-a delicious vanilla muffin for first meal of the day with a delicious hot coffee from my favorite grocery store cafe
-how good i feel today for some reason
-that despite that it's been 6 and a half days,i still feel like D and I aren't done and will still work it out. it literally makes no logical sense now for me to believe this,but i feel a calm certainty within that doesn't even feel forced,like i can't just shake it. am i in denial? am i crazy? i don't know,because we've never gone this long without speaking yet my faith still strong.i also don't even feel that antsy,either.
-weird sign i got that seemed like D possibly trying to get my attention with social check in app two days ago.he made a thing that sends a group message out saying dancing at so and so place this friday. why do that though? he's never done that before,why not just check into the app? why do something that will shoot a notification to my phone vs something that won't. in all my years of having the app,i don't think i've ever had that happen before,maybe besides like once. also,he claimed he doesn't like dancing and hates clubs so it seemed like something that he was doing that to get my attention. besides that,D seemed to have started moving on since mid last week if i were to judge by his social media things. he is posting more now based on the things i can see,but also he is posting more on the social check in app,one of the places we are friends on that he could use to get my attention without texting me,so i do wonder about that,too. can't forget after all,that that's how i first grabbed his attention was way back in august my phone accidentally liking a bunch of his posts,so that app is a part of our story,just an unspoken part.i also seen him posting on twitter about obsessive compulsion,it had to do with something technology but still i had post about ocd a week and half ago on my blog so it's like he's in me,and we are influencing each other from afar. i wonder if the little things that keep making me think of him,if he is having the same thing happen to him.
-getting the feeling that he does want me back. also,slipped and started using tarot again,just not as much,and there is a shift in the readings. they now in the last few days are showing warmer feelings,more healed,and more wanting me back and positive outcome. so,i do literally wonder if he just wanted his space,and after reading my blog about him losing his chance,if it left him more unsure where we stand even though i said very intense positive things,too
-the song B wrote me. he had been working on it all week. not well written and way fluffy. he sounds like he is in love with me and like i'm perfect. it's super sweet,though.i had thought it'd be more silly and sweet and flattering but instead it's like an intense love letter making me out to be beautiful in every way,virtuous,and he'll never stop fighting for me,and we should go somewhere together on vacation,and how unique i am,etc,etc i was very shocked and there was much giggling.
-the picture last night i took before B gave me the song since he said he'd rather email it to me after so he let me take a pic of the document of it saying song for 'my name'
-that I went out with B last night. It was freezing temps,and awful weather and i didn't feel anything with him. no spark.but, i think i needed to go. for my own healing and to just be out,and to experience someone else. B was kind of nerdy and not as smooth but he was sweet. i was able to differentiate things and ask myself questions from the experience such as,am i being too hard on guys as i get older/too picky? with D,after our first date,i realize i did feel something with him after,compared to with B. i wasn't sure if i felt spark with D after our first date,but now i realize i did.i think all the incompatibilties blocked out my radar on that and so i wasn't sure if D and i had chemistry until our 2nd date.
-that after not liking the place we went to at first with B,something amazingly hilarious in my eyes happened,i looked at my social check in app to find a different place for us to go closeby,and seen that just a few blocks away,was the place D checked into on wednesday that made me slightly insecure wonder if he was on a date so i thought we should go there and how hilarious it would be for me to check in there now,as a way to get back at him for that notification that got sent to my phone the day previous about going dancing at so and so place. so,i did. and the place was nice.i liked it a lot. very trendy and hipster and reminded me so much of D and it made me miss him more. and think how much i'd enjoy being there with him.
-how amazing and beautiful i looked last night. everytime i went to the bathrooms,i looked in the mirror and was very appreciative of wow,i'm the most attractive girl in here. losing the small amount of weight i have in the last month and half has made me look much more attractive. tall,thin,nice sexy curves,great style,and my face had a nice tanner look and makeup that i finally am really enjoying after experimenting lately.it made me feel even more certain that B really was on a date with a prize.
