-working a cute little event that was new experience to have fun with attending
-the cold freeze being over
-the beauty of foggy weather
-cherry italian ice
-manifesting J texting me back like i knew he would.Then even seeing him so my fears were for nothing. Unfortunately now we aren't speaking again because he was off the cocaine and is a different him but wasn't exactly ready to break the stalemate we had, seems to be using me, had some snapchat call him in the midst of a physical act i was doing, was mean to me twice after i seen him about people being in "our" business and that it shouldn't have happened in the first place, etc, etc then getting mad that i asked about the call that happened so i decided i need to let go of him because the not kissing thing is only an emotional control abuse thing and he clearly doesn't care about me plus his meanness repulsed me-ok so J did seem like he was about to start kissing me when i seen him and when we talked about it that he would but then i said i don't want him to if he doesn't want to which he then said oh good or something because he doesn't want to which was awful and i don't buy it because he did kiss me for hours the first few times we hung out. He had then said he's an awful person and he should just go which was annoying and he ended up getting his way but he almost was about to give me what i wanted but i talked too much i think about it.
-there was some signs i think of growing feelings. He had said before when i first had him in my house and we started getting more physical that weren't going to do the baby, babe, etc thing when i started calling him baby and i went to go check the time on my phone and could have sworn i heard him say go check your phone babe so i think he's slipping on his rules. I think he's also just confused. a certain funny thing sexually happened and i was laughing after, it was so funny to me and i caught him he was just staring at me. Maybe he was angry and it was a power thing or maybe he was ..something else but i never seen him look at me for that long before. He was just watching me as i kept laughing and saying i'm sorry. I know he watches my expressions a little bit, i'll see his face change and his responses to things change based on my instant face expressions but this time he was just staring at me.I think I would have noticed if it was anger. Then, we brought up my crazy texts and i kissed him on the cheek and said yes but he accepts them because he cares about me or something like that and he said yes and that we all have crazy moments it was cute. I know in my heart of hearts he's a good person and has some care for me. I think he just has a lot of "masculine, machismo" conditioning from society and some other issues like from his ex, childhood, etc.
-that he was off cocaine was a pleasant surprise. I pray for his health. Though only alcoholic him is different. More short fused. More masculine energized even and he's already very masculine energized.Possibly better groomed. Some other stuff too i won't get into, of a sexual nature. etc.
-a ganesha mantra i've been using
-my four leaf clover stone
-new selfie for social media
-getting a referral for a job
-my friend saying i look a lot thinner and that i look expensive
-when i'm in a giggly mood. it's nice and fun.
-getting a lightbulb in the ceiling lamp and how much it boosted my mood that brighter, better light
-having doordash credits to order cat food and food for myself tonight
-having a health immune system
-how beautiful my cats are
-manifesting my desires
-that somehow for some reason J thinks i'm really sexy and attractive
-cleaning wipes
-showering
-my new hair color
-affirmations
-my older friend J
-my friend R
-fashion
-prayer
-my little humidifier
-entertainment
-meeting new people
-determination
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