1. #1461


    -seeing J's name everywhere after i "chose" him, though i don't know what it meant. A few days later I had to speak up about something to him and tell him the issue, and he took accountability and said sorry but didn't say why or that he'd stop and we kind of ended after that. Which made me start wonder what was the point in choosing him. Then in frustration the other day i was thinking what was the point he's not speaking to me, why did i choose him, he's practically ghost again and i was looking through receipts and like beaming neon lights calling out to me, his name flashed at me again on one out of nowhere affirming to me for some reason the universe seems to be telling me I did choose right. That's the message i'm getting.
    -ordering a jacket that was inspired by me paying homage to J's style a little that i think is cute and i need a new jacket
    -calming down and uplifting myself a little after the last few days of sulking and anxiety after getting deceived then fired
    -starting some new year's resolutions
    -seeing how much my weight blimped up in like 10 days in pics despite not doing anything except stress really,and sulking in better for a few days and that it can go down just as quick and the power of how quick i can make things change for the better
    -after getting so stressed at my cat for acting crazy right when i was sulking and stressed wacking the blinds constantly for the last few days, realizing i need to appreciate him more and just compromise and give him more play time.
    -the adorable and funny dirty look i caught b cat give me when he didn't get his when i got mad about the blinds when he was wacking them so i'd play with his chaser toy
    -actually not getting charged a late fee for my storage unit for once
    -my four leaf clover stone and the good luck it brings me
    -getting smile line filler recently
    -that for some reason guys seem to find me really attractive and i get a lot of attention from the opposite sex even when i'm super covered up, no makeup, and not showered.
    -good movies
    -music and the power it has
    -ordering a lamp to improve the mood here
    -catching J seeming to watch me recently when a neighbor randomly started talking to me when i was on the porch and nervously babbling and asked to sit by me. I thought J was at work and 10 minutes into this encounter his light suddenly goes on. I was laughing a lot sounding bubbly, probably flirty, but that's just how i am when i'm nervous and this guy was definitely trying to hit me up and J was trying to tell me something. I almost thought he was going to come out and say something. it was cute and flattering.
    -going out to meet a friend dj-ing recently. I really needed to get out and have some kind of night out. I was losing my head. I got dressed up, wore my gucci bag and gucci belt, it was nice to be at a nice place and have drinks and just be out. Plus, J had said something before about "i need to socialize more" or something not getting or forgetting that i told him i withdrew from everyone and everything the last year and a half due to my health issues and weight gain. It's not like i'm not someone who hasn't had a full, thriving social life or knows many people so it felt good to kind of show him that because i tagged a pic of my outing on social media.
    -J saying happy new year, the first text since we "ended" which was something at least
    -telling J the rest of how i felt about things a few days before the new years text figuring it seemed like he might be ghosting me again, i may as well get closure and say the rest of how i felt about things with how he made feel that wasn't so great. It may have made him feel not so great but it needed to be said i think.
    -meeting my goals
    -that i actually did make a lot of progress last year, despite falling short of some things and having some things well fail
    -how wanted J made me feel. All the crazy excuses he made to see me, the calls, leaving his stuff here. The time we spent together.
    -that i manifested J back. It kinda surprised me i did. I didn't think i even wanted to so much, or would and it just surprised me and happened like nothing but as a surprise too. At this point, in a way i feel like it's over, but in a way i feel like it'll never be over and i am just curious how our connection will further. and hope for some things but know i have to let go and move on now too because he drives me so crazy and if he's not talking to me then i can't be thinking about him except in designated time i maybe let myself at most
    -how cute my cats are
    -how much my cats love each other and that we are a family
    -getting all my recaps done last night and this morning and closing off everything with that marketing agency
    -getting paid a big check, which shows me again, i can do it, i can make good money. i did it before, it's not that hard.
    -that my food card is almost reloaded
    -getting better at finessing
    -my pca skin face wash
    -inspirational videos
    -hair ties
    -my older friend J sending me a cash app the other day to cheer me up
    -a girl i met at a job in october sending me a link to an app for work
    -another friend sending me a link to something she did before that was hiring or might be
    -my sense of style
    -moving the bed to change the energy in my place
    -clearing out a section of the living room to declutter/ empty it recently
    -having a caring heart
    -being able to process things once things get a little quiet or i get out of my head a little
    -finding some older pictures from work that are really cool that i dont remember seeing before
    -realizing i want to open myself up to earning more money and feeling like i can
    -my silver colored rain boots
    -my femininity
    -my desires
    -the church stairs i like to sit at
    -that i've evolved away from some of the bad from last year and year before
    -being awoken to new things that excite me
    Last edited by buttercup; 6th January 2024 at 07:36 AM.

