idk what happened but yesterday wasn't very good. it all started when i woke up and i just felt weird,like i couldn't explain it,just a weird feeling. i then noticed 1-2 things that were like "glitches in the matrix." It made me think did i switch realities or something,and maybe everytime we have that weird feeling like how i had,we are sensing that. from there,l was being very distant towards me which had started the night before technically.it was lowering my vibe and i had to recognize that i was feeling feelings of attachment and was trying to ask myself what could this teach me. he ignored one of my questions,never even answering it,then just asking what i'm doing tonight.i was mad and didn't answer,then two hours later started venting about something else to which he said that he can leave me alone if i want. which,i took to mean,he is ending it with me. not that we are anything,but still. acting all weird towards me suddenly,ignoring me and then saying that? it hurt a little because one thing,i thought i could count on and was just a little warming up towards the idea of was now going away.i realized,actions speaks somewhat,and that his actions are someone who can't work for me anyways.i also felt an odd sense of calm while talking about this and other things that seemed to not be going well last night to a friend,like i need to just let things be unpleasant and chaotic and not try to control and just trust that it's bringing me what i desire,or closer to what i desire.i just felt intuitively like something i want is right smack about to happen,and that this was a darkness before the dawn type of thing going on. one of the biggest,and most painful lessons i've ever learned is when things seem to be going chaotic,and unpleasant,don't resist it,because when you do,you block your blessings. They will still come in,but you can enjoy them more fully when you let go of the plan/the way/the how in your head,and trust the universe. We block because of our desperation to control,our fears,and all that even when it's becomes so ridiculous that we end up pushing away our dreams because of that! Just freaking let go! A painful life lesson i've learned before. So,if nothing else,one thing i've take with me,is to try and surrender that this is part of the plan to bring me something and i can't see the universe's way,which knows more then i do about my desires. i guess i'm embracing pronoia more easily and naturally now. It's just with how l was being,i also had the one girl say she may not be able to go to the event with me,which was very interesting timing after an article i read,and also ex A contacted me which made me very mad because he seems to be contacting me every time he suspects i have something else going on like he wants to make sure i don't get in deep with anyone! it's very weird. he never used to call me,and then he does,and at a time where it's more likely i'd be out. Oddly enough,i feel somewhat calm about everything,but i also noticed my vibration has attracted me to feel negativity thoughts and feelings about violence and money today,such as hearing a crazy violent news story at a popular place near me and scarcity thoughts about money and thinking how expensive things are. Mind has wandered a little today,and i've noticed i have anxities about traveling to certain places because i've attracted things that have made me more anxious compared to last time i was there. it's odd thinking i'm a much more timid,scared person then a few years ago.
-coffee and how especially good it tastes today
-my cinnamon french toast sticks breakfast with fruit spread which also tasted especially good today
-water
-hypnosis audios
-going with the flow
-feeling relatively calm
-tuning into myself pretty well;being honest with my feelings.
-the little glitches in the matrix because it makes me wonder and speculate
-positive spirituality articles
-realizing what a heck of a full month it has been,and it didn't seem to move as fast either. very interesting
-pictures,and how much i have editing them with filters and techniques. it truly could be a hobby how much i enjoy to take pics,artistically adjust them,and curate them
-reflection and being able to ask myself questions,soothe myself,be honest with myself and so on
-ex A calling me. because even though i didn't answer,vented about it after,and won't contact him,it feels nice to be thought of.
-seeing L for what he really is,even if it's not a fun one. it just is weird and annoying that right when i start to warm up a little to the idea of him,he does this. i have no doubt in my mind he did this to get back at me,either for not hanging out with him before he went out of town,or jealousy over something or a combination and this,in combo with several other things from him are very red-flag to me. still,i feel he will hit me up again but after this,what can happen? i can't hang out with someone like that. loss of potential. when something ends,or dies,that's what is a big part of it is. the potential of what could've been/the desires and dreams then become killed. it's really sad. what also bothers me is it keeps coming down to sexism for me. everytime i lose or reject something that is male,it's like i lose out on something in one way or another and it's frustrating. whether it's a guy's money,or being taken out,or career opportunities,it just seems every thing that is male is either a gain if you say yes to it or a loss if you don't and that really is upsetting. it may very well be a limiting belief or inaccurate perception but it's what i'm currently dealing with. the idea that all these things i've said no to have led to losses and the benefits of saying yes. it just seems unfair that when men don't get a girl or a girl says no,they still get all that they have. men are constantly using their money and resources over you and it sucks. i also feel if l really liked me,he wouldn't have acted like this so either he is being abusive or has been fake the whole time. it is so stupid and makes no sense except that it's suspicious behavior based on what he just posted on ig of only even being in town where he is at now for a few days but then getting so rushing for me to see him before he goes and angry at me.
-my face
-telling myself repeatedly that whatever is meant to happen,will be happen,will be
-exploring my desires in life
-stretches
-my best friend
-feeling optimistic about the future still
-sleep
-the rain
-dental floss
-face wash
-soothing feelings
-light
-my teeth
-all the new ig followers
-that i get to blog again in a little over a day