1. #91


    what a weird last day or two. date with D went through after some strangeness from him and it went better too until the end when he made a joke about me paying the bill next time...ugh. such a turn off.i don't pay to date. so that killed it for me. it's hard to be a beautiful,successful woman. also had a guy from my past who took advantage of me text me.i hadn't heard from that person in years. so creepy.
    -mason jars
    -feeling and looking more attractive today
    -going to a trendy place i really wanted to go to and check out finally
    -how nice the place i went to was yesterday and how nice all the staff was
    -getting more instagram photo goals out of the way without even much effort
    -date with D going through. him holding my hand as we walked out of the place and then kissing me on the street before i went into cab and he left. it was very public and made me feel awkward actually even though i like pda but the kissing made me worry we were annoying people since we were right in front of things and i worried in people's way. all the eye contact D made with me and staring though it makes me very uncomfortable and i'm thinking it's part a power move. how take control he was walking and crouching down to the side of me before he went to the bathroom telling me he wanted to kiss him. that he again didn't try to get me to go home with him or make the slightest implication of it and just wanted me to kiss him and to hold my hand. it's extremely unusual for me. a innuedo moment between us that was like in a movie of one of those almost happened moments and tension where you look back and your like did that just almost happen and what was that, like in a sitcom such as who's the boss or romantic comedy it was this:we were talking about multi dating and i told him i had thought me and him had a connection and were building a connection and he got eager and his eyes lit up as he excitedly asked do i feel a connection with him.a few sentences later,i then say what if i was starting to feel this connection with you and it felt so good then boom you end up in a relationship with someone else and he said that's why you talk to me and you tell me these things and then we have a conversation and we make it official. so,that right there. were we about to enter a relationship right that moment ? looks like it in hindsight. i love how cinematic life can be. i like that he seems to think i'm cutesy. and that he has a paternal vibe,our involvement with each other,like i'm a child. it sometimes seems like he is training me and educating me. came up once about me saying i told friends about something and they agreed and he asked if i'm talking s--- about him and he looked at me intently and kept asking while i kinda drifted my eyes and didn't answer and how another moment him saying i hurt him alot and he explained one thing and stared at me trying to explain he was staring me down like i was child and how what i did was wrong and why and i kinda looked at him rounding my eyes innocent at him. he also kept noticing my body language and asking why i'm so closed off and trying to make me make eye contact with him and grabbing my face gently a few times to try and do so.i like how one moment he said i said the word multi like this girl in this popular movie and just him noticing a detail of me and associating it with something was cute,it sounds like something you do when you are in love or have deep feelings.i like that he took control and ordered for me and that he really wanted to hold my hand and how he put his hand out for me when we left to grab it and while in the place when we held hands he didn't want to let it go.i like how sexy his eyes are and how genuine his smile is when he smiles at me like he's really happy with me.i don't like that after all this time of me hinting at what i expect about chivalry,etc that he made a joke at the end about me picking up the tab next time and said how expensive the tab was when it wasn't and he ordered more then me.i hope it was a joke because his voice tone sounded like he was kidding and he stared at me while he said it like he was testing me.i think he did it because i didn't do a hand reach to at least offer but i don't do that because it feels fake.i just looked back confidently and said ok because i was caught off guard but i don't pay to date. he replied back saying he was surprised i said that and said he thought i'd say what next date. so,he was testing me in something. he also tested me in other things that night,too. showing me a picture on his phone of something personal and sexual that i know is testing me based on certain things. how much he knows about me that i didn't even tell him based on things he brings up and says he knows so he's been studying me,which is fine,i just wonder to what extent.i still feel there is something missing,too with this.i have no doubt in my mind he has studied the heck out of me and caters his responses and what he says to me based on that.i like that he says he thinking about going back to school next year but is that influenced at all by me saying i like ambitious or something hidden,him knowing something he shouldn't,i wonder? because,that would explain his mood swings this week,too. it's so hard to say.i am going to ask God to help bring to light things about