Well today was rough. I had some shadiness happen and just lot of a lot the money i was supposed to earn for March. The whole experience made me angry and reminded me why i hate the first career and line of work i ever went into and where a large stem of my issues with trust and self esteem even stem from. When this happened,it instantly shot at my self esteem and made me question myself. I hate that. As i calmed down a bit,I tried to trust all would be well,and sort of observed the experience.i came to realize,it was easy to see how i manifested this one.i was critical of the vibe i got at the training today. before,a coulpe thoughts would flash in my mind about what if they cut one of my days thinking is it too good to be true,and well a few days ago that happened. Then,in the evening I had a few thoughts along the lines of what if they didnt like me and randomly cut me. Sure enough,randomly as heck....that happens. I could go all over the place and put a bunch of concepts in my head such as could others affect my reality/what if it was intuitive hunch,etc,etc, or i could i keep it simple...i thought negatively. After feeling awful,and letting myself take a nap,i woke up and realized,i've just been lazy. I havent wanted to put in the effort of controlling my thoughts a bit. For a variety of reasons..fear of failure to feeling like it's not natural and trying too hard. Maybe i partly allowed this experience into my reality to plain as day see with ease how it was all my thoughts. And,now post nap,i realize it's a fear of failing to control my thoughts combined with wanting my reality to feel free and spontaneous that's made me lazy to control my thoughts. That 2nd part if a misunderstanding of the law of attraction,and the first part is just from traumas in my life. I feel,too though the more we believe in the loa,and even the true nature of reality,the more we SHOULD be able to let things roll off our backs. I've seen so many eerie loa manifestations of how i've changed my reality. I've actually started to have more success with intention manifesting by just easily/naturally giving space in my mind after setting an intention...doing that has given me a lot of easy manifestations and ease. My fear is literally just becoming someone who does a ton of loa processes again just to only intentionally manifest from time to time and to be trying too hard. Also,one of the first thoughts i had after this experience was that i want to go out somewhere in nature so i am going to plan that. So,as much as i'm upset by the loss of a lot of money,and hurt feelings,i am able to see the good in this. And,I did manage to get them to say they'll pay me for today and the tomorrow despite me not going tomorrow now so that's a little something,i suppose and im trying to trust life that maybe something even better for me is going to pop up on those days i was going to work. I think surrender in that sense and acceptance is so key to flow. I still think it's odd to let this roll off my back..but i feel by doing that it just aids in healing whatever inner traumas could lead to some negative manifestations plus there's nothing wrong with being a nonconformist and living differently..by trusting loa,we trust the magic in life,and the power in letting go and flowing. i just also feel like im growing as a person with this attitude and allowing into my life the space to allow more goodness into my life.
-being able to see the good in my experience today and how it manifested
-being told i'll still get paid for two days of work
-feeling petty good about myself almost in a bit of egotistical way at the meeting..i know part of that is "wrong," but am observing that the positive aspects of my confidence growing.
-growing as a person
-uber flat fare package
-unique beauty
-being easy on myself and letting myself just nap after upsetting thing earlier
-sweaters
-music
-la croix
-fashion
-grapeseed oil
-band aids
-how beautiful my city is at night
-vitamin e
-skyscrapers
-laughing at life,funny life moments
-coming to realize life is about trying to do a lot and be ambitious,but at the same time balancing that out with also being easy on yourself and slowing down at times,all the while practice being present and connected.
-getting a high end opportunitity in my email while at my meeting today
-T kitten
-last night,while going through pinterest,and adding pics to my project i wanted to start working on and how healing it was to just start working and that great confidence and creative surge it gave me.i remember last summer,having the thoughts that this is something very special,i should try and take pictures of them. sometimes,it is creativity and outlet of expression that really heals me.
-TV episodes online
-the internet
-short circuiting negative thoughts
-space
-alone time
-being able to see a recent experience in my life as another obvious connection to the loa..this stuff is spookily real.
-experiencing lots of little "glitches in the matrix" type things lately.
-emojis
-deep cleansing breaths
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