what a conundrum i'm in. feels like a turning point for me,but maybe it's not.realizing today it's the 3 month mark with D of talking made me realize how i don't usually get past that with guys,so maybe D and I are really over. I was so mad at him for being distant with me yesterday just sending me a pic and saying he'd rather talk in person and then i seen something that made me get jealous and wonder things again and after telling friend,they thought was he maybe trying to get a reaction out of me because of how i was the past two days and get action,like taking the gloves off,fighting back. so i deleted him off facebook.i then was feeling so depressed and didn't want to go to my plans that i told D thanks a lot for that but then i did end up going. I kissed a guy and told him. I had sent pics of being out and about,too(not of me of course or of anyone but just of the bus) and texted all up until 5 am about random things but his last text to me was at around after i told him i kissed someone and how i wanted him and he hurt me and judged me. he just said i have wanted you this whole whole time.i dont even know if ill hear from him again now or if he thinks im a hypocrite or what,but a person can only put up with so much.i can see i did a lot wrong,too throughout all of this and just don't know how to solve it. why would anyone stick around after all this.

-italian ice after a night of drinking
-food and how good it tastes after drinking and how intense my tastebuds are from a vegan diet.
-soda after a night of drinking to help hangover
-this whole night making me realize D is what iwant
-going to a cool club i've never been to. the cool concept of the venue and free drink with coat check
-doing cool things i havent much experience with or no experience with such as taking a decked out party bus
-dancing
-feeling prettier last night and getting more compliments then usual and looks then i feel i've gotten in recent times of going out socially
-my resourcefulness with styling
-that my friend E encouraged me to come out after saying i wouldn't even though E actually did end up offending me later and seemed more distant towards me then he's ever been.
-girl i thought i didn't like but didn't know well eyeing me a lot at party and complimenting me a lot and seeming to want to talk to me actually being pretty cool and reminding me a lot of me and being less intimidating then i thought
-the weight i lost and am losing
-my best friend
-E actually wanting to take a picture with me which he never has not since our early days of hanging out but i think that's because i think he knew i'm very picky about pics and being online tagged in pics and i actually was taking pics with him earlier that night so he knew it'd be ok
-taking pics
-getting over insecurities and being confident and facing fears that make me a better person
-that i must be more surrendered to my feminine energy because men are seeming more masculine too though masculine energy can be kind of scary at times. it is interesting to see interactions with people and how they change and how energy changes as well as people change and your knowing of them changes
-how long my hair is
-the nice guy who kept the guy who i kissed but then wouldnt leave me alone away from me
-checking things off my list i wanted to do/have to do and my load lightening little by little now


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