*Background - I'm at my mom's place and living right next to her tenants , I'm lately (for the span of say previous 2/3 months) picking up what I can best describe as uncomfortable vibes , particularly auditory ones.I try to aim for a polite invisibility , that lets everyone get done what is it they want done in the place they are in , but garnering the sensation the gesture isn't being returned.
*Our Shared living is such that we have wall where my wardrobe is and a door separating us , in summers with the fan and the air conditioning on there's a natural white noise kind of thing , that blurs out , the noise you are making in your ambient place of whatever sort of your room.Summers aren't truly here yet and I play music , sometimes with headphones or sometimes with low volume or like today put just white noise on.
I feel like as if being monitored by the amount of light or sound in my current place of living by the people living next to me.People use the "term cramp my style" , what the term means is that your ability to work by being alone doing your own thing by yourself is being impinged upon by someone else's presence or oversight.
*An honest reality check : I take a lot of coffee (makes me paranoid) and sometimes a stimulant medication for study (again makes me paranoid) , sometimes to wind down my wired up system I toke up , (again mj makes me paranoid) ;but then's there's also the reality that I've done of all of this before but didn't the uncomfortable sensation of being "thought" about before.
*I know there's a distinct possibility there's could be a cumulative paranoia at play with the concoction I'm , but I'm also distinctly aware of the fact that a).I can pick vibes pretty well b).I'm razor-sharp at reading people by demeanor , voice or gesture (I have seen only two of the tenants living next) others I haven't or met even once.
*I'm going up into the hills by myself for a a couple of days (forcing myself , to travel independently is a definite wanting of mine, also the isolation there I'm sure will cease paranoia and the sense of picking up things that are reacting to my cues , like , lights , sounds , people who come in or my friends or what we talk about .
But I much rather do whatever I do and be hated for it than do something I hate and being loved for it.and all this isn't making that easier.
*I used to be very very good at putting out the vibe "leave me be" or "this unit prefers self company" , I guess my ability to make an impenetrable cube around has me has waned and things are just creeping in.
I'm so tired with everything going on (not a sob morsel to gain sympathy) that to meditate on making isolation cubes , cutting ties and all the energy and meditation work of doing that will leave me drained and I won't make an effective cube ( or give up half way).
Any suggestions will be very helpful.
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