23 May 2017, 8:45pm

My mind was pretty busy today, I felt less relaxed and I think because the last couple of days have been pretty good my expectations were getting a little high. There were a few times when I thought to do something and the energy just wasn't there, and it elicits a sort of automatic response from me where I struggle for a bit against that block or like an emptyness where I'd expect to find some sort of drive. When that happens repeatedly that struggle adds up and I start to feel noticably stressed. I pretty much woke up and started 'struggling' with getting out of bed and getting the day started, so I tried to reach out to that space I've been in for the last couple of days, just closed my eyes again, tried to relax, my attention turned to the sounds I could hear and the feeling of laying in bed, the cat purring on the bed. When I opened my eyes I noticed the way the morning light shone into the room and for a moment the struggle was gone, I layed there for a few more moments and then thought about getting up and I could have sworn I felt a hint of hesitation but I was already pushing myself up and then I was off, getting dressed and out to the kitchen to put the kettle on. I wasn't able to really reconnect with that feeling for the rest of the day, I got tripped up in my thoughts about the whole thing. I struggled a little throughout the day, not a lot but enough to feel different from yesterday and certainly the day before that.

I was also seeking more distractions today, and I wasn't sure how to handle these moments. The struggle I had getting out of bed and the way it disolved so quick left me with some questions, and I was thinking that the relaxing and accepting of the moment was what helped, that when my attention was focused on other things I wasn't focused on the struggle, maybe? But the whole acceptance thing was tripping me up, like, what does it mean to accept the current moment? I've had meditations in the past where the aim was to abide in the moment, and a lot of the time I'd be focused on accepting the moment so much that it turned into a form of non-acceptance in a way where my thoughts took crowded out the moment itself. So I was running with the idea that my thoughts about wether I should allow myself to be distracted or entertained were the thing causing the struggle, and I thought I'd do a bit of an experiment and just let myself do these things and see how it turned out, the short of it is I ended up spending a large portion of the day watching gameplay vids and some other things, but mostly the former. It's not lost on me that yesterday I said I'd try to not do just that, oh well, new days new challenges. Perhaps it was wishfull thinking but I was hoping that if I accepted that this was how I felt and that it was what I was motivated to do, then I could let it happen and that would satisfy that need for a distraction. I did stop watching, but only because the sun was going down and it was time to put the rugs on the horses and feed them, which is harder to do in the dark. So not a success but I'm not going to call the general approach a failure yet either, I don't think the proof is there yet.

I think a reason why I had busier thoughts and a harder time staying collected is because I realised yesterday afternoon that I'll be going back to work sooner than I previousy thought, which makes me a little concerned because if im honest a part of me doesn't think that I'm ready. Which adds a sense of urgency to that familiar struggling. I'm also relived too because money has been tight since I used up my savings after loosing work during the first quarter of this year, it'll be nice actually. I'm anxious but also excited. And worst case I'll just stumble along like I have done in the past. It would just be nice to have more enjoyable days than hard ones. Anyway I'm going to try and cross that bridge when I get there and chill out in the mean time. Also relieved due to not having to look for a new job, which has been nothing short of impossible and involved a lot of procrastination and therefore stress and anxiety.

Beyond all that I didn't do a whole lot more than the basics today. I definately must go shopping soon.

Slept pretty good too last night, that walk did me some good, not going to bed on an empty stomach probably also helped too. Didn't manage a walk today though.