GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

-landlord letting me know best friend was coming to pay rent. he didn't mean to let me know,he doesn't know we aren't speaking,but i think things like that happen,because universe knows I'd want to know. He knocked on door thinking he was here because he seen light on and i told him we aren't speaking but i could call his dad so then he called him and told him he was in back so i just went back inside.It left me with mixed feelings but I do believe it happened for a reason. Not in a predestiny sense though but because universe knew it'd be something i'd want to know.
-my purse
-my landlords
-calling best friend's dad to see if he heard anything
-coffee
-being able to see things logically and with clear perception and to see an injustice was done to me,and justice will come
-joel osteen quote i like about how every unfair thing done to me,i will be paid back for
-having that time of the month,because oddly enough for me,it feels relaxing since the days before i tend to be more on edge
-socks and how good they make my feet feel
-wondering if the apartment i dreamed of the morning in october,that i then found out we had a viewing of when i awoke(one of the few psychic dreams i've had in my life) if we had chosen that,would everything be so much different and better now? We could've moved in right away so no staying with his parents which opened us up to this mess and there was a one year lease,so there'd have been more time to work out our stuff though really our stuff didn't start until november from staying with his parents. I felt a high vibe when we viewed that apartment. I felt an ok vibe when I viewed this one. I can't help but wonder about different actions i could've chosen for a different now. I literally dreamed of that other apartment before I even viewed it. But,then we chose this one.
-emails with S.
-the power of silence and how amazing it is
-squats and lunges
-getting that yoga mat finally placed in the laundry machine
-tuning into thoughts a little. i felt in the last 24 hours or so,slightly urges to text best friend.i don't know if this was just my mind,or if there was something i was getting from his side wanting me to text him. but,in the last hour,i literally almost felt drawn to actually text him as if it was inspired.
-things that give hope. one of those last days,before i was stabbed in the back,i literally received a thought/visual that did not come from me. It was shortly after I had asked him about hugging me and does it make him feel weird and then a few aisles later,i get this cutesy visual and thought infused with a very happy feeling as if bright pink and red heart emojis decorating the thought/visual of him coming up to me and kissing me on the cheek. i never did believe he ever stopped having feelings for me,and i am more evolved then him.i think he just represses things very deeply.
-getting some writing done on that article that is a dream of mine i finally am going back to working on.i did a meditation in the beginning of working on it,so it then flowed and then by time i completed my time of working on it,i felt about 40-50% done with it! so it's getting there.
-simplicity
-decluttering
-my creativity
-being able to see things logically on why i behaved or did a certain thing,but then move forward from it. my mind is becoming more meditative and i love it. meditation is what i discovered before any of this other stuff,well gratitude technically was first. i had gotten so pulled into all these loa processes throughout the years,but meditation is the answer. meditation makes everything else come together so you don't need any loa processes. meditation is the true magic. meditation is what LED me to learn of law of attraction.
-my happy memories with best friend,and of living together.i enjoyed it so much.i only wish i could enjoy and savor the last month more of being here at my apartment,but it's hard with how sad i am. it's scary not knowing 100% exactly what's to come. but,i doubt it'll be being back here at this apartment. and,would i really want that? the crazy thing is,this apartment does hold good memories for me. and,honestly,within me,i feel like NOTHING has changed. it would seem as if i'm in denial,but i just feel like everything will be fine,and is going to work out. what's hilarious is part of me likely wants to come back here to this neighborhood once everything gets sorted and healed. i feel like this is the perfect neighborhood now. i feel like i'll even be happy to go back to where me and best friend first lived our first apartment.

[buttercup]

