GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

-pizza and wine. feels so good to do a normal thing. have wine. wanted to see how i'd handle having a glass of wine and i feel great,more relaxed and my heart is calm too.
-my ear feeling almost healed. the problem feels more surface now,and like it's more minor and more healed.
-chest feeling pretty great,too. had a feeling upon waking as if my chest is healed now and stronger
-vitamins
-normal things
-remembering that if i want do more normal things,i need to keep healing and take the leap and not be "crazy."
-observing my thoughts to see how the phobic things happen
-nice chat with my brother that made me feel better and had empathy and that he stayed home so i didn't have to be alone
-a good sleep once i finally fell asleep
-doing some exposure therapy of being alone in tiny increments and succeeding with it
-my determination to get things going again,even if things are a bit slow with things because of the holiday week
-going to apartment earlier tonight
-that tomorrow will be an easier day,too
-feeling like it's time to push myself and take a bigger leap and like i'm being guided to do so
-cotton balls
-my laptop
-adding more money to my bank account which made me feel more confident
-ideas and perspectives
-subjective reality. it's actually become my mantra and whenever i think the word things seem to flow my way. love it! subjective reality makes you manifest easier,be more loving towards,less conflicted,etc,etc
-incense almost being gone
-being able to leave the picture here since settled enough which is nice since it's once less thing to worry about when traveling back and forth
-eucalyptus oil
-finding a sale on something i want
-a nice chat with friends mom that somehow boosted my mood
-being given chocolates and offered to have a sweater bought for me
-getting bedroom finished last night. was very proud of myself with how long i take to get things done,i thought it'd be another week or two!
-the cat alwlays boosting my mood by greeting me at the door and sleeping with me
-things i have to offer others,even if it's just advice,knowledge,etc

[buttercup]

-the calm after the storm
-still having a place to live
-perspective on balance,where things come from,and some self forgiveness and conviction while still having empathy and knowing the extreme wrongs
-sleep
-getting emails going for new business project
-buying new sportsbra today
-doing a slightly bigger exposure therapy today and handling it
-using the words subjective reality as a mantra to instantly shift things
-having a lot i want to do and things i want to return to
-cotton balls
-face cleanser for making my face feel so clean
-vitamins
-that tomorrow is monday and hopefully i'll get a flood of emails since things have been especially non-responsive last week because of holiday
-learning important lesson and quickly changing things
-my eyesight
-my hearing
-my body
-my phone
-my heart and ear still doing a good amount better despite major stress
-a stronger trust in self
-understanding more of why things happen and connecting the dots so to see things in a more logical way
-clothes
-sharing food with best friend
-best friend calming down and seeming to feel better

[buttercup]

