Phoenix's Journal

[PhoenixAndTheAbyss]

30 May 2017, 10:45pm

I must have been bitten by the procrastination bug because today was the least motivated I have felt in a couple of weeks. Days like today I get to the end and wonder where the day went, I can't recall most of what I did to the effect that I wonder if I was even conscious for most of it. I just looked at interesting things on the web and finished it off with watching 8 episodes of a show I was just introduced to by a youtube vid. I can't help but feel that something is bugging me and this is how I'm dealing with it, but I dont know. By some grace some part of me still wants to journal even at this hour.

Nothing done besides looking after the animals and making dinner. Kitchen is a real mess at the moment, too. And a huge white-tip tried to devour me as I was sitting on the couch minding my own business, that was probably the quickest I have moved today, scratch that, all week.

[PhoenixAndTheAbyss]

11 Nov 2017, 12:20am

Hi, welcome to the future. Did you notice it is now November, not May? That was quick.

Life has continued to unfold and I've managed to stay afloat. It's hardly possible to capture everything that has been happening, especially the subtle and forgotten states of mind long gone, but here are the broad strokes. I've been supporting myself and have been generally content, I think.

I picked up some extra work bartending which turned into a job switch because the previous bar I was working at closed it's doors and it was as quick and painless as I could have hoped for. I have been enjoying the change of workplace, I'm working with more people and more people my age, some I've known previously, it's been good fun. More people working here means I can actually work casually, that, along with a reduction in my duties has relieved a good deal of stress, I've been realising. I constantly felt like I had to take it up a notch at my previous job which had different requirements, which on reflection I'm not yet suited for. I knew there were going to be challenges going in, things that I hadn't done before, things that I knew were going to be difficult. By all accounts I did fine, but the daily struggle was real and I felt like I was unable to find a sure footing the entire time I was there, It was a great experience otherwise.

I have been spending more time with friends and family which I feel has had a positive impact on my general mood, despite my continuing issues with motivation/depression.

All in all I'm greatful to be in a stable situation at the moment.

[PhoenixAndTheAbyss]

29 Dec 2017, 9:27pm

The theme of the last four days since xmas has been all about resistance. I have been becoming more aware of the role resistance has been playing in my life.

The rise in the resistance I've been feeling is noticable against the backdrop of the last couple of months where I have felt generally content and comfortable with the way things have been moving. For the last week or so, though, I have felt very slightly off-kilter. On Boxing Day too, resistance was present when I was needed to do some yard work, and it took wo days to work up to doing some wipper-snipping. That sort of resistance, I haven't felt for a while, I think because I have been working and not doing much else, or getting lost in a hobby or some other distraction, that I haven't really felt put upon by my circumstances.

The interesting thing though, is that I feel equiped to deal with how I'm feeling now. The last six-ish months I've felt small incremental changes in my outlook and in my responses to life's happenings, and while I can't exactly remeber how I got to this point, there are a few things that stick out as having helped. In no particular order, I serendipituously stumbled on the work of Gary Webber on Youtube and subsequently his blog and book on happieness-beyond-thought.com, started a meditation practice in November after reclaiming a room from mess, it became a nice quiet place for sitting. Before-hand I was meditating infrequently and through practice found a very stripped down meditation that was helping with stress and anxiety. That is actually all I can remember currently. Everything else that has happened I feel has been as a result of these things. Garry Webbers writting on self-inquiry was particularly helpful for me but I no doubt picked up other tidbits that have been working for me. Meditation has been great in allowing me to deal with a lot of anxiety and offered me the chance to respond to life from a less reactionary more balanced and thoughtful perspective, as a result I have felt more secure in my relationships with others, and have managed to maintain some sense of emotional stability and personal fulfilment.

My past experience with self-inquiry has been a bit hit-and-miss and I dont think I ever understood what it was trying to convey until now but if I have a good understanding now, then it is the easiest thing ever. Firstly you don't have to be anything other than a regular person or have anything other than some patience maybe if you dont already have it, because the process is super ordinary. In actual fact, if you have ever tried to solve a problem in your life you have done the sister to self-inquiry which is simply 'inquiry'. With self-inquiry though the problem is you This is a false dichotomy but helps to give an idea of what sort of 'problems' we are dealing with. Self-inquiry describes a process of questioning(your brain is forced to condider the question), revolving around the things we attach to ourselves, to produce insight about those things. It's possible, like I did, to get hung up on the whole insight part. If I have it right, there is nothing tinky-woo about the nature of insight, because self-inquiry is just like regular inquiry/problem solving/thinking about stuff. It's easy to get caught up in assuming that insight is appearing out of thin air or from some other dimension, I think, because of our black-box like nature, which is just like saying that we don't in general have the ability to peek under the covers of our own existence to see all of the spectacular biological machinery at work. But that is okay because we have the ability to ask for information or for a problem to be solved by those inaccessable parts of ourselves and have it return into our conciousness as if by magic! 1 + 1 = ?

Experience with solving those logic problems I mentioned earlier in the year and of recent self-inquiry has shown to me the parallels between regular problem solving and self-inquiry and supports the idea that they are the same thing the only difference being the object of inquiry.