idk,either the praying or meditating is having an effect,or God has empathy when people are down at their worst,because it seems the little things are sort of flowing just a bit more,and little things that are good keep cropping up.
-lattes
-getting my eyebrows threaded today.i am mostly a diy-er kind of girl,but getting my eyebrows threaded is one thing i love going to get done.
-sleep.
-inspiration from crush A seeing some social media posts he made made me feel more inspired to go after my dreams,and finish up a writing goal i had made. i find it so odd how he posted that at the timing he did,yet again. it's like a twin psychic connection.
-getting in a driving lesson for even just 10 minutes today.
-my beauty
-getting rid of the freewill argument in regards to law of attraction once and for all with logic
-finding out my fitness seminar is only 12-6 instead of 9-6 this weekend which is even better
-meditation. my love! meditation is my love.
-my purse
-my black flat sandals
-my style
-my intelligence
-my creativity
-writing a little to do list in my phone for myself
-my phone
-best friend's mom calling me up less then an hour ago telling me she may have a job for me as a volunteer at her gym. i am actually really excited for this! i really like how she helps me more then best friend's dad. he was looking at a pizza shop which is insulting considering my qualifications plus i'm plant based and then a hospital job when i'm practically phobic of hopsitals and it'd take 3 busses to get there he said which considering i'm mildly agoraphobic would give me a heart attack to get to
-the mascara i got from whole foods yesterday. it looked really good on me. i may start getting more into natural cosmetics lines.
-taking it kind of easy on myself since it's that time of the month and my inner feelings want to slow down just a bit
-deciding it's time to quit pi forum for at least awhile
-how much his parent's are helping me. i may complain and feel awful about some things,but they are really helping me out with a lot and so i am grateful for that
-finding out i had more money then i thought on my card yesterday and dropping a few dollars of it towards my monthly bill i have
-the nightskies,and skyscrapers last night
-emails with S
-getting some groceries today
-daydreaming about becoming really famous and successful from all this the other night
-socks for making my feet feel good
-

[buttercup]

idk,either the praying or meditating is having an effect,or God has empathy when people are down at their worst,because it seems the little things are sort of flowing just a bit more,and little things that are good keep cropping up.
-lattes
-getting my eyebrows threaded today.i am mostly a diy-er kind of girl,but getting my eyebrows threaded is one thing i love going to get done.
-sleep.
-inspiration from crush A seeing some social media posts he made made me feel more inspired to go after my dreams,and finish up a writing goal i had made. i find it so odd how he posted that at the timing he did,yet again. it's like a twin psychic connection.
-getting in a driving lesson for even just 10 minutes today.
-my beauty
-getting rid of the freewill argument in regards to law of attraction once and for all with logic
-finding out my fitness seminar is only 12-6 instead of 9-6 this weekend which is even better
-meditation. my love! meditation is my love.
-my purse
-my black flat sandals
-my style
-my intelligence
-my creativity
-writing a little to do list in my phone for myself
-my phone
-best friend's mom calling me up less then an hour ago telling me she may have a job for me as a volunteer at her gym. i am actually really excited for this! i really like how she helps me more then best friend's dad. he was looking at a pizza shop which is insulting considering my qualifications plus i'm plant based and then a hospital job when i'm practically phobic of hopsitals and it'd take 3 busses to get there he said which considering i'm mildly agoraphobic would give me a heart attack to get to
-the mascara i got from whole foods yesterday. it looked really good on me. i may start getting more into natural cosmetics lines.
-taking it kind of easy on myself since it's that time of the month and my inner feelings want to slow down just a bit
-deciding it's time to quit pi forum for at least awhile
-how much his parent's are helping me. i may complain and feel awful about some things,but they are really helping me out with a lot and so i am grateful for that
-finding out i had more money then i thought on my card yesterday and dropping a few dollars of it towards my monthly bill i have
-the nightskies,and skyscrapers last night
-emails with S
-getting some groceries today
-daydreaming about becoming really famous and successful from all this the other night
-socks for making my feet feel good

[buttercup]

