1. #71


    -finding a free copy of forks over knives to watch. i appreciate some intellectual stimulation
    -D texting me today.i had a feeling he would. it bothers me in that in some moments i feel warmth towards him and even find myself still considering him despite how fake he's been to me and what he's revealed.i think part of me just likes that after all the drama he's been given by me to still stick around and the fact that he is someone who for the first time in a long time could actually be someone who would actually get in a real official relationship with me just kind of makes me wonder. but,for all i know maybe he just wants sex from me.i really cannot know anymore after how much he's fooled me and all his lies. he posted a pic tonight on his facebook and looked attractive in it and i seen a girl i know comment on one his posts and it just reminded me again of how nice it would be to have a facebook official relationship with someone and for all our mutual facebook friends to see which is stupid,but would be something that would make me happy. if i were to let him date others,while i don't because i have no interest in anyone,i'd end up resenting him later and feeling like he has all the power. it's insulting that after meeting me,he would still want to date others. and it's insulting that while on a date,he was sending me all those texts the other week.i am attracted to him but he creeps me out and we are such opposites in every way. the only thing for me to do right now is not focus on him and focus on me and my happiness and stay detached.i still haven't told him were incompatible because it hasn't come up and it's his birthday weekend. part of me would just love for him to send me a message that would make it all better,and make it all ok somehow for me to consider seeing him again but what could he possibly say. all this time it seemed like we acted like a couple with how he talked to me and how we were and now we both seem happy and detached from the other as if were just friends. life is so just feels like he has all the power now and it's so weird. he just seems so detached.
    -almond milk
    -plant based diet
    -focusing on becoming better and better in every way
    -physical exercise and the pounds i am dropping
    -the definition my abs is getting
    -toning work and how quick it makes me lose weight
    -beautiful purple roses
    -new hair color for my hair to make me look younger and more attractive
    -sweet,thoughtful comments from best friend that show how pure his soul is
    -getting all that work done last night and how inspired and into the research i was
    -healing sleep
    -getting groceries for the week today
    -new things to try
    -being smart
    -how much fitter and sexier my body is getting
    -how determined i am
    -mobile photo editing apps
    -protein water
    -my ideas
    -my interests
    -my desires
    -getting what i want
    -my accomplishments
    -my ambition
    -working on myself and improving myself
    -positive intentions
    -how amazing i am
    -that when i fall or don't do as well i always rise back up better and others looking at me in amazement and how much i've improved
    -big things that are coming
    -souls that really resonate with me
    -that i'm a winner
    -my motivation and pep.i should seriously be a cheerleader and lifecoach
    -my beauty
    -how long my hair is
    -feeling smug about something at the grocery store that happened that made me feel really really good about myself in every way
    -the people i know
    -dim lighting

  2. #72


    -a nice warm shower
    -not being frivolous today
    -an amazing idea coming to me upon waking up that has me feeling alive and best friend agreed to it,talked it out with me and it seems to be in the works! super inspired
    -feeling determined
    -friend i've been faded out with inviting me to their birthday party
    -my abs being tighter and more defined
    -another friend flirting with me
    -articles online that also think tinder is awful,and that i know guys who aren't on it,and they all happen to be the more attractive types
    -music. great music. upbeat music that keeps me determined and want to dance and get things done
    -fitness and exercise
    -my motivation and pep. i feel like a cheerleader and lifecoach
    -all my ideas
    -how young my face looks today and soft,and appreciating the tired,but feminine and young look of my face today when i had first woken up
    -how long my hair is
    -being pretty
    -how much my looks are improving right now
    -positive thoughts,positive feelings,positive actions
    -how amazingly dynamite and successful this next year will be. i'm pouring all my pain into my desires deeper then i ever have before and am starting now and have been planting those seeds since november
    -having a place to live
    -that i make my pain mean something and fuel me
    -utilizing to-do lists now
    -nothing to lose and other powerful mantras
    -healing sleep
    -honoring death
    -being young still and that age is really just a mindset
    -having a young life and young way of being
    -physical attractiveness in others
    -knowing what makes me happy
    -being a romantic and a dreamer
    -transformation and that even though this year has been the most painful year of my life,it's transformed me definitely
    -my crazy thoughts,they make me laugh sometimes. at least i'm not a boring person
    -that i leave a strong impression on others
    -that i am becoming more physically attractive
    -letting myself cry and feel my feelings. being honest with my feeling in general. my regret,my feeling foolish,etc
    -seeing others flaws as it helps me see i'm not as bad as i think and my perceptions just get skewed at times

