GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

-deciding to snack tonight and not care since i have to stay up all night and to use it to keep me going, buying jalapeno cheetos, ordering dominos etc
-drinking water
-taking care of my skin
-eating a lot less food lately
-finding out i am a new donor at the other place i was donating at
-deciding i really have to let go of knowing what happened with neighbor guy i liked because there is just nothing happening. he ghosted me suddenly. there was some stuff i did, he was giving some signs of being a certain way possibly and there may be another girl and i can't tell if she came right at the same time as me, right after, or was around the whole time. I just know i felt something real, he was nice to me then he completely disappeared and even my desire to "poke the bear" though safely so gets no response. its like he may have blocked me, but i feel like he may not have, and he still follows me on ig, and i think he monitors his following a little not that i think that means a lot but the whole thing is a little weird, but mostly just unfair, because clearly it's something where he just doesn't want to bother saying anything to me which is hurtful and i think that's either spite or trouble communicating. and, it hurts because it makes me think he wasn't that interested and he didn't like me as much as i thought and why do other guys like me so much then someone like him not that interested, even though he did seem very interested at one point. i hardly knew him and it wasn't fair he just ghosted me since we were talking like acquaintances and neighbors for awhile before we hung out
-my clean, cozy blanket
-that after today's court i can start sleeping normally again
-my new brown duster sweater cardigan
-getting some things done tonight and with the next few hours i have this morning before court
-seeing M's husband the other day and how great that felt. It uplifted my mood. He dropped off some painkillers and there was no awkwardness or negative vibes and we talked about the feral cats or about 20-30 minutes
-my face slimming out
-my body slimming out
-my clothes fitting looser
-how great it felt to have a normal moment with M's husband dropping by, just knowing he was there again, it felt so in the flow like everything will be ok i just have to go with the flow.
-showering today
-being told i was young the other day
-being told i was beautiful the other day
-being told i "they've been waiting for that" referring to kissing me by someone all these 3 comments by different people
-watching movies and how comforting that can be
-my angel friend J the author cash-apping me $50 over the weekend
-how receptive B cat is to me
-being told i have a feminine voice by someone, or very feminine voice or something like that
-being a pretty girl
-my face starting to look more and more attractive again
-my lips looking really nice
-having really nice eyes
-having nice cheekbones
-good lighting
-newness
-having great style
-botox
-taking my omegas vitamins
-being smart
-my new journal
-doing written affirmations
-getting the cat tunnel playpen for my cat's so we can go outside without them jumping too far or risky
-cleaning wipes
-taking notes
-my femininity
-taking care of my spirit
-my beauty
-my maturity
-ideas
-flavors of fall season
-learning
-powerades
-remembering my roots again
-becoming more attractive
-hair ties
-calmness
-healing
-feeling like little by little my life will return to normal
-remembering flow of life, and trying to go with it
-being a thoughtful person
-new experiences

[buttercup]

-working today my first job for an agency very similar to the one who unfairly let me go by forcing me to "take a break" but then never letting me come back but this one pays better and having it go mostly well and breaking my dry spell of work again
-doing my red light therapy wand this morning
-drinking more water
-powerades
-my eyes looking healthier
-doing more journaling,writing exercises lately
-taking better care of my hygiene then last year
-p cat eating the cat grass i got him
-updating my style aesthetic
-my hair being more hydrated from changing the shampoo i use
-my injector offering me a discount for when im ready to get tear trough filler
-makeup
-looking so much younger than my age
-washing my winter coat
-getting my new donor process done at the place i used to go to so i can start going there again
-b cat wanting to cuddle with me earlier today on my lap and how nice that felt
-moisturizers
-looking a little skinnier than i used to
-listening to some new youtube audio/podcast things lately for brain food and learning that i've enjoyed and gotten good info from
-how beautiful my city is at night
-visualizing and imagining and daydreaming my new apartment the other night and how nice it felt, to also feel a little direction too towards it
-the colorful cat toys in the house and how funny and cute they are, they make me smile and laugh
-that i'm starting to sell more, get better at selling on poshmark than i used to
-manifesting a text from neighbor boy J after getting upset processing my feelings after court thinking about the kind of person i think he is then falling asleep and waking up to a strange text from him.i am over him. it really upset me how he was to me and that it made me question myself so much that how could someone seem so into me then seem completely not. It made me think lots of things that made me not like him
-deciding to use ambition and goals as my fuel as "revenge against the world" sort of mantra
-the neck botox i got and how much it improved my appearance and confidence
-having great style
-watching movies
-new ideas
-staying very eyes on the prize and focused
-talking with people and hearing their story
-music
-my maturity
-being put in the erp program in court, and not having another court date until next month
-reflection on things, seeing how things change and progress and so on
-having goals and things to strive for
-my humidifier arriving and i think making a difference in the air, my sinuses and skin
-having a nurturing heart
-joining credit repair programs in my determination to have good credit again
-great deals
-prayer
-cuteness
-being a kind person
-being smart
-being resourceful
-being productive
-this beautiful black cat and four leaf clover card i bought off etsy i got for my dad's birthday
-sending my dad my favorite book on serendipity for his birthday since he's been lowkey interested in the topic for years and i think he'd like it
-laughing because sometimes life is so insane it's funny
-marion helping me
-compassion
-hope
-the new brown duster sweater i got
-having a young voice