My most recent and perhaps first success to date using self-inquiry took place in the weeks leading up to christmas this year where I found myself amongst people I'd just met the same night, I was tending the bar for their company christmas party and halfway throught the night they started doing karaoke... TO BE CONTINUED

30 Dec 2017, 12:28am

There was about 8 of them singing out of the 15 that stayed past dinner, having a great time, they do karaoke every christmas party apparently, I hadn't seen a group so comfortable with each other previously, it created a nice atmosphere to be near. Though it wasn't long until one of them asked if I'd like to do a song. My immediate response was to say 'No thanks', I felt very nervous about the idea of getting up in front of everyone and singing a song I probably only knew half of the lyrics to (can't remember lyrics to save my life), and left it at that. But it was a pretty quiet night behind the bar, and I was quite conscious of the nervousness I had just felt at the prospect of singing karaoke, so I found myself thinking about it. I thought about actually getting up and singing a song but was met with a feeling of resistance and at some point I thought to myself that it would be a good opportunity to practice some self-inquiry with the aim of alleviating my anxiety enough to get up there and sing a song, plus they were all having a good time, it made me feel like joining in. I tried a few variations on questions but settled on something like "Do I need to be anxious about singing karaoke tonight?". I kept testing that resistance and asking the question in the same vein as if I were solving a problem, with deep consideration. Now, it's hard to convey everything that I was doing or experiencing, but I think it's important to convey that there is some element of discovery involved in the process, discovering the question that feels right, mulling everything over, it's not precise. You may, and are allowed to have thoughts, that is your mind at work, you will be recollecting things and making connections. It is when you have noticed that you are off-track thinking of something irrelevant, or just lost your train of thought that you should come back to the question, it is a point of focus, not a magic incantation, there is work to be done and you are telling your brain that this is important enough to spend energy on everytime you refocus your efforts.

I noticed a relaxed feeling start to appear during the process of self-inquiry punctuated by short sharp feelings of resistance as I tested and asked and let simmer. I was asked again by another person if I would like to have a go singing and I found my response was less certain this time "Uhhhh nah, no thank you, I'm alright.". At some point I started to think about what song I'd do and imagining what it would be like to sing it, and actually found myself enjoying doing it, in my head. I thought about how the group would smile at my attempt at a high note, and felt that they were encouraging me. This was spontaneous, I was feeling relaxed and happy, but still a little nervous. It was time to begin shutting down the bar, when someone asked a third time if I really wouldn't like to get up there and have a go, and I said "Yeah, I probably should." The next minute I had picked out a song(didn't have the one I was thinking of, so I settled on a christmas carol) and the mic was in my hand, the song came on, and I started singing. Felt like magic and it was good fun too, although I wasn't enirely comfortable I still enjoyed it. After the song was done I declined to do another song and quickly gave the microphone to someone else, but still left with a smile and victory firmly in hand.

Here I am now four days after xmas, and I feel ready to tackle the biggest source of unhappieness that has been a part of my life for the majority of the last decade, the generalised resistance I feel to so many of the things that life throws at me. I've come to realise that I have spent so many years trying to get away from everything. Hindsight is a beautiful thing. I isolated myself for years after I dropped out of school, tried to think as little as possible, fantasised about living as a hermit in the aussie bush, self-suficient, away from everything and everyone, the ultimate escape. It wasn't for five years until the stakes became too high to continue that life and I finnally got some professional help and started the slow climb to where I am now.

The last four days have seen some serious self-inquiry, two to three hours a day combined with continued practice throughout the day. I have found a question for now which is, "Can I let go of all resistance?", "Can I allow myself to let go of all resistance?" and I had a little yes last night, on par with the times I have spontaneously let go in the past, I felt a little giddy thinking that I could just let go of it, that I didn't need it anymore, imagining what life would be like without it, it's hard to know. When we were all trying to decide in school what to do in life, I had such a hard time choosing what role I would play, I don't think I ever thought I would end up here, or that my path would look like this.

[PhoenixAndTheAbyss]

10 Jan 2018, 9:44pm

I have been continuing to inquire into the question "Can I let go of all resistance?" since my last entry. I have managed to keep almost a daily practice of at least 30mins - 1hour, with some days of two or even three hours of dedicated time for self-inquiry. Sometimes I will recall the inquiry throughout the day and will take a short time to continue the practice as well. Here are some observations.

There have been times when the question is clear and also times when it seems sort of meaningless, even in the one sitting this will occur where I connect with it and have a better idea of what I am asking of myself and then after a while the question will seem foreign and sometimes just irrelevant.

My interpretation of the question changes a lot, sometimes referencing a situation that just happened, or a general feeling in the body or mind, or encompassing a past time.

My mind has been busy on occasion with thoughts about: What is meant by resistance, Whether I am resisting or not in that moment, What does resistance look like, What would it be like to be without resistance, and more as I found myself questioning the question itself. My mind has also been silent to varying degrees, sometimes I question if anything is even happening in my head.

My take on the process so far is that I'm still trying to fully understand just what it is I am asking, but I feel like my understanding is deepening.