  3. #73


    -being ok with mixed feelings. it just means there is attraction.
    -that i have good taste in attractive men
    -mason jars
    -my hair looking great today,and feeling so much healthier and gray strands peeking out being covered now
    -feeling determined and motivated today
    -beautiful colors
    -purple roses
    -work opportunities
    -the future
    -my body getting so much tighter
    -my motivation and pep
    -the signs. there was two in one day,i observed and there was some before then. something is bubbling beneath the surface plus the tarot readings i got tower! the one card the scares me and felt strange today.i have no idea what it could be and kept being set it was bad but changed my tune and decided no,i won't be negative. i'm going to be so focused on work and improving myself,i cannot be negatively affected. the signs conflict with the tarot as the tarot seemed negative but the signs are typically good so either a good and bad will happen i'm guessing or maybe the bad is good. just trying to be hopeful. maybe change is in the air.i was saying that i think even before i got the tower.
    -upbeat dance music
    -my mom coming to visit me today and being able to talk about D and show her a video of him. everytime people say he looks like a psycho or a killer,it makes me want him more! she said he has crazy eyes. those are my favorite feature of his. but,it's ok. it just means i'm attracted.
    -my mini notebook and writing out some of my ideas and to do lists. though,it made me realize i have a crazy amount of wants it almost overwhelms me. lol
    -healing sleep
    -new fashion ideas
    -feeling like my face looks attractive today
    -my abs getting in better condition.i so got this. my abs are getting better and better everyday,in every way and my dream abs are days away.
    -my pants falling off of me today. good sign of improving body. lol. where will i even be able to shop. i'm already size small in mainstream labels.
    -finding things i need
    -how positive and determined i'm feeling
    -that the me is back and ready to get into things again. so exciting.
    -the change my past meditations i did last night and how healing it is.i always have better days the next day when i do them. they heal my ocd so much.
    -how amazing i am becoming. looks,success,inner me,i am transforming so much this very moment.
    -what i can create for myself. feeling strong in mind.i can do anything and happiness is the way to everything i want. i got this.i am healing past,present,and future.i am getting everything i f------- want! this week is going to be so damn amazing.i feel it. it's electrifying and it's only the start of so much more.