  2. #1462


    -feeling uplifted since letting A friend out of my life
    -realizing after getting fired i need to stop lowballing myself with how much i'm getting paid and that i spent too much on transportation
    -going to visit my feral cats
    -taking b cat to the vet
    -b cat and p cat doing so well at the vet. they were like perfect angels. So well behaved. didnt fuss or whine or squirm. Just let the nurse do their thing and sat there the whole time. It was amazing. No one would believe they ever cause trouble. It was like they were given weed or chill pills. It made me feel like a very proud cat mom.
    -that B cat was pretty healthy and the visit went well and deciding to do the xray
    -accomplishing some of my new year's goals already
    -M getting back to me about the cats and the heat
    -getting my tear trough filler finally which made me feel good
    -manifesting an amazing deal on my tear trough filler which by the time i paid made it about half the price as a random surprise and my injector said i'm family
    -my four leaf clover stone and the good luck it brings me
    -getting a big check the other week
    -getting a random extra the next week which a nice extra manifestation
    -having a caring heart
    -deciding to go back to brunette
    -after going no contact, after 6 days J contacting me like nothing and having a normal conversation with me sunday and asking if i'd be home later, which it seemed to be to fix things
    -beautiful photos of myself from the days of my first career
    -confirming a photo shoot and feeling ready to do it and like it'd be good for me
    -ordering a 3rd lamp after not being able to put together the first 2 and getting refunded for them and this one will be a charm because it's already installed and is cool tube light, glow stick style. It costs more but it'll be worth and has a cool art gallery style look
    -browsing the chanel store to look at wallets recently
    -working on my new year's resolutions and reflecting on the last year
    -after asking the universe for another sign, manifesting about 2 days later going through my email and understanding what my lawyer had sent me. It was indeed a paper to sign that means me staying at my apartment. Because of my recent circumstances it made the most sense now. Something keeps me tied here connecting to J longer as if i need to solidify more before i can move. It's strange but then after last night, it's confusing. Maybe it's all playing out the way it's supposed to though and this thing that happened last night is part of it. Hopefully it brings us closer because right now i'm hurt, and scared.
    -baby wipes
    -ordering a food puzzle for my cat after a suggestion from the vet
    -that at least with the the new option of staying here i won't have to rely on my ex's help
    -how hard my lawyer has been working for me
    -my dior balm tint in ultra pink
    -updating my resume last night
    -cleaning the house last night
    -doing ok at applying to jobs the last few days trying to find a new career or even get something in my current field
    -ordering a new going out dress recently
    -my cica sleeping mask
    -my fresh sleeping scrub
    -my body looking a little slimmer the last few days
    -watching a few movies on starz and hbo the last week or so
    -my friend getting the gift i got him
    -getting a shade up on the other window
    -M sending me money
    -people thinking i have a baby face
    -listing more items on poshmark
    -posting more pics on instagram
    Last edited by buttercup; 16th January 2024 at 12:28 PM.

