-a nice double scoop of vegan protein drink for dinner so i can get my protein for the day in easily without having to worry about it,and also since i feel i went a little lower the last few days
-orange extract which i add in to my protein drinks which makes them taste so sweet
-deciding to start breaking my vitamin e capsules and use them externally as well and see how that goes
-being honest with myself that i'm really feeling like i'm drifting still,and feeling stuck,more-so in a career sense,and don't really know what to do,and that there's a lot of little things i'd like to change but don't know how yet.i think that i'm still slacking on good meditating is also causing this.i'm still overthinking,and indecisive about little things,as well as feeling a lack of purpose and direction somewhat. maybe not purpose,but direction i what i mean. maybe i'm just waiting for business trip to be over before i start making more changes,but i don't like that as an excuse neccessarily,but yet i can't help but feel like it's an important thing to me for this year and that it needs to get done,before i can see what's next.
-how shiny and great my hair feels
-deciding to go ahead and message my ex A on facebook telling him something and sending him music i mentioned to him before. it made me feel better doing so. i must admit,maybe it's just because we had sex,or maybe we just are really in alignment with each other right now,but i feel it'd be really enjoyable to spend more time with him. he is sexy,mature,non judgemental,positive,and a provider,masculine,and has changed a lot it seems. plus,there's a closeness there. his words really have made me wonder if we'd end up together. i haven't thought such a thing in so long,though. ever since we first reconciled,i just figured we'd be in each other's lives,and keep in touch but that's it,but then time and again,i manifest more things that my heartbroken self wished upon during meditation way back years ago when we split up,and my heart just KNEW we'd see each other again one day. and then,we did.i manifested seeing him again. i then manifested us back with each other,having had sex,and now with us for the first time,pretty much talking about dating again. these are all things,i feel i probably wished for back then,that have come about.i feel,and have felt for awhile,that he sees me as the one who got away(even though he abandoned me,lol) and the one he'd like to end up with,marry or have a kid with. idk why. idk what makes me different.i don't have some of the interests he loves.i can see why he'd like me,want to date me,and so on,but not sure what makes me someone he'd want to end up with. it makes me feel even more what we had in 09 was very much real and special to him. we were so different then,so much younger. for the first time since we dated,i feel more of a paternal vibe from him,too. but also,for the first time,at least since we dated,if not ever,i feel the smoke and mirrors was off,like there was just something more real and mature being shown,whereas other times we reconnected,it seemed he tried to cover up more,and had more perhaps uncertainties of how to be,whereas last saturday,he felt more like he knew me,and how to be.it was the first time since we dated,i felt a strong sense of control from him,authenticity,and possessiveness,whereas before,he seemed more blocked. somehow we just really really seem on the same page,it is so weird.i don't even think we were this much on the same page when we dated,but maybe we were
-getting the suitcase in the living room. makes me feel good having it in there,since my goal is to be packed a few days before leaving so i can try and sleep the night before since i don't usually
-going tanning today
-the beautiful,peace sounds of outside. so soothing.
-makeup. got my package last night,and it was in pretty lace bag and they gave me a free full size eyeliner in my favorite color. so excited to try it. it's a color i'd actually be drawn to buy anyways. so excited to order direct from this company again.
-savasana pose. did a five minute meditation on the floor in that pose and i am making that my meditation method of the moment. for me,mixing it up is essential and so i'm going to keep meditating in that pose for a bit.i find it very opening and great for clarity.
-water and how tasty it is
-banana fruit spread on cinnamon french toast sticks. so good.
-how over B i am and have been and seeing how far i've come since then.i see pics of him now online,and think i can do much better,which is mean,but an essential part of healing with these kinds of things,i think. also,am reminded of how nice it is spending time with my ex A,who is a little older,and tougher. Funny,both him and my first boyfriend are guys who would easily win in a fight against any of these guys nowadays. It seems the guys i end up official with are guys who are very capable and physically strong,and caretaker types. B was one guy i was close to that with,though,and actually the guy who was 3rd most able to win in a fight against any guy so for some reason guys i end up actually official with or very close to it,are that type. The provider,protective type that won't get in a fight,but they are keeping their eyes peeled for danger,and could get in a fight,and win in a fight,and intimidate other guys.
-how hard my nails are
-inspirations. from the daughter of kurt cobain and courtney love and the 90's and middle eastern influences,these are some things i'm really inspired by
-chakra healing music. while organizing more files,i listened to heart all the way up to crown solfeggios. these do such an amazing job of clearing energy and raising my vibration for me. my mind almost always gets quieter from the vibration raising,too. from heart chakra,where i get a little emotional at times from that,to throat where my mind gets a little more quieter and positive,to third eye and crown where mind just literally becomes clarified,it is so nice.
-music
-my style
-positive articles online that change your perspective,for example on embracing that time of the month,and why which is something i've been starting to feel more lately. we are taught to HATE so many things,and fear them,like monthly cycles,and death,when if we opened our eyes and changed our perceptions,we can see them in much more positive ways.
-my lemon ginger tea. so good.
-reflection
-going to sleep a little earlier last night,though it didn't seem to make a difference in how tired i was waking up
-great quotes and reflections from others,including famous people,that show others think and believe certain things that are much deeper then this physical reality
-relaxing about imperfection and how much more i had wanted to cover in last letter for project 21