  4. #74


    what a day.
    -last night,the tarot predictions manifested! my heart was broken and it turned out D lied about everything. even the one thing i had been holding onto as a well,maybe, later down the line we'll have another chanced. but after,investigating,realizing,i was wrong. he lied,yes. that hurt. but the thing made no's almost as if i shifted to another reality. and,the girl is in a relationship.and she's his good friend he went to high school with which also means she is older then me by about 6 years! there is pictures of him and his old girlfriend on her facebook page at their high school reunion a few years ago and her referencing him in old posts from years ago. she's an old pal of his! and in a relationship with a guy for a few years now. and,on the ego side of it,she's not that pretty just prettier then his other friends of his ive seen and it's nothing compared to me and what i've done,it's like would kate moss get insecure? no,she wouldn't even notice. and he had been liking her pics way before we even met i'm sure simply trying to be supportive and because he likes visual artistry as he himself has said in the past(they are all artsy makeup and dresses type pics) plus today,i seen he liked some random pic of a guy's in my facebook,too that's our mutual friend so it's not like anything weird. he has seemed to keep his word about the one thing i revealed to him when we met that had to do with our fight,too. if i would've gotten upset,and deleted him from facebook last night,that would've been so embarrassing because he may have assumed it was because of his friend and that the fight we had in october had to do with his friend which is most definitely did not and i had been hoping even though i didn't tell him exactly what it was,he had come to an assumption about it. i'm glad he never found out i got really upset last night. and,after thinking about it,i got really embarrassed i got so upset. i realized this stuff is happening for a reason to help me overcome something on a soul level. that all my friends would laugh,and have laughed at the things i've gotten insecure about because with how attractive i am,and what i've accomplished,something so small and nothing as this shouldn't even cause me to look. and,it's true. people of status equal to mine or higher don't ever get insecure or notice things i get paranoid about and are way more confident. and if i really am so attractive,i should feel it,and how insecure i was feeling last night made me feel ugly and exposed and insecure at the insecurities i've revealed to D. but,then i realized i explained to D some of my insecurities before so he knows it's not like i think so and so is better,and i said where it comes from and that luckily my freakout last night was in private and D never knew! i don't like that D lied but i don't think he meant to or had bad intentions if he did. by not freaking out and deleting him,i showed strength and that if he did that on purpose to test me,it shows confidence on my part. i'm really just trying to surrender to the experience because i feel all these buttons he pushes without meaning to is meant to accelerate my soul growth.i don't have to 100% trust him and i don't but i do need to get over stupid insecurities that make no sense especially for someone of my caliber. besides,that,it also inspired me to contact some people,get some crazy work done to propel my primary career even higher come the new year.i freaked out to several friends telling them me and D were done and that he lied about everything and there was no going back now. and i told one friend everyday i feel like i have something to prove to the world and that no one understands why,the things that prick me make no sense to them with all i've got going for me i'm the one person who doesn't need to feel that way. by the time,i surrendered to this whole experience,and felt stupid assuming so wrongly and seeing how obvious it was that this keeps popping up so i can heal an inner issue and that i feel ugly just by being insecure and that i hate how much i have revealed to D,he knows so much about me,more then some exes,well,i did text him before bed so he'd think all is normal. so,even though i wish last night didn't happen,i'm grateful i surrendered to it,realized the lesson in it,and seen how i assumed wrongly on some things.i feel more beautiful already just from that.
    -today,i woke up groggy and didn't want to wake up yet but had to make it to the salon. i responded to D's texts all seemed normal and then he made a comment showing me yay,it's time i can give him my speech now. he said we should make,i told him were incompatible. i literally had to walk out the door then,so while on the way to the salon,gave him the rest of my speech as i had remembered it,checking notes i had written too throughout the week. lol. i'm such a nerd. thankful to finally tell him all this! and,so cool is this:i checked my email and the cosmic ordering i did was due today! and,the order was,give me an excuse to give him my speech. that site is always super accurate when i make orders having to do with him. i appreciate this.
    -i appreciate my tanning bed session and that for the first time,i closed the bed a little bit since i'm more comfortable now with it. it made the effect more intense. i was in such a good mood all day! and,as soon as i came out of the bed,i felt much more upbeat and like i took a happiness pill.
    -all the laughter i had today. some guy asked me out again and after saying no,i sent him a pusheen cat in a helicopter. lol. so funny. and D texting me through the day saying he wants to explore possibilties with me and that he didn't get what he wants which is to get to know me and that he hasn't asked out a bunch of girls and still isn't and i said a funny comment and he said something it's true and i sent him a laughing text and was on the floor laughing he didn't get why i was so amused so i told him it's all good and that we can still keep in touch and maybe someday he can explore the possibilties of my body and you never know,right and he said haha sure. and then said he'd like to make plans with me and i told him he misunderstood my text and he said no he didn't and that he told me what he wants.i then ignored him and showed him a pic of my liquid diet for dinner. at this point,i think were talking and friendly. the best thing is,i don't care as much now. in some ways,maybe it's better this way. if a guy can put up with my craziness for this long,maybe it's exactly what i need. maybe him is exactly the thing to conquer what i usually do with guys which is push them away like crazy until they go away and he hasn't gone away yet.