  3. #1463


    -after spiraling from J randomly having what seemed to me a random paranoid freakout and disappearing on me in the midist of us about to meet at the door triggering my ptsd and just not being himself, finally processing that's what it was all week making me feel strange. That he triggered my ptsd and grounding myself and that i have to let it go. I don't understand completely. It left me sort of shattered after initially having some hunches with my confusion just being entirely confused and now i have to let it go and since then my clarity has started to come back and my mind fogginess started to go away. It got a little scary. I started to get a little lost at the end there. I was crying in bed scared one day, accusing people of random things, including him. People were being minimal with me in response and confused and i just felt off and by then i felt like i was losing control of my mind a little. I had to take medication and talk to a professional for a little bit. I don't know why that had such an effect on me what he did but it really did something to me, but i have my mind back, and i'm feeling like myself again so i'm thankful because i hated how weird things felt. It was like something cast a spell on me or i took a pill that made me feel disassociated and paranoid and just weird. i was embarrassed
    -gin gins to ease my stomach uneasiness
    -drinking water to hydrate and feel better
    -M giving me money
    -nami to talk to which helps sometimes
    -an old work contact reaching out who wants to work together again who's moving back here and connect and even go to dinner which felt talk to talk to
    -that i confirmed a job for next weekend
    -that i'm starting to get back into my old career pursuits a little bit
    -settling into new decisions a little bit and forging a new path for myself a bit
    -the beauty of quiet
    -the beauty in expressing my vulnerability and realizing it's not something i have to be ashamed of
    -my femininity
    -having a loving, caring heart
    -having interests
    -having creativity
    -having accomplished and done cool things
    -being brunette again and liking how that looks on me
    -people considering me beautiful
    -baby wipes
    -ordering some new lingerie
    -sweet memories i cherish with J and that he did allow me to feel he was the one i wanted to be vulnerable with, and he was the one that broke down barriers other didnt. He was the one i wanted to give me heart to
    -beauty products
    -the food puzzle for my cats coming and that they seem to like it
    -the cold freeze being about to end
    -physical exercise
    -reflecting on the changes i made last year and new goals for this year
    -good movies
    -choosing to believe in what i want for my reality and affirming
    -having really pretty hair
    -having nice lips
    -feeling determined to change my life this year
    -sending in job applications for new careers
    -cleaning wipes
    -putting the bed back where it was
    -cutting people out of my life who are judgemental
    -feeling my vibe uplifted since letting go of some things
    -when i manifest good things
    -laughing and humor
    -feeling clear on what i want with some things
    -believing in bigger things for myself again
    -getting better at no contact
    -chakra balancing
    Last edited by buttercup; 21st January 2024 at 10:14 AM.

  4. #1464


    -working a cute little event that was new experience to have fun with attending
    -the cold freeze being over
    -the beauty of foggy weather
    -cherry italian ice
    -manifesting J texting me back like i knew he would.Then even seeing him so my fears were for nothing. Unfortunately now we aren't speaking again because he was off the cocaine and is a different him but wasn't exactly ready to break the stalemate we had, seems to be using me, had some snapchat call him in the midst of a physical act i was doing, was mean to me twice after i seen him about people being in "our" business and that it shouldn't have happened in the first place, etc, etc then getting mad that i asked about the call that happened so i decided i need to let go of him because the not kissing thing is only an emotional control abuse thing and he clearly doesn't care about me plus his meanness repulsed me-ok so J did seem like he was about to start kissing me when i seen him and when we talked about it that he would but then i said i don't want him to if he doesn't want to which he then said oh good or something because he doesn't want to which was awful and i don't buy it because he did kiss me for hours the first few times we hung out. He had then said he's an awful person and he should just go which was annoying and he ended up getting his way but he almost was about to give me what i wanted but i talked too much i think about it.
    -there was some signs i think of growing feelings. He had said before when i first had him in my house and we started getting more physical that weren't going to do the baby, babe, etc thing when i started calling him baby and i went to go check the time on my phone and could have sworn i heard him say go check your phone babe so i think he's slipping on his rules. I think he's also just confused. a certain funny thing sexually happened and i was laughing after, it was so funny to me and i caught him he was just staring at me. Maybe he was angry and it was a power thing or maybe he was ..something else but i never seen him look at me for that long before. He was just watching me as i kept laughing and saying i'm sorry. I know he watches my expressions a little bit, i'll see his face change and his responses to things change based on my instant face expressions but this time he was just staring at me.I think I would have noticed if it was anger. Then, we brought up my crazy texts and i kissed him on the cheek and said yes but he accepts them because he cares about me or something like that and he said yes and that we all have crazy moments it was cute. I know in my heart of hearts he's a good person and has some care for me. I think he just has a lot of "masculine, machismo" conditioning from society and some other issues like from his ex, childhood, etc.
    -that he was off cocaine was a pleasant surprise. I pray for his health. Though only alcoholic him is different. More short fused. More masculine energized even and he's already very masculine energized.Possibly better groomed. Some other stuff too i won't get into, of a sexual nature. etc.
    -a ganesha mantra i've been using
    -my four leaf clover stone
    -new selfie for social media
    -getting a referral for a job
    -my friend saying i look a lot thinner and that i look expensive
    -when i'm in a giggly mood. it's nice and fun.
    -getting a lightbulb in the ceiling lamp and how much it boosted my mood that brighter, better light
    -having doordash credits to order cat food and food for myself tonight
    -having a health immune system
    -how beautiful my cats are
    -manifesting my desires
    -that somehow for some reason J thinks i'm really sexy and attractive
    -cleaning wipes
    -my new hair color
    -my older friend J
    -my friend R
    -my little humidifier
    -meeting new people
    Last edited by buttercup; 31st January 2024 at 12:34 PM.

