oh man,what has happened. B and I haven't spoken today for the first time. he replied to my text saying i'm home and sleep well this morning just saying you,too and that it's not a peep all day and i felt a rift in energy as soon i awoke. all that i've given him and not a single how is your day going text...today has not been well. between the blizzard and not hearing from B all day after last night and the anxiety attack i had,on top of something happening to induce more anxiety in me,this hasn't been a well day at all. he also had a new bimbo facebook girl in his list today,too this morning.
-seeing B last night.it started with me feeling on and off emotional that day and the night before and i seen a dead baby bird in my path which i took as a good omen to mean end of negativity and new beginnings. part of me felt like I didn't want to see B because i felt so frustrated and distrusting and scared.but,i did. early on,we had an argument. i seen a pic in his texts and asked to see it multiple times before he showed me and it was a pic of him,his friend,and two girls. he was more in the back and not super next to the girl but still what is that? and,he doesn't even tell me about it,i see it in the phone and have to ask 5 times what is it and it's pretty suspicious his friend is texting him that. now,writing,this i feel even more upset about it,as i normalized it last night.it just seems like it is starting to be one thing after another. we ended up talking a lot and because i was mad,i brought up the label thing and he said he would do it right now and i said not right now,then he said playfully oh,not right now and we went for coffee and discussed the label and how and when we would do it with several options of now,in two weeks,or within the week and settled on next time we see each other and with him next to me. he explained he didn't see a difference between seeing me and a label and i explained the difference to me. we then walked around the city and talked more about deeper things for the first time like family and stuff and just a lot of deeper things in general of understanding each other. it was kind of nice. we got back to his place and right away he iniated sex. it was kind of quick and though kinda wasnt super in the mood but figured may as well. and, he couldn't perform. he couldn't get it up. he kept saying weird,awkward nervous things and just didn't know how to have sex. it was so awkward. i took it personal and kept saying will we be able to work this out and how can we move forward if we can't have sex and he'd say i hope so which i kept taking to mean it was my fault and he didn't know. it wasn't until hindsight,i realized he meant he hopes we'd be able to work it out because of his issues and he hoped i wouldn't leave him.i began asking questions to figure it out,and found out he's only had sex 3 times. the 3 people was one time each and he was under the influence of alcohol each time and we were both sober right now. we both wondered if last week we should've had sex since we both were buzzed and really into the mood with each other. not only that,but the last person he had sex with was someone he dated and they only had sex once and that was the last time they seen each other...which is not a good track record for him clearly. so,he's only had kisses and one time sex and one time dates and dating someone for a month-ish as his history basically. there could be no way he was faking this because he was extremely embarrassed by this and emphasized repeatedly he's never told anyone this and no one know this much about him to which i joked it gave us an obligatory closeness. i even tried to go down on him,which started to make him bigger after a little bit,which was hopeful and he was moaning and into it and i gave him a tip of how to guide me which he responded he hasn't these very often,to which i took to me,he may never had one before. quite odd,and kind of creepy.he admitted he's a different person when he's drunk and more confident and social ,which i seen myself from him. he has said none of his friends get much action. so,apparently they're all a bunch of nerds.i suggested maybe we could work up to sex and just do other things the next times we see each other like foreplay stuff and he seemed very into that idea and his face brightened up at that. he did seem like he wanted me to leave quickly and to go to sleep but i didn't leave right away. we held each other a little and kissed a little and i started to ponder did i even want him anymore. he had made cheap comments that evening saying starbucks was expensive,the cab was expensive and going to restaurants was expensive which irritated me.he couldn't perform sexually and was a big let down and on top of that wasn't seeming very trustworthy anymore.was i just becoming too desperate after all i've been through with guys? so,i knew i should leave soon and sat up and out loud starting listing some of the pros of moving forward with this and asked him what he likes about me and the pros. he said i'm attractive to which i said a lot of girls are. he then said i'm honest to which i said you actually like that(i'm blunt and random)then he said what he's shared with me/things he told me