GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

-my incenses.
-coffee
-delicious food
-sleep
-feeling relief today and normal. so grateful.
-having a bank account now
-vitamins
-seeing how each little thing i've integrated seems to make a small weight loss difference
-sweaters,socks,and comfortable cozy clothing
-feeling more fearless now and ready to immerse in just being more fearless now
-having plans this weekend. everyone else goes and hangs out with people they only even having so-so interest in and im always so picky but i told this person as friends and they keep lingering on which makes me feel i should just go once. he can't be any worse from this D this fall can he? i think it'll be beneficial
-best friend applying to higher end places and actually taking positive actions
-getting living room cleaned
-reality checks. they don't have to hurt,just bring you down to earth. it's one thing to have a subtle inkling,a whole different thing to let it invade your mind and take over you. besides,from an loa perspective what manifests more likely? the subtle inkling which is actually the dominant thought or the whole mind being taken over which is just fear? it's the subtle. the subtle is where we get our power. it's where we have that feeling but allow that smidge of mystery,and doubt and uncertainty which keeps us in non-expectation which is keeping us in the flow of playing out the stories of our lives. i guess it's because we let the subconscious peek out,but when we let the whole mind being invaded that's actually our conscious mind and our subconscious in fear state. subtly command the subconscious. the conscious is useless with telling yourself things. it's no wonder lately when i'd do the affirmations i had about various things it felt like it was going nowhere.i don't think i was believing it.i will start loving the heck out of my subconscious more and commanding it. i think my subconscious has been out of control and could use some tlc(tender love and care)
-physical exercise
-how my phone looks now from all the pic and name changes. it's about the little things. it boosts my mood. one tip i'd give anyone is find the little things that make you feel even just a little better,and do them! when i was younger and suffered from depression,i'd think the little things things were meaningless but now at this point in my life,i know every little things that boosts your happiness,is HEALING. So,yes,if going for a short walk or sitting on the porch or watching a funny movie will make you feel even just a little better,just do it! it never fails me that 99% of the time if i'm feeling down,there's several things i've not been doing that have caused me to feel down such as maybe skimping on exercise or having not gone out in awhile or maybe slacking on meditating so always take a look and ask yourself what have you not been doing lately?
-talking with business partner more about our new career venture we are planting the seeds for
-focusing on productive things again today
-just feeling more faithful,and trusting again. it may not even be super 100% but it's a lot more then it was.
-forehead pulsations. since that's always my sign my third eye chakra is activating and i love it and how it feels
-great moisturizers
-music
-how beautiful my hair is
-body soreness since it tells me my body is being worked out
-how profound even a 30 second meditation can be.i stopped while writing the part about the subconscious part on this list for about 30 seconds and just allowed my mind to be quiet and felt so calm after and powerful and then have been feeling the forehead pulsations.
-being able to tune into myself and ask myself what i'm feeling and why. such as one thing for me is my fear that i'm getting older now and want to change my reality so i don't feel this feeling im having but i'm also having guilt which is blocking me a little bit,like i've had so many amazing things so who am i try and want to feel young and happy as long as i can? i feel the urge to get more life things together,and also have more fun and be young,wild,and free,but then there's fear like i'm not allowed to want to have more wild and free moments and to look and feel young,but that i need to only focus on getting the "practical" things together,and should be grateful i even have as much as i do now like an apartment,etc,etc. so,it's really silly the true me wants to keep reaching for more while appreciating what i do have,and just feel those feelings i desire with no guilt. i guess lately,there is slight sadness i'm not 18 anymore. of course,there is regrets. i could have done so much differently. but,that's what the next life is for. my deepest guilts are triggered by last year's sadness...that had i not gotten sucked into pains from when i was still in high school,i could have made different decisions and that life last year,and now and all the years in between could've been better. on the outside looking in,it looks like i've done so much,and am an amazing,kind person. but,the inner me is someone who turned down many things and didn't reach higher because of their own pains and who was a late bloomer. that's why i've envied certain friends i had met a few years ago. they seemed to have a fresh beautiful start and made fearless steps and seemed in my eyes to be doing it all right. the inner me,is someone who tried to make the best decisions for all involved but feels regret that it just wasn't better. it could've been so much better,and that makes me so sad. and it makes me feel unworthy. that's why a part of me is still the girl in high school who wants those feelings and admires that crush A because he gives her that feeling of him being the popular boy she was too shy to talk to when she actually was in high school. it's like i'm reaching for these opportunities to give me these certain feelings and trying to overcome inconsistencies in my head like the desires conflicting with the guilt. i'm a human being,and i make mistakes and can be selfish.i need to forgive myself. these memories from years ago,are petty and silly to anyone else if they knew,but to me are like trauma in my cells because i have trouble still moving on from them and they affect other areas of my life. who am i to try to fulfill this desire to the fullest my soul calls for it? who am i to have so many goals? all because of petty mistakes i didn't even mean when i was technically still a child...this month has been has been intense,geez
-relaxation,releasing resistances,clearing energy blockages
-hope

