A lot has gone down since my last post. Apparently J was robbed. Texted me the next morning his place was robbed and his cat was missing. Accused me of being involved 5 times which is insane. It really changed the dynamics with us again. One being we are speaking again, and me seeing how hurt he was or distraught broke my heart. Ever since too i've been more jumpy about the incident. It's like we are trauma bonding at this point. It got us back to speaking again though, just not in a way i'd ever want. We are now civil with each other and it's like what happened broke down the barriers that kept us from talking, mine being that after how he treated me i felt so hurt, how could he type stuff i can't just let him in again type stuff but this wasn't like that, it was crazy outside circumstances that broke through that because the other stuff didnt matter. Again, this weird thing as upsetting as it is almost seemed fated to happen to bring us together because why me that seen the weird guy when i never see him outside really or anyone relating to him, then that. And then but a day or two later, a fire truck and ambulance drove by in front of my place and two of them asked if it was for me. I said not this time. Then, like in such a surreal this can't be real am i a movie moment it drove further up and then turned to front of J's place. I was very nervous and watching. I didn't think I seen him but a younger looking guy talking to the paramedics. It's all a blur now but then someone going into something and i think being put on a stretcher and the fire truck that was in front of his house going off kind of quick and seeing what looked like a stretcher with a body on it like a dead body. I tried seeing who the kid was and observing and trying to hear but then realizing that what the body on a firetruck means i went inside quickly. I thought he was dead. With everything that had just happened and then this. I was so scared. I texted him several times. Called him and left a vm. Tried going out on the backporch a little to see if i could see something that might give me a clue but i dont even know what that would be. I then went on instagram and messaged him where are you.I even messaged a friend of his i seen in his list last summer from 2 of my profiles, i even said i loved him in one of the messages to his friend. I was crying so hard and so scared. Then J responded. I was freaking out still telling him what happened and that i'm sorry. He wasn't mad and now the other day he wants to see me.I just know all of this is a turn of events really, but especially that i told his friend i love him. So, yeah that' been the last week including dealing with getting my life a little more afloat and back to normal and dealing with shingles pain, etc.
-I'm grateful J is alive. The fear i felt. It was awful. I was just so scared so i'm grateful he's alive.
-that i know i did the best thing with what I had and knew with the robbing incident and I think J agrees. He wouldnt have wanted me to call the police from what it sounds like. I mean, he wasn't going to go the police so i can only assume that based on that but even if not i did the best i could with what i knew of him and the incident going on.
-seeing J again as a twin to me. Seeing him mirror me in ways with things he does like the bizarre accusations. I just tried to be patient and show him love.
-that J and i are speaking again
-that again with the ambulance incident i did the best i could with what i knew and my own natural subconscious responses.
-that I think, i have a feeling that the ambulance incident brought us closer together like it maybe changed something in him seeing how much i cared and that i cried for him and all that and told his friend i love him. At first i thought it meant nothing to him probably and maybe he was weirded out or annoyed or that he just doesn't care about me and i need to let it go, yes be there for him but get him out of my head. I've been feeling his energy on me a lot ever since and he asked me to hang out the other day. I think he's happy i contacted him on instagram. I think he was really upset when i first unfollowed him and then when i later recently blocked him so me messaging him there as silly as it is, i think he likes that. It was even the first place he responded to me. Maybe this will change the dynamics with us finally. Maybe seeing my acceptance and genuine care through all this and that i love him did something more than i know
-that J wants to hang out again
-pain from shingles going away more but it's still there
-the rash from shingles being faded a lot now
-proving the haters wrong
-working last week an event that will bring me half my rent money
-finishing my reasonable accomodation letter and being ready to send it first thing early a.m
-manifesting almost $400 on a giftcard that arrived yesterday
-the really nice guy who seen me crying and got someone for me and kept an eye on me asking if i'm ok. Because of him, i made sure i went to my job. I was so anxious i considered walking away but he brought out one of the bosses who was very nice and encouraging to me and made me feel like i could do this. She said i'm already ahead of the game, i'm gorgeous. She was very motivating and i was able to walk in and do my job.