D i should know that feel to be missing. if the tarot is accurate,it is revealing there is deceit going on and the deceit i suspect falls in the voyeurism category.i also didn't like that i suspect he found our server to be attractive. women can read energy and i know lots of attractive guys who can seem easily unphased by a pretty girl but with him although he didn't do anything,i just got a vibe. he's been minimal in texts to me since last night. since he made that joke about the tab,shortly after during when he we were talking about a connection and that moment he kept repeatedly asking when can he see me again and i said february,or march,or april maybe trying to say not anytime soon. that was my way of getting back at him for the joke about me picking up the tab next time.i did get a notification that was interesting on my phone though this morning that said he liked my check in on the social places app i have of where we were at. that was interesting because it's the first time he's done that and it was like he was saying i see your check in's on here and have been.i wasn't sure he even did so that confirms he has been. and that was what led us to first talk to each other was back last august when my phone bugged out and liked a bunch of his check-ins on accident, that is when he a month and half later started chatting me on serendipity. although,now i know even more we can't work and are incompatible,seeing he did that,i decided to follow him on twitter from my business's page since i lurk his twitter enough anyways and we both have crossed so many lines by now with each other and said things we shouldn't,i just don't care if it looks like too much on my part which i don't think it does
    -animals and how sweet and innocent they are
    -getting groceries today
    -getting some new makeup today. found some amazing cheap deals on new things to try
    -finding amazing indian food i can get from the grocery store and make at home. i'm in food heaven. indian food is my favorite ethnic cusine.
    -my outfit last night and how great i am with fashion and style
    -my curvy backside that i know makes men happy to check out
    -how younger my face is looking again and prettier,and that going slightly lighter on makeup is benefiting me
    -that i come off as high end even though i don't feel that way. it comes off without trying. D has said and done several things implying he feels inferior from staring at my purse like he assumes i must be rich because of it,to the things i do for fun,to other comments
    -nice places
    -filters and mobile photo editing apps
    -work things coming together
    -amazing interesting blogs that have many things i love combined into one!
    -everytime D hurts me or angers me,i feel inspired to do something constructive to better myself
    -that not a single person thinks D is good for me,and that business partner doesn't like him and she likes everyone i like so that's something. she said he reminds me or shady ex friends. i'm not happy people don't like him,i'm just happy im not crazy in what i think
    -finding out more about D such as him admitting he wasn't ready to date in october and he didn't even know he wasn't ready and he wasn't emotionally available. i like that he thinks that. though,sometimes it makes me wonder how he says exactly what i want to is he knowing that
    -good sleep last night
    -dim lighting which makes things cozier
    -with D being so weird before our date to the point that i wasnt sure if he was going to flake on me,i decided to text friends which felt good. just putting myself out there. it's made me more confident.
    -heart warming videos
    -taking breaks so i can be more productive when i do things
    -how tall i am
    -learning people and discovering them. it's an interesting thing. you have one idea of someone and then you learn then and unfold who they really are behind the image and facade they project. it's an interesting things really. i enjoy it.
    -getting more pea protein bought for me
    -feeling attractive today
    -how everything with D feels like it's happened before. how before me and him ever first chatted,i remember a compulsion to check his facebook sometimes and i never knew why.i thought it boredom and that he projected an image that drew attention but in fact,more likely,maybe he had a crush or obsession on me from afar and that social check in glitch made him feel confident enough to do something and maybe that's why he likes me so much,though i also know certain things mean nothing,because he adds people from his facebook to everything it seems and may even be a bit of a female collector slightly
    -learning more about what i do want from all this D mess
    -having things to look forward to
    -healing and wellness
    -subjective reality
    -all the yoga and meditating i will do tonight
    -feeling my feelings
    -my power
    -how reasonable best friend has been with me lately
    -being a woman
    -attractive guys
    -my confidence when i am confident
    -the opportunities and potential available to me
    -when guys are charming and nice and treat you right. the bad guys make me look back at the good guys more fondly
    -that one can always improve upon oneself
    -night skies
    -techno music
    -my sex appeal
    -being social

