1. #461


    i cannot believe it's been 3 weeks since i heard from him,over 3 weeks. time really is an illusion. sometimes,it feels like parts of time are "missing" even. it's weird as in where was i really for all of that hour.
    -shadowing for best friend's mom to be a volunteer at a gym she works at. it felt good. on one hand,i feel like i'm getting a lot done the last weeks,but then on the other,it feels far from enough,too. and,one thing i've realized is that i've traded one fear for another,as in,i now start to have fears oh,well what if they die,and so really my core fear is just being able to take care of myself. that's all i need to eliminate. and,i thought the key to eliminating that was to become 100% independent,which i now disagree with.i think,also i discounted myself in some ways.though,i am stunted in some ways,there's a lot of things i have done,and have grown with,and i have some things that are more wise then the "average" person. it's not like the last years were a total waste.and,so where i'm currently at,is i do want to catch up on the areas i am stunted with,that's what I TRULY wanted all along. I want to trust myself,and trust life again.
    -doing a yoga class again was nice. i'm getting really sore from all the classes i've been taking
    -great weather today
    -seeing a friend i haven't seen in over 2 years today for brunch
    -getting our brunch comped and only needing to pay for my latte
    -how good the latte was with coconut milk. i may have tried a coconut milk latte before,(i don't remember).
    -inspiration and hearing how my friend has had setbacks,too even similar to mine such as having to go live with her father and share a room with her son at a point in her life
    -that everyone seems to think the separation from best friend will be a good thing because it'll help me grow and become more independent and give me freedom
    -feeling like a reset button's been pressed since he broke the news and like things are opening up
    -getting an invite online on a social media randomly from e's friend to a party. very strange
    -my phone
    -staying strong
    -getting some clarity on something i thought was more of a lie possibly,which was nice
    -my meds i've been taking.i think they may actually be helping

  2. #462


    -getting a call and email from a promo job today.i wanted to stop with those however,i think right now it'd good be for me just to get a paycheck again just to see myself get a paycheck again and get in the habit of it,even if it is starting kind of small,and going back to where i was dissatisfied.i figure if right now i am earning $0 then earning anything will be an improvement and THEN from there I can start making goals and trying to "feel it real" with doubling that,then doubling it again,so on and on. best friend's dad keeps urging "normal" jobs that have benefits because he sees them as more secure,but most people i know have their own businesses and even friend i met for brunch has started a business and was talking about a friend who started a business for resume editing and well even technically,i've started my own business however it's just not making money right now,so starting businesses is something very much in my circle,it's something more familiar to me. normal jobs frighten me and intimidate me and i doubt myself about getting them,yet starting my own business does not,but there's a mental hump with that. at this point,it seems i'm going to end up becoming a very,very busy person with all the various interests i have and things i do. even my therapist said i have a lot of interests.i must seem crazy! the key is just overcoming this anxiety/mental humps,and from there things would go so well.
    -the nightskies and how goregeous they were tonight
    -feeling the sun on me today and how great it felt
    -getting a little more better on driving practice test online
    -friend checking me in online
    -best friend's mom saying things about R again that seem like she doesn't really like her
    -seeing the one bill got it's payment
    -peaceful sounds

  3. #463


    -emails from pi member
    -being healthy
    -knowing i need to learn how to get busier,and handle it,and it's just a matter of adapting
    -calling back the number for the job i was offered yesterday
    -feeling a little calmer
    -imagining the possibilities
    -sending more money towards monthly bill i have
    -my phone
    -getting toenails painted
    -my body getting toned
    -best friend's mom saying we need to get me some new gym shoes since i'll be spending more time at the gym now

  4. #464


    -getting cute new pink and black and gray gym shoes today that best friend's mom took me to pick out
    -going to the movies with best friends parents after the shoes and feeling like a spoiled little kid,first best friend's dad brought me sour patches he got for me,then best friend's mom said i wanted popcorn and they got me popcorn and pop for the movie
    -doing a little driving today
    -really nice warm weather today
    -how great the sun felt today
    -how great the night air and skies felt tonight
    -meditating this morning,just like i wanted and ending it with a prayer and thinking of 5 things i'm grateful for
    -my style
    -my unique,quirky beauty
    -the citrus scone from whole foods i had for breakfast this morning. was so perfect.
    -email from S this morning

  5. #465


    -how symbolic and metaphorical life is,it really is quite interesting!
    -the delicious pizza slices i had today
    -great weather today
    -getting my writing draft done to 50% after meditating,which felt good and deciding i will now make it part of my schedule to work on writings at 9pm everyday.i like that time for working on writing.
    -having coffee and sour patches while doing a ton of driving practice tests online this afternoon. then doing more practice tests online in the evening. i'm getting better at absorbing the information
    -emails from S
    -getting more garbage taken out today
    -perspective that it's only been about 3 years of living in the area i'm in now anyways,and before that i did a lot of things while living further,and so somehow i'll be able to make it work
    -meditation today.i did about 3 short sessions today,and now in some sessions i also pray,and then think of 5 things i'm grateful for
    -doing 2 short feel it real visualization sessions while waiting for best friend's dad at the post office. i like things like this. i need to get used to doing little spiritual "exercises" throughout the day even when busy with other things,since lots of people have been far busier then me and managed to have ease manifesting and success.
    -getting more stuff moved out of the house
    -my sandals
    -my style
    -being physically attractive
    -being flexible
    -staying calm when feeling tested today by business partner,and just overall calmer in general lately. maybe it's the meds,or the meditation,or just feeling reset after all that's now gone down
    -being able to savor the little things other seem to take for granted like how great the sun felt on me today,how great the nightsky felt on me,the flavors in the pizza,the satisfaction in having things string together nicely after meditating and going to my writing draft,the visual appreciation of the shape of the trees and the color of the green leaves that reminded me of candy. feelings.i remember feeling this way back when i first discovered meditation,too. everything just felt more intense and lively.