[buttercup]

-doing some creative writing and being in a bit of a poetic mood the last few days
-losing another pound, so being down the most i've been in 2 years now, 19 pounds down.
-standing up for myself
-being able to take care of myself
-powerades
-working some jobs this month
-my humidifier helping my nose bleeds go away and my skin get more hydrated and stop peeling, and allergies calm down
-hanging out with A
-realizing A and I did have a connection all this time that was kind of beautiful and remembering our first time meeting and all that
-really nice things A said when we had a fight and i told him it wasnt going to work because of several things, including my weight, the things he said about me self sabotaging etc
-processing A flaking on me a few days after our fight and letting him go, grieving it and forgiving him
-deciding to text A a get out of jail free card just to know nothing was wrong and to go back to normal telling him i didn't need an explanation and let's just go back to normal and he texted me right away and tried calling(i was on the other line)and he gave me what i asked for. Talking normal. A b.s excuse for flaking and acting like we were a few months ago.
-hud calling me back after praying a lot the other night
-prayer
-sedatives
-the pharmacy calling me today to switch my medicine in a format i can take
-neighbor boy i liked randomly texting me a few days after i hung out with A apologizing several times and wanting to see me
-compliments
-that people like my lips
-having a nice looking new work selfie i like
-makeup
-doing liquor work again which i like
-deepening my empathy and patience with P cat
-getting a new lamp to alter the lighting a little in my living room for my mood
-after my mediation turned out to be awful and not at all what i thought, finding out i was pre-approved for rental assistance back in august and just overlooked it
-my ex S contacting me the other day
-colors
-ordering chakra tea for the crown and trying it out the other day
-night skies
-sunshine
-propranol which helps me calm down
-being resourceful
-my allergies being better
-working consistently
-that S can provide me with a lease for the rental assistance since he is a landlord
-becoming open to letting more help in despite my pride such as S with bringing my stuff to storage possibly next week
-my ambition increasing a little
-moisturizers
-being in a new style and beauty aesthetic and over the blonde and other things i was doing
-buying my hyaluronic lip booster that i love finally
-staying somewhat calm and strong amidst the storm i'm in with the eviction and moving stuff going on and counting on prayer and being open to help from different places
-chivalry
-that i eat less calories these days
-paying my comed bill again this month, a small thing that is just another sign and showing of me rebuilding and really trying
-trying to raise my vibration and thinking differently
-trying to organize myself and what i have to do mentally
-packing a bag of stuff to go to storage
-clorox wipes
-utilizing the vacuum a few times recently and how great it was
-being friendly
-picking my battles
-my wisdom
-music
-blankets
-my savage side and my family history that gives me some savage blood
-my winter coat and how chic it is
-having great fashion sense
-looking young
-guys complimenting my lips a lot these days
-innovative options to stay looking young
-being really close to ready to do something with first career
-motivating myself and staying determined
-my beauty
-doing some more reading today of my book on hsp's
-having a loving heart
-becoming more into my feminine energy this year
-learning
-new goals
-evolving as a person
-newness
-my older friend J who's really been an angel this year