-comfort foods
-high vibe peaceful music i love that seriously seems to have a soul healing effect
-water
-magnesium vitamin. so soothing
-how much ear has become healed. it's given me so much confidence and i just know now it's healed even if technically it's about a little more then 90%healed
-cotton balls
-the cat. he makes me feel so good and comforted. he sat with me a lot today.
-bouncing back after external stressor that couldn't manage to just leave me alone. i was going to try a much bigger dose of exposure therapy but had some troublesome things happen in the morning so felt too nervous to do it and after the external stressor making things worse have decided maybe i need to join a support group. had a rough morning,no sleep but somehow later, was able to recuperate with chest calming down and feeling like i had spring in my step and able to nap for a few hours at parent's place. grateful for the sleep and bouncing back as i did.
-my strength
-forgiveness for myself
-my knowing i have to let go of my anger and hurt by people's behaviors because it is so painful but is making me much worse. instead,i need to channel the lack of empathy i feel from others into a higher trust and faith in the universe and feeling love from the universe. i did this before years ago and it created a powerful surrender and i felt so trusting of life,that'd i'd also be guided and protected. i learned then to not rely on other's to make me feel loved no matter how hurtful it is,because all you really need is to love yourself and trust that life loves you so much.
-the tea i got today
-r seeming nice to me when i texted her during panic. somehow she seems to want to be there for me and be my friend but it scares me
-a possibility for hairstylist since i can't seem to find one still and best friend told me R could do it and does hair for a side job. Considering it,but it scares me,too
-my phone
-being able to use the bathroom seeming to make heart palpitations go away.very much an overshare what works,work and it's one of the few things that makes them go away once they start.
-an inner knowing that if external stressors just stopped as in give me a full week without them,i KNOW,i'd be 100% physically healed. they started to go away completely but then stressors never stopped and my stress and anger has scared me so much,i have no choice but to let go and channel the anger and stress into some more positive. from here on out,no matter what,i am going to smile and laugh and no matter what comes up
-getting logos today from business partner and adding them to first social media page started and how great that felt. boosted my morning.
-getting a lot of emails today for other business thing which made me happy as it seemed that might have to just end as it is without doing more projects but now we can keep going at least a little longer which made me happy since another project i'm doing is going to be for that so it makes things flow better
-my bedroom
-my pink sportsbra. love the bright pop of color. feeling calmer in situations i had more trouble with. it's so nice to walk to apartment from car at night and not panic.
-a possibility planted in my head suggested by someone that sounds crazy but makes sense and gives me a more easier way to deal with all this. this person suggested if there's a negative spirit i guess like following me or haunting me...because after some of the things that have happened including one of the things in the early morning before the panic,it just was very weird and i can't believe any higher power or anything would keep telling me negative things and putting negative things in my mind for any reason. I believe in a loving universe,a loving God and that reality is subjective and you can shift it at any moment. There is no predestiny. I really don't like believing in the idea of negative spirits,however,i will do more clearing work. i mean,it is just crazy how negative my life has gotten and boggles my mind how low things have gotten and for how long. it IS weird.
-even though didn't meet my bigger goal with exposure therapy,getting to do another session tonight building up from last night so it's nice knowing I can handle spending a tiny amount of time alone at least
-ideas
-being just a little more patient with myself and the things i want done.
-now being up to spending 6 nights in apartment per week even though i know we can just go ahead and do 7 even though it'll make things more inconvenient until i'm more better. the more time i spend here,the better i feel.
-knowing where i can go tomorrow is set in a way that i can feel calm about
-cuddles
-the ability to hear
-the ability to see
-things i'm looking forward to
-remembering happy things.
-pictures
-faith that things ARE going to get better,that all is well,and that recovery will be bliss and i will be rewarded for my pain
-my personality,my things i love and that bring me joy
-perspective
-the ability to feel
-being smart
-blankets
-getting work done today
-changing perspectives and being a little fake because it keeps me from going out of my mind and keeps me calmer
-using the words subjective reality as a mantra. it's still working. i used it today when i got nervous and quickly the nervousness went away and clarity came.
-donating more money to one of my favorite charities last night
-warm,soothing showers for calming me down
-sweaters
-mason jars
-seeing something upsetting and turning it into a positive by switching my vibe and then seeing the story actually had happy ending thwarting my fear. may have been after i used my subjective reality mantra,too but more and more i see and believe in a subjective reality and how much more sense it makes and this makes me feel safer,like i can just float on and let go and all is well.

[buttercup]

-water
-mason jars
-getting a good deep sleep today. was very needed. upon waking,i felt rejuvenated. my chest felt calm all day no issues and ear still feels just about healed
-blankets
-comfort
-pastries
-killing them with kindness
-soda
-chairs
-seasonal things and embracing winter a bit
-washing all my hair today. felt amazing. i went slowly and carefully and no issues which i knew i wouldn't. was so nice to do a normal thing.i had been upset wanting to go tanning,etc but maybe it's better starting slower being able to even just wash my hair!
-getting more likes and comments on my social media lately. really boosts my mood
-having a caring heart
-today being an easier day with figuring out where to go
-doing a 20 minute exposure therapy tonight and handling it.
-asking myself if being sick like i've been has been some part of me wanting my hurt feelings to be acknowledged and to let that go if so,that i can just detach even if i don't get the apologies or care i've been seeking
-knowing that me and best friend are going through tough times and to just ride it out and by acknowledging that we are going through tough times,it automatically makes it feel more bearable instead of wondering why things are so crazy,just knowing to tough it out
-seeing others who live such busy lives and knowing that it can be handled and to just try and be calm and stay present and keep praying and setting intentions
-trying to trust a little more and be a little more calm while affirming to myself it's safe to let go
-my laptop
-the internet
-people seeming to be a little more supportive and there for me lately now.
-deciding we will sleep in apartment every night this week
-starting to feel more and more calm and pushing myself to do more little things that a month ago or so i'd have paniced more about
-going about 24 hours or more without major stress or panic or anxiety. let's see if i can do 2 now!
-work things seeming to be picking up quite a bit lately
-life seeming to be telling me that it's time to get better
-massage
-life seeming to be giving me what i want now
-the cat and how cute he is. he decided to sit on my lap and hang out with me today
-my bedroom
-sweaters
-deciding i will do some dishes tonight
-fun things to do that remind me of fun i can have once things are more normal and settled and not so crazy
-that best friend has audition tomorrow. though i am nervous too.
-being able to at least be in touch with my feelings more with means i'm overcoming craziness more and ready to deal with reality and moving forward
-being able to think past more then just the day and think of the next week,etc which is also progress
-knowing i just have to be patient
-knowing it's time to be stronger
-feeling overall more relaxed today
-being able to appreciate the small things
-my beauty
-what i do for a living
-practicing slowing my mind down at random moments throughout the day
-hope
-perspective
-mercy
-vitamins
-yoga
-jumping jacks
-getting a job application done for a friend and emailing him some places too
-processing my guilts
-forgiveness
-learning from mistakes
-affirmations
-honesty with myself

