D and i "broke up." Pretty upset about it. It all started this morning,he seemed friendly enough despite everything and then was distant and weird saying things just like "ok" after i explained things to him and tried to communicate with him saying i feel i make him put up with too much. Then he said he doesn't own me and i could do what i want. From there,i seen something on his twitter and flipped out connecting things from a previous fight and accused him of using what we talked about against me and lying to me. He accused me of being a madwoman and insane and said i'd have to wait because he's at work and cant text constantly. he kept denying he lies when i tried pointing things out. he then said "i'm tired of all this texting bull----. I think it's best we no longer speak. I'm sorry it didn't work out. It could've been good." he kept saying i'm nuts and when i brought up the twitter thing he said the girl doesn't live in chicago and he hasnt dated her and the thing has nothing to do with her. he then said stop talking to him then if he disgusts me so then i said okay,bye. and we haven't talked since.i feel awful and attachment feelings and hate that it had to end like this,on such an ugly note and right at the 3 month mark. i've been replaying our moments in my head together we've had. i know there's nothing i can do but give it space. after our previous fights,i then kiss another guy,tell him about it,then go psycho on him about something again. i seem mean and psycho and i can't even deny that and i hate how i come off.but with that,i appreciate:
-that i can see the spiritual soul reasons for D a little.i feel i possibly come off as a magnified version of his ex,how she accused him of so called crazy things then left him. maybe,im meant to be his chance to face that stuff in someone else and do it differently. likewise,the things he pulls out of me,are helping me too. normally,i don't communicate at all with guys,i just flip out privately about things then drop them but i am telling him soo much which is very uncomfortable and vulnerable but some of it,at least,is helping me to become surrendered and rational to things. it's definitely been helpful to see what it's like to communicate versus freak out privately. I admitted a twitter thing caused me to spaz out today. That is very,very uncomfortable and awkward but i did that,i admitted it. That's something for me. I definitely feel i've been able to work through some of my issues through D,obviously far from all,considering how much ugly there is and fights but there IS some learning going on and positive. And,i just know,it's the other way around for him,too. I don't regret telling him the twitter thing,even if we didn't work it out after. I still feel like we'll end up talking again for some reason. I don't know why,i just do. I thought about when things ended with other guys and it always was they completely ignored me or me them or me dropping them and never communicating why and i can't picture D ignoring me or me ignoring him and he knows why and i know why were upseet with each other. So,that alone is something.I believe we both need space.
-after being annoyed by guy last night for following me around and being kind of rude to me,i realized,i do kind of like him actually,he is attractive and seems nice and we talked on and off today and he asked me out. I'll call him B. Best friend says he looks more like my type then D.i only wish my radar wasn't so blurred so i could appreciate it more. but,that's a lesson,too. it reminds me when D first asked me out but would go on and off and seemed to be missing his ex,it was like he just couldn't even see me fully and that's definitely how i feel about B. So,it's nice to experience that side of it,right now. it also helps to see how it's definitely not personal when that happens.
-that i can be more forgiving of others and strong and detached
-that my looks are improving.i got a lot more positive attention at E's party then i have in awhile at a social thing
-finally getting some sleep. if only I had slept would D and I have had that fight,or if i skipped E's party? Lack of sleep,then not eating all day,and being hungover is not good for thinking clearly or handling things well. I feel human now and more seeing things normal now that i've slept.
-having a nice meal. made my favorite food of chick peas curry with wheat bread roll and vegan chicken strips. so good. and helped me feel more normal and healed too
-people to talk to today on and off about D stuff going on. having that support was nice.
-a new instagram pic with B and a girl from the party. my first social pic on instagram too.i thought i looked nice and B is really attractive and photogenic so it ended up being my favorite pic from the night. since there's another girl in the pic,too i didn't feel bad posting it.
-water. drinking a lot and it's helping me
-new facebook friends from people i met socially that added me and i added
-new possibilities
-that business trip is in full planning mode.
-how nice and slimmed out,i looked in old jeans i wore today. they only fit slightly looser,but they hang better and it makes me so much more confident
-how tight my body is
-that my skin is a little darker now from all the tanning i've been doing. it's subtle but different
-getting new yoga pants today
-shopping bill being lower then usual today
-my hair
-my face
-all the compliments i receive
-delicious looking things
-that the weekend is over
-to be wanted. somehow,i keep being wanted even when i'm mean and difficult. maybe,i should feel flattered.
-that more people seemed to take me seriously and my work last night,too bringing it up on their own in a subtle but flattering way
-perspective
-getting strong
-nourishment
-a new tea to try that sounds interesting that i bought
-that best friend thinks D is different and we'll probably still work it out and that it seemed like to him he still was trying to hold onto the conversation