  5. #1465


    -realizing that i don't think J was off cocaine actually, that he just has been messing with someone new and processing that he just is not that into me. At least not anymore. It hurts.That I have to let him go. But all the combination of things. And, even if i am wrong on some things which i'm sure i am, enough of what i am seeing is he's not that into me to be behaving how he is.
    -being able to reflect and see there was something to me on how i said something to him with how i asked a question and reflecting a little on what he said to me after chakra balancing my throat
    -processing my feeling in general about J that i do like him a lot, feel in love with him and that this is hard. i sent a long text telling him how i feel. I thought about how he lied about being a friend, so on and so on.Reflecting on why i liked and why i felt drawn to him. I told him during that week i was going to have sex with a neighbor who tried talking to me a month ago on the porch because it'd be nice to get you know what without the games. Then, a few days later even left a gift for him to give to to the girl who called him on snapchat(a red thread bracelet i considered giving him in december) and a bottle of sauvignon blanc to bring over to her and some random stuff like magnets and things i had laying around that are merch for him.
    -the neighbor being able to get ahold of him and him knocking on my door and exchanging numbers but unfortunately he is a total creep to which i ended up complaining to J saying i hope he's happy. Within 24 hrs this happens! Weird. It's like J has a super natural power. also this other thing.
    -a miracle happened. A total weight off my shoulders. something that just does not happen. my court dates were....stricken. prayer works. Now i have until the end of april for my right to cure to go through. This is wow. I went to open the email from my lawyer worried expecting something annoying and my mind was blown. I still have questions and court costs are a little higher than i thought but all that time and how much different my life will be by then, it's do-able. Wow. and, also could almost seem like J is trying to keep me here too. but especially that i tell him i'm going to have sex with another guy and within 24 hrs of having the number the guy says the weirdest stuff that you would just not expect and he seemed very normal and i feel like this happens a lot with J, like somehow i stay tied to him or things falter in his favor. I was just starting to think hmm maybe i could get into being ok with hanging out with this guy, move forward and he says the one thing that would be a dealbreaker and repulsive to me and that is just odd that isn't something a normal person would say and he had seemed so normal. It was practically supernatural.
    -kali mantras i've rediscovered and learning more about her and how much i resonate with her and how powerful her mantras make me feel
    -trying to hydrate myself more
    -ordering treats for my cats
    -how beautiful my cats are
    -the ganesha mantras ive been using as well
    -doing some more reading of the book i'm still on
    -going for a walk this morning
    -using my vitamin c face cream
    -my burberry sunglasses
    -M being nicer to me again
    -finally getting my time of the month
    -ordering myself a coffee maker to help me be healthier(drink less soda), and be more on a routine like i used to be(start my day with a cup of coffee) in a sunshine-y yellow color
    -my little amber stone i got recently. I like the color
    -taking an immunity wellness shot
    -reflecting on how i manifested things before
    -ordering a burger king impossible burger last night
    -my new hair color. even though it's kind of back to my natural hair color, it's actually a little lighter still which i kinda like, so it's still kind of different and interesting.
    -not having a late fee on my storage unit
    -feeling ready for fun, new experiences and to celebrate and grow
    -being glad J made it to the new year with me
    -cleaning the bathroom floor last night
    -cleaning the cat tunnel last night
    -paying attention to the unspoken and spiritual matters
    -feeling like i'm getting better at manifesting
    -trying to be productive
    -finishing my trainings
    -the weight off my back now with the court and housing stuff
    -remembering my roots and trying to go back to them
    -my femininity
    -trying to create a better life for myself
    -the people at nami helping through a difficult time lately
    -my stylish coat
    -nice things to think about
    -people that can be blunt with me when i need it
    Last edited by buttercup; 6th February 2024 at 08:06 PM.