    -messaging A last night. during my freakout when i thought i'd never talk to D again. damn,that's twice in a getting more comfortable talking to him on my own.i even just like the talking not hoping to see him. I had liked A so much that it's almost like it's too much for us to meet up but better to take it super super slow. at first,he responded i thought being rude thinking is he still mad at me for this year with how he responded. but,then he messaged back later and seemed nicer. i got positive tarots on the situation if that means anything.
    -if nothing else,i can admit i'm attracted to D and he inspires me.
    -getting more work done today and not being too bummed out that certain work thing for tomorrow seems to possibly be not happening now...trying to just really surrender. also,seeing how quick things get done when i'm happy and focused thus giving me even more free time! love it.
    -a delicious raw vegan blueberry smoothie. tastes better then banana and such lovely color
    -a lovely pasta dinner with carrots and bread. love carbs and vegetables
    -the workouts i've done so far today,and the improvement in my abs. love it.and finding a third ab routine i will add to my diet.
    -my primary job as a -----. it makes me amazing and incorporates so many things all into one making it a dream job,and most guy's dream girl
    -how healthy my hair looks
    -that things in life can change. if you feel fat one day,you can lose the fat and become better. nothing is static.
    -being thin. being thin is one of the most important things,as long as you stay thin,and keep trying to be thinner,you will always be ok. it photographs better and looks more chic,young,and healthy
    -feeling a little more connected to life. probably can credit the solar plexus work to that from all the ab work
    -sleep. so good. really appreciate sleep lately
    -a logo for new secret business that's really going to help my first primary job and it's so super cute and high end looking and can really bring in the money for me finally
    -how amazing 2015 is going to be and all the seeds i've planted
    -a movie i wanted to watch being available for free on streaming. it was a really cute movie and reminded me of me and D actually. there was a really erotic scene i enjoyed too that reminded me of me and D where the main character is told to bend down and take off her bottom half of her clothes and she's in a position of ultimate submission and he's so turned on by her body and that she did it that he cant control how turned on he and starts touching himself to her. i didn't think i'd like the movie but it was pretty hilarious and actually very sweet,too.
    -knowing how important positive keywords are. ever since i want to change my abs and am now saying i love doing my abs,i really do look forward to doing them,knowing how it's making my abs looks. to me,it's the equivalent of putting on makeup,except doing it more often and regimented then makeup. if you hate doing this or that,and say that to yourself,how do you expect to have the willpower to keep doing it?
    -getting a lot of signs today for some reason.i have no idea what's going to happen.
    -finding out a lot of vegan foods i want to try are actually at a store i used to shop at that i avoided since i lost someone close to me since it reminded me of her too much,but i am going to try and go back there again this week just for one trip. as long as it's not every week,i think it's ok
    -how much my vegan diet has become more abundant over time. at first,i had no idea what i'd eat but was determined to do it to honor a loved one who died and to hopefully have an easier time trying to have an OBE and other spiritual experiences so i can try and visit her. i looked to it as a challenge to start a new diet from the ground up. and over time,the foods i eat,grew in variety more,and more,and continue to do so. though,i still get occasional cravings for pizza or cheese,to me it's as gross as eating meat now and i know the actual taste of it,will make me want to throw up if i tried to fulfill the craving.i did have this happen once,too. i never in my life thought i'd be vegan but it's brought me so much mind clarity,and fitness motivation to really change my body,and a reawakened interest in animal advocacy. so,that is something i really appreciate. i guess that is a big thing for this year for me.i underestimate it since it's just food,but it really is so much more.
    -ah,i'm just in a really appreciative mood for some reason right now. maybe it's the fact that the year is closing so it's a time to reflect. it's been a dang hard year.but these last two months have had a lot of momentum.
    -and,i'm really grateful for D. idk why. he's creepy. but,i feel genuine warmth towards him. it's odd. he asked me out in september. and it's been an interesting unfolding since then. it's hard to believe it's been that long. there was such an innocence back then.summer had just ended.i'm starting to feel like D thinks i'm the immature one now and i feel like he is the strong one. it's an annoying feeling to feel like a baby and like D is a man and has the control. for some time now,it's been like my inner child is screaming and resisting him,like go away,i'm not surrendering to you,i'm not giving in to you. and i can feel myself wanting to hide. but,then in person he acts completely aloof and like a dummy. i don't like him.
    Last edited by buttercup; 10th December 2014 at 09:37 AM.