[buttercup]

-that i found my lavender oil. that oil is like magic. for some reason,i get so drawn to it,and find it so potent and stress relieving. who knew i'd end up so obsessed with lavender? it's become one of my favorite herbs.
-that for the first time,in a little while,i feel normal today.
-that its sunny out and the weather is nice today
-water
-coffee
-doing a really nice,simple,full 20 minute meditation on the porch and how effective it was
-that it looks like my friend K is going to come to the party with me coming up and has been emailing me regularly since i invited her
-all the blockages i released in the last few days thanks to the help of the incense i was using and am still using;going to clear up one last new blockage i picked up right before merc retrograde started with a meditation
-that i know my mental processes arent as acute because of mercury retrograde which explains why the bizarre fear started happening right when mercury retrograde happened.i know based on timing and when it first popped in my head,that it was just anxiety and ocd thought since it also came when i was in a fearful place and already thinking fearful thoughts,but it's still been in my head just slightly even though i've been working on clearing it. it's literally the last thing to clear on a certain issue,and it makes me happy it's mercury retrograde since it explains why also i had gotten so antsy and having the thought. in the first place. I know from experience mercury retrograde just makes mental processes weird like a blur and strange things happen. i'm grateful that i can look forward to june when it'll be over,and i can trust thought processes more,and life will feel even more normal and moved forward and i can 'see' the proof that all is well. and,all this proves even more,i didn't actually want e to be available for the one thing,i just wanted to do it,to contact him so that block could be removed. the universe is amazing.i am sincerely grateful he is out of town for reunion because i know that was the divine plan,that he wasn't meant to be available,but just meant to hear from me,and anxious on his own and that our divine plan is a little later from then to see each other again. it just FEELS so right.
-peanut butter cookies
-cleaning up a lot last night,dishes,kitchen,frontroom organizing,bathroom.i felt compelled to clean a lot of the aparrtment last night as if it would make my feel better and it is so weird because it really did. it made my headache go away,and really lifted my mood and made me think much more clearly like a fog had been lifted. that was literally the last thing i did before i felt normal again.
-that i can change my reality at any moment
-that i can manifest anything and all the insane reality bending miracles i've manifested before that i'm reminded myself of to boost my mood and remind myself of my power
-finding hypnosis audios on music site i like that i can listen to which is exciting,i listened to one last night. quieting my mind is one of the biggest things for me.
-some really great loa vlogger channel from a blog i already liked that i watched before bed. she said some things that really made me intrigued and feel happy.i didn't agree with everything,of course. i'd still like to find more loa teachers who integrate subjective reality,since i don't find many who seem to believe in that,and i've had it affirmed for me too many times as a very basic aspect of truth. loa becomes much easier when you embrace that aspect. and,when i first discovered loa,subjective reality was something i took to naturally without outside info as it made sense.
-how great my third eye chakra feels. it feels open,clear,and getting pulsations which is really nice.
-getting a job offer on linkedin
-that life feels just a bit more blossoming today
-sleep,and that i slept well and fell asleep nice and easily last night
-seeing little processes and ways of thinking that builds to change the perceptions easily and naturally with thoughts and how effective it is changing them little by little.
-focusing on the subconscious more today
-great work ideas coming to me
-things that seem interesting to try
-feeling powerful today
-roommate eating lunch at apartment today
-that something amazing is going to happen either today or tomorrow
-that i get to blog in a little over a week again. i've been craving it for a week or two now.i miss having that outlet
-how normal life is getting,and how wonderful that is.
-how amazing the next month is going to be. i can feel it.
-how when you dedicate yourself to the work of feeling better,and happiness,it will pay off.
-throwing out the tarot deck the other day. that right there,was me taking back my life.