[buttercup]

rough night last night and morning. ugh.
-being able to wash my hair
-my laptop
-my phone
-naps
-getting something out of my breakdown that is useful that i need to make certain changes and deciding to do a certain action i never thought too much about before and hesitated about but maybe it's something i'm meant to do that will really help me. also,touching words from best friends that spoke right to my soul. after all the fights,and darkness,to hear that randomly was needed. i was able to then calm down.
-relaxing and letting go more about response times of hearing back in a certain time
-now sleeping at apartment every night as it should be
-water
-snacks
-mason jars
-that best friend canceled and rescheduled something i wanted
-seeing my manifesting abilities increase by using the mantra/feeling of "subjective reality." reminding myself of those words takes away all conflict to believing in loa things so things flow easier
-vitamins
-blankets
-sweaters
-my book i've been reading
-doing some writing in my notebook in the evening
-doing a few dishes last night
-knowing how important it is for me to be comfortable staying at apartment at times alone to be able to really move forward
-observing how things have gotten to where i'm at now via the loa and thoughts which is calming and helpful and educational
-getting a hairstylist response tonight
-all the social media likes,follows,and comments lately
-how calming suburbs are and peacefulness of staying there
-getting a little more work things coming in and getting done. it's nice to get a little productive again
-reminding myself more and more and reading about it how there is no predestiny which resonates with me so much
-today feeling kind of easier after the morning and calmer. There was no fights either and the day just flowed sort of lazily and quietly.
-hot tea
-forgiveness
-knowing i just have to become stronger,and better and that i've done it before and can do it again. reminding myself of past accomplishments of things i thought may never happen and reminding myself of times i've felt so fearless and things i've done i thought i would never do
-quiet
-peace
-progress
-my intelligence and wisdom
-things i find fun
-the cat and how adorable he is sleeping with me again he reminds me of my transitioned cat,i must admit.
-understanding my feelings and how to heal the scared parts
-pictures

[buttercup]