-my new favorite vegan chocolate
-being healthy
-midol
-getting my psychiatrist appointment done today and getting prescribed sertraline
-getting female things picked up that i needed
-a little visualization success story while on the phone waiting for someone to pick up and while reading a return to love about how objects change by our observing them and realizing i have been telling the story or struggle which would include long phone time and how can i "jump" out of that story and create a new one then deciding to imagine for a few seconds someone picking up,then best friend's dad came in car which distracted me and had me "let go" and boom she answered. That was fireworks to me and put me in a good mood. I need little stories like that right now.
-how great my eyebrows look
-feeling comfortable
-serendipity and noticing another serendipity now with me and best friend. and,also realized some things i thought of negatively as patterns may actually be serendipity,and being able to understand how it doesn't make it "predestiny." it was freeing. I realized back when best friend and i took label off our relationship and he felt i chose someone over him in a sense in 2009,he then got into fitness as a career starting with his mom placing him as a front desk at a gym. Then,in winter,he brought that guy up once or twice,which to me felt as proof best friend isn't over me,and i have been feeling he chose R over me,and now i am getting into fitness and may even end up starting by being placed front desk at a gym. It's quite strange and interesting to me. I was having panics last night,and also thinking gosh,how much i wonder had i missed out on all those years while best friend was out and about at work and such,if there's a whole world about him i have no idea about. it was uncomfortable. I am glad i have realized all of this as "serendipity and cycles" vs "stuck patterns and predestiny." I feel I am becoming reset more and more with things.
-how strong i've been
-getting front room floor cleaned last night
-that i can focus on some independence things i have learned over the last years,even if they are small to me. from taking care of a cat without the cat being at a parent's,to being home so much as if i'm living alone which might scare a lot of people as much as navigating alone scares me,to knowing how to cook some foods on my own. I have achieved some things that are "grown up" in the last few years,even if i am stunted in some ways. the psychiatrist used that word too today. "Stunted" which i like,since i find it accurate. I am stunted in some ways,but that's ok and shame isn't going to help me now.
-being given money today so now i can maybe get those other pants i kind of held back on last night,though also wasn't 100% sure on them anyways
-getting the pants i did choose last night,and the free lingerie that comes with every order
-that best friend's parent's are helping me to get on my feet
-the release feeling that comes from that time of the month.i always feel relaxed.
-my phone
-serendipity about crush A after thinking about him which got my spirits lifted a bit
-having great taste
-being smart
-the marianne williamson book i've been re-reading. it really is quite great,actually.
-getting facebook updated a bit the other day

[buttercup]

everyday,my heart is so empty.
-got a certificate for the fitness seminar i did today. that was pretty cool.
-the feelings of familarity i kept getting during the seminar
-lattes
-makeup
-having pep in my step and feeling more confident having something to do i was excited for and for actually wearing a little makeup and brushing my hair. i got a lot more looks and positive attention,too which is interesting.
-finding pants that i definitely did not see before that best friend's mom loaned me.i swear they weren't there before and look like pants i would want,too and was looking at online. so weird!
-that i'm in therapy now. there's a solace in that,actually.
-the serlatine. too soon to know how it's working yet but am glad to have it with whats going on right now
-manifesting deciding to contact an old friend and her suggesting we get brunch then a gig offer for first career right after feeling lonely last night and depressed. was interesting how that happened.
-having a nice body
-appreciating my look.i like having a sort of nerd-ish,gawky girl look
-that tuesday,i can maybe take a cycling class then yoga
-water

[buttercup]

-leftover pizza
-freeneville podcasts.
-meditation. i love how it guides me to the next step. today,i felt called just to pack my next bag in the next and then during my 2nd meditation for 5 minutes,felt guided to go do another walk to somewhere tomorrow morning,perhaps the bakery. i just feel guided that overcoming the anxiety issue is the base of everything,and to continue on with the plan i made even if i will have to change it in ways come may.
-doing some driving today
-sertaline i've been taking
-manifesting something cool from my thought experiment i tried.i visualized finding a pink feather in my doorway,and today i seen an art photo of some white abstract picture with what looks to be a pink feather in the middle. i can't possibly see what else it could be,and it called out to me.i feel like little things like this are happening to tell me to keep the faith no matter how painful and frightening things are. i'm finding more to be grateful for and more manifesting ease in some ways these days,it's odd.
-makeup
-having brunch plans with a friend this coming week at a place right by my house. so glad i manifested that
-my sense of style
-goals. reminding myself again,no matter how scary things are,by accomplishing one thing,then another,it puts everything together. if i can even only feel 100% comfortable walking to anywhere no matter where i live that's within 2 blocks,that's actually an accomplishment and I can move from there.i think it's just a matter of keeping doing a little,and being consistent,and then it'll all form and be so super easy that by next year,i'll be looking back in surprise at how hard i had made things over the years of my life.
-water

[buttercup]

