It was reccomended that I start writing how i feel and how the past has effected me. And in addition to that i have begun using prayers to release trapped emotions and to dissolve beliefs. I appologize if this post seems weird and even pathetic, as things are very weird and that is how my life has become.
I got up the nerve to start a journal after becoming very frusturated and spending a whole night afraid and not able move my bed for fear of the telepathy- that i'd upset the neg and the neg would upset others. When I got the journal and wrote in it, the neg said it was brodcasting my thoughts out to the people they related to. I began to develop a careless sort of attitude, as the i ching (or at least what negs maniputated the iching to say) said that this was a good thing, and that though my behaviour would be considered selfish, it was for the bennifit of all. The writing was very cartharthic, and it was like getting a weight off my shoulder. The neg put these sounds of one of the people i cared about crying hyserically when i wrote about something. I contunued, and continued, felt big releases of repressed emotions, and then began to take a salt bath, got out, and burned some insence.
At one point, afterwards I had turned on an album. I merely wanted music and did not associate the album with anything more than good music. The idea to put the album on may have beem put in my mind by the neg, or it could have come from somewhere else, i don't know.
When i played the album I began to see it differenty and each of the songs now related to my situation. It became the most meaningful album I'd ever listened to. And It was litereally like each song in the album was written for me, which felt like a gesture of compassion by the universe. And the songs also related to the one person who was on my mind and who i had possibly made suffer greatly because of my actions (writing and things and in the past), and the actions of the neg. The neg caimed to be brodcasting songs into her mind. But still, through out the album and every single song on it, i cried tears of joy since it was all so simialr, so uplifitng, and so freeing, and i also began to feel deeply embarised at certain points. I thought it to be an indication that I was getting ready for the next stage of my life, and that i was going to get better.
The songs had thoughts, possibly being brodcasted into her mind, that would have implied that i was moving on from speaking to her, that i, from her perspective, was annoyed with her, and messages about how one should not be supprised for the leaving of another. A certain song contained chants of the lyrics, "she knows.." And at the end, the song, A little better, among the last lyrics were, "Take your time. What would you say if you knew you was dying.... Take your time. What would be on your mind if you knew you was dying."
At first I thought this last quote could have been the absolute indication that what I was doing was a good idea. Then this notion or feeling disentegrated when I remembered a healer said my life's purpouse was to get through what i was going through (i don't know if he ment there was anything else later.) And then a hard and painful idea, like or much like an intuition wedged itself into my mind, skull, and body- that this very well is what I am hear to do. I do hope there is more afterwards, that the idea comes just from the negs, but at that moment I absolutly broke down-- I broke down and began to sob and to cry hysterically. I began to think that I would never get to become a healer or a musican, and that I was just here to struggle my whole life and then die. Then the thought came that I would not be able to do what it was I must, which was remove the negs--if it indeed is what i must, with this horrible meaningless emptiness. At that point I then asked for an abulance to be driven to my door. I ended up in a hospital, and am now in a psych ward.
And in it all there is this looming terror regarding that me putting my thoughts out that caused so much suffering and embarisment for people, and that someone, possibly my hs, decided to cut off my plan and to shove me in here, this mental hospital, so that I would no longer cause others to suffer.
There is deep meaningless in my situation. There have been many contrived synchronicities and coincidences. Everything i do makes things worse. It seems like I am an automation now, my reality is an automation, and so are the voices and the negs in my life. Nothing is what it seems, and everythig acts like a stupid machine. The slightest mistakes and the slightest slopiness seems to reflect back often as horrible and painful suffering and even physical injuries. i do not know what do to.
I don't know if anyone can give any advice for my situation, or if you might be able to reccomend someone who can. but if you can say anything at all, i do hope it would help.
-josh
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Originally Posted by dirge32
thank you
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