[buttercup]

-prayer
-that A from lcbh got me a lawyer so now i no longer have to go to court which is such a relief. It's one of the things i was hating the most. And it now frees up my energy to focus on getting out of here and getting my grant.
-A seeming really happy for me today, and even using words like "my babe" towards me and mwuahz which was cute and interesting and a little bit of a shift from the last few days now
-how cute it is when my cats go in their tunnel toys
-music
-my beauty
-looking like a model
-the compliments i get
-my gray winter coat and how sophisticated and chic it is
-cardigans
-leaving the house yesterday and the sun was out and getting a serotonin boost from it which brought me an insane amount of clarity and feeling of everything is going to be fine, it's do-able and not a misery catastrophe
-having nice lips
-taking the train home from the courthouse today and finding it which made me feel like an adult that is competent
-buying myself 2 monster cookies that M used to get me when i seen a corner bakery across the street from the courthouse for sake of recreating joy and memory
-my cica sleepmask
-my warm feelings for A
-working yesterday
-the people who provide free legal help. It's such a great service they are doing and seeing that little desk there besides the organization that's been helping me was really great
-getting in miles today that was a nice walk, which was nice. I haven't been walking much with all the stress and so i really appreciated that
-the cocoa butter body moisturizer i use which is really good
-makeup
-my eyes looking less puffy the other day at work
-having goals
-hanging out with A making realize i'm ready to go back to my creative pursuits
-viewing an apartment today which means i'm closer to getting an apartment than i was last spring
-getting a little more comfortable wearing a little less clothing, such as clothes that are fitted without super covering up
-seeing my body looking a little more trim in clothes
-getting a call back from ebt card about not redetermining in time and getting it reloading and attempting to call back to reach a person. Hearing on the automated line that it's processing at least, my late redetermination.
-calling to ask questions about bankruptcy today
-deciding my new hair color i'm transitioning to, which will be very coppery, ditching any blonde left in my hair and almost even having orange to it
-reflecting on more of what i want my glo up to entail and what it needs
-my hyaluronic acid lip booster
-eyebrow makeup that thickens and darkens eyebrows
-new ideas
-entertainment
-humor
-funny videos
-clean socks
-cleaning the kitchen floor yesterday
-all the free alcohol i've been getting
-making more money this month than i will last month
-sunshine
-doing a toning/strength training workout at home. A treat to myself to do something normal that i havent been able to do because i've been so busy with all the stressful stuff
-models
-fashion
-M giving me money to uber to the courthouse
-my therapy session over the phone the other day, i think it helped
-that my psychiatrist is considering putting me on adderall/vyvanse
-blankets
-sleep when i can get it
-exploring my sensuality a bit to give S the erotic picture of me he wanted. It was very difficult, and I was kind of upset in the way that i didn't want to talk to him after but he was very happy with the pictures and it was good to see myself in new ways
-opening myself up to new ideas
-my humidifier
-applying to a bunch of apartments to tour tonight
-watching a few movies a couple times this last week
-dental floss
-staying calm as i can with all the crazy
-that i can donate plasma today
-that i get paid this week,i believe
-ibuprofen
-baby aspirin
-sedatives
-really getting more into my feminine energy this year
-listening to gamma brain waves and remembering how beneficial those are
-listening to crown chakra music last night and root chakra
-colors
-beauty
-how beautiful my cats are
-the help that's been coming to me
-allowing myself to become new and to rebuild
-protein bars
-having a kind heart
-having had some wild and interesting life experiences
-connecting with others
-taking things one day at a time
-being resourceful
-my cats making me laugh at how cute, funny, and innocent they are.

