21 May 2017, 7:30pm

Today was different from the past week where I have felt anxious and restless, I felt calm and relaxed. Last night I didn't sleep all to well, I kept waking up and feeling agitated I think, and then the smoke detector periodically beeped through the late morning untill I got up and took the battery out, the battery must be getting flat.

Last week I was trying to get to the bottom of why I am lacking in motivation, which I've been feeling to various degrees over the last however many years. I occasionally find a method that I think will fix me, and spend some time trying to get it to work. But something else comes along or the motivation to keep trying just disolves and then later on I find myself questioning why my motivation is gone all over again. The method is one I must have tried in the past because it comes from Adyashanti's teachings and I have been following them for many years now, it is essentially what he calles Meditative Inquiry. The method is to come to a mental space where you are holding creative tension or a sense of unresolvedness concerning a question such as 'what is life?' and stay there in that feeling until some insight arrives. The key to this method is not accepting an answer unless you feel that it is the absolute truth.

So I've been trying all sorts of things over the years to find or restore my motivation, but here I am still. I've been struggling to keep up with my responsibilities and all the things that life demands. I sometimes feel ashamed and guilty and anxious that I am a burden or that I'm not giving what I feel is my all at work and yet I still dont have the motivation to take the necessary measures. It's quite a conundrum.

Any way I pretty much broke down yesterday and the day before because I sat on the couch for days trying to hold this creative tension, I started off in reletively high spirits but couldn't stay in that space very easily by the end, so I was feeling a bit down, compounding that was some things I wanted to do but couldn't work myself up to do them. So Im feeling hopeless and restless at this point and I think I've sunk a bit deeper this time than I have in recent memory...

Que a couple of days of task avoidance, just ended up floating through facebook and watching vids on youtube. I cant recall if I did much else, maybe a little. I was feeling at a loss, just what the hell am I supposed to do? I cant do anything else, Im done, Im going to be like this for the rest of my life. General negativity ensues.

Which brings me to last night, I finished watching a long gameplay pretty late close up and just lay with kitty on the couch for a while, I dont have a clue, he is just sleeping. Its pretty uncomfortable trying to accomodate him on the couch so I wake him up and we potter off to bed. attempting to sleep but for some reason keep imagining what it would be like if i was hallucinating and couldnt differeniate between reality and my hallucinations, I kept waking up throughout the night and remember feeling fed up (not really agitated), still.

Must have come to terms with the possibility that this may very well be my whole future overnight. feel like I've been here before though. spent the day pretty relaxed, it didnt feel wrong, I am the only one at the house for the next week so maybe that is a factor. fixed up the animals and washed and hung some of the pile of clothes that is in my bedroom without much fuss though, more than I've done over the past three days. also watered mum's plants.

I felt pretty calm today, sat on the couch for most of it but felt good just looking around the room and sitting with my thoughts, didnt have a strong desire to be entertained and only cracked open my laptop to write this journal entry, the first, and to check if I had any messages.

I wanted to start journaling a couple of weeks ago after being reintroduced to it by something I was reading, and tonight just felt like a nice place to start.

I dont recall having reached this level of acceptance about my whole situation before, maybe it will stick around.