GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

-manifesting text from l wanting to come over right when i felt so low after best friend flaked on coming again and had his dad bring food. that was specifically in my list of intentions,too
-deciding to make the most of the day after that and being really productive and positive trying to take back my life
-getting a toaster bought for me,and two cat toys one for brother's cat,and one for my mom's
-getting a driving lesson in and noticing i'm getting calmer behind the wheel
-getting two rooms cleaned
-music
-how exciting and motivating it was knowing l was coming by and that i had manifested by desires i set in January. It is so freeing.
-coffee
-how nice it felt to just lay down
-getting business call done and it going better then i thought. contact from past wants to possibly buys ads and partner with us,all kinds of things. so cool. so good it felt to be productive! and not just doing spiritual exercises.
-getting pic chosen for work project that just came to me as the perfect one.
-buying some new lingerie from a shop i like in the morning
-doing laundry.i love doing laundry for some reason. have no idea why.
-the overcoming agoraphobia book i've been reading
-ok,so as it turns out,drama happened when l came by. i had negative momentum going all week and was apparently pms-ing and didn't bother to do much spiritual exercises all week,and did none actually that day despite being really productive,but i'm grateful l came by
-that when l left despite feeling hurt he walked out on me,that I didn't get a bad feeling this time.i just felt like i'd see him again. I think this is part of the inner work i've done since January.
-that maybe l not pushing for sex and saying to sex actually means he likes me a lot and respects me. he seemed to get offended I wanted sex after i got upset about the texts and asked if it was a guy or girl that sent them so i think he thought i was using him.i may even have a memory(the fight was a blur) that he said i can use him for sex some other time.i threw a fit seeing something that made me insecure with him,then went to check my phone and got something in my phone and i just demanded sex angrily from l and he said no and i blurted out all these embarrassing things about what i really think of him,that i actually like him,and did want sex,and accused him of leaving to see another girl. i was crying and said i hate him and that we are never hanging out again. it was so embarrassing. It's crazy how i attracted this whole night. But,I had negative momentum I don't think i cleared,and the other odd thing is i got a different l this time then the last. Last time he was agressive and forceful and i worried he was using me for sex and this time he was so different,and gentle and just wanted to cuddle. it's so strange! I think it' because I cleared up some things about L since I had last seen him but even still,i'm still sort of weirded out by it. the other night with l brought up a lot of new limiting beliefs to the surface,and showed past ones I had now cleared..and honestly,in that regard it's kind of interesting. Best of all,manifesting L back and as fully as I have thus far has been very,very rewarding and validating for me. I realized he had sort of been in me ever since December,even when I focused on other things and i'm just beyond grateful because manifesting him was proof of clearing a lot of things for me and proving a lot of things i wanted proven. I'm so glad loa can get more simple and natural again. We are always thinking as it is,and to think there's certain things that are wrong or impossible literally defies loa logic. I think that's why i'm so happy despite l and i fighting and him making me feel awful..because i've seen how much i cleared,and have a natural,soft inner knowing,oh i'll see him again and that just feels so good. that's how i want it to be.
-feeling unafraid actually when i got that threatening text.i was just bothered by the drama after the l thing i had gotten upset about and if that text never happened,i would've handled the l thing much differently which brings me to
-that after that,i found a new sense of freedom and inspiration. i had let another thing interfere with my life from the emotional drama b.s since last year. and this made me decide it's time to let go of that pain,and just start living my life like everyone has said. i realized life has through l been trying to get me to do that,too but instead i've been focusing on it,still and wanting l to turn to and i realized i can't do that,even if he had said orginally i could. i have to let go of it. it just made so much sense suddenly. i had been wanting l as a crutch. maybe this bothered him.
-how amazing l is sexually. i actually think he may be the best lover i've had,and we've never even had sex yet. I don't know what it is,but he is different. other guys,they are more boring and predictable. l is more unique.
-the amazing messages i got from this girl on an loa site that's been tremendously helpful with identifying core limiting beliefs from childhood trapping me now,and seeing loa in action through her stories and me sharing mine.also the amazing advice she gave me that makes loa so much easier.
-how beautiful and accepted l makes me feel. he loves my butt which is one of my parts i'm insecure of and that's quite a compliment considering what he does for a living. it's always a compliment if someone who does what he does for a living finds you attractive.
-waking up to the cat on my head last night. lol. so cute.i think he was mad at me for sleeping a lot.
-how cute the cat was i think being suspicious of l at the house,but then also trying to sleep with us later.
-getting caught up on a new affirmations list
-deciding to up my goal of walking to coffee shop to twice a week so it becomes more and more normal and today when I went,feeling more relaxed,and calm and getting checked out a lot by the guys and male workers there. it was so confusing,i had worried did i look weird or something. i was dressed so bummy,but i am pretty sure it was flirty and it made me feel kind of good.
-deciding a new agoraphobia goal today,that i will walk to another shop closeby,too i think today. there's something i want that normally i'd buy with best friend,but i feel inspired to do it alone and get it myself and i think it'd be a perfect next step from the coffee goal
-my style
-my beauty
-how good it feels to know i am going to get back on track with things now. i'm dedicating today to affirmations.
-getting in tune with my wants,even if i dont know how i can get them.i want a new apartment.i want to live more northside,still. i actually want to live in l's neighborhood.
-ideas
-feeling safer in the apartment again lately
-feeling more confident lately about myself in the little things
-feeling more empowered,little by little
-how great my teeth are,and starting to feel more confident about those again
-that i'm about 1/3 of the way through the month. it's been quite bumpy but i haven't done much spiritual work and had been in a bit of a negative momentum since around march 1st
-getting my time of the month the morning after l left,and feeling much calmer. very odd i tend to attract negativity before i get it.
-sweaters
-that i'm starting to feel my life will get more normal now,and am starting to get clarity on what i want that's normal. in other words,i'm starting to feel it now,like feel it real.
-best friend coming in early morning the night after he flaked. i sensed he felt bad. reassurances i got from him that he tells me not to tell his dad certain things,too which proves certain things.
-being honest with myself that i do have a paranoid problem so i can know i'm often assuming wrongly and am going to start taking more deeper actions to remedy this.
-my will starting to feel even stronger these last 24 hours or so,and maybe even few days before.i almost feel like i can will anything right now,and that makes me feel confident.
-how tight my backside had gotten
-the protein drink i had thursday with maca and ginger,and almond milk to keep me feeling energized and strong for the day
-understanding other's biases,and not letting that affect me
-best friend's dad calling the number that texted me to
-getting best friend to take certain things back yesterday he had said that bothered me recently