Dontco's Journal (Spiritual Journey Into The Self)

[dontco]

Thanks, CFT, you're the best I really appreciate that. I don't have schizophrenia running in my family but the closest thing I can think of is when my grandma had a scary attack a long time ago but it was B12 related and it happened only once. And I'm (almost- 2 days away) 23 years old. I think it may be hitchhikers.

An interesting thing- maybe it's somehow me manifesting this in some way? because when I feared schizophrenia (mainly because I'm about to study psychology & I don't think it's going to be very good for my career) I feared hearing voices (even though I've had mild OCD since I was about 12) and the male talked in THE most annoying voice I could ever think of-sort of like Janice from Friends in male form- it would have been pretty funny if I wasn't so darn scared and I feared seeing images in the physical- and that's exactly what has happened to me (I thought it was in the physical but it turned out it wasn't)! and the images looked so clear.
I forgot to mention that before I fell asleep I thought the most horrible thing that could happen to me would be losing control of my body and in the last time, when it got on my back- my astral body got paralysed and that was one of the reasons why I got so panicked. And after I woke up my physical body started shaking if it makes any sense? maybe it was because I lost energy?

And BTW, regarding confabulation- I do sometimes get glimpses of astral things I can't see- for example- when I thought it may be an incubus who tried to attack me (wrote about it in another thread) the next day or so there was something above my head so I thouched it and as I did I got glimpses of a black hoodie- it was full inside but it had no hands nor head attached to it. I thought I might have manifested it from thinking about it too much (like attracts like, right?)

In the meantime, I started sleeping on my back and it seemed to help because the attacker seems to always attack me from the same spot on the side on my bed- when I sleep with my back to it.
Thanx again

[IA56]

Hi dear Dontco,
I might be wrong, I tell you what I feel when Reading your journal....It feels like the structure of illusions/imagenry/false-survival structures collaps..it is a horrible time, and it will take all what you have of sanity to keep you together and not get lost in insanity...
Keep your cool, you will survive and not get crazy.
Enter into your knowledge, you trust too much the outside World, when all what is real and matters is inside of you.
As I wrote some time ago, I was so terrified and was so sure something outside of me is threatening me...so I coverd my face in a pillow and coverd my ears not to hear when it comes, I did prepare me for what was coming, I was in total terror and fear, but accepted what may come, I did trust all is well, and I did breath and tried to keep my cool as best I could...but big surprise...what was coming and what I feared so much, did come from my inside...a magnific light, I have never experienced such glory in light and blessing and it did come from my inside, I did have no-where to go but to let it come, and it was fantastic, all my fear dissapered and the most wonderful Peace did stay in my whole body and apperance.
So dear Doncto, I know all about hallusinations both hearing and sight, but it is the false Construction what has to ramble and collapse for us to see the real reality, and it is beneficial even the road to it is many time horrible.
You are doing good, keep up the good work

Much Love
ia