GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

-cats
-appreciation
-the amazing things D has said to me and all the confusion finally cleared these last two,three days.the fact that i made an order on cosmic ordering site for D to add me back on facebook since i deleted him on october. the order was due the 23rd and i made it about 3 weeks ago and i got a text from him telling me he re-added me last night and sure enough in my email,i got an email saying my cosmic order was due an hour before he had texted. right in time! kinda cool manifestation. also,realizing now that the reason D disappeared a night ago was because i brought up facebook and that that is why he got so weird on me in the first place back when things got super weird in october with him..he had seen i had deleted him and hadn't seen at first but not until a day later. and so when i brought it up a night ago he got quiet on me then added me the next day. how clingy he has been which is his true nature he had just held it back because of a comment i had said back in september. him telling me last night the reason he has been the way he is the whole time is because i make him so nervous because im so gorgeous and he wants to be the confident man i want and so thats why he played it cool. i opened up to him about things too from my past.he said he wants a woman who he can explore sexually,physically and emotionally and listed all the qualities i have even random ones like a description of one of the things which what i do for a living i knew he really liked my primary job and was what drew him to me so i thought he didn't like as much my secondary career so saying thats what he wants in a woman and saying he likes my beauty,smarts,attitude,etc.he admitted he's had a lot of crazy thoughts ever since we first started talking. he also told me he gets attached easily and heartbroken easily and is clingy.he admitted more personal things too that he has touched himself to me sometimes and touched himself to some of my text messages and then he started later on doing that while we were talking after telling me things he has thought about me about licking my beautiful -----. i told him he can tell me what he thinks and feels. he went too far though wanting me to send a pic when i told him before i don't do that and he knows what i look like online from facebook and when we meet but he was getting a little carried away even calling me babe(first time giving me a pet name)and saying he doesn't want to ------to a facebook photo. and to just send him a basic plain selfie. it was obvious he was in the middle of it based on how he was talking to me. i got really upset and we had our worst fight ever. a lot was said.i told him i hate him and he's disgusting. he ended up getting mad at me and swearing at me and saying i made him feel like an idiot and am being selfish about how he feels. i accused him of giving me lines this whole time and told him i feel fooled i opened up to him and that all he feels is lust.he said he meant everything he said repeatedly and that he told me what he's looking for.he told me he i am beautiful and gorgeous and he is not going to apologize for being attracted to me and sent a pic of himself with a normal face expression laying down in a sweater shoulders up saying does this make him a whore because i had said in my anger i'm not a whore and that he thinks girls who send pics are superior to girls who dont and we debated about that him saying there is nothing whoreish about girls who do that. he said all he wanted was a picture of me as i am. he seemed like he felt really stupid and like i made him feel awful. he said he was going to bed and goodnight "my name" and sweet dreams and that he hopes i'll forgive this awful miscommunication. i couldn't sleep so texted him two hours later saying sorry i overreacted and i shouldnt have said some of the things i said to him and that i just have some things i'm not comfortable doing but i do want to give myself to him and that it really meant a lot to me what he had said earlier about being nervous and wanting to be the confident guy i want and thats why he played it cool and that iwant him to tell me how he feels and thinks and i think he just got carried away and thats why we had the upset. he replied two hours later in the morning saying it's ok baby,we will be ok and saying he just wanted a picture of me as i am and that he likes photography and loves sending me selfies of himself and he sent me another one of him. it was a little distant today i told him i do still feel a little awkward and he said before that just not to get mad at things that are innocuous and then he admitted that he wasn't mad at me,just frustrated and that he did get a little carried away. we seem to be normal now. idk what's happened. we fight a lot but we seem closer then we ever have been so far. and,these last 2-3 days have cut through every single confusion,literally of why he had been so weird.i can tell he tests me,he tested me at least twice last night or three times with certain things .i appreciate that we are closer now though and have moved past all these levels. it's like we are already in a relationship.
-going to a coffee shop that i really like the next neighborhood over and trying a vegan pastry and having a good experience that went really well with my friend and the barista and how nice he was! such a cool vibe place
-my skin looking better today because of the new moisturizer i bought
-art
-fun music
-deciding to be more focused today and not be so distractable by things like D
-changing my hair part which gives me more confidence
-cute socks like knee high and over the knee
-instagram likes on my pictures and appreciating my instagram again
-that D clearly wants in my world and is trying to stake his claim little by little bringing himself in my world more and more. i feel like his little project. lol.
-feeling slim despite not exercising much the past week
-feeling a little more physically confident
-exploration and newness
-the nicer weather especially yesterday and today too.
-being very highly attractive and above average in looks
-makeup and beauty products
-spacing out my texts to D more and more so i stay a little more detached and a little more in power
-physical exercise
-being wanted as much as i am
-my creativity
-my talents
-deciding to keep D a secret now from the two people i tell the most to