-that B did something that is small but to me,was really sweet and I enjoyed,he offered to drive me home! he drives. living in a big city,most guys do not. so,i do not even expect to get a ride home or picked up anymore which is one of many hassles of modern dating so when at the end of the night,he sweetly said that he was thinking since he drove,he'd like to drive me home,if that was ok with me,i said yes and felt my heart swoon a little. so weird such a small gesture can make you so happy. that was probably the thing that made me happiest.i thought it was sweet the way he asked,too. B and I did kiss,i could tell he was too nervous to even try and kiss me during the night,and so he waited until we arrived in front of my house,i had tried giving subtle signs he could if he wanted earlier in the night,but it was obvious he didn't even know how to do the approach.
-B also has shown signs he thinks of me a lot with things,which is cute,like he'll find out im into something and googles it,i think that is cute.on our date,he asked something about vegan sushi and said he tried googling it this week if there was vegan sushi in 'my city' but wasnt sure how accurate it was and was googling in front of me showing the results he got,i thought it was cute that he seemed to want to try and find a sushi place we could both eat at.
-roommate wanting me to leave for awhile,so went shopping by myself today. felt good to do and was good for me.i had too much fun finding all kinds of fun,random things and cute, valentines day seasonal stuff coming up that got me excited and took pictures of it for my own amusement and for instagram. i love valentines day so much so always get so excited when the seasonal stuff for that comes out. it's one of the few holidays i don't despise.
-finding the perfect clothing item for a job tomorrow,but it wasn't my size,so went a size up,but it still looked like it'd fit,so compromising on my ego and got it anyways.
-finding at the grocery store my favorite indian food back in stock again
-beautiful purple flowers and how lovely the intense color is,and loving them even though one was wilted,i decided to love it even more
-lollipops i bought for my job tomorrow
-positive looks i get from men that they find me attractive and charming
-a curvy backside that i'm embracing
-how beautiful my nails and hair have gotten in the last 6-8 months since changing my diet
-best friend being in a good cheerful mood
-business partner putting up with all my talking about D stuff
-my job tomorrow and how well i know it is going to go
-my list of things lightening a bit and handling all the things coming my way
-water
-mason jars and how great they even make flowers look.i think i prefer my flowers in mason jars versus traditional vases now!
-the appreciation i have for some of D's traits now..even some of the ones that used to annoy me or i'd find weird. i miss being sent random pictures and maybe even him being a hipster isn't so negative,and i can be one,too.
-how much D seems to be in me now and how interesting that is,finding out that place i went with B was a few blocks from D's house apparently(i randomly googled)and on the way home,B and I even drove past D's job. it was quite weird. being right in D's scene and even best friend and I make jokes today saying so and so looks like D
-that I will just do the toning i didn't get to yesterday,and do it today in addition to my regular toning since i have a job tomorrow and want that to be my focus tonight
-quotes i love
-my personality traits,and tastes in things,my quirks and things that make me,me
-feeling wanted and desirable
-getting a start on new business venture yesterday and sending out emails
-B hinting that our mutual friend E does like me(have/had a crush) and hinting at gossip E said about me when B asked him what my deal was when B was angry at me for running away from him the night of the party
-the deep sleep i got
-getting a little money yesterday from 2nd job
-that it was warmer tonight
-night skies
-best friend and I being in silly moods tonight
-feeling confident and content that several certain things in life will work out
-feeling more detached from D. it's so weird. usually,i'd be more attached by now but telling myself it'll work out. a part of me does wonder if he wanted me to chase him after my wrongs. but,i sincerely felt the best way for us to have a chance at healing was to give him space.
-not rushing some things and being ok with some things having to wait a little longer
-lovely,thoughtful comments from mentors/early supporters that make me feel good
-beautiful ideas
-the wonderful newness coming to me