[buttercup]

what an amazing day,it just keeps getting better and better.
-that i shifted realities. it was so amazing.idk what happened besides i kept doing the spiritual work and was doing very well but still had the slight i need to maintain feeling. i kept getting third eye chakra forehead sensations.i did some incense with singing bowls music remembering how that always makes the incense even more powerful and that really really made a difference.it was after that,that my forehead was going nuts for the whole night. i listened to some crown chakra audios and now,it's finally hit me the importance of these! i used to think for awhile now that once you get to third eye,that is fine,it is key for manifesting and insights,but omg the crown delves you even deeper and links to reality shifting. from here,all these crazy connecting insights came to me and going into "advanced loa." i noticed a glitch in the matrix type thing happen,my mind felt extremely smooth,and clear,like nothing could shake it,no doubts could enter,and i just felt different...like i entered a different reality. like,i just felt so certain of it.i've had these feelings before but before i believed in parallel realities thought it just meant my manifestation was done,though i also felt like something was different,and i didn't have to do anything more,it felt like i entered a different reality though i couldn't pin the words for that feeling. and then in fall,when i'd have these feelings and did believe in reality shifting and understood it,i just thought it had to do with randomness or a specific style of meditating.i never thought of it relating to the crown which now i do. on top of that,all these clicks came to me about previous paradoxes some speak of that makes sense such as in a way,if you ever want to manifest something,the things that seem "impossible" especially if you believe in objective reality,freewill,etc,etc then you just have to think of the concept as reality shifting since that can't possibly interfere with either of those concepts and we are shifting realities constantly,really! even when we don't know it,and often when we manifest,or the bigger manifestations,we are reality shifting. last night,i felt more affirmed then ever of subjective reality,and that we can have ANYTHING we desire via the loa. heck,even the things happen for a reason concept started to get shucked out the window,though this was inspired by a vlogger i watched who teaches loa. i even reflected for a moment on my favorite belief serendipity and how it's 100% real....but not at all real for someone like my best friend for example,so who is right? We BOTH ARE.The universe knows I love serendipity and living my life in that fashion and how much it excites and soothes me but it does nothing for my best friend. Serendipity is only real,because i chose it as as belief system. EVERYTHING is a belief system,loa is the underlying basic truth,and there are no exceptions. The reality shifting concept has been something i learned of this last late summer,and has been a fundamental aspect of my spiritual evolution. It is so key to inner peace and evolving past loa limitations. I don't know what happened,because i felt pretty damn good and just kept doing the work,and whoa ever since,yes,i shifted realtiies. my mind feels so wonderfully clear,and all that i worried about a few days ago,and this past month is freaking gone! i just know my manifestations are done,too. I will never underestimate the crown chakra again,that took me over the edge.i so appreciate all these insights,feeling empowered again,crown chakra music,crystal and tibetan singing bowls music,and powerful incense,gltiches in the matrix,and that feeling that it's done and you no longer need to do anymore work and just how amazingly clear my mind feels. wow.it's such a high.
-my headhpones
-vegan dark chocolate with cherries,and honestly,how spiritual chocolate it is. it really is.i started to feel inkling of this,and feel it even more. the funny thing is,when you get really activated in your upper chakras(third eye and crown,that is),you start to seem spacey,crazy and out there. i notice this with certain very advanced loa teachers and other spiritual people,and feel this in myself when i'm really high vibrating,but i love it. you can just tell there's a lot of energy going on in their crown chakra.
-coffee
-how freaking sunny it is today. love it
-going with the flow
-how much work business partner got done today and showed me. wow.
-texting with l last night.
-all the deep cleaning i did with bedroom last night,and throwing things out. wow. it really cleared some energy
-sleep. i slept a lot though for some reason. but,it was good sleep,deep sleep.
-being slender. and having hardly any body flaws. of course,when i'm high vibrating,and just cleared energy,ALWAYS,always my body looks better,and more attractive
-yoga shorts
-how happy,high,and excited i feel today! i love it.
-skin being tanner then it used to be for example one year ago today
-crown chakra. i appreciate this so much
-happy animal stories
-being affirmed in spiritual truths,even if some sound crazy,and i can't share them with anyone,except best friend.i love gping deeper down the rabbit hole,and when i get super,super happy,and crown chakra is getting some energy,freaking ridiculous manifestations happen that again are surreal,dream,like and like i shifted realities(never used this term back then when it'd happen but it's the same feeling now i have so i accredit to the same thing). yes,yes,i will never underestimate the crown again. can go so much higher then third eye feelings!
-the feeling freaking awesome things are about to happen!
-that i don't worry about protein anymore like i used to and still get enough unlike last summer
-lavender oil
-how just a few days of throwing out stupid tarot in the trash and i'm already quickly back to myself,the true me,and true reality of how things work.
-feeling patient,in the flow,yet willing to be spontaneous
-happy animal stories
-being kind hearted
-that i can just let my mind be now,without trying too hard to control or worrying about it going out of control. seriosuly,chakra work is so key to controlling the "monkey mind."
-meditation
-feeling like i want to dance,because all is well and life is back to normal,but going to get better

