-sleep
-heat getting fixed this morning
-peppermint mocha latte today
-posting a new pic on instagram,getting more comfortable expressing myself
-exploring
-after being catty with D yesterday all day and night,then finally calming down and being more normal i decided to text him before bed telling we meet this weekend or we don't meet at all and this is his last chance and he can pick the day.at first he just responded literally with only ok which was very odd response from him he's never been that way then few hours later asking if i have plans set for this weekend to which isay i do and asking him why and getting more catty with him and him suggesting a different day then what i thought we originally said as an option last week but that could be because i had told him i had something that day and maybe me giving him options that were different then last time made that better for him. he claimed his brother came into town for a surprise visit but we could still do the day we had said or the other day. i sense he may be lying,idk but i said we can just do the new day and i said he seems to have a resistance and he claiming he doesn't think he's nervous and i told him he can pick the place and he suggested a half way point which i found really thoughtful since way back when we first started talking,i suggested that so it shows he is paying more attention to me then he lets on and also shows he isn't trying to necessarily get me into bed with him since a lot of guys try to pick places right in their neighborhood so it's easy after meeting to get you to go back to their place.
-finally deciding to tell best friend i've still been talking to D and telling him most of what's gone on and how much has changed since the last a little over a week. it felt good to let it out verbally and helped me get perspective. i seen how it makes sense that D is legit and means what he has said to me coming out with his feelings and after our fight on sunday morning he felt embarrassed and awkward from that one thing and so probably was slightly unsure if we would still meet up this week. then,when i ignored his text on wed evening from being mad at him,that may have been him planning to update me about our plans for this week,maybe late of him to do but he did contact me that day i just got mad and feeling worry that i ignored him until the middle of the night wednesday and early am where i let it all out. from there he had said he had hoped for saturday but i was catty all day telling him were never going to end up meeting to finally before bed telling him we better this weekend to which he gets weird on me after i suggested either saturday or sunday. maybe he was weird because i suggested a different day then original so was mirroring me,maybe also me suggesting sunday made him see that works better for me and i told him i had plans but could cut them if we meet so maybe that is why he said sunday(i do have a feeling he works saturdays,too so maybe sunday literally is just one of his better days) but laying it all out to best friend made me see to calm down,it's only natural we were slightly awkward after fight and that i'd be nervous after all these two months and that there was some communication signals that could've made D act the way he did. so,i'm trying to trust. Best friend says it sounds like D IS nervous to meet me and is just lying when he said he doesn't think he is nervous because if he's been nervous this whole time supposedly it'd only make sense he would be nervous now a little. Best friend says he probably is just trying to be confident like he said he wants to be for me and that he thinks D meant all that he said and that I do make him really nervous.
-knowing i have healing resources available to me to boost my happiness set point
-seeing all these guys who clearly are lurking my blog regularly based on the silly things they say to me. it makes me laugh how obvious it they're reading all about me and studying me
-feeling pretty today
-having another skinny day today.i don't know why but my jeans feel looser and my stomach looks flatter and my body just feels sexier.i don't know what i'm doing. i ate a full meal yesterday,skipped protein drink,didn't drink much water,and only did half hour of yoga but it shows me happiness and feeling sexy affects your mindset enabling your body to go to it's ideal
-quantum physics
-my interests
-my hair
-resourcefulness
-becoming better at expressing myself and feelings.i kinda like it. it's actually very unlike me to express to guys how i feel and althought i sound like a clingy,insecure girlfriend,it's actually in ways helping me because usually i suffer internally waiting for guys to do what i want and make things happen and express things. maybe this is part of the soul reasons D is here. idk. all i know is i want more then some eerie digital relationship. i think this weekend should go through though.i'm trusting him. i don't think i have a reason to not trust him. talking it out with best friend just made things so clear and seeing how D and i kept getting crossed. that facebook thing literally pissed him off back when ideleted him and after that fight in october,we made up but he thought i wasn't interested because he seen ideleted him from facebook. so he got distant and weird and showed signs he was upset and stopped flirting but kept texting just acting very detached though and like he was looking for things to say then boom after my vengeance plan with those texts and him not bending when i kept acting more and more demented to creep him out to get him to take a hint,he acted like he adored me even more and more. i then lay it all out telling him how he strings me along to which he finally comes clean,starts being normal and clingy to me,adding me to facebook right away and telling me how he really feels. there may be a lot of baggage to start with,but we need to at least meet to see what this is all about.
-having a good face day
-face moisturizer
-being able to get best friend to easily agree to rearrange some things for me so D and I plans can work out smoothly
-feeling ambitious and filled with desire and dreams
-my ideas on how i want to expand myself
-feeling a sense of deep peace last night after all the weird feelings yesterday and day before
-feeling an overall sense of peace today as well. maybe this really is the calm after the storm or the calm before the storm.i just feel like everything is ok and going to work out somehow,despite any little worries and insecurities
-ballet
-being a woman,being a girl
-dance
-wanting to get out there more and go to more parties
-music i love
-my ideas
-being an interesting person
-vegan orange cake
-water
-being young and the things i'm going through. the struggles and inner turmoil and conflicts of a girl in her 20's who wants love,peace,glamour,success,fun,and to feel as beautiful as those who see her as so
-sweaters
-fashion
-patience
-my femininity
-knowing no matter what,even if for some reason idon't like D after all this,at least i'll finally know and can feel soothed from having all this connection,and attachment to someone i've only ever known of through social media and talking
-living in the city
-understanding energy more and more. learning and observing it. if i've been as crazy and attached to D as i have been,and it's not like me to be so to someone i've never met especially,i literally even feel dizzy almost from it,i'm starting to feel like it's me tuning into his energy and how he feels for me. he hides these things and attempts to but things i know for sure he is include clingy,overthinks things,and high sexual energy. considering how highly claircognizant and empathic i am,and naturally in tune with others telepathically,i probably am driven as crazy by him as i am,at least partially because i'm being fed his feelings and energy towards me. also,the tarot cards pulled show he sees me as someone he idolizes,infatuation,and spying. back when he and i became distant for all those few weeks i kept getting tarot saying assessment which made me soo insecure now i know it meant unsure if i like him and assessing that. he was literally soo awkward i could not figure out what his deal was and it didn't even make sense that it was just stringing me along because i could feel he wanted to chat with me but couldn't think of a thing to say and would test me as if trying to tell me he's upset/uncertain. it always surprises me when a grown man can be insecure of little ol me,but it's true,men are big babies.
-my internet working well today
-my desktop therapist affirmations
-in fact,as much as i'm trying to back off the tarot,all this time messing with them has has me learn more about them and what they mean from things unfolding and looking back at them so that's kind of interesting
-giving up watching TV shows online again. my mind feels much more clear from it,and much more free time.
-physical exercise
-yoga
-thinking i may do some prepaving work for D and i meeting along with some mental planning(just a bit don't want to overthink it) about how i should be and details for the night.i want to seem calm,confident,detached,but open so he feels able to relax. i don't want to go into it bitchy because that will ruin my fun and why would i want to show him i'm unlikable so i need to let go of the grudges and i don't want to seem to friendly of course like i'm desperate and it's ok he is how he's been to me. i want to seem like a sexy friend who is meeting someone and just there to meet someone like no big deal. lol,random is cute how he says again he has no expectations those were the things i've repeated a month ago about telling him to have no expectations. he is so mirroring me and paying more attention then he lets on he. i think it's his virgo moon.