I have come to the conclusion that i am going to contact R from my past. I've been thinking about it for a few days now,contemplating the how and if i'm sure and it feels like something i have to do. whilst organizing my closet some more today,i came across journals i did not throw away yet. he may have been more important to me then i even realize. realizing good things i did not remember,and accepting the bitter parts,and getting a balanced perspective. he did like me,and i did do things to seem disinterested. i can see the blocks back then and reading through journals,i seen old patterns i still carry with me to this day.i found i had a picture of one of my first major crush's from the newspaper who had died back in h.s. i couldn't find anything on google the last years,it had been so long,but to see i had even saved his picture back then in my journal was interesting. even if my life was lonely and sad in parts back then,there was life and meaning and the feeling of aliveness. i wasn't as weird as i had thought.i was beautiful. And,R was dreamy and cool just ala the Trip character in the movie we both liked the virgin suicides. reading the journals gave me new affirmation,intrigue,and perspective. it must've just been that right time to go looking back to my past. It's been a hard and disappointing week or two but at least this is something to think about.
-realizing i'm done trying to compete with ex's gf R. I've been mad at M and after what's come about the last few days,i've been distant towards her,and skipping classes. she let me down and this proves things to me and i'm done now. it's time to focus on me,my wants,and finding my happiness. she brought me presents today as if that could make up for it. it was a blender,coffee maker,and sitting buddha statue.i thought i seen two books that looked as if they should be for me,but she hasn't given them to me yet.
-deciding i am going to iniate contact with R from my past within the next few weeks.
-contemplation and reflection
-my old journals
-cleaning out my closet and organizing
-soda pop
-hot coffee
-my outdoor cats
-cuteness
-my new sweater i've been wearing that i got last week
-my new winter boots i've been loving
-my new miu miu wallet that came today. it's beautiful.i think i enjoy my somewhat spontaneous purchases more then my more planned out ones.
-going to therapy today and to see psychiatrist. it's nice to allow myself to be "broken."
-having ideas about direction coming to me
-TV episodes on hulu
-giving M that gift i gave her over the weekend.it came out even better then i expected so am happy about that
-hearing M's sister asking M's husband how i was doing which was nice
-friendly people
-M's husband being nicer to me lately
-sleep
-creative dental solutions
-naps
-my mario badescu hyaluronic acid eye cream
-feeling my feelings
-the wisdom i've gained over the years
-water
-dental floss
-doing a little cosmic ordering on the cosmic ordering site
-stretches
-having a nice chest
-weather being warmer today
-straw
-the internet
-my phone
-positive changes
-new ideas