[buttercup]

-cheeseless pizza
-lemon water
-omega vitamins and how easy it's been to be thinner since starting them and my body seeming tighter despite not working out as much last few days
-pink roses,and roses in general
-that my strong incense is gone,and now i can use my softer heart-chakra focused ones instead
-the body scrub i've been using and how amazingly smooth it makes my skin
-how good i've gotten at makeup from the tips i put together for me since march and also not trying so hard after learning what makeup artist showed and taught me and said
-getting ticket to party tonight
-that i can relax now after another really stressful,anxiety ridden day where i felt like a crazy person
-going shopping today
-coffee
-that i get over post drinking hangover much easier since becoming vegan. very interesting!
-nightlife
-nice lounges with trendy cocktails and djs
-friendly staff
-deciding to go ahead and go out with l last night after feeling like i needed to get out and get space and how i tend to regret saying no pretty often anyways and having a better time then i thought. hearing him say one of the things he likes about me,and is why he is there and is interested in me is my teeth was very interesting to me and made me feel confident since it's my insecurity and i never thought it could be a reason for someone's interest in me and he listed 3 qualities he likes in girls,and the kind of teeth i had was one of them. also,little things,like he unfollowed this girl on ig i told him about which impressed me and little things like the 2nd place having a charger for my phone since my phone was low was very funny and interesting. just getting out again was fun. though,my my mind thought of E several times.
-feeling the movement of energy in life after buying ticket to party today,like it just moved energy for other desires and also just seeing how k bought her ticket right while i was out with L proved my limiting belief right,that i need to go out with L to move energy for other desires.
-seeing the fun sides of L,and how much he likes me,and how work-wise it could be really beneficial.
-stretches and how good they make me feel
-sleep,though i've had a lot of weird dreams lately,including this morning of someone trying to slaughter me with a razor and then last week,an abusive ex.
-how great my legs look
-the great weather today
-that my life seems really glamourous to others,even if to me it just seems like a facade or not a big deal
-how quiet it is right now
-best friend coming back after my anxiety today
-hair clips
-cool photo editing mobile apps
-taking my mind off E a little bit the last 24 hours
-chakra healing music
-that tomorrow can be a fresh start
-trying new things,expanding myself,being more confident
-face massage,face yoga,simple face moisturizer and tea tree oil
-my style
-the fashion industry
-knowing cool people
-getting rid of limiting beliefs
-being myself
-my tastes in things
-how great my skin is looking lately,despite having soda i usually break out from twice this week and being very stressed and crying,yelling
-being an interesting person. i tend to be one of the,if not the,most interesting person a person meets which is funny,i never set out to be that,but then i am the girl with odd viewpoints and lots of life stories
-comfort
-being open and trying new things