  5. #75


    not a perfect day some edginess but perhaps that was the polarity of the day being overall high vibration
    -talking to D again alll day,possibly the most we've texted in a day.i don't know how this happened. maybe it's just the thrill of the chase,but i admitted to a friend i can't help it,i like him.i don't even remember what we talked about today but it seemed mostly normal,i think about us stuff.he said later he thinks i want him to like me so much that it tortures him to which i got offended thinking he thought i was conceited then he said he's just a tortured soul lately. the sweetest thing he said today was word play.i love word play. he said "i want you to want anything from me." lol super was after i told him i don't want anything from him. we talked all day,and it seemed in flow. he then implied he had a date but it was after i said i had plans.i told him how we'd make great friends and he said he doesn't like being friend zoned so he will just keep trying.i later then said to him have fun tonight,hope he gets laid and he replied the only possibility of that happening is if it's with me. lol. omg. what is happening? it sounds like were in a relationship?i didn't reply and was running late and then later as i walked in the door,minutes later,he texts me. it definitely was out of pattern for him. he doesn't text me at that hour on weekdays usually. like,was he checking on me? he asked how my night was. i said really fun and he seemed to mirror me with his response of how his time was,too. he does this a lot.he kept texting me a lot. quicker then normal and he's usually quick.he was calling me babe again and saying he misses me. lol.
    -my event today. yay. i didn't get my details until today and assumed it was off until i awoke and got three emails of details. it made me in a really good mood to get out there again and do was fun being at the trendiest nightclub in my city and the honor i had of doing my was a big opportunity. and seeing it went through and what i was amongst was really gratifying. it's awkward being in charge but so nice to be given opportunities like this. it makes me feel very good. and listening to amazing music and just being in a club again was so fun and also the nice people and that everything worked out.
    -getting a picture for my instagram from event that checked off several pic ideas i had and all the likes i got.i was surprised by how many people liked the pic,and high end people,too. i have some things going for me to have a more high end instagram that's for sure.
    -feeling prettier today. since i colored my hair,i changed my part to not be on the side and it looked good,and i changed my makeup slightly less heavy and just felt much prettier. my outfit worked. and i found old shoes never wore much to wear as new for the winter that's a style i was unsure of for me all these years but actually works very well on me. grateful for resourcefulness. new style for winter. grateful
    -my sweet shyness. it makes me uniquely attractive and memorable
    -tanning beds and how much they boost my mood
    -inspiration and meeting cool people. the person i booked today had such a cool day job of being an art therapist to sexually abused children.i thought that was so amazing.
    -kellogs protein cereal. so good.this cereal has really grown on me.
    -almond milk
    -high protein foods
    -water and how much it boosts my mood
    -midnight snacks
    -being realistic if a day is too busy and my workout can't get fitted in fully.
    -how curvy my backside is. it's kinda funny to me but my shape is so hourglass and working out and weight loss accentuates that. i got some backside. which is good,it'll make the men happy. lol
    -my style
    -black clothes and basics that can be repeated many times creating style efficiency
    -nice pictures of me
    -pronoia and changing my thoughts
    -my pep,motivation,and determination
    -living a sexy life
    -feeling more free
    -getting a ride from best friend and not caring what other people think. it's dangerous in the city lately for a woman and i'd rather be safe even at the cost of being judged as a princess or a player.
    -my confidence with doing things most people would be too scared to do
    -living a fashionable life

