
I've heard this same sound before and the same type of words before about 2 years ago around the beginning of this journal. I don't think the words are important just symbolic .
Is this to do with communicating and understanding . Maybe I have a chakra that still needs work on to interpret messages coming through. Could this be connected to the previous dream of being told a message was coming through and seeing a mobile phone with a load of geometry symbols I didn't understand.
Kurt talks of the development of each chakra associated with the different energy bodies needing to be working.
Don't know, could just be my dreaming mind and wishful thinking but I have a feeling not.
Going to bed with the intention of trying something and wakening up plenty of times but just cannt be bothered.

( 17 th April 2015)
I've just googled ' tinny voice ' and have been directed back to my own journal to this page.
So I didn't understand the tinny voice before but did the other morning.
I wonder if this is a chakra that needed developing and may be operational now ?

[susan]

Revised edition of C W Leadbeater The Chakras, ( annotations by Kurt Leland) suggests the western system of chakras relates to the mortal personality, linked to the etheric double, and the astral and mental body. ( physical health, emotional happiness and intellectual and psychic power) Also that the eastern system concerns the immortal individuality , often linked to the casual body. This is suggesting the reason why chakra systems may be perceived differently .
Suggestion being made is that there could be 7 chakras for each of our 7 bodies( vehicles of consciousness) . Each wheel/ chakra/ revolving disc, are points of connection where energy flows from one body to the next body. So I suppose each chakra is connected to its similar chakra to its higher body. 49 Chakras !
I suppose there's only so much we can do in physical.