[buttercup]

-great weather today
-a good day today
-summertime vibes
-music playing from the neighbor's homes
-vegan burritos
-coffee
-water
-lemons
-vegan food
-a nice walk today at my favorite park
-seeing more abundance today and feeling more appreciative and realizing how much i have to be grateful for this month. things like this give me insight into how depression vs happiness works. depression is seeing things very much like in a tunnel/a fogged view of reality. happiness is an expanded view. depression moods feel like your trapped and in an enclosure. happiness is feeling unlocked.
-the shift of energy today,and feeling like june will be a great month.
-omega vitamins
-vitamin e vitamins
-vitamins in general
-my interests
-roommate getting a box of supplements that intrigued me to read and take an interest in.
-e having left my mind quite a bit,and only popping in from time to time,and when he does,it's in a lighter,non intense,way and i can feel the subconscious negative thoughts i had before have been re-wired since i feel the back of my mind thoughts now and they're much more different,normal,and positive. cleaned up really. having a more balanced view of things again,too which is key. i like him,i just click with him. you can't change how you feel but what hurts me is how he never really ever made me feel special.i realized this laying down the other day after more calmness. i also can't help but feel like,i thought i knew him pretty well,but now feel like i hardly know him at all and how weird that feels and i don't like it,and then i have the subconscious thought that something is going to happen to change my view on that,and correct it,very soon,and that this is just part of the energy back and forth play of the story
-roses
-all the really great,and cool pictures i've taken
-my taste in things and sense of who i am,my style
-the wonderful glow my skin has these days
-how tight my body has gotten and shaped up
-that my facial features just look different. it's slight but there. my eyes look different,almost a different color and more clear. my skin is glowier. my face,especially around the eye area looks much brighter and younger and my skin is just overall more clear.i also am more happy with my facial features and my skintone looks just a little more warm and sunny,tan complected. i love it.
-all the beauty,wellness,happiness tweaks and tips i've integrated and learning in the last year
-how loose my clothes feel today
-yoga
-yoga on the porch and how great it feels
-my yoga mat
-not trying to hard anymore,and feeling more breezy about things
-rose incense
-learning things and being a nonconformist
-feeling like i just want to say yes to everything this summer,and like maybe i will
-possibilities and potential
-laughing at haters and their transparent actions
-fun and letting myself have some of it
-seeing the benefits of hanging out more with l and that maybe it'd not be so bad,and how much it flatters that he is into me
-my living room being nice and clean
-relaxation
-happiness
-great ideas
-feeling ambitious and productive
-feeling like i've come back to myself quite a bit
-that i'm attractive and so have lots of stories that are interesting in my life because of it
-meditation
-how easy it is to get protein now

[buttercup]