  6. #76


    -feeling overall good today
    -getting coffee and pastries today
    -d and i talking again a lot today. he creeps me out.i told a friend i'm calling it now that if he chops off my head or is abusive,she heard it now from me and i repeatedly was saying this.we talked a lot today though he seemed to have gotten jealous at something which makes two days in a row i sensed jealousy from him. he claimed he had a headache after i said something. maybe he did have a headache or maybe i gave him the headache. he seemed flirty with me and hinting more things showing me books he is buying. sex books. i was just amused but later i googled and it's some interesting book choices he has. i've thought this before and am even more convinced now he is studying me. the books he wants to buy happen to have to do with issues having to do with me. i'm wondering if he is literally researching things based on things i've told him about me being sexually repressed and timid and the issues i have and things i've been through. it's like he is determined to figure me out and already planning to have sex with me. he may know me better then i know me in some ways from all the research he seems to be doing on me.i've been trying to show him my issues little by little to push him away but nothing is stopping him. he keeps talking to me and seems just as interested and the last two days we've been talking a lot. he then picked a fight with me in the afternoon claiming i hurt him saying his fear of being alone is silly and seemed really upset. to me,it seemed like he was manipulating me based on things i had said earlier. of all the things,and things he's said to me,he gets offended by that? it seemed fake. like he was testing me. kind of creepy. but i apologized and explained myself after getting really honest with him what i think. all then seemed fine,and then i texted him saying he won't figure me out and i'm onto him. he acted very normal. i then texted him things saying i created pinterest wedding boards,and that we should move to so and so place and we'd have beautiful children and that i used a pic generator to morph our pictures together,to which he then started playing along with me. even calling me babe again. so,that didn't work.
    -new instagram followers from my pic last night
    -feeling sexier and sexier lately
    -overall positive mood today
    -all the toning exercises and how great it makes me feel like i can eat a little fat and not feel bad. and how sexy it makes me feel and strong. my butt is looking curvier. my body more hourglass yet slimmer. my stomach tighter. i have a very very sexy body when i workout right.and,really i should be grateful because my body is so close to there compared to other people who have more work to do,more weight to lose,etc. for me,it's mostly toning that is key to transforming my body and it's giving me results very quickly
    -feeling more fearless
    -letting go more of the 'what ifs.'
    -the openness i feel to life. maybe all the crazy ambition i've been having combined with solar plexus chakra work going on from ab work
    -how toned and tight and sexy my body is getting
    -feeling a little more attractive
    -positive responses to the people i've contacted for work things
    -getting some work done
    -things aligning pretty quickly. just need to keep up the momentum
    -how good my body looks in yoga pants and short skirts
    -my boots i can wear through winter when going out
    -being physically attractive
    -being fashionable
    -being a nonconformist
    -having unique views on things
    -being a detached person
    -that although i worry d is less ambitious and more complacent then i usually like in guys,he has done a lot of cool things in his life besides a lot of big travel,i found out he's done something on my bucketlist back about 10 years ago so he has done cool things and lived. he just seems more simple now,which in fact,is something i notice in some older guys i've dated. they lived a lot in their 20's,super fully and have stories then in their late 20's and thirties started to calm down and be a little more settled which actually makes me wonder about myself now that i'm not 21 anymore i hope i'm not getting complacent and that's the reason i've felt more mature these last two years and a little less why bother trying. i have matured but i don't want to stop having crazy experiences or stop growing.i remember D said i'm a dreamer on our first date.i hope i never stop being a dreamer.i want to honor my pain by continuing to go for it.i know that's the key to peace,happiness and understanding of the painful things and coming close to what i've lost.

  7. #77


    im a bit psychic and i just get a sense this guy doesnt care for you that much. enjoy the chase if you will but dont set yourself up for sadness.

  8. #78


    Quote Originally Posted by buzzcock View Post
    im a bit psychic and i just get a sense this guy doesnt care for you that much. enjoy the chase if you will but dont set yourself up for sadness.
    i don't think he does either based on our responses but regardless i'm not taking him very seriously myself.i am a bit physic myself and honestly i'm kind of using,though using isn't the right word,but using him for growth. he seems to keep pulling things out of me that is either inspiring me or making me think so i find it interesting. i have no idea if i'm a toy to him or what but i've decided in the last few days to surrender to the experience and stop fighting it. as for doesn't care for me that much,it would depend on what you mean,in what sense. as a person as in he wouldn't care if i got hit by a car? i completely disagree. i get a warm energy from him. as for my feelings? in some senses,i think he is a more detached person. i am a water sign in astrology and he is a fire sign though i have a lot of fire placements as well. if you mean,it seems he just wants sex/the conquest? that could be true. though,he also just has a very high sex energy and feels validated by being told he is wanted sexually. men and women are different. it's a thing to keep in mind. regardless,i don't even know how much i like him.

  9. #79


    Quote Originally Posted by buzzcock View Post
    im a bit psychic and i just get a sense this guy doesnt care for you that much. enjoy the chase if you will but dont set yourself up for sadness.
    unless you are sensing he is abusive or psycho? because these are things i've been feeling as well.