  6. #1466


    -J tried to fix things with me. He suddenly called me and texted seemed very insistent, wanted to talk, said he didn't care that i didn't shower that i could shower after he didnt want to do anything and it seemed like he actually cared like my last texts before that actually got to him. He didn't talk about what i thought we'd talk about nor was it some romantic outpouring but that he seemed to really want to talk like that, that seemed like care. I think he cares. It might be the first time i seen that. And, i think i finally don't think he sees me as a whore and i got some clarity on other things so we somewhat amended and one thing is for sure we are growing closer. I feel it each time we see each other. It feels like cupid arrows being shot in us. Like, one day we were strangers i thought he was an idiot he probably thought oh, random girl let me try and get her number then it turned into attraction then later some feelings and i feel we are both growing on each other in different ways. in a friendship way, too. or like we are in a relationship. something is deepening, the way we talk to each other. We are starting to lose some of the early awkwardness. I think we are falling in love with each other. He may not be showing it at all, but i think we are starting to mutually realize something about our connection. He only started treated me worse since the new year started but, in a way i feel closer too, i am sensing slight having trouble saying certain things.
    -he also happened to contact me after he said he got clarity from doing mushrooms. i am not sure if he noticed the connect with that. seeing things like that
    -he contradicts himself too.he doesnt want to give affection but will say he misses me and then give nicknames, we are cuddling then he'll say we can't cuddle.
    -deciding i dont want to kiss him anymore. After how he's been i'm over it. Why would i want to kiss someone who doesn't want to kiss me?
    -getting a surprise flower delivery yesterday