[buttercup]

-baby wipes
-vacuuming and the vacuum
-having plenty of cat food in the house, and that p cat likes
-my new hair color, and the hair color era i'm in
-cleaning wipes
-getting my eyebrows threaded today
-realizing what caused my weight gain of 3 lbs, that i had gotten my period again after 5 days and also taking only half the weight loss med again for a few days
-doing a toning workout yesterday and being really sore from it today
-getting a sign that maybe A does still have interest in me yesterday. He asked what i was doing tommorow. I gave a response that might've sounded like a blow off or non interested and then today after i texted him again he said something that sounded like he was covering himself from when he flaked on me that weekend, or holding onto it. Or, i'm giving him mixed signals when i'm just trying to be myself and be friendly. it did seem like there was an energy shift. He seemed really happy for me the other day then i didn't text him for 3 or 4 days because i was busy and when i did he asked what i was doing tomorrow and seemed really same vibe happy then today like he was trying to cover why he flaked on me that weekend down to the timing.
-earning income again
-charcuterie boards
-my winter coat and how stylish it makes me look
-getting a coffee today because it felt good to do so, and noticing what a mood boost it was, it was like the equivalent of a happy pill
-feeling more attractive lately and getting more attention from the opposite sex
-fashion
-makeup
-my beauty
-sleep
-amping up my finessing skills
-getting a screenshot showing i have good credit
-blankets
-how sweet my cats are
-the love in my heart
-deep reflection
-prayer
-watching a movie
-art
-romance
-my first career
-my cool experiences i've had
-my cool stories i have to tell
-the cool and interesting people i've met and know
-cuteness
-how smart my cats are
-learning
-rebuilding my life little by little
-working on getting a refund tonight
-drinking a little wine with my charcuterie i ordered
-trying new things
-newness
-the breeze from having a window open
-desire
-hope
-my femininity
-propranol when i'm able to take it, which isn't often. it's very relaxing.
-being a kind person.
-being considerate
-getting a lint brush at the store the other day
-clean socks
-my lip sleeping mask
-taking better care of myself than i was 6 months ago
-doing written affirmations last night
-colors
-learning more about myself
-hair ties
-looking like a model
-ordering a four leaf clover crystal for much needed luck
-being wanted
-ordering an allergan gift card
-putting aside $50 in savings and using the expedited feature

[buttercup]

-A and I being back with each other, talking like we were with each other again. My intuitions seemed to have been right, and after giving just a little bit of space and being myself, we somehow came back to each other like we never left including an acknowledgement of it during one of our arguments since. Some of the same past issues still have come up including him rescheduling and canceling and me doing the same, and some arguments and me doing something that made me feel like the devil which he forgave me for which i thought was really mature and he really does seem to remember just about everything since we met having paid attention to me and has said directly several times he wants a long term relationship with me and has basically made a reservation on me so i'm going to give this a chance still despite how frustrated it's been and my uncertainties of compatibility,etc
-ordering food today that's like thanksgiving food such as potatoes, carrots, etc
-somehow manifesting the neighbor J back in the picture after a bad night when my friend said things that made me feel awful, A canceled on me because of an argument, etc. He randomly called me, and I randomly picked up which i usually don't do to people i don't know well and when i'm not expecting it. Then, I randomly decided to meet up with him, despite it being last minute and looking awful and not having makeup on and not even caring, and despite how we last left things, then let him in my kitchen despite how my place is and that rule i have for this place, and we hung out, i got really drunk, i ended up letting him in my place, the rest of it and we were very physical, he wasn't dangerous at all. It was just very embarrassing i let him see how disgusting my place is. We passed out next to each other, and i woke up with him next to me. There was some things i was annoyed about. But, he got in my place and my ex and A did not and will not. There's something there. He has a niceness to him i like and a brokenness i feel we share. That night is something i feel i'll remember, it was something kind of forbidden, like the kind that felt like the feeling of 2 people sneaking about, and the exiting and entering.
-ordering a black sweater dress last week so i have something here to wear for a date or to go out in that's not in storage
-that the agency i work for paid me so i'd get paid before the holiday and pays for set up and break down time
-changing up my look
-coffee and how it boosts my mood
-music
-J neighbor liking my coat a lot saying i'm really wearing that coat
-my sense of style
-earning more money than i did last month
-cleaning a little earlier
-rebuilding my life, and that i'm trying
-chivalry and when men help women and carry my stuff for me, etc
-my ex calling the grant people to try and fix what went wrong with it
-adapting to working more
-learning more with public transportation
-makeup
-how cute my cats are
-beta blockers and using those occasionally to calm myself down when things get nerve wrecking or i need to slow my blood pressure or heart rate down
-remembering little things to remind myself how real the law of attraction is
-holding one of my favorite stuffed animals when i got home after my awful day and panic attack that left me feeling suicidal and dazed and falling asleep early
-watching some good movies the last few days
-that my social life has increased a little bit the last few months
-doing 40 minutes of yin yoga last night
-how much my cat's liking their bed
-that my weight is going down even though it's much slower than it should be
-losing 2 of the 3 pounds i gained
-changing up my look
-deciding to see my ex S that I wasn't ready to see before since he will be helping me and is. He was a jerk in a lot of ways but not the one way i feared
-my ex S liking my chest a lot and giving them a lot of attention caressing them and kissing them, making out with them in his car
-trying to take my vitamins more often
-finding a better way to handwash my clothes for when i really have to
-my therapist finding another rental assistance program that she emailed me about and contacting them
-inspiration
-baby wipes
-the body lotion i use that's very hydrating
-my humidifier
-meeting new people
-having goals
-blankets
-learning new ways of doing things
-laughter and humor
-healing and becoming more coherent
-sunshine
-nightskies
-nice views
-my lawyer being about to file a motion to quash
-my creativity
-compliments
-being considered really attractive and interesting
-showering more often, wearing makeup more often and just taking better care of myself than this time last year
-new experiences
-kissing J
-watching P cat walk out of his tunnel it's so cute and funny seeing him use it to navigate the living room
-having had some cool and interesting life experiences
-how smart and intuitive my cats are, they jumped out of their playpen when i spaced out and didn't shut it right away and i suddenly seen them on the ground below the porch and scooped them both back up. It was insane and surreal. They knew not to stray too far i believe and just wanted to have their fun.
-great deals
-random little money blessings like money in my account that doesn't make sense or not getting charge for a bag of cat food, etc
-my older friend i became introduced to in 2022, he's been an angel to me