tonight(the uncomfortable things,which showed me something that he thinks after all that he feels closer now),and then out of nowwhere he had this habit of bringing up little things out of nowwhere that are perfect. i had made a joke half hour earlier about our mutual friend and him being impressed by that friend and me saying i don't see why and that i like that he doesn't find what i do impressive because a lot of guys do end up being user-y and i said he finds our friend more impressive then me or something like that and joked i'd tell our friend that he finds him impressive and well,when we talked about what we like about each other he out of nowwhere said shyly and humbly that he has told his friends what i do for a living when we first started talkign and that they said wow and got impressed and that he thought that was cool what i do for a living and he liked that.i also reflected about how things aren't perfect and was in a thinking out loud moment about how not all guys will be like J,all perfect and everything intense but that also tends to be short lived and so i said not everything has to be perfect to which he replied with perfect timing as if on the same page as me "nothing in life is." idk why but i like that and told him so and that it was perfect timing he said that. it seemed we agreed to still move forward. he even said when we talked at the end why he'd like the label too kind of joking about something and saying he'd like to see me more often when i said i was ok if we didn't but if he wanted to i would. our moods weren't lovey dovey by the time i left. but it felt like we were closer and as i left i almost walked off without kissing him,then turned around and he looked kind of stalled too like he was remembering that he kisses me before i leave. his face was that of a shy child's unsure what to do. so many things revealed. and,after seeing all that,there's no way he gets many girls or action so that made me feel like even more he should appreciate me i really have a lot of power here.i told him i think he can teach me a lot of things,and i can teach him a lot of things.i said a lot of flattering things to him,and was very genergous trying to help him.i did say one bitchy thing saying if i wanted another guy,it'd take me 2 seconds to find another one,and he said assuredly that he knew that. i started wondering about white lies not with his experience but with other things before bed. I felt for sure all was well though and then as i awoke,i felt a rift. Like,are we separated now? It made no sense. And,the timing is the worst. Ever since December 27th,we had never gone a day without speaking all day throughout the day,and now we had. I was so nice,and tried so hard to make it work and did nothin g wrong,so am quite heart broken by his behavior. All i can think is that he is holed up feeling embarrassed about what happened and can't let it go but is he really going to walk away because of that? Someone willing to work with him,and be his girlfriend? With all his lack of experience and trouble getting girls,it'd be so silly to do that. I am so hurt and have no idea what is in his head,just that i awoke feeling a sense of separation. We have so many random little things in common. Little things that are stupid,i seen he had coffee on his mouth earlier,then later on,seen i did,too. Or how he lovely green colors in his apartment and in some clothes he wears,and that's my favorite color or how he hardly ever has people in his apartment,and i'm the same way. Like,random little things. I appreciate that our issues started when mercury retrograde started because that means things aren't what they seem and are likely not truth so therefore all will be well. Just last week,he was so sexy and picking me up and spinning me around in front of his friends and now this week,he couldn't turn me on,and we couldn't have sex and just had a lot of offness that made me wonder do i even want him. No matter what,i want communication and to try and work through this.
-i appreciate that we agreed to the label,and that have a plan for it,and all the good that did happen
-my vibe lifting when i got home today after a anxious day from B not texting
-positive signs about B today
-beautiful photos of me and my perceptions clearing about them and new pics to post on facebook
-pretty things
-embracing the snow and blizzard a little and trying to enjoy it
-inspiration from best friend when he talked about how he visualizes and how his third eye chakra activates from it. and he doesn't even know about chakras,but telling me what it was,is how i determined it.healing energy from best friend
-best friend and business partner thinking B just sounds very inexperienced and embarrassed and that's why he hasn't texted me today because he feels very embarrassed by everything.
-getting to buy new tank tops
-colors
-my beauty
-ideas
-getting groceries
-roommate staying home tonight
-energy best friend sends me and how good he is at it,and how much it inspires me to get better at willing and intention manifesting
-coffee
-trying to stay positive
-my maturity
-smiling
-acknowledging my anxiety attack earlier
-my beauty
-knowing no matter what it'll be ok and to just go with the flow