  6. #466


    -doing yoga class tonight
    -a night walk with best friend's mom home from the gym. and how funny it was since it right after i said to best friend's dad that i wish i had a walking buddy to go for walks with,and then when we get to gym she says she walked there,and we agree we will walk home.
    -emails from S
    -smores poptarts
    -doing some driving today,though it's still very hard for me
    -getting a little more situated to staying with best friend's parents. it's starting to feel more normal. the eerie thing is though how familar it all feels,and i can't trace why that is.i wish i could. my mind's been wandering to if maybe i used to worry what would ever happen to him way back in the day when we were dating maybe? i'm not sure if that's right either,though. everything is just so weird. even how natural them starting to feel like family is,and seeing how they were like that even before,i just had my own issues. it's all a mind trip. what is going on is what's going through my head
    -the rose tea i tried. so amazing. love it
    -my style
    -my body structure.i have such a nice,stand-out perfect shape that looks both very sexy,yet sleek
    -getting my bangs cut
    -throwing out the rest of the broken chair
    -getting a response from gym director about me volunteering
    -that best friend's mom seems to dislike R as well.
    -meditating this morning

  7. #467


    -awesome song dontco sent me
    -adding prayer and gratitude at the end of my meditation sessions and doing my meditations every morning now
    -getting more of a frame of what i want to be and where i want to go
    -my sertraline meds
    -my phone
    -the internet
    -getting better at practice driving tests and passing them consistently now
    -that things seem to be moving with the volunteer position at the gym which would give me something for my resume that is "normal job" and also gets me in the door with fitness
    -S emailing me. I can't figure out what he wants,that he emails me regularly but also won't really make plans with me
    -rose tea
    -feeling a little bit better that i am getting things done and that things will be ok
    -getting a job offer on primary career.
    -my body getting nice and tight and slim and feeling strong from the classes and fitness things i've been doing
    -calmness and surrender

  8. #468


    -meditation. feels so good
    -the nice rainy weather last night and the way the air felt and the nightskies
    -remembering that no matter what happens,you can never lose you
    -being almost finished with the dishes
    -deciding to send business partner a message to find out what's up
    -staying calm
    -feeling like maybe the bike thing would still work and be an easy thing to learn to do. best friend's dad has said he will get me a second hand bike since best friend took the bike he said would be mine out of the basement recently when i wasn't here.
    -trying to see what my intuition says/what inspired actions to take. right now,so far,i have that i want to take a ballet class
    -cutting the ends of my hair last night
    -thinking about the little positive manifestations i have made throughout the years. for example,i used to have a lot of breakouts on my face and worried my skin would always be that way since i was in my 20's and this was still happening and i was always told that's an adolescent thing but once i discovered meditation,and then started going out more socially,that is actually when my skin started to clear up. very odd!

  9. #469


    -getting the volunteer front desk position. so exciting. and that it'll be a nice easy way to get in the door with a normal job also because i get to start off just shadowing others there. the manager seeming to have a nicer vibe today and seeming more uplifted and possibilities for advancement with this position and all i can learn from it and go further with it. he even said maybe sometime down the line i can tell him i want to teach a stretching for kids class as an example
    -the delicious pizza and food from old neighborhood i used to live in that i got. going there reminds me of happy,simple times since it was the neighborhood of my first apartment
    -the amazing bakery next door from the pizza shop i stopped at that had amazing treats i got a cakepop,cupcake,and macarons and all were excellent
    -doing yoga class today
    -M offering me to take a class at studio she goes to tomorrow
    -getting an answer about job on sunday. it's been cancelled which is annoying but at least i know now
    -my awesome pink sneakers
    -my beauty
    -having a nice body
    -applying to a gym job last night that was a gym i had wanted best friend to apply to before
    -joining a bunch of meetup groups last night from biking,to writing,and entrepeneurship,etc
    -joining a newsletter for writers last night after seeing an article on getting published that i liked
    -getting another draft done on writing article. i'm about 55% there,and i realize this article is important to me now.i'm actually starting to enjoy the art of writing again,too
    -doing mirror technique affirmations last night
    -a more meditative mindset lately. i found myself gazing in appreciation out the window across the room for a few seconds a a tree with violet flowers that kept catching my attention
    -new ideas on how to find jobs for first career i do

  10. #470


    -manifesting yoga certs getting brought up to best friend's mom which was something kind of in my list of intentions to manifest. it seems some things are coming along quite quickly,or at least right on time with what seems to be little resistance
    -meditation. felt so good to do it today since i missed yesterday
    -getting more dishes done
    -being able to observe things with loa and telepathy. having a lot of unintentional remote influence lately. i just think a thought,and someone brings it up. a great,easy way for me to play with loa
    -finding out place i want to go to for a class doesn't require ballet slippers when they left a message answering that even though i didnt ask that but it was something i needed to ask which was perfect
    -nice warm showers
    -cozy comfortable clothes
    -emailing myself a list of agencies for later
    -seeing more and more exe's who are best friends which just proves my point i've had for years more and more,which makes me mad now considering what best friend did,but also feeling an urging that this is telling me something,such as maybe my own doubts about society thinking it's weird,and that playing a part in things manifesting. this feels right to me.
    -more inspiration to overcome all fears and realize fear is just an illusion,no matter how much i am buying into the story at the moment
    -feeling like it's time to get over the driving fear as well,and the driving subliminal audio i started playing again
    -my body being nice and tight from the classes i've been doing and feeling stronger
    -best friend's mom's friend who remembers me from years ago when he met me and best friend when we were a couple saying we will speak again. it seems like everyone has been saying that which is really reassuring

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