-going tanning today
-coffee
-tofu scramble sandwich for breakfast
-after breakdown last night,the calm i felt in the evening. i felt very rational and relaxed.i hurt myself. pretty bad. i wanted B to know how hurt i was.it got triggered by such a stupid and impatient reason.i wanted to post something online to express myself inspired by B stuff and it kept glitching even though i had written something very inspired and nice and it triggered all these feelings when i couldnt. i got my post up later with a much more shortened post. the writer in me likes to tell a story,but sometimes,you have to go with the flow which i really did not. after the breakdown in my calm,i realized it's time to go full no contact with B if i want any chance of him back quickly. i now am not mentioning him to friends,checking anything online of him,doing tarot on him,or googling how to get him back type stuff. today is the first day of that,and it's hard. it takes willpower but i feel a little better from it,too and like my intuition is strengthening.i realized that even just 5 minutes total of checking someone online can lead to them being in your mind for like 2 hours total a day plus addthat to mentioning them,and it's no wonderyou can't detach with all that you do keeping them in your mind. i realized today i really do let the guy's i like consume my mind.i also realized the dance of energy with things of why from the metaphysical reason me and B fell apart and it was pretty obvious. i was on the pedestal from the start and the moment i realized i did like him i said oh s--- and worried and kept having things manifest to worry about. we even had little arguments the days before we met up the last time and the last night before i met up with him that last time,i confided in a friend how much i wanted friends night outs like B has and how much that would've helped me and i remember thinking and telling another person how i wished i had some space between D and B a little bit,because i feel I rushed into things with B.irealized with perfect clarity last night it went from B being the one more into me and me on a pedestal to me putting too much energy on him by the end.i got attached. That's exactly when it fell apart. I learned playing it cool isnt playing games,but it is something that is beneficial to do with all things from an energy/loa perspective to keep us balanced and things in our favor. i had wanted so much to give everything to B(metaphorically)and to not play games and to just be "real" and now i realize as much as i should love and comfort that desire of mine,playing it cool isn't being fake,but is something that is beneficial to us,for our own healing and balance and staying centered. there is no big soul lesson with B that's been revealed,which is one of many reasons i don't think we are done,the universe just wanted me to check myself and get me back on the right path,and have me see is this what I even want.i think i needed this time to see things more clearly and it makes sense loa wise how this happened now. i feel almost a sense of dejavu as i write this.i took myself off the pedestal way too quickly. if i had played it cool like i did from the beginning,this never would've happened. i was acting low value by the end.i'm glad the lessons of why this fell apart has come to me.i thus far believe B and I are meant to explore more with each other,and this was just the universe's way of saying time out and check with yourself about what you are doing and what's really going on. with how bizarre things have went since we last saw each other,that's the only thing that makes sense. By tomorrow,i will likely stop mentioning him on here and another forum as well,to more fully implement no contact,since that's the last thing i need to cut that has anything to do with him.
-deciding that i iwll spend 5 minutes every hour until i go to sleep to just sit in silence.i guess you could say it's meditation but less regimented.i did this once,and got a lot of clarity from it. so much good and healing happens when you give yourself nothing and that space of nothing.i think my more regimented meditation isn't as disciplined and i will change how i do it since it's guided and i lay down and think too much during it. taking 5 minutes an hour to do nothing is somehow much more powerful.
-the color green.it's my favorite color. B wore green sometimes and had some green in his apartment. i had been wanting green in my apartment for some time now and i think i will start looking into that finally. it's such a healing and energizing color.
-almond milk
-clean diets
-finding something cool i wanted for valentine's day
-being a witty,and thoughtful writer and really good at writing notes,and online dating profiles. i'm quite good with words.
-weird things that stop me in my tracks and go hmm. such as today,at the salon,they played the exact song as last week iwas there the day B officially told me this wont work out. this lyric kept standing out "when everything's made to be broken,i just want you to know who i am." this song seems to sum up me and B quite well. both of us being very in tune saying nothing in life is perfect and how he has these things he was hiding and i found them out and it made him vulnerable and embarrassed and that's when he ran away. i adore him.i want to say love because i'm a spiritual person and feel those feelings perhaps somewhat easy but that's nothing to be ashamed about.i never thought i'd go out with a nerdy guy,and fall for one,but even with his dork-ish traits that sometimes slightly embarrass me,i like him.i feel a kismet connection to him.
-my loving spiritual music i found in january. how healed and loving it makes me feel listening to it.
-my desires
-getting my ambition and desire to be productive back again. today has been the most normal day since this time last week so that is good.i feel a little lonely and empty and have since B did this to me,but i know i'll be ok,and to be strong and embrace it
-the weather being nicer and snow melting
-serendipity
-things that come about reminding me of my own spiritual awakening
-the little things in life
-my best friend and how amazing he is and that God sent him to me.how much he's grown as a person.
-colors and what can be done with colors
-the sun
-fresh air and how great it feels
-my wisdom
-how soft,open,and vulnerable i feel. it's maybe scary for some,but it helps me relax actually. it's a deeper surrender to feel cuddly,and wounded,and a desire to love and be loved,and to admit i feel really hurt.i feel helpless,sort of and though that's not an empowering word,i think it's ok to admit weakness
-my goals. as hard as it may be to believe in certain things ever happening,and as heartbroken as i feel about many things in life,i know,in good time,things do manifest
-my maturity and that all the things i've been through and has made me a more accepting person then the average person
-observing reality
-my accomplishments
-the things that intrigue me. for example,buddhism lately is intriguing me. not sure why.
-time slowing down this last hour. a good sign.
-yoga pants
-nice people
-knowing that this month and next are significant so just to sit tight and not worry about things.and,by then april,well that'll be a hard month,plus it might be eclipse again. these next few months will be intense.i shouldnt and am not trying to predict and control life,but i do think starting now that the next few months will be interesting and a lot of unfolding
-all the work offers kicking in and how busy my life can get depending on what i accept
-dreamt of B four days at least in a row now. wonder what that means.
-relaxation and surrender
-all the epiphanies from even just 5 minutes of real meditation. so grateful. im still feeling the affects.
-inner guidance
-how thoughtful iam
-my desire to love and be love
-getting my favorite incense yesterday
-not taking things personally especially after seeing some people have negative biases and just want to shut down all kinds of things no matter what even when it makes no sense and so is clearly just a negative bias they are projecting.