[buttercup]

-snacks
-powerades and vitamin waters
-A's voice
-A's possessiveness's and being dominant, I think it's cute
-how much my cats love cuddling on each other and the cute pics i get from it
-not gaining any weight from eating over thanksgiving
-music and how powerful it is for connecting and taking you away
-how much i connect with my cats and they connect with me
-sleep
-finding a practically unopen ginkgo biloba bottle in my kitchen cabinet which is just what would help me and seeing some help i think so far from trying it
-getting a refund in my account and using it to order cat food and pay off an uber
-feeling more rested and catching up on things
-watching movies
-working more these days and confirming another job yesterday
-how much this new agency seems to appreciate their workers. They made sure we got paid a day early so we got paid before the holiday, i got paid extra for some reason despite seeing the hours add up so maybe it was a holiday bonus, they offer parking pay, etc
-getting a chemical peel and how clean my skin looks since
-having nice curves
-my baby face youthful features
-my humidifier
-A wanting me in a relationship way and seeing me, treating me like that and how nice it feels to be wanted like that
-selling another item off poshmark
-four leaf clovers
-prayer
-love
-taking care of my cats
-taking things one day at a time
-creativity
-baby wipes
-taking out the garbage yesterday
-reaching my goals
-helpers
-hope
-being smart
-learning
-relearning
-inspiration
-compliments
-compassion and empathy
-fashion
-art
-getting closer to my goals, even if in a lot of ways it doesn't feel like it
-reflecting on things and what's important to me
-cleaning the toilet and deep cleaning the bathroom some
-cleaning the living room some
-topamax for that it is doing something when i take it with the right amount and with wellbutrin
-looking for reassurances to my past pics helping
-mobile editing apps to help me look better in pics
-hoodies and sweaters
-new ways of doing things
-knowing quiet clears things up and brings clarity to situations, unfogs them
-newness
-being a reasonable person

[buttercup]