-rose incense
-crystal singing bowls
-lemon water
-coffee
-great weather today
-being more ig active
-loving myself
-pictures of myself i love
-having thin legs
-how great my face expressions are
-going tanning today
-that my skintone has changed
-the sun
-clouds
-vegan popcorn
-calm days
-being enigmatic
-random bold things i say
-food art
-trying new things
-how skinny i am
-creativity and art
-feeling more in the flow
-meditation
-all the things to try and explore
-hypnosis audios and how amazingly relaxing they are
-best friend being nicer lately
-best friend being more productive and helping them with their cover letter
-doing a nice theta intention setting exercise before bed last night
-the lock screen on my phone
-how flexible my lower back is
-yoga
-seeing more abundance and possibility again
-how much my face has changed and how much i love it
-my vitamins
-being productive
-inspirations
-motivation
-great poetry
-having accumulated favorites over the years;books,colors,herbs,flowers,poems,sculptures, and so on. a few years ago,i didn't have many favorites,i was still exploring so much. so it seems it's an aspect of growing up a little that i now have more favorite things.

[buttercup]

-that my body is detoxing
-how loose my clothes are fitting
-yoga pants
-how beautiful my hair is
-how amazing my eyes look
-flowers
-sweet things said by l which make me feel good
-embracing mercury retrograde
-vitamins and supplements
-all the beauty and wellness things i've been integrating and will integrate to increase my attractiveness and happiness
-coffee
-water
-beauty
-having model features
-hypnosis and the wonderful hypnosis audio i've been listening to daily lately
-feeling my facial muscles as tension is released. it is so amazing and interesting to me to see how stress and energy blockages are carried in the facial muscles and how hypnosis actually relaxes the facial muscles
-lemons
-things i want to try and having a passion for minerals,nutrients,vitamins and other natural plants and such to increase wellness and beauty
-exercise throughout the day
-yoga and how great it feels
-the lock screen on my phone
-the sun coming out today
-the affirmation "i deserve to be here." which is amazing for anxiety and feeling insecure about the little things/indecision/and ocd
-how great my instagram page is looking
-getting the bank errand done
-cleaning the kitchen last night
-the delicious nourishing dinner i made last night
-how easy it is now to get protein
-how light exercise is adequate now for me to meet my body goals
-scalp massages
-face massage and yoga
-clearing energy and resistances and how good it feels
-changing subconscious beliefs i had and how great it feels
-how much calmer these days have been
-interesting things to read
-happy animal news and cute and inspiring videos and news
-desires to travel to inspiring places for spiritual reasons
-pillows
-healing
-how amazing it is that we are self healing
-inspiration in general
-my creativity and ideas
-clouds
-massage
-best friend being productive and ambitious
-moisturizers
-music,sounds,and the ability to hear
-my plans this weekend i'm looking forward to
-innocence and appreciating the inner child,babies,animals,and innocence in others
-positive possibilities
-gently commanding my subconscious
-my wisdom and kindness
-using pain as inspiration
-being inspired by others who have been through a lot and found peace
-feeling relaxed

[buttercup]

