saying that i fail miserably at being gentle. with practice there is failure, the practice alone is the success. by my experience, and no, i dont let failures keep me from trying. fear is part of it, just like the other side of fear...self-exaltation. it's like being between two demonstrative human choices, knowing that neither is really in your favor, but gathering understanding whilst you go right on ahead and do what you knowing better not to do.
it is like a dream i had a month or so back, a radiant woman was the only light within an endless darkness, and these long whips coming out of the dark were woefully lashing her for being there. her crys were agonizing, and voices of accusation condemned her from the darkness. couldnt see where any voice or whip was originating. but i was right there with her...witnessing her torment. oddly though, she had not one mark on her, as if to say, none of it was actually physical in nature, but rather, it was perhaps as dreams go, symbolic of any one's fields of consciousness within. it aint over till it is over, i reckon so.
Unreflected:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeXtJ5bdjHM
skipping a flat stone across the surface of water goes the distance; while a round stone thrown falls short every time.
we've had so much rain this year that the water striders (insect) are in the thousands on the surface of the creek running down the side of our land. even when the creek is up, those striders are busy correcting there position, pressing ever harder upstream, looking like they are not moving at all. yet, much water is ever moving/raging upunder them. phenomenal life, and what the eye can visually catch, seeming stop motion upon streaming movement.
learning new stuff is the easy part, implementing new stuff is not easy. not easy because old stuff gets in the way.
like today, we are cleaning our garage out, lots of packed boxes that have made as many as four moves. i open one box with paperwork in different file holders. so i go through them all, and in one find a picture of me from 12/2003, when i was hospitalized for various health problems. i was unrecognizable, in a condition of having been much unloved by those familiars living right in the same home. two months later on groundhog day, i awoke to find the house empty, clearly remembering my then wife kissing me on the mouth, saying something or other that i had not been awake enough to hear or remember. short story is, they did not return, and i didnt know what was going on for a few days. but i had the local sheriff checking it out, and he found them, my ex had moved in with another man, her drug dealer, and my son was not with her, but the sheriff in speaking with her was told that he was alright, with friends. so the sheriff felt to let it go, yet i knew nothing beyond that for the next month and a half. the man i had lost that i had become ill just up and died of a completely broken heart. and by the grace of god, whatever it was that was left made it through. enough was enough, ya understand? during that time i lay broken in the kitchen floor by the entry door. had three cats and a dog which lay with me, as close as they could get, as if to be of me. their noises were the sounds of anguish, especially through the night. that's the worst hurt i've felt in life, the kind that doubles ya up in tremorous pain. it was february, and mighty cold, and i quickly ran out of split wood for our woodburning stove which we relyed upon the most for heat. somehow i went out each day and split enough wood for the day, and i tightly rolled old magazines tied with steel wire to stretch out what i had. i even burned some big ole books. once the stove was banked it would last a good while. the only vehicle i had was my truck, which had sat in the driveway for three years unused, and it didnt run. i finally got some groceries through an old friend who stopped by out of the blue and saw my appalling condition, and saw strait away to help me. that's when friends i didnt know i had, neighbors even, got involved. god is good, of that i've absolutely no doubt; never requiring any further "means" of certitude.
so, relative to all that and more even, failure is most often a miserable feeling, when ya understand god is good. i cant say as it is knowing, but it is a good feeling to be known.
so, i cryed today for the fella in the 2003 picture, i will always remember him just as he somehow re-membered god, that god loved him; and yet loves me, this here fella fashioned from a ship wreck into lord knows what.
But, i showed that picture to my wife, she'd never seen it before. she said, my god Tim. i started crying then and she held me. she said, tim dont go back there. i said, i got to...for in these tears of remembrance is part of what helped what was left that i might be here right now. ya see, he and me, we got us a skip on the waters between us, an upstream press even when the waters raged upunder us, together seeming as stop motion upon streaming waters.
hey, thanks for the little bit of love,
Give a Little Bit:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yKHUsxis60
taking all that to get ME right here, so be it. it's all good if good is what ya got right now.
I Don't Ever Give Up:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktpTyT1Wj_I
Tim
p.s. thanks to the stranger of a little boy who showed up when all was lost, took me by the right hand, and led me to the Father. We are One. Into Dust:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBQZ4M2Uv5c
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