  7. #1467


    -J tried to fix things with me. He suddenly called me and texted seemed very insistent, wanted to talk, said he didn't care that i didn't shower that i could shower after he didnt want to do anything and it seemed like he actually cared like my last texts before that actually got to him. He didn't talk about what i thought we'd talk about nor was it some romantic outpouring but that he seemed to really want to talk like that, that seemed like care. I think he cares. It might be the first time i seen that. And, i think i finally don't think he sees me as a whore and i got some clarity on other things so we somewhat amended and one thing is for sure we are growing closer. I feel it each time we see each other. It feels like cupid arrows being shot in us. Like, one day we were strangers i thought he was an idiot he probably thought oh, random girl let me try and get her number then it turned into attraction then later some feelings and i feel we are both growing on each other in different ways. in a friendship way, too. or like we are in a relationship. something is deepening, the way we talk to each other. We are starting to lose some of the early awkwardness. I think we are falling in love with each other. He may not be showing it at all, but i think we are starting to mutually realize something about our connection. He only started treated me worse since the new year started but, in a way i feel closer too, i am sensing slight having trouble saying certain things.
    -back to thinking J is off cocaine again
    -the beauty of flowers
    -realizing the power of humidity and dryness and how the dryness has really affected my skin making it look so bad but that i can reverse it and starting to get and stay consistent with hydration therapies like humidifier, drinking more water, etc. I'm now more convinced that humidity and moisture is more important than anything with anti-aging
    -getting a surprise flower delivery for valentines day
    -people who speak my vibe online
    -hugging and baby talking to my cats
    -clean clothes
    -getting responses from hud that seem like they will help my case a lot
    -how powerful my hindu mantras have been. my kali mantra's, ganesha, and kamadeva all showed results within a day or 2
    -chakra balancing
    -drinking water
    -touching up my hair color
    -signs he cares like asking what did i eat today and interrogating me for some reason about my upcoming job and i had no idea why it was so random i asked did he want to know the name of the person because i didn't know what he was trying to loo for and i was asking somewhat sarcastically and then it seemed like he was just wanting to know more about what was going on, from a protective place like making sure i was being safe and not going into something dangerous. I think he almost or was about to ask how did i get the job or something implying to make sure it wasn't like with some weirdo it was interesting maybe he heard what i do is dangerous and has some misguided ideas. i'd be offended that he doesn't understand i'm a professional and very experienced in what i do but was so thrown off by actual potential care it was interesting
    -ordering a bow hair tie
    -getting all these signs and clear knowing feeling i'm supposed to be with J
    -how cute and loving my cats are
    -looking at a pic from a recent job and realizing wow, i look a lot thinner almost my old weight and i didnt do anything in the last few weeks
    -red light therapy and how beneficial it is to my skin
    -manifesting my desires
    -increasing my power
    -selling my jacket off poshmark
    -new opportunities
    -my determination
    Last edited by buttercup; 15th February 2024 at 12:41 AM.

  8. #1468


    -ending things with J. He hurt me, it was the last straw. I don't know what happened but he said in a text he's not my baby and i told him don't talk to me anymore. he can't keep taking everything away, and being mean to me. This was after it seemed like he was checking on me earlier because i told him other neighbor texted me, and the day after i told i never wanted a relationship with him, and after a few times he tried to see me since the last time but it couldn't happen because of outside circumstances. And, i didn't answer my texts right away because i was asleep so maybe that, too contributed and i told him he was turning our connection platonic that day prior. I ended it, it was on my initiation, i couldn't do it anymore. Im glad i set my boundary again. I was crying and physically ill the next day about ill though.
    -that i tried to visit l cat before he passed and am mostly at peace with his passing and that it seemed like J i think tried to be there for me. He was the first one texting. It could have been for selfish reasons,i can't know for sure but he was the first who texted and he kept asking to see me.
    -moisturizing skin creams
    -cleaning wipes
    -how stylish my new bomber jacket is that i ordered last month inspired by the jacket J left at my house the first time i let him in
    -my new clover pillow i got in the mail
    -moments where i swear it seems like J cared for me, had something that seemed like love there for me and wasn't just a drunken, stoic, selfish jerk
    -my humidifier
    -wisdom i hear/learn from others
    -that i tried with my last job, even though it didn't go so great. I self sabotaged and ended up with half my hours from missing due to anxiety. I don't know what is wrong with me. At least i tried
    -learning new skills
    -my resourcefulness
    -kindness from others
    -my gratitude for the little things
    -hot guys
    -learning a new direction thing, the bus from one place to a train stop and taking it which felt nice that i accomplished that
    -craving healthier, cleaner foods
    -starting a vitamin e supplement
    -seeing the results of my hydration, glowy skin work and how impressive it was. still a lot more to go, but very happy so far and glad to see some reversing being done and the difference and that there's a term called "dehydration lines" vs wrinkles which is reassuring
    -face mists
    -getting some sunshine and getting rid of sun anxiety
    -my right to cure grant getting approved
    -manifesting my desires
    -drinking water
    -being smart
    -my knowledge
    -my sense of style
    -the other neighbor coming back into the picture when he did
    -almond milk
    -doing my hud interview and the interviewer being really friendly and helpful
    -my hindu god mantras
    -how funny my cats can be funny sometimes
    -watching a movie sometimes
    -new experiences
    -being a kind person
    -going to my storage unit and grabbing a table and some hangers out and putting a bag of stuff in
    -manifesting a $1000 outfit on my doorstep that doesn't fit me so i have no use for it but to sell it
    -compliments and people finding me attractive
    -cosmetic injectables
    -red light therapy
    -being aware of my desires, new desires which will bring me closer to peace and what i want next in my reality
    -drinking water
    -knowing what i want with some things
    -the power of writing things down
    -finding a new eyebrow threading place that knows what they're doing and doesn't make them too thin that is local in my area
    Last edited by buttercup; 1st March 2024 at 08:01 AM.