really,really rough night and day..
-being home
-after worst fight every and being way mistreated by several people and public scenes,deciding it's time to stay alone in my apartment in the daytime at least. the power also went out again,the third time since staying at d's relatives which to me feels like a sign saying I'm not supposed to be here. "New Plan." It's just so weird. It first happened the day I realized I needed to get my ear checked out. Then a few weeks later when I realized I need to stop staying at his parent's and my ear was almost healed,then today again after being forced to go there last night and having an awful morning..this was the quickest it came back on though..i just stayed calm and was like,yes this means i need to start staying at my apartment and not coming here even in the daytime. I need to cut coming here out of my schedule completely. getting clarity after mistreatment and realizing the key to freedom is this and that this will make everything so much better,otherwise my life will keep getting worse and even 11 year olds stay home alone in daytime. even my dad said it's so easy.i just started loving myself more and realizing the loving myself me would be brave and trust life has her back and she can handle anything. because life has been going down a pretty ugly road so i have no choice but to let these fears go so i can change the road. The key to overcoming the core of my panic attacks starts with this and even my parents said i need to just get though this. today was hard,stressful,frightening,i have no choice. and,i know only beautiful things will come from this.
-water.
-deciding to take a practical lesson from the power outages that happened and realize for my own apartment,i should get a flashlight and maybe make an emergency kit.
-all the frightening things today forcing me to calm about certain other things..there was no room left for other fears
-things seeming to open up in other areas as if the universe saying i know you are going through hardships and have been a victim here but there's things for you
-getting a response about job i had to cancel because of ear and she still was very understanding and wants me for it,and is willing to wait. boosted my morale more.
-finally having a hairstylist
-text from L simply because i've been lonely so am glad to hear from someone
-my heart somehow not being too bad today despite it all
-doing powerful tantra style meditation. i'm not sure if it is tantra but it's just very powerful,utilizing will,strong knowing,and the heart chakra where i deep breathe while meditating on intentions and reality changing. it always is very powerful.
-falling asleep and getting some kind of nap
-self forgiveness
-an inner knowing about R which is calming
-writing out my own conditions i want from friend
-my pretty leopard print flowy top which makes me feel more attractive
-something to lay my back on
-observation and reflection realizing for example today when dad brought up his christmas party for work tomorrow that damn i remember him telling me about that what felt like two months ago..and now already it's here and i'm still doing the back and forth game of going there and staying at friend's parent's too that makes no sense. it actually hasn't been two full months but still it showed me i have been doing this for too long and it's time to let go now. when we moved out in october,we weren't meant to do any of this but move and because of my panics things became so chaotic. it's just so weird how worse i got while staying at his parent's. life moves so damn fast,it's so important to let things go,live and move forward. i had held onto my fears for fear of letting go but now finally feel that letting go is the key to the best possible destiny and all will be well.i just feel different now. like,i changed my reality. it's exciting. a fear i had before feels obliterated.other fears the fear is less too. i have a stronger knowing of safety. life is just really weird. there is so much. there really is. life is a lot to take in.
-this particular tibetan singing bowl session that is really good
-this is stupid but seeing how dumb tarot it. i used it during anxieties still and seen it completely not true at all several times even when focused which showed me again using those only make a person more fearful
-feeling safer,healthier,more sure all is well in the future today..maybe in my tears i prayed or realizations in themself today cleared something in my psyche. my heart feels so normal right and that makes me so happy as considering the day,it'd be expected not to be.
-how much my life is changing right now for the better
-warm showers for being soothing
-my power
-all the work bookings i have coming up
-how much more free time i am about to have and best friend.
-being smart
-that the manipulator didn't get what he wanted
-prayer
-that i am going to win
-my bed
-the cat and how happy he makes me
-my beautiful transitioned loved one,i still think about her all the time
-the ability i have to change my life

[buttercup]

-daylight coming
-feeling angry which i think is a sign i'm getting better since it's uncovering the next layer of feelings and i'm comfortable enough noticing that instead of my fear
-proving i can stay alone in apartment in daytime today. so far,it's not been too bad. i am handling it.
-black cover on door window
-reiki
-best friend keeping touch with me a lot
-messages and emails from others to distract me
-water
-lipbalm
-phone
-best friend getting me a flashlight yesterday
-my mom being there for me yesterday and talking to best friend with me and staying with me and being support
-sweaters
-my mom
-best friend's mom checking on me and offering to take me shopping
-sleeping finally,the whole night. it felt so good. woke up early still and was hoping to sleep longer,but i slept a normal person's schedule tonight which felt freaking amazing
-seeing my mom's cat which was nice
-things getting fixed somewhat after what that awful girl R did.
-things to look forward to
-being safe
-apartment and neighborhood being safe
-reiki
-hearing people upstairs
-learning to be a little more compassionate
-gaining more power
-knowing what things i'll be getting back now just from accomplishing this goal today
-understanding from others
-this website
-that time of the month being here since it always seems to somehow feel like it internally relaxes me
-midol
-being blessed with certain things that a lot don't have and is considered spoiled to have. i'm well aware i should be grateful for it,and that's why i've hid it or downplayed it over the years.
-this little christmas tree decoration candle on the table. i don't really like christmas usually at least but since making my own rules about what holidays mean to me,and doing what i want or don't want,i can get into seasonal things a little bit more
-the internet
-that i don't have a dog. dealing with my mom's dog last night made me more affirmed dogs are not for me
-seeing my mom's place she lived for first time
-processing my feelings. lately i feel like a hypocrite,,angry at some people,embarrassed,all kinds of mixed things ever since the panics had started and now starting to let them go. it's been a lot of tough lessons.i used to encourage some people to be independent and and just be positive and i do agree,but lately,i'm like wow,things can be hard,sometimes.
-my pillow
-blankets
-my bed
-feeling more sense of normalcy
-love
-feeling a sense of people caring again

[buttercup]