-getting jelly roll botox to fix up my eyes
- the cost ending up being free for my botox yesterday
-S coming out to take my stuff to the storage unit yesterday and watching him grab my stuff for me, open the unit for me, etc
-the weather getting a little warmer today
-things smoothing out with my job
-touching up my hair color and punching it up, though i'm not sure how i feel about the color now that i have
-losing weight and back down to the 19 lbs lost
-my skin looking clean
-unity
-conversations with others
-powerades and that delicious feeling of drinking down a lot at once
-how cute my cats are
-playing with my cats
-gingko biloba
-people and research online and perspective concurring my thoughts that what i found out about A is really messed up and a dealbreaker
-doing yoga
-my ex L contacting me that he will be in town and wants to hang out and do a project together
-finding out my food card will be back to normal next month
-watching movies
-sunshine
-reapplying for the rental assistance
-having conviction
-having great style
-my beauty
-sleep
-my appetite being smaller
-prayer
-my philosophical side
-meeting cool people
-feeling a little less overwhelmed
-trying to stay calm
-trying to rebuild
-reflecting on manifesting
-moisturizers
-blankets
-giving my cats treats

[buttercup]

-officially ending it with A after realizing i couldn't reconcile my feelings on things with him, and J neighbor having had been contacting me everyday after i texted him after i had the big fight with A. We talked a little about the night and he had contacted me pretty much everyday since, calling me a lot, and spending time at my house several times and i just realized it was him i choose and the whole time i was wanting it to be him. We grew some bond a little, he makes me laugh, doesn't judge me, and doesn't put on all these expectations for me to have of him. He seems to have care for me, and has changed.
-beautiful pictures of my cats from the past
-taking my vitamins
-upping my wellbutrin dose to help me focus today after the doctor canceled on me last minute and rescheduled for spring. Taking an extra ativan for anxiety, half a hydrocodone and ibuprofen plus my weight loss meds and i had some lovely peaceful quiet in my mind tonight. It was very nice.
-sweaters
-drinking some gotu kola tea tonight
-eating a lot less lately
-my body looking slimmer in photos
-loving my cats
-reversing aging and seeing it in photo comparisons
-my new hair color
-yoga
-having a great chest that men find really attractive and women think is too
-being more productive today
-manifesting what i want
-working more again
-botox
-manifesting J back.
-ginkgo biloba
-good movies
-having great style
-my new liquid eyeliner and how easy it is to apply
-the therapy places i reach out to when i need to talk and that i go to that have really helped the last week or so
-drinking more water and hydrating myself
-my new vitamin c cream i've been using and how amazing it's been
-seeing l cat and how great it felt to do that
-helping others when i can
-how great it felt to lay in J neighbors arms when he laid in my bed the other night
-sleep
-sunshine
-lint rollers
-cleaning
-seeing my grant say submitted, waiting for match which is more than last time when it got denied. It just said submitted last time.
-my four leaf clover stone.
-makeup
-chemical peels
-healing

[buttercup]

wow. so much changes so fast.
-that i was starting to see J be happy for me, take accountability for things, show care, and be a real person and not just some ghetto idiot or mean person like i thought over the summer. he displayed someone that has an intelligence and empathy, and made effort. overall, after reflecting on things it became glaringly obvious he liked me more than A actually. He put way more effort to see me, from constantly making excuses to see me, the silliest excuses it was insane, and constantly calling me and forgetting stuff here that in the moment was confusing but looking back i think i'll find it very romantic and sexy. I never had someone act like that before.
-powerades and vitamin waters and trying to drink more water
-trying to force myself to have more energy and focus
-hitting 23 lbs lost now
-nami support with all my confusion when i didn't know what to do with between A vs J and then after J made me feel not so great
-court going well and getting more time bought
-getting smile line filler
-looking thinner in photos
-that i manifested J back
-my vitamin c peptide cream
-getting a lot more attention from the opposite sex again and compliments which is a boost to my confidence admittedly
-my arms looking smaller
-speaking up to J in my way about how he made me feel and that he can't use me and him taking accountability and apologizing and saying i have every right to feel that way, etc
-yoga
-art
-my hair color
-manifesting random checks and other money out of nowhere
-poetry
-having good luck
-having a caring heart
-kind people
-new ideas
-new experiences
-cuteness
-love
-changing the litter box
-that i can say i have improved my life since last year even if i have a long way's to go, i can see a lot of growth and feel a lot more like myself
-entertainment
-being a winner
-irish cream liquors
-the wave texture my hair sometimes has
-beta blockers
-giving my cats treats
-laughing at life
-lights that go off on how to improve things
-cleaning wipes
-baby wipes
-my older friend sending me a cash app gift
-being a respectful person
-thinking positive
-prayer
-being unique
-having great style
-being a prize