  2. #92


    -feeling new today
    -making decison before bed to just do it and ask A what i've been wanting for awhile now and just get it over with. it's no big deal. so upon waking,i delayed a bit and then started by asking how are you doing today. he replied about ten minutes ago but didn't read it yet. really want to be in the right frame of mind to ask since it's kind of a big thing,to me,to ask and i don't want to come off wrong
    -different cultures,countries and places
    -how fearless i've been feeling and the little risks i've been taking which is really healing me,i think
    -feeling detached and over D. still a little bummed that after the build up,it's a disappointment and won't work out but i can't date a cheap guy and i don't pay to date. even if he was testing me,there had to have been something not good coming from that. some eye f------- won't change that. funny how he's been distant ever since that,too
    -being up to the domestic challenge to come up with a tasty vegan dessert and how much fun i had with deciding what i'll do and how simple but decked out it'll be and coming up with alcohol,too. how creative i am and hedonistic yet still keeping it vegan
    -comfortable clothes
    -the new beauty products i bought to try out
    -feeling cozy,calm feelings
    -looking pretty today. i don't know what's changed lately in the last few days but my face looks beautiful
    -how flat my stomach is today and toned. very happy with that and confident
    -the amazing journaling session last night
    -finding my actual tarot deck so if im going to do tarot at all,it'll be real tarot and not online. i realized the online tarot was all fake and not accurate. should've known. lol .oh well.
    -going back to the cardio session i prefer from the week before the last starting today
    -how talented i am and my vision
    -keeping my head,heels and standards high.
    -feeling overall relaxed
    -attractive,sexy men
    -my 2nd job and how enjoyable it is to be part of trends and curate
    -feeling more alive again
    -knowing it's ok to break rules sometimes and doing so,breaking my own rules
    -sanity and knowing the difference between making efforts and breaking your own rules,and just being desperate and creepy
    -feminine energy and knowing the importance of cultivating it and surrendering to it,but also breaking out a bit and allowing the masculine to come out in small parts. appreciating the feminine. and appreciating the masculine.
    -me,my personality,my stories and interests,and who i am as a person
    -loving myself
    -beauty and makeup
    -fashion photography
    -keeping my innocence and that despite all i've been through keeping my dreamy side,and belief in the power of happiness
    -food and all the vegan options i come across more and more and the amazing meals i create
    -pleasurable thoughts
    -feeling feelings
    -that despite the shuffle going on this week with holidays making everyone weirder and more quiet,im working with what i have to try and get some work done

  3. #93


    moody and irritable today for some reason.
    -going tanning today
    -nicer weather today
    -the sun shining today
    -tibetan singing bowls music to slow my mind down
    -A said yes! of course he did. and he even seemed possibly trying to maybe innuedo something,maybe not but he said it sounds perfect and will be interesting. excited. wanted to do this for awhile. now,that it's done nervous about other things,though like where will it from here,etc,etc.
    -D texted me today. i'm whatever about him now,but also crabby and resentful too. when there's attachment you tend to hold onto things,and because of other things,part of me felt like texting him saying maybe we should have sex. he took awhile to respond,not super long and then said he is definitely attracted to me so then i said so you do not want to have sex with me then,and he took time to reply then said i would love to have sex with you"my name" i didn't respond much from there and he started saying things and then saying i said i want to make love with him but am afraid to be alone with him trying to urge me again with certain things. i've only grown crankier though and have sent a bitchy text about twenty minutes ago.i do not know why.
    -how even on a day where my stomach felt big from eating too much,when i looked in the mirror,it looked smaller still and not too bad
    -vegan male athletes
    -facial massage and yoga
    -how toned,tight,and smooth the side of my legs and thighs are
    -how much i've transformed from finding the right combination of vitamins for me and going higher protein. my nails are long and hard,and white,my teeth feel so hard and strong,my hair feels healthier.i must be pretty healthy,and it was never the purpose
    -men who are stylish and classy
    -romantic moments that flash in my mind,almost drug like,as i replay it in my mind repeatedly
    -how great my eyebrows look and how they've made my face look prettier,younger,and more feminine
    -things that are interesting,desires,and pleasurable thoughts
    -that i know and talk with higher end men then the average person
    -getting some work done today. felt so great to finish off a writing i was having trouble with last night
    -relaxing and going with the flow
    -beauty products
    -beauty services
    -reading the signs about D more and more clearly after some info came about,and piecing things together
    -business partner buying a website domain for us last night for our 2nd business venture together