-free lunch and dinner at my job
-being able to feel that feel good feeling of being productive and doing something good
-learning new route and more with directions when ex J had me meet him about 5 blocks past my job and it ended up being a little bit of a puzzle, could i do it but i felt safe knowing he was going to find me if i got lost and surely enough i found where i had to go which felt really exciting.
-getting some sun and how good that's been for me
-spending a little time in the outdoors just from walking outside to get to J, or my walks and so on
-getting the gray tank top i ordered in the mail
-getting the gray coverup spray and how much it's boosted my confidence covering up the grays that sprout up
-making my pawn shop payment i had to make
-getting asked out a lot
-ordering myself the cute ballerina sneakers i wanted since i deserve a treat
-getting closer on my walk by midway airport to marion's to practice overcoming the fear, getting the endurance i want, and working up my plan for the first thing i'll do regarding the cats. I'm almost halfway now. The walks are relaxing but i will have to do them earlier now that i'm getting further into the distance for safety.
-music
-my skin healing and finally starting to just be more hydrated and looking nice with the aloe vera, the watermelon and aha bha acid toner i use that hydrates my skin and the red light therapy etc.
-my watermelon glow hydrating toner. Never heard of a toner that hydrates but this one does and seems to be doing really nice things for my skin
-how cute my cats are
-having patience with my cats
-savoring the moment with my cats
-getting my cats more treats
-thinking about what new cat toy i could get them
-actually being in a good mood yesterday thinking about what i manifested:J wants to see me and almost feels like a start fresh energy, getting my pawn shop loan payment to hold for another month paid, the weather being beautiful, the gray coverup spray working so my confidence lifted and the gift card with almost $400. It made me feel like everything is going to be ok. Abundance is here. I can have what i want and heal what's happened in march and april
-that ever since the ambulance incident, i feel J's energy again a lot. It makes me feel weird mixed feelings because it means the disconnect was likely he shut off from me and that hurts Like, eff me and just detached. But, i feel it again like i did before things got weird in march.
-coffee cakes
-the rain we've had a few times recently and how peaceful it sounds
-the smell of fresh cut grass
-night skies
-sunshine
-the beautful sunsets we've been having
-aloe vera gel for doing an amazing job helping my skin
-how hydrated my skin gets from red light wand
-prednisone helping me feel better
-my femininity
-getting an idea more of where i want my style and look to go for the next year or so
-how smart i am to come up with the reasonable accomodation by having the idea, doing the research, finding a reasonable accomodation letter template and then filling it in and altering parts that made sense for my state's code since it was using a law citation from california so i had to look up my city's
-seeing another thing i forgot about before in research that protects with reasonable accomodation
-being smart
-my hair feeling nice and healthier lately
-trying to drink more water
-raviolis from the dollar store and how good they are and only about $3 a bag
-beautiful things
-positive affirmations
-prayer
-sleep
-my accomplishments and the cool things i've done that have given me a high status image
-sleep
-candy
-super sour gushers
-inspirational videos
-having desires
-feeling wanted
-having a good heart
-all these ideas i have for things to do and ways to make my life better
-yoga
-walking
-physical exercise
-doing some crunches today
-cleaning out the freezer
-becoming healthier and more self sufficient and slowly rebuilding what fell apart, it's very slow, but i'm hoping it'll pick up the speed soon. Right now i'm just starting to get afloat.
-inspirational videos
-funny videos
-laughing
-having beautiful young looking eyes
-clorox wipes
-cleaning
-having great fashion sense
-having a beautiful feminine face
-having a lot of work booked for the month
-the silly but cute things p cat does
-having a kind heart
-healthy digestion
-growing as a person
-embracing what is
-having good morals
-baby wipes
-the air in the bathroom feeling better since i started humidfying it. Still think it's insane the air here is so dry, i can FEEL it
-the desire to get back to creative pursuits and be driven and ambitious again
-inspiration
-standing up for myself
-new experiences
-people who are friendly to me
-seeing i have a vitamin d refill left that i never filled so requesting it
-trying new restaurants with ex J
-ex J giving me money to hold my items for another month
-ex J giving me money to uber the other day and to have more on my venmo because there's fees to withdraw and a little extra he gave me
-hoodies
-having a few shorts i can wear here
-feeling more confident in my ability to request abundance and certain lovers to me
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