-style
-my tastes in things
-great curation and my skill at it
-instagram
-feeling confident
-great weather
-new financial goals
-the sun
-coffee
-sleep
-waking up feeling very happy,and optimistic about the future
-rose incense
-deciding 1 of two things;a financial goal/thing i'm starting and deciding to challenge myself to a yes challenge to start saying yes to a lot more things and be more fearless where normally i'd say no because i don't want to or am hesistant. being inspired by my favorite movie,yes man.i feel this will very beneficial to me in a multitude of ways and am so excited
-reflecting while listening to throat chakra music last night and finally feeling a sense of calm about the whole since this time last month and like i'm where i should be,and things happened for a reason,and i've gotten through the muck and now lighter,funner,times with positive changes are ahead.it was so nice to finally have very clear intuition and forthsight about where i was headed during this reflection,like i just knew certain things that were positive with no doubt and with ease and felt like all was well about the last 30/31 days or so.it was so great.i haven't had that clear of intuition in awhile.
-happy music
-seeing abundance again
-possibilities
-metaphysics
-good food
-pillows
-physical exercise
-capturing zen moments with my camera that i appreciate
-my porch and how zen it is
-feeling some possibility about the future finally,unstuck about some things and patterns changed in a positive way about others
-feeling calm and positive about ocd past mind wanderings and feelings of guilt and distorted perceptions
-positive energy,and high vibe blogs where i can feel the energy in them
-my experiences
-tibetan singing bowls
-being relaxed,in the flow,and seeing things in a clear way that is positive,soothing,and realistic
-being able to be barefoot
-feeling like time is on my side
-being an interesting person
-how toned and tight my body is
-denim cutoffs
-meditation and wonderful ideas and insights that come to me during meditation
-trying less hard,and feeling more relaxed
-getting bedroom cleaned
-"i deserve to be here." affirmation and how powerful it's been for me
-feeling insights about my purpose in life,and why i'm here and embracing aspects of me that i fight with
-accumulating more ig followers
-feeling like so many amazing things can happen for me and seeing the possibilties but also not overthinking and just knowing i can create and change anything! just feel so filled with possibility.
-detoxing
-the lock screen on my phone
-how amazing my cheekbones are
-evolving and sticking to things i'm wanting
-water
-being able to chat with best friend about how i feel,my goals,the weird feelings i have about time and feeling old and how i've been feeling older because i've been telling myself i'm actually a year older then i am,which probably made an effect.
-my child-like side
-innocence
-animal advocacy and animal activists
-the new things and changes and path unfolding and slightly turning that i can feel happening in the moment
-my higher self

[buttercup]

-coffee
-cinnamon french toast sticks
-water
-happy music
-warm weather
-clothes i love
-things to look forward to
-little things changing in a way that is reassuring
-cool little possible "glitches in the matrix" such as today,i went to cabinet and had TWO boxes of coffee somehow,even though yesterday I was out,and had only one purchased. so weird!
-tuning into my feelings,even the negative and insecure,and asking myself questions that can be helpful
-having financial goals
-rose incense
-feeling like a new me since throwing tarot in the garbage. at times it's uncomfortable when i want an answer to why someone is behaving a certain way,but then i remind myself to align,be and be happy and that,that's truth. it may be a little more effort,but it's more empowering. I create my reality. I feel more freed,rational,and mature since throwing them out. Reality is subjective and what I choose it to be,not what a tarot card says. It's also played a huge part in me believing in things being more limitless and full of possibility
-cool colors and art that is made even with a camera phone
-my eye,my vision
-my face
-third eye chakra music and a nice intention setting exercise before bed
-pronoia and my belief in,and seeing it in effect more as soon as this morning after setting an intention about it last night before bed. very cool.
-my mind being slower from meditation and hypnosis,i can really feel a difference,i am just a lot more calmer and mind much more slower
-cleaning the bathroom last night
-less overthinking
-my confidence
-saying yes to life more
-headphones
-being cool

[buttercup]