-finding my keys last night. looked and looked for 2 hours and then finally found them right on the desk chair. so weird!
-getting pizza slices bought for me today
-deciding to help out my mom with one thing she asked even though i felt uncertain at first and seeing all went well with it,and it seemed to really make her feel better
-getting my dishes done for me. so nice.
-spending 2 hours or an hour an half or so studying driving written tests online last night. felt good to spend that much time studying.i can feel i am so close to being ready
-walking to the bakery to get some cupcakes. a very easy goal,but i felt confident doing it,and best friend's dad seemed very happy that i did it.
-getting my pants i ordered in the mail today and that they looked great,and the free lingerie with every order from that boutique. love it. i always get my order so quick,too.
-finding out where i'm going in may,that the name of the neighborhood isn't what i thought,but is just by it,which made me feel slightly better
-deciding last night,maybe where i'm going ISN'T that bad of a neighborhood and how would i feel living there if it was a safe neighborhood? And,all this resistance melted away,and things felt ok. It was freeing. And,then deciding,I should start pre-paving for when i'll be there for safety,and ease,and all that
-a list of things i want/desires i intend to manifest i wrote down and keep in my purse. i looked at it again last night and was surprised somehow some of them already manifested. i guess in some ways,i have become less resistant lately.
-my phone
-doing some driving today,and getting better at it. i literally feel like i know how to drive as long as traffic isn't super busy and someone is with me.
-eye massage
-sleep
-that my mom liked the cupcake i gave her
-meditation and how amazing it feels.
-awesome kind messages from people online
-that best friend's parents have been so helpful to me and kind
-being able to see things in a more positive way
-my sandals
-my beauty
-that i know i am improving and bettering myself,and it wont be long before i have a liscense and from there accomplish other goals. it feels like i am about 90% there with being able to get a liscense
-today feeling a little brighter and more optimistic for some reason
-though it's painful in hindsight,seeing how gloriously just fine this neighborhood is for living and navigating around in terms of safety.i see so many diverse people walking about,women with my specs walking around at night,people jogging.i spent so much time in fear and now by the time i started being less afraid,i have to leave here.
-being able to appreciate the beauty in life,and having a photographic eye. i am often from time to time stopping and seeing the view in front of me as a photograph,and appreciating the trees,the angling of things,and so on.
-that as scary of a time as this is,using this time as a reset button and not giving up on the law of attraction or my dreams and knowing anything is still possible

[buttercup]

-the sertraline i've been taking.i am not sure if it's the meditation,the pills,or best friend is still sending me reiki(had a weird feeling he still was) or a combination but have found my mind is much quieter throughout the day,it's almost as if i'm stoned.
-doing the cycling class and yoga today. found it too slow for my style,and yoga made me sad thinking about things,but by the end i felt good,i needed it,and some of the poses reminded me of playtime such as what children would do.
-best friend's mom saying i am good at yoga,and very flexible and saying i have the structure for yoga,and would be a good teacher. that was awesome. she is an instructor and that's what i've been wanting to do,so that's a very good thing that she thinks i'd be good at it.
-getting into lotus pose surprising myself since i was confused by it at first,and being the only one who could
-finding best friend's stuff still here today when i got home
-water
-allowing myself to imagine what if best friend is planning on coming even while i'm here,and how would i respond and imagining myself just staring at him taking in the sight of him sadly then asking him can i have one last hug then trying to kiss him,and telling him i've waited for him for years and how could he do this. i miss him like crazy. one good thing though is finally earlier today i realized,i have focused clarity that I really want to manifest some kind of polite communication from him such as text to check up on me. this would mean so much to me and raise my spirits up incredibly with this whole ordeal.
-email from S.
-food
-sleep
-happy things i have connected to in life. for some strange reason,I feel a sense of connection more then i have in awhile to things i desire,and have desired.i just feel that strong sense of "ah,that made me happy,i enjoyed that/that makes me happy/i enjoy that" whether it's my brother's cat,or the neighborhood i am now leaving,to yoga,to the beauty of the generosity best friend had showed me in the past,i am just really recognizing gratitude and feeling of that which i connect to,and have connected to
-imagining things i desire on and off throughout the day to retrain my imagination
-doing some more work on article last night. about 45% done,i'd say
-doing a little driving today. rush hour scares the heck out of me,and i drove crossing the busy street during. my nerves were shot after that,but at least i did it.
-business partner sending and responding to some things today
-makeup
-heat
-cozy feelings

