GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

-after spiraling from J randomly having what seemed to me a random paranoid freakout and disappearing on me in the midist of us about to meet at the door triggering my ptsd and just not being himself, finally processing that's what it was all week making me feel strange. That he triggered my ptsd and grounding myself and that i have to let it go. I don't understand completely. It left me sort of shattered after initially having some hunches with my confusion just being entirely confused and now i have to let it go and since then my clarity has started to come back and my mind fogginess started to go away. It got a little scary. I started to get a little lost at the end there. I was crying in bed scared one day, accusing people of random things, including him. People were being minimal with me in response and confused and i just felt off and by then i felt like i was losing control of my mind a little. I had to take medication and talk to a professional for a little bit. I don't know why that had such an effect on me what he did but it really did something to me, but i have my mind back, and i'm feeling like myself again so i'm thankful because i hated how weird things felt. It was like something cast a spell on me or i took a pill that made me feel disassociated and paranoid and just weird. i was embarrassed
-gin gins to ease my stomach uneasiness
-drinking water to hydrate and feel better
-prayer
-M giving me money
-nami to talk to which helps sometimes
-an old work contact reaching out who wants to work together again who's moving back here and connect and even go to dinner which felt talk to talk to
-that i confirmed a job for next weekend
-that i'm starting to get back into my old career pursuits a little bit
-settling into new decisions a little bit and forging a new path for myself a bit
-sleep
-sweaters
-the beauty of quiet
-music
-the beauty in expressing my vulnerability and realizing it's not something i have to be ashamed of
-my femininity
-having a loving, caring heart
-having interests
-having creativity
-having accomplished and done cool things
-being brunette again and liking how that looks on me
-filler
-people considering me beautiful
-baby wipes
-ordering some new lingerie
-sweet memories i cherish with J and that he did allow me to feel he was the one i wanted to be vulnerable with, and he was the one that broke down barriers other didnt. He was the one i wanted to give me heart to
-beauty products
-the food puzzle for my cats coming and that they seem to like it
-blankets
-art
-the cold freeze being about to end
-physical exercise
-reflecting on the changes i made last year and new goals for this year
-good movies
-newness
-choosing to believe in what i want for my reality and affirming
-having really pretty hair
-having nice lips
-compliments
-inspiration
-feeling determined to change my life this year
-sending in job applications for new careers
-cleaning wipes
-putting the bed back where it was
-cuteness
-cutting people out of my life who are judgemental
-feeling my vibe uplifted since letting go of some things
-when i manifest good things
-laughing and humor
-feeling clear on what i want with some things
-believing in bigger things for myself again
-daylight
-getting better at no contact
-chakra balancing