I'm down and need help

[buzzcock]

I'm having a really difficult relationship with my family. Its been this way on and off 4 years. It all feels so thorny and hard to find a way out. And I feel hopeless and full of anger, not knowing where to go next. I've been trying to get a grip on myself to improve things, like being more "conscious" and positive, but everytime I make progress either things go wrong again or I get bought down by my own feelings. And I've felt stuck and unable to make real connections with people outside my family for a few years more. I don't want to say more as I don't know where to start. I just wanted to get it out really.

[ButterflyWoman]

Quite honestly, there ARE some family situations where the best and only course of action is to do what you've mentioned: LEAVE. I do suggest that this should be a last resort, of course, because cutting ties with family is a very long process and quite energy intensive, plus emotionally a roller coaster (yes, this is the voice of experience!). But persistently toxic people, especially ones with whom you have a lot of psychic ties that go back a long way, will poison you. You have to decide if you can prevent the poisoning (I decided I could not; they were in no way inclined to change ANYTHING about their relationship with me or their own attitudes and I couldn't continue being continually poisoned if I wanted to heal and grow), and if the relationships are worth saving at all (sometimes they are, sometimes not).

Would you want to hang out with these people if not for the family connection? Do you have anything in common aside from a shared history and the label "family" (and possibly DNA)? Are you trying to maintain the relationships due to a sense of guilt, duty, obligation, etc., or because you genuinely want to maintain the relationships? And so on.

I can't tell you what to do. I will, however, suggest that you need to seriously think about the nature of your relationships with your family, and I will assure you that while it might be seen as drastic by a lot of people, it is something that some people feel they MUST do, and it does, eventually, prove to be positive. I'll also note that unless you leave by burning a lot of bridges and making a big drama out of it, you can, often, rekindle family relationships at some point if you feel you want to.

I will also absolutely recommend for your own peace of mind and well-being that you need to start doing tie-cutting rituals immediately, and also (important!) practice psychic shielding. As you cut, there will almost certainly be backlash, so it's important to have shielding in place. And keep cutting and keep shielding until it becomes second nature.

And if you decide to continue in these relationships, I still recommend tie-cutting and shielding. If a tie is meant to be there, it is easily (and sometimes unintentionally) re-established. The shielding will help in all circumstances, and it's a good habit to be in. So start there, and then assess your relationships and decide as you go. There's no rush. Protect yourself first.

I hear you. I wish you healing and peace.

[eyeoneblack]

Would you want to hang out with these people if not for the family connection?

I knew years ago that if my Mother was simply a person I had met at some point, I would not have been her friend. My value system said I didn't like her. That was a reasonable assessment. But then there is the guilt, culturally implanted, that one should love and respect his/her parents. I struggled with that for some years. But, eventually I had no other option than to 'divorce' my parents. I found some amount of peace with that, but then I was required to re-evaluate my opinions and to try to embrace them in the knowledge that 'it' was the best they could - damaged as they were - and knowing the damage that was mine to forgive, best I could, and rest a little more peacefully.

[Dreamweaver]

Buzzcock - how old are you?

[eyeoneblack]

I'm Grandad. 62. The young may rule, but the oldsters (some of us) understand.

Please don't forget that.

[btw, Our esteemed leader is 58.]

[buzzcock]

Thanks for any good thoughts and replies. I'm not sure what I want to say about myself, but I am working on myself to improve some issues.

[Dreamweaver]

. Working on one'self is a lifelong endeavor. The adventure sure looks different at 13 vs 30 vs 60.

[ButterflyWoman]

Yes, working on yourself is infinite. When you get through the really big stuff, you do the not as big stuff and then the medium stuff and on and on until you're sifting through the finest, most subtle distinctions, things that nobody but you would even understand, let alone recognise. The doesn't seem to be an end, but when you get to the end of "you", you start to connect with the reality that "you" created in interesting ways, and you start to get the desire and ability to work on THAT, because you know it's an extension of "yourself".... It's a very interesting process, to say the least.

[Yoda909]

Hey Buzzcock,

I agree with Butterflywoman. Sometimes in hot scenarios it is best to LEAVE. At other times, it is best to be a good tree and branch out into some new ideas. I've found in my first acknowledgments of what we are oh so interested in--the human mind--that there needs to be interesting balance, right and left brain so to say. I'm not sure which is which, but one side works with math and language processes and perception, the other visual, holistic i.e. pictures and drawings, symbols. When the two sides of the brain synchronize, there are effects. Maybe you can start working with either or.

[buzzcock]

I'm in a bit of a thorny situation. I've had a very complicated relationship and I need to not get down about it, i need to "defeat the demons" in me. The strongest thing I've found to help is this tibetan Chod practise, and just doing new things and meeting new people, but it is very slow going, and I'm still struggling. I've been through some bad experiences that scared me and made me feel bad about myself, but now I just need to get over them and be a good dad to my kids.