-realizing that once everybody has seen how bad and scared i have really been,how much support I have recieved. That's what I wanted in the first place and it shows me people can show support despite being very involved and busy with their own lives. besides best friend and his neverending support,he has reassured me his family will always help me and they've offered me things. The girl R has offered to be my friend. My mom has offered to check on me more and has even said if i had to i'd stay with her. My dad offered me a job at his job if i needed it. My brother's offered me weed. Guy R has offered me money and to talk with me. L offered to take me for soup(knowing i've been sick) and hang out with me.People on social media on a few posts that were vague offered lots of support which surprised. it showed me God wants you to be strong and handle things on your own but at the right times,you will see people are there for you in their own small way. It has shown me no matter what I can handle things and will be ok. I''m also grateful realizing i'm physically stronger then I think. I don't like how I found that out,but still.I need to know I think that I can be resourceful,and strong in body,mind and spirit. I need to trust life. And,all that takes away the fear of your fear which is important since fears can be risky because of the loa. On top of all that,all the positive steps in gear to ensure a more secure future. it doesn't feel like 100% enough,but then nothing ever is and true security is as i always believed,a state of mind.
-being able to reflect so i can change my reality
-seeing more and more that the world is a mirror
-feeling more confident about taking on certain ventures and paths
-that i can get my eyebrows threaded this weekend finally for the first time in about two months and get groceries
-knowing where i need to be is my apartment and able to work towards my dreams
-yoga pants
-best friend promising to bury the hatchet tonight after talk we had
-realizing i still have a very weak vibration about my phobia and i need to change it asap and really cleanse it
-comfortable clothes
-pretty clothes
-reassurances
-seeing the good in the bad
-emails
-the internet
-laptop
-getting things done
-water
-mason jars
-crying it out and letting it out,knowing my weaknesses and feeling like things have been balanced now with all the wounds i caused best friend
-switching to light colored sodas only since dark ones are the worst for you
-my fashion show duffel bag i love
-my beauty
-proving i can stay alone in apartment at daytime and how easy it's become.i even sleep pretty easily once the sun comes up. not perfect but it's major progress.
-that the month is almost half over. sounds negative but i know time will be healing as i see more time passes and that all is well. and,it will be daylight out longer too after a certain point which will be helpful for me.
-rationalization for my fears
-feeling love for others right now. idk why i just feel so much love. it's weird and makes no sense.
-realizing i've been nostalgic for everything lately not just D and that proves also that this is just panic attack stuff about becoming older and also the stupid,stupidest thing i've ever done of setting the intention of unconscious becoming conscious which i need to really remind myself of everytime i wonder why my left went to hell this year.i didn't even know what shadow work was at the time but that's what i asked for not meaning to and i don't believe in it now.i think it's harmful.i think personal growth should have challenges sure,but not like this. it should feel more inspiring,thrilling and not quite as hard. also,realizing doing joseph dispenza processes too may have brought some of this on,too. thank god i have a good memory so i can trace back how everything could have been created which calms my worries.I wanted so bad to 'lose my mind and create a new one." I was desperate for change. I was hurt by a stupid guy. I was intrigued by the fact that I didn't even know I liked him so what else could happen if i asked for unconscious to become conscious. Maybe it could create positive changes. But,only hell had come from this. I closed that intention about a month or two ago after realizing it as a potential cause for all this and feel all that's left still happening is residue from that intention. when you top all that off with the fact that i had just recently healed from grief,oh my! a recipe for disaster.i have no doubt in my heart that's what's caused all this and all i can do now is look for the good in it while dealing with the residue aftereffects of all this.
-massage
-that i've been catching up on sleep. have still been very tired. it's been a rough time. like i've been in battle. constantly on edge and suffering physical effects but little by little,it's going away. i'm catching up on sleep more. i'm doing my beauty things little by little which makes me feel good. my ear feels just about healed. i'd say 99% there. chest is a lot better,too. but,still residue effects so i'm still being stressed.
-deciding i may just have to give up making massage appt and it's not a big deal.
-inspired action to contact people to get things going again for work
-feeling like i'm finally going to move forward now
-feeling more stable. it's so nice being able to do the little things without the fright i had a few weeks ago
-blankets
-ordering my next book tonight and it was only 1 cent somehow plus shipping
-calming music that makes me feel
-doing some writing today
-feeling like i've become more loving from all this
-all my ideas on how i will move forward
-knowing i'm a very loving person
-feeling like i'm having a healing of some sort of the heart chakra from all this and maybe it's because this chapter really is closing and i'm moving into new things. God,i hope so.
-looking forward to the new year!
-acceptance
-this little thing that happens sometimes when i'm not seeing clearly from fear thought that tells me it's not true..things seem "blurrier" like literally..
-this website
-subjective reality
-laundry machine and dryer in the building. we've been doing laundry a lot ever since and it's so nice.
-best friend's reiki
-vitamins
-affirming to myself a few times recently that it's safe to let go.and that only good things happen when i let go
-water,the moon,and nightskies
-feminine energy
-masculine energy
-cats
-my creativity
-things that are cooling
-that i'm really healing and things are going to be ok. the inner knowing coming to me.
-metaphorically feeling like i'm coming out of the ocean i was drowning in and hands waiting for me to enter the next phase of life now.
-embracing the seasons
-stretches
-yoga
-jumping jacks
-forgiveness
-newfound appreciation for best friend
-feeling a weird sense of oneness suddenly too