  10. #80


    -how amazing i feel
    -these amazing binaural subliminal audios for abundance and prosperity. so good and soothing
    -water and how amazing vibration raising it is when i drink alot of it
    -mason jars
    -feeling very happy when i seen myself dressed in a reflection and how much my body has changed. it was almost exactly what i want.i felt so much more confident and like i had the body i had years ago again. not that i even thought i gained weight. but all the toning work has made my clothes fit sexier and my stomach look flatter and i just feel so much more confident,its like there is a springtime in me. my body type responds best with more substantial toning work and less cardio since i'm genetically lean. the toning is what is making me look slimmer and be slimmer and sculpting my body. i repressed toning for so long for fear of getting big but in fact,it's the toning that makes me slimmer. if only i had been more toning focused years ago. it's only been a little over a week and i already notice definite results.i am soo soooo grateful.
    -realizing i don't need to go super high protein but just not super low protein. this is easier to do.
    -D and i seemed normal today.i did feel more attached slightly. he said he was going to the gym to get sexy for me. which made me laugh. i asked him a random question which seemed to throw him off and i explained myself more but then it seemed he blew me off and just texted saying sorry for the delay and at the gym and then just replying to another thing i said.i hate when he does this because it's pretty obvious he isn't intending to respond to all i said. every once in awhile he does this and i notice it's when i send longer or higher amounts of texts in a row and it has to do with things he's already said.
    -protein water
    -going for a nice drive with best friend. it really rejuvenated me!
    -putting myself out there more and contacting people,not just work wise,but socially. today,i randomly messaged a friend from this year on facebook. it's not like me to contact people,i usually wait to be contacted but it feels good to do and makes me feel a little more connected
    -food and the nourishment it provides
    -how hard my nails are
    -protein water
    -another amazing,well it didn't feel amazing at the time,it's now in hindsight it's amazing,it was mundane in the moment,of seeing how wrongly i assume! for the worst.and seeing back in october the the thing i assumed with D that i still never told him what,i very likely assumed wrongly again for the worst after finding out another piece of info that didn't come from him.i've assumed wrong about many things in fearful ways and it hasn't served me. people are more innocent then we think. the only bad thing about assuming is i wonder if i've assumed positives too and am wrong. but,i rather adopt a somewhat pronoia mindset at least. it's kind of amazing because it's in a more positive vibration today's thing happened. D is not perfect but some of the petty stuff i feared back in october has been wrong. i also remember worrying he was poking girls on facebook to flirt because that's how we first started talking but on our date he said he pokes everyone even guys because he finds that feature ridiculous in how ambiguous it is and it's true, and i agree and believe him about that and it's not like he poked me once and asked me out,he poked me randomly and we kept poking back and forth for a week then he chatted me so that's even more of an authentic story. he was poking random people to be silly and i kept poking back which i'm sure surprised him so he decided he should talk to me and get to know his poking friend and then asked me out. and plus he was really nervous doing so,it was obvious he was very nervous in our first chats.and,well the other day,i seen a guy post on his facebook a pic about who will win the poking war him or the guy posting. D has a lot of friends and is a more free spirited person and i'm not uncomfortable with that. it's nice that the more i am getting to know him,the more i am seeing i assumed wrongly for the worst about him. and yes,i'm happy that he isn't doing really silly creepy things on facebook to try and get girls.i should've known better then to think he would do that.i really think him and i just got entwined randomly. i am going to enjoy the connection now and it's sweetness and worry less about things. it's been a long time since we first started chatting. who knew back in september we'd end up here? it's kind of beautiful.i was thinking about that this morning..about where did the time go. it's already december. but,then i can say that about many of my connections. the time goes by so fast and it's in the moments and before you know it your looking back at a little story.i'm grateful i've gotten to know D.
    -chatting with a friend right now who is mad at me making me realize D and i actually do fit. never thought i'd say that.
    -stress release and relaxation
    -how new things feel in life
    -feeling the ok-ness of everything in life
    -business partner offering to set up email domain and pay
    -getting answers to questions i had
    -getting some work done today
    -infusing joy into my work and how excited i am for what i do and loving what i do
    -being love and feeling love. my heart chakra feels so full
    -my spiritual side
    -the people i know and the people i meet
    -knowing i'm doing something important in my life
    -wanting others to smile and be happy
    -seeing little things come together
    -seeing law of attraction come together with little things
    -how high my vibration is
    -how beautiful i am
    -my goals
    -feeling love,being love

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