Please clear this mess up for me

[KnowNothing]

I have really no clue about kundalini or anything.
My dad was very into that kind of things, but I never knew him really due to different issues.
After he died I started gettin panic attacks, extreme ones and overwhelming thoughts, I was sure I was going nuts.
was Depersonalized/Derealized for weeks even months, then I got normal again for awhile, learned about Law of Attraction etc. but it got to overwhelming for me, then 1 year after my panic attacks I started getting extreme panic attacks again, and suddenly started obsessing about losing my soul(is this even possible? would I still be alive if so?) I even visualized it once, and suddenly thought it was true, and now I'm completely emotionally numb, my ego is like numb, I have no clue why, I want my ego, some ego is healthy. I want my emotions, life ain't worth living with out emotions.
Now I can't feel fear or joy, AT ALL, I could be hit by a train and not give a damn.
Somehow I found that this could be a symptom of Kundalini, I dont even know wtf kundalini is, all I know is that I need my emotions and life back, I'm only 18 and are scared this will mess up my whole life.

So my questions is:

Does this sound like kundalini?
Is my ego "dead" forever?
Is my emotions gone forever?
Can you lose your soul?

Someone PLEASE help me out

[Nnonnth]

Hey KN;

Does this sound like kundalini?

No it does not! It is nothing to do with kundalini at all.
What it sounds like to me is extreme depression, whether spiritual or not is hard to say.

Is my ego "dead" forever?

Your ego isn't dead now! It's typing those words dude. When yogis and buddhists talking about 'killing the ego', they are not talking about anything like what you're feeling - the experience results in freedom and bliss.

Is my emotions gone forever?

No I don't think so! I think what has happened to you is that you've shut them down to save yourself pain of some kind.

Can you lose your soul?

A shaman would say you can loses pieces of your soul, which can be retrieved. But you can't have lost your whole soul or you would fall down dead, so don't panic for goodness' sake!

What you can lose is your connection to your feeling nature.

I have some questions for you in return:

1. You say you had 'overwhelming thoughts' after your dad died. May I ask what kinds of thoughts?

2. Have you ever done any kind of spiritual work at all? (if not, this may not be the right place to get answers!)

3. How is your life generally? Are you healthy? Do you do drugs or drink?

4. I get the feeling your depression is something to do with your relationship with your dad, can you tell more? What were the 'different issues', and what was he experimenting with?

Just if you feel like talking about all this, I have no intention of prying if you'd rather not talk.

You can relax about dead ego and losing your soul, it isn't anything like that.

One further thing: some people have a great fear attached to spiritual subjects, so if it is spiritual subjects that panic you don't worry - you can deal with that. I had the same thing once.

It's trite, but if at all possible don't worry! You will get over this.

Best NN

[CFTraveler]

NN answered very well, I just want to reinforce some of it:

Does this sound like kundalini?

Not to me. More like post-traumatic stress syndrome followed by depression.

Is my ego "dead" forever?

No, your ego is what's causing your depression. It's making you fear, and fear is what it uses for self-reinforcement. A healthy ego uses happiness to feel alive, an unhealth ego uses fear.

Is my emotions gone forever?

Your emotions are not gone, they are suppressed. This means to me that if you look at what caused your problem (your father's death, and the possibility that knowing him is now out of the question?) the emotions will be so strong and so negative, that your ego has chosen to suppress them because it fears them. I think you know what you need to do.

Can you lose your soul?

No, your soul is you. Your point of view, your focus of experience. Right now your soul is going through a 'dark night', something you must work through.
Good luck and God Bless!

[Zak]

There is always a light at the end of a tunnel!
[/url]

[KnowNothing]

I have really no clue, I've read about subjective reality and that was what messed me up combined with all the other thoughts and philosophical waste of time.
So now, I feel nothin', feel like my soul has left my body(even had a vision of it) and now I have no clue what to do.
My fear is 100% from my thoughts, not emotions, I just know logically that this ain't right.

It started from smoking too much cannabis over a few years, then once it all hit me, all the t houghts about the universe and everything that I hadn't thought about since I was a child suddenly they "hijacked" my focus.
I was even psycic for over a week, it was the most scary thing ever.
I never want that again, I just want to be normal, my dad was diagnosed mental patient because of all this, I can't let that happen to me.

It may be PTSD, but it wasnt from my dad's death, it was from my own thoughts about life, so how can I overcome it?

[sash]

This actually sounds like it could be related to Kundalini in some way, not that I can be certain about that.

I'd suggest try to do some grounding techniques, stop smoking cannabis at least until things settle down, and most importantly have faith.

You say your fear is from your thoughts, but fear is a feeling. Try to relax and figure out what is behind that fear. Don't get caught up in the thoughts. I hope this helps somewhat and good luck, I'm sure you will overcome this.

[KnowNothing]

i have stopped smokin a half year ago, all this loss of emotions etc happen the last month.
yea i understand how you can think that fear is a feeling, it is, but I dont have the feeling, only the thought.
feeling follow thoughts, but my thoughts is completely without emotions.
I can see people die without caring a little bit emotionally, i could win a million in a lottery and not even give a damn.
It's REALLY that bad, and NO one understand, I can't go on living like this cause it's not living at all, it's observing life

[Tempestinateapot]

I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist. If your father had mental problems, and now you are having them, it could be genetic. Some mental illnesses run in families. Severe depression runs in my family, and my father committed suicide. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and the sooner you get professional help, the better the outcome. Spiritual problems can be all tangled up with mental problems, but you sound depressed, with the repression of your emotions. When I was younger, I had severe episodes of anxiety, thoughts of suicide, along with no other feelings. One of the anti-depressent drugs made a huge difference in my life, and possibly saved my life. I'd also say stop reading about Kundalini. Most of the written stuff makes it sound rather scary. From what you are describing, it doesn't sound at all like Kundalini to me.

[KnowNothing]

Yeah, but I don't think I'm crazy cause my thoughts is normal thoughts, I just obsess about them I think...
Can you seriously lose your soul? like seriously? or lose yo ur connection to it? cause soul is supposed to be the source of your feelings, so when I got no feelings it seems like I'm not connected...
I feel the emotional feelings in my body, but not mentally, if that makes sense?

[Tom]

You can lose things on the surface, but you can't lose the essence of who you really are and still be around to ask about it. Even losing things on the surface isn't really possible in a permanent sense. You can choose to call back any part of yourself that you have lost or given up.

A psychiatrist can do other things for you besides handing out pills and wishing you luck. A lot of possibilities exist which they have to look for such as electrolyte imbalances and other metabolic problems like low thyroid functioning. If you are low on zinc, your food might taste bland and flat and not worth eating. That could be covered up by feeling like life itself is a pale version of what it should be. You might go about trying to resolve feelings of depression when you could just start eating almonds. Just an example, of course. I have to watch my sodium in-take or I'll go around thinking that everyone is out to get me, because high blood pressure runs in my family and the expectation that the world is a hostile place was one of the earliest lessons my parents passed on to me. The people at work like me a lot better now that I'm not eating McDonalds fries every other day, which for a while I was doing. (Aaah! sometimes I still forget and start eating too much salt ... What are you looking at?!) Anyway, since you are saying that you know that fairly serious things run in