  4. #94


    -the quiet
    -having a good day
    -vodka and having multiple shots. a little bit of alcohol can definitely be good for you
    -my style and taste
    -the abundance i feel
    -that i create my reality
    -that A said yes to me the other day. what an amazing thing to have checked off my list
    -mason jars
    -tanning beds
    -that my mom said i look darker today. she thought it was makeup. i'm glad its becoming noticeable my skin tone deepening and also how i got tanner then usual this last trip and how good it looks
    -all the vegan food options. vegan ice cream.vegan marshmallows
    -all the pics i took today and how nice they look
    -having people over and how nice that was
    -having my mom and brother try both vegan ice cream and vegan chicken
    -all the energy i have
    -techno music
    -instead of resisting and trying to do things,deciding to just kinda take a break somewhat until friday
    -all the things i have to look forward to
    -all the seeds planted in november and december
    -being cute
    -knee high socks
    -texts from D today. because i'm following what feels good and idk what i want and it's fun to text sometimes. sexy things he says that are ambiguous such as "i'm going to teach you every lesson."
    -that i create my reality
    -fantasies,dreams,and desires. my dreamy personality. my youth
    -getting some things picked up for me since a lot of stores will be closed tomorrow
    -the candy canes i bought last week with all the cool,unique,yummy flavors
    -being someone who likes to get glammed up
    -feeling more confident,and even slightly bossy about getting what i want
    -the industry i work in
    -amazing gift best friend is giving me for christmas that made my day
    -deciding to wait until january to start working on certain things since there's a lot im focused on right now and things are slower too with people being busy
    -being comfortable being alone
    -my tarot card deck because it's fun and i think makes me a more interesting person owning one
    -feeling good
    -my beauty
    -fitness and how much i enjoy it
    -my loving heart

  5. #95


    -a coca cola today
    -my little notebook to write notes down
    -techno music
    -being smart
    -being reasonable
    -feeling my feelings
    -a beautiful article that caused tears to pour
    -expressing myself
    -things to look forward to
    -after tuesday D and I having one of our what was that conversation with innuedo and hinting but not quite saying going on,D texting me all day and night yesterday and good spirits from us both. he kept sending me videos and pics at his family christmas things he was doing which is sweet but i dont know what it means so i said something about it later,and he said he is not even posting the pics online only sending them to me and his brothers. we were in good spirits and he was being flirty and i was too and we both were buzzed from alcohol. by the end of the night,i got a little emotional about an ex and was telling him things about it,and he brushed it off but said i can share if i must and he was talking about making love under the stars with me and camping and i said i don't do camping i'm a princess remember and he said he will take care of me and that it's good to get dirty. From there,it then went to him asking for a picture of me and saying i'm so beautiful and he is a visual person and he really just wants to see me as i am right now and he understands i don't want to but he would love it and cherish it if i did. i tried explaining myself again and then got upset. he started saying it's ok baby and mwah and calling me darling and telling me not to degrade him and to respect him back and that he likes me. I then told him he is sick. He said wtf no he is not he is healthy and i then told him i think we should end things here and i need to focus on good things and that later on down the line when feelings have passed and we've both moved on,we can talk again and best of luck to him and have a good christmas. He then sent 5 five text saying wtf is wrong with me and saying f--- you you aren't walking away from me via text after all we've shared and that he's going to see me next week and f--- me so hard i will fall in love with him and to knock it off "my name" and then said to tell him what i'm doing right now and then said why the hell am i being so mean to him and that he's nothing but sweet to me and attentive and understanding and that he's tooken me out twice and i just keep s------ all over him and to try and care about him for once because he cares about me.i didn't reply and in the morning he said well merry christmas then 45 minutes later "mwah." I havent texted him all day. I am just not sure about him and feel as long as i talk to him i wonder ifi i block something i can be sure of from coming to me. there's so many things about him that sound good,but then i just can't feel it. Is it really just the little things that kill it for me? Such as him joking i pay next time and that slightly off feeling i get about him and the beard,etc? Maybe. Because,if he never made that joke,id feel much closer towards him but it's hard to feel close to a miser. i appreciate staying strong and not texting him today though i feel like i'm being evil and trying to get him to chase me and like i'm just looking for drama. when he says things like he took me out,and he'd take care of me,etc,it makes me think more that paying next time thing was a joke.
    -my stomach looking nice and flat and toned and strong today
    -getting something work-wise done because even if it's a holiday,it just makes me feel better.
    -cute things
    -a more open and abundant mindset lately
    -nice things
    -all the things life has to offer and explore
    -the sun shining today
    -finding a lot of new things that work for me this year to transform me and make me better
    -goals,desires,and ideas
    -looking forward to the future

