i've just experienced one of the worst days of my life,and am in the midst of one of the worst heartbreak of my life. i don't know how i'm going to get through this. i am so scared,humiliated,and in pain. yet,i'm here on this gratitude list.i may be deleting my profile on an loa forum i'm part of because i couldn't save the reason i joined and that hurts too much the reminder.
-i think best friend sent me energy before,and maybe after breaking the news of his betrayal. that must be some sign of a sliver of care.
-that best friend's family has welcomed me with open arms and promised me i'm going to get through this and i'm not alone,and that they're going to help me. it was kind of amazing.
-that now even if best friend has decided to do what he has done,i will be living with his parents and possibly be getting into the career he is in,which keeps us entwined
-that i can kind of wonder about the weird of the day that he broke the news. everything had went wrong. the ceiling bust in from a leak,i drove out of state with my mom so she could get cigarettes,it was pouring,everything was going wrong
-the cat and how beautiful he is
-all the hair products i got from my p.r the other day
-a nice one hour conversation with landlords husband today.i wanted to savor my last moment's of being here and during hiding tears i somehow just kept talking and talking with him,and it was nice. it was kind of motivating,just connecting. it was bittersweet,as this is the life i'm going to be leaving now and not by my choice and how i had wished me and best friend could be normal but and even go to one of the landlord's husbands shows,and just savored things more,but it was motivating being reminded of what i want,and how much i really love and am going to miss my neighborhood.i lived in this area for a few years now and had a lot of growth and development here.
-letting myself cry. it's been non-stop tears,yet mostly calm,too which is weird. maybe i'm still in shock or denial. maybe it's because i'm going to be so entwined in his life still by how things will come about now or maybe it's an inner knowing we will live together again or something or maybe he just sent me a ton of reiki for this moment,i have no idea. his phone call sounded so final. he had said his parents provided well for him and he knows they will do the same for me and that he knows i won't stay there long and will end up living my dream.i don't know how he could say that last part. it sounded so fake. how could he know that if he thinks i'm so dependent. his other last words will remain forever etched in my heart. I told him but i tried so hard. He said "you didn't try hard enough."
-getting a driving lesson in today
-having a little over a month left at my beautiful apartment
-social media
-emojis
-my eyeglasses
-best friends parents being very on my side through all this
-perspective that other's with similar qualities as me have gone through upheaval like i am going through and much worse and have gotten through it and blossomed,and i will,too
-reassurances from others that I will hear from him again and see him again and that this isn't forever
-that at least now i can focus on primary career,and that is one thing which will not be negatively affected from all this
-that i can also work out more now as another benefit
-knowing i have so much more going from me then R and that i will win this,and that i am going to blossom in so many amazing ways to only become even more better and that even with my weaknesses,i have so much going for me