idk what happened but yesterday wasn't very good. it all started when i woke up and i just felt weird,like i couldn't explain it,just a weird feeling. i then noticed 1-2 things that were like "glitches in the matrix." It made me think did i switch realities or something,and maybe everytime we have that weird feeling like how i had,we are sensing that. from there,l was being very distant towards me which had started the night before technically.it was lowering my vibe and i had to recognize that i was feeling feelings of attachment and was trying to ask myself what could this teach me. he ignored one of my questions,never even answering it,then just asking what i'm doing tonight.i was mad and didn't answer,then two hours later started venting about something else to which he said that he can leave me alone if i want. which,i took to mean,he is ending it with me. not that we are anything,but still. acting all weird towards me suddenly,ignoring me and then saying that? it hurt a little because one thing,i thought i could count on and was just a little warming up towards the idea of was now going away.i realized,actions speaks somewhat,and that his actions are someone who can't work for me anyways.i also felt an odd sense of calm while talking about this and other things that seemed to not be going well last night to a friend,like i need to just let things be unpleasant and chaotic and not try to control and just trust that it's bringing me what i desire,or closer to what i desire.i just felt intuitively like something i want is right smack about to happen,and that this was a darkness before the dawn type of thing going on. one of the biggest,and most painful lessons i've ever learned is when things seem to be going chaotic,and unpleasant,don't resist it,because when you do,you block your blessings. They will still come in,but you can enjoy them more fully when you let go of the plan/the way/the how in your head,and trust the universe. We block because of our desperation to control,our fears,and all that even when it's becomes so ridiculous that we end up pushing away our dreams because of that! Just freaking let go! A painful life lesson i've learned before. So,if nothing else,one thing i've take with me,is to try and surrender that this is part of the plan to bring me something and i can't see the universe's way,which knows more then i do about my desires. i guess i'm embracing pronoia more easily and naturally now. It's just with how l was being,i also had the one girl say she may not be able to go to the event with me,which was very interesting timing after an article i read,and also ex A contacted me which made me very mad because he seems to be contacting me every time he suspects i have something else going on like he wants to make sure i don't get in deep with anyone! it's very weird. he never used to call me,and then he does,and at a time where it's more likely i'd be out. Oddly enough,i feel somewhat calm about everything,but i also noticed my vibration has attracted me to feel negativity thoughts and feelings about violence and money today,such as hearing a crazy violent news story at a popular place near me and scarcity thoughts about money and thinking how expensive things are. Mind has wandered a little today,and i've noticed i have anxities about traveling to certain places because i've attracted things that have made me more anxious compared to last time i was there. it's odd thinking i'm a much more timid,scared person then a few years ago.
-coffee and how especially good it tastes today
-my cinnamon french toast sticks breakfast with fruit spread which also tasted especially good today
-water
-hypnosis audios
-going with the flow
-feeling relatively calm
-tuning into myself pretty well;being honest with my feelings.
-the little glitches in the matrix because it makes me wonder and speculate
-positive spirituality articles
-realizing what a heck of a full month it has been,and it didn't seem to move as fast either. very interesting
-pictures,and how much i have editing them with filters and techniques. it truly could be a hobby how much i enjoy to take pics,artistically adjust them,and curate them
-reflection and being able to ask myself questions,soothe myself,be honest with myself and so on
-ex A calling me. because even though i didn't answer,vented about it after,and won't contact him,it feels nice to be thought of.
-seeing L for what he really is,even if it's not a fun one. it just is weird and annoying that right when i start to warm up a little to the idea of him,he does this. i have no doubt in my mind he did this to get back at me,either for not hanging out with him before he went out of town,or jealousy over something or a combination and this,in combo with several other things from him are very red-flag to me. still,i feel he will hit me up again but after this,what can happen? i can't hang out with someone like that. loss of potential. when something ends,or dies,that's what is a big part of it is. the potential of what could've been/the desires and dreams then become killed. it's really sad. what also bothers me is it keeps coming down to sexism for me. everytime i lose or reject something that is male,it's like i lose out on something in one way or another and it's frustrating. whether it's a guy's money,or being taken out,or career opportunities,it just seems every thing that is male is either a gain if you say yes to it or a loss if you don't and that really is upsetting. it may very well be a limiting belief or inaccurate perception but it's what i'm currently dealing with. the idea that all these things i've said no to have led to losses and the benefits of saying yes. it just seems unfair that when men don't get a girl or a girl says no,they still get all that they have. men are constantly using their money and resources over you and it sucks. i also feel if l really liked me,he wouldn't have acted like this so either he is being abusive or has been fake the whole time. it is so stupid and makes no sense except that it's suspicious behavior based on what he just posted on ig of only even being in town where he is at now for a few days but then getting so rushing for me to see him before he goes and angry at me.
-my face
-telling myself repeatedly that whatever is meant to happen,will be happen,will be
-exploring my desires in life
-stretches
-my best friend
-feeling optimistic about the future still
-sleep
-the rain
-dental floss
-face wash
-soothing feelings
-light
-my teeth
-all the new ig followers
-that i get to blog again in a little over a day