  6. #96


    feeling sick. had really bad fight with D and he judged me for things about my past. first time i felt judged by him.
    -i appreciate that after going all christmas day not texting d or responding to him,in the middle of the night,something came to me,and i laid it all out for him and told him everything i hate about him. it was long texts and a lot.i then had very erotic thoughts about him for some reason before bed. i then also had dreams about two different guys from my past. a pleasant dream with A,that may have been an innocent but sexual dream,and a dream with J where we were just chatting or arguing or something.i felt fear even checking my phone after all the texts isent D. He replied very early at around 7 am and i didn't read them until 7 pm. He simply called me an a-----basically and said merry f----- christmas indeed then proceeded to send me 4 pics within the next few hours before noon after that.i got pissed off about that told him never to speak to me again and like a nutcase he asked or said saying why,he wants to see me again. and saying i was an a----- for how i was.i told him i had very erotic thoughts about him for some reason before bed and then he took a bit to respond and changed his tone and started calling me baby and saying i'm beautiful and brilliant so i told him to be real with me and kept badgering him telling i know about the brunette and he kept saying what brunette and asking me to give him a name so i can dispel my suspicions and kept saying baby and asking what's going on with me and that i'm the only brunette he is trying to have sex with and then i told him personal things about my past and he jumped and basically attacked me and made me feel awful and crazy. even acting like he wasnt going to talk to me anymore. the more fights we have,the harsher he has been getting with how he talks to me and the things he says.i felt very emotional being so judged. he knew it,too. he said he only did it out of anger for me calling him so many names but that was such a personal thing. he then said he wants to see me still. he knew i was laying down and crying and feeling very depressed and then asked what am i wearing.i started saying again after me saying more emotional things that i don't understand why he judged me and that my life has been s---- havent heard from since,it's been an hour now. he accuses me of having mistrust because of things i've been through and claims he doesn't lie but he is full of it. a part of me had hoped for better,that maybe telling him all i disliked would bring us closer. he has said he misses me and still likes me even after all this during our fight tonight.i can see how i was too harsh by not talking all christmas to him. it's obvious that really upset him. but,why the hell is he asking me what am i wearing when i tell him i'm laying on the couch in tears. unless he thinks it'll change the subject and make me feel better somehow.i feel physically weak and have a headache. and like he manipulated me so i seem crazy because of my past so i cant accuse him of things. i'm grateful i said what i wanted to say last night,and that i realize the ignoring him and ending it on christmas thing really affected him.i was tempted to delete him off my facebook again tonight but don't want to be immature or regret it later.
    -that i sent A the ideas
    -the sun shining and unseasonally warm weather today
    -muffin for breakfast
    -boosting my mood little by little and coming back to myself
    -a pepsi today. bad mood equals i've gone for the bad food.
    -the christmas gift i got which is more money then i expected
    -that upcoming business trip is in order and in stages of really happening.i haven't traveled at all in 2014 and it is really due and will be really healing.i needed a trip after my loved one passed on but couldn't go anywhere. after painful things,i love to take a trip and the most painful thing,i didn't go anywhere so this will be the first trip since she passed on.i also haven't gone to this place for business since a few years now so it'll be kind of huge to go back again. i've changed so much and it's always been really great for my career so it's a great business sign and will be interesting. i'm glad i can shine this year since that seems to be a theme of the coming year
    -hot tea
    -hot tea in combination with vegan ice cream and muffin. love interesting food combos that are very sensory.
    -how great my abs are looking
    -ab exercises
    -getting some work done today
    -peaceful sounds of the night time
    -the releasing feeling of crying that is needed sometimes
    -my load of things to get done feeling a little lightened
    -just .now realizing d asked several times in some way if i meant what i said either by me saying i did or him asking on his own maybe i was a little too harsh.
    -feeling new and forward moving lately
    -mind slowing tibetan bowls music
    -my craziness
    -seeing articles about the allure of crazy girls just because it makes me feel better about myself

  7. #97
    Join Date
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    A wonderful holiday with my family.
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    "Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal" Dr. Wayne Dyer.