-being able to stay in my apartment alone in daytimes now
-water
-vitamins
-making a nice breakfast of coffee and orange cake this morning and listening to some music,all the food/drink being vegan and just having that nice little moment
-living in a big city
-how city-like this apartment feels
-being able to go tanning yesterday for the first time in almost two months and how much healthier it made me look
-wearing a smidge of makeup for the first time in awhile
-napping at the apartment yesterday
-getting acquainted with the apartment
-stylish tops
-feelings more supported lately
-peace
-techno music
-hot tea
-that really nice happy moment yesterday of feeling like my destiny has only changed in good ways while drinking hot tea and listening to techno music and it soothed me and kept my mind more focused
-my style
-the internet
-my laptop
-the internet working
-my mom checking on me yesterday
-my book being almost finished
-feminine hygiene products
-being a caring person
-project being 100% confirmed last night finally
-best friend feeling relieved now that i'm moving forward
-best friend talking to his friend at his bank and saying that he is going to get me a bank account at his bank and start sending me money on it so i can build my own money and it can be done instantly
-best friend's mom possibly taking me out of town with her before month is over. not sure if i'll take it or it'll go through or not,but it'd be nice to get away and have a free trip so maybe
-feeling like best friend's mom is on my side
-comfort
-giving myself a nice scalp massage last night
-beds
-fashion
-all i have going for me and knowing i'm better in every way in looks,intelligence,class,accomplishments,etc
-my power building up. have had feelings uncovered as fear has started to dissolve. next stage of where i'm at!
-interesting parts of my book that helped me understand something about my current situation
-starting to feel like a princess lately a little bit
-learning lessons from all these trials i will now implement

[buttercup]

-getting sage today and burning it. is nice to do another normal,getting settled thing and get rid of bad vibes caused from dramas,too!
-laughing about how girl at store asked friend if he was sent here which he was by me and how funny that seemed like out of a movie like she was being psychic. lol. that store always does little things like that. the local voodoo hoodoo store. love it! makes me laugh.
-tibetan singing bowl audios
-music
-going two days alone in apartment in daytime and feeling pretty confident about it by now. still,things will be much better once i can do early evenings since it takes a bit of driving time bringing me to father's before evening everyday but at least i'm no longer going to friends parents house which made me sicker and worse
-eye massage
-wearing a smidge of makeup today
-how much easier and quicker things are to get done now that i'm staying at apartment. it's nice catching up on things,and noticing how behind things are
-inspiration
-feeling confident and empowered
-accomplishing my goals
-feeling strong
-reiki friend sends me
-my mom helping me out even though she did something yesterday i didn't like but have to let that go.
-my phone
-the internet
-my laptop
-amazing photography
-things going for me and to work towards,my accomplishments
-my bed
-even though best friend treated still is acting psycho both before getting back and then even worse this evening,that he was a little nicer in the daytime and more reassurances
-feeling more and more empowered all will be ok
-nap at father's house
-the cat
-going back to my blog for the month
-pushing myself more
-yoga pants
-yoga
-jumping jacks
-prayer
-remembering my power
-people texting me
-possibly being able to go out of town for free this month if i want to
-weather being a little nicer today
-getting a little bit of my life back finally
-that best friend starts a little later tomorrow so tomorrow will be a little easier
-my beauty
-being smart
-having style
-having class
-that i always win
-loving myself a little bit more
-having a lot of skinny days lately
-my stomach being nice and flat
-having a great body
-being almost done with my book

[buttercup]

-laptop
-internet
-a nice big mason jar of water to drink
-trying to be strong
-my determination to have a good day
-my phone
-my phone charger
-lip balm
-sleeping at apartment all day yesterday in morning/early afternoon which was a first and showed i was comfortable
-getting acquainted with normal sounds and neighbors sounds being here
-being smart
-that i choose my reality and at any moment can change anything
-that best friend came back for me today
-music
-black window cover
-beauty
-attractive guys
-inspiration
-motivation
-seeing signs from best friend of him calming down and that he's seeing something off and slight insight into why he is how he is and seeing little things showing he is still caring and trying
-stomach being nice and flat
-my desires
-sweaters
-getting some good brainstorming done for new business venture after a meditation yesterday
-vitamins
-heart being much better then it was a few weeks ago
-patience
-calmness
-my rain boots
-pictures and photography
-warmer weather yesterday
-this website
-donuts and soda snack yesterday
-reassurances
-miracles of my past that show me what's possible
-blankets
-having things to look forward to
-some sense of normalcy this week
-no longer having to go back to best friend's parents during daytime. thank god.
-yoga pants
-empathy even when other's dont have it
-being clean and feeling clean. love the feeling of fresh washed face
-finding the positive in things
-gratitude
-becoming much more logical over the last few days and "sane"