  9. #1469


    -ending things with J. It was the last straw

  10. #1470


    Things just suddenly got so crazy. I don't know what happened.
    -ordering and having a 2nd humidifier arrive since this dry skin issue is really a big issue and problematic
    -fixing my internet connection the other day
    -nami ubering me out there and hoke when I wasn't doing well and was planning on ending my life. They helped calibrate me for almost 24 hours at least.
    -my new bed I ordered arriving. It's bigger than I expected and takes up a lot of room. It's very comfortable and makes the vibe cozy but that it takes up so much room is another reminder I need out of here soon. How do the other tenants manage here in the studios?
    -my spiritual crises lighting a fire under me
    -my vitamin c moisturizer
    -clean laundry and getting laundry done last night
    -J coming back to me again. I still love him even though as recently as last night I was reflecting on how I feel like our connection is becoming more platonic and it's making me sad. Then this morning I suddenly felt a shift to loving feelings towards him and wanted to say loving things but didn't. He reached out 3 days ago with an excuse and we've been on and off talking since and he's been flirting and there's been some snapping then apologizing on my end. All this time, I feel like we've developed a connection as real people. Not just strangers. I feel like we feel more familiar to each other now and there's a little thicker of a bond, a little care there that grew from everything on his end. I've seen him change from day 1 to now. From an idiot, to a guy, to someone who ghosted me to a guy who really wanted me sexually to someone who had grew to have some care for me. From wanting to exchange numbers as neighbors to wanting romance to ghosting to reconciling to going crazy for me but wanting a mostly sexual connection to reconnecting and having some care as a human. I just don't think he sees me as only. I wish things had flowed more but I'm glad I still have him.
    -my wide leg pants coming. They make me feel very stylish
    -my sense of style
    -humor and laughing at things
    -random kindness from others
    -trying to be ok with V not talking to me since I was trying to cut her out first and it's actually mutual whyever she's stopped texting me
    -having a connection with J and when he texts me
    -finally getting my prescription for vyvanse. Just waiting on insurance details to have it finally in my hands
    -my creativity
    -trying to stay calm, positive, and determined
    -my accomplishments
    -cleaning wipes
    -baby wipes
    -knowing I create my reality and can win and switch things
    -finding things to be grateful for
    -my pink sculptural table
    -deciding to get off topamax and having a plan to and seeing how negative it's been
    -drinking water
    -pierogi for lunch
    -how cute my cats are
    -my femininity
    -being considered very attractive and high end
    -my child like side
    -being smart
    -being kind
    -the smell of rain
    -peaceful storms
    -m responding to me
    -my hud charge almost being sent to investigation
    -smell of cedarwood essential oil
    -how attractive J is
    -my food card being reloaded
    -my resourcefulness
    -asking for forgiveness
    -trying to be open to newness
    -my older friend J talking to me more
    -almond milks and trail milks seeming to make my eyes work better
    -trying to believe in a better reality
    -doing written affirmations the other day
    -four leaf clovers
    -self compassion
    -compassion for others
    -nice pictures of myself
    -being introduced to my older friend J in 2022 and having him
    -being introduced to J last year and having him
    -the photographer still wanting to shoot
    -new ideas
    -learning new things
    Last edited by buttercup; 10th March 2024 at 03:04 AM.

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