  8. #98


    what a conundrum i'm in. feels like a turning point for me,but maybe it's not.realizing today it's the 3 month mark with D of talking made me realize how i don't usually get past that with guys,so maybe D and I are really over. I was so mad at him for being distant with me yesterday just sending me a pic and saying he'd rather talk in person and then i seen something that made me get jealous and wonder things again and after telling friend,they thought was he maybe trying to get a reaction out of me because of how i was the past two days and get action,like taking the gloves off,fighting back. so i deleted him off facebook.i then was feeling so depressed and didn't want to go to my plans that i told D thanks a lot for that but then i did end up going. I kissed a guy and told him. I had sent pics of being out and about,too(not of me of course or of anyone but just of the bus) and texted all up until 5 am about random things but his last text to me was at around after i told him i kissed someone and how i wanted him and he hurt me and judged me. he just said i have wanted you this whole whole time.i dont even know if ill hear from him again now or if he thinks im a hypocrite or what,but a person can only put up with so much.i can see i did a lot wrong,too throughout all of this and just don't know how to solve it. why would anyone stick around after all this.

    -italian ice after a night of drinking
    -food and how good it tastes after drinking and how intense my tastebuds are from a vegan diet.
    -soda after a night of drinking to help hangover
    -this whole night making me realize D is what iwant
    -going to a cool club i've never been to. the cool concept of the venue and free drink with coat check
    -doing cool things i havent much experience with or no experience with such as taking a decked out party bus
    -feeling prettier last night and getting more compliments then usual and looks then i feel i've gotten in recent times of going out socially
    -my resourcefulness with styling
    -that my friend E encouraged me to come out after saying i wouldn't even though E actually did end up offending me later and seemed more distant towards me then he's ever been.
    -girl i thought i didn't like but didn't know well eyeing me a lot at party and complimenting me a lot and seeming to want to talk to me actually being pretty cool and reminding me a lot of me and being less intimidating then i thought
    -the weight i lost and am losing
    -my best friend
    -E actually wanting to take a picture with me which he never has not since our early days of hanging out but i think that's because i think he knew i'm very picky about pics and being online tagged in pics and i actually was taking pics with him earlier that night so he knew it'd be ok
    -taking pics
    -getting over insecurities and being confident and facing fears that make me a better person
    -that i must be more surrendered to my feminine energy because men are seeming more masculine too though masculine energy can be kind of scary at times. it is interesting to see interactions with people and how they change and how energy changes as well as people change and your knowing of them changes
    -how long my hair is
    -the nice guy who kept the guy who i kissed but then wouldnt leave me alone away from me
    -checking things off my list i wanted to do/have to do and my load lightening little by little now