[buttercup]

-that somehow despite all that's going on,i'm saying yes to more things. maybe this is what's meant to happen,to learn how to say yes to more things at once,and see it all comes together
-a nice pleasant soreness from cycling last night
-coffee
-muffin
-trying this creamer best friend's mom suggested to me,and it being quite good
-email from S
-ex A contacting me this morning and making plans to see me this weekend. so random.
-having a dream this morning that L apologized to me
-the internet
-meditation
-creative ideas. who knows,maybe deep pain and being reset will really help me to become in the flow and have more things happen at once,and more ease with it. that was always a block for me in the past(having a lot going on at once overwhelmed me). but it seems that's a theme for me lately. in driving,you have to focus on a lot at once,and be focused. at the fitness seminar,you had to focus on a lot at once(doing the movies,being on beat,saying the moves). i'm also realizing a goal for me,is i want to start getting things done quicker. i take a long time to get ready,to clean,things like that and now it seems it's time for that to stop. it seems i need to learn how to take on more at once,and handle it with flow,while loa decluttering and getting things done quicker which is perfect for meditation becoming more important in my life again since that declutters me and simplifies my spiritual routine without me feeling the need to do a lot. it calms my mind.
-getting a follow up for a job offer from first career.
-my meds i've been taking
-being smart
-being beautiful
-sleep. slept a lot again. though,i think i started to have a panic during sleep. i do not remember,it may have been the other night i am thinking of,i just have a memory of my heart starting to speed up like crazy
-writing notes to myself from freeneville podcasts ideas of what my ideal life would look like.i couldn't fully answer the question but so far,i got that i would be living in a simple and minimal,small-ish but luxe apartment in a at least reasonably safe neighborhood. meditate daily,do yoga daily,walk and grab a latte at a nearby cafe. that's as far as i got. in an existential mind crisis,i asked myself what would happily ever after be for me at this point,and i realized there is no happily ever after,just a series of happily ever afters but the best i could come up with at that moment is i'd love to see an article published on a certain publication written by me.i like questions like this since they get the mind thinking about what the heart really wants.
-choosing love,no matter what. it hurts so freaking bad what's happened to me,and it logically feels idiotic to love,but i still do.i can't help but still love best friend and forgive him. i can't help but still be reasonably nice to my mom,and so on. people hurt me,and i can't stop choosing love.
-that i've gotten this far since the news broke and what i've gotten so far since then from that done.
-my phone
-seeing loa at work for example,i didn't want the hospital job,but i didn't really fight it,i just knew i didn't want it,and kept it to myself,and then somehow the text "magically" transformed to me being offered a computer instead of me being told why i need to be computer savvy. that's actually kind of cool if you think about it.i was supposed to text saying i am computer savvy and from there get more info on this,and instead got offered a laptop he was giving away. super weird.
-getting pics selected for job 2 i do
-makeup
-emailing myself job listings and getting a little excited thinking about the possibilities

[buttercup]

-being given more money
-doing a yoga class today and watching kickboxing and zumba,it was like diving into best friend's world
-trying a pizza place and finding when i went by myself that they had a vegan pizza option which i got
-the delicious peanut butter cookie i got today at the pizza place
-brunch plan tomorrow.i feel almost guilty for doing something fun with all that's going on but at the same time feel like i need it,and it will benefit me.
-emails from S and S making me laugh when he asked me if i want him to help me forget about my pain for a few hours. i played dumb and he dropped it and we changed the subject but it made me laugh which i needed
-the warm weather today
-the beautiful colors of the sky at night
-resting for a bit on couch at best friend's parents house before yoga class.
-my style
-therapy going better then i thought it would
-latte this morning
-getting my clothes washed
-seeing in life i am better then i think i am,and will be ok
-seeing that neighborhood i'll be living in come may maybe isn't so bad to walk around to get to things,and seeing young girls walking around
-my beauty
-finding my jewelry and seeing jewelry i didn't even remember having
-coming home and seeing everything in tact.
-getting a bunch of files deleted off the phone and getting uber back on
-best friend's mom saying she isn't crazy about R either. though she could be lying,but still is nice to hear