  9. #99


    D and i "broke up." Pretty upset about it. It all started this morning,he seemed friendly enough despite everything and then was distant and weird saying things just like "ok" after i explained things to him and tried to communicate with him saying i feel i make him put up with too much. Then he said he doesn't own me and i could do what i want. From there,i seen something on his twitter and flipped out connecting things from a previous fight and accused him of using what we talked about against me and lying to me. He accused me of being a madwoman and insane and said i'd have to wait because he's at work and cant text constantly. he kept denying he lies when i tried pointing things out. he then said "i'm tired of all this texting bull----. I think it's best we no longer speak. I'm sorry it didn't work out. It could've been good." he kept saying i'm nuts and when i brought up the twitter thing he said the girl doesn't live in chicago and he hasnt dated her and the thing has nothing to do with her. he then said stop talking to him then if he disgusts me so then i said okay,bye. and we haven't talked since.i feel awful and attachment feelings and hate that it had to end like this,on such an ugly note and right at the 3 month mark. i've been replaying our moments in my head together we've had. i know there's nothing i can do but give it space. after our previous fights,i then kiss another guy,tell him about it,then go psycho on him about something again. i seem mean and psycho and i can't even deny that and i hate how i come off.but with that,i appreciate:
    -that i can see the spiritual soul reasons for D a little.i feel i possibly come off as a magnified version of his ex,how she accused him of so called crazy things then left him. maybe,im meant to be his chance to face that stuff in someone else and do it differently. likewise,the things he pulls out of me,are helping me too. normally,i don't communicate at all with guys,i just flip out privately about things then drop them but i am telling him soo much which is very uncomfortable and vulnerable but some of it,at least,is helping me to become surrendered and rational to things. it's definitely been helpful to see what it's like to communicate versus freak out privately. I admitted a twitter thing caused me to spaz out today. That is very,very uncomfortable and awkward but i did that,i admitted it. That's something for me. I definitely feel i've been able to work through some of my issues through D,obviously far from all,considering how much ugly there is and fights but there IS some learning going on and positive. And,i just know,it's the other way around for him,too. I don't regret telling him the twitter thing,even if we didn't work it out after. I still feel like we'll end up talking again for some reason. I don't know why,i just do. I thought about when things ended with other guys and it always was they completely ignored me or me them or me dropping them and never communicating why and i can't picture D ignoring me or me ignoring him and he knows why and i know why were upseet with each other. So,that alone is something.I believe we both need space.
    -after being annoyed by guy last night for following me around and being kind of rude to me,i realized,i do kind of like him actually,he is attractive and seems nice and we talked on and off today and he asked me out. I'll call him B. Best friend says he looks more like my type then D.i only wish my radar wasn't so blurred so i could appreciate it more. but,that's a lesson,too. it reminds me when D first asked me out but would go on and off and seemed to be missing his ex,it was like he just couldn't even see me fully and that's definitely how i feel about B. So,it's nice to experience that side of it,right now. it also helps to see how it's definitely not personal when that happens.
    -that i can be more forgiving of others and strong and detached
    -that my looks are improving.i got a lot more positive attention at E's party then i have in awhile at a social thing
    -finally getting some sleep. if only I had slept would D and I have had that fight,or if i skipped E's party? Lack of sleep,then not eating all day,and being hungover is not good for thinking clearly or handling things well. I feel human now and more seeing things normal now that i've slept.
    -having a nice meal. made my favorite food of chick peas curry with wheat bread roll and vegan chicken strips. so good. and helped me feel more normal and healed too
    -people to talk to today on and off about D stuff going on. having that support was nice.
    -a new instagram pic with B and a girl from the party. my first social pic on instagram too.i thought i looked nice and B is really attractive and photogenic so it ended up being my favorite pic from the night. since there's another girl in the pic,too i didn't feel bad posting it.
    -water. drinking a lot and it's helping me
    -new facebook friends from people i met socially that added me and i added
    -new possibilities
    -that business trip is in full planning mode.
    -how nice and slimmed out,i looked in old jeans i wore today. they only fit slightly looser,but they hang better and it makes me so much more confident
    -how tight my body is
    -that my skin is a little darker now from all the tanning i've been doing. it's subtle but different
    -getting new yoga pants today
    -shopping bill being lower then usual today
    -my hair
    -my face
    -all the compliments i receive
    -delicious looking things
    -that the weekend is over
    -to be wanted. somehow,i keep being wanted even when i'm mean and difficult. maybe,i should feel flattered.
    -that more people seemed to take me seriously and my work last night,too bringing it up on their own in a subtle but flattering way
    -getting strong
    -a new tea to try that sounds interesting that i bought
    -that best friend thinks D is different and we'll probably still work it out and that it seemed like to him he still was trying to hold onto the conversation

  10. #100


    -after waiting over 24 hours,and having had planned to wait three days to give D space for all i've done,i caved and texted him asking him if i can add him back on facebook. no response and it's been over an hour. tarot says he will respond though.i did it because someone else keeps asking me out,and i'd if nothing else,like to keep the peace with D,i don't want to let him go.
    -another guy asking m out. it's nice and flattering,and normally very much my type,and someone i'd be very interested in. it probably helps someone likes me,but still i'd rather D,whatever that means
    -nourishing food
    -getting my perspectives together and clarity about things with D
    -morrocan mint tea
    -getting a little work done despite how i feel
    -essential oils especially one of my favorites,cedarwood oil. i love the grounding woodsy oils.
    -deciding to hell with waiting,D could have another woman distracting him and keeping him from not responding to me,so i will make plans with B
    -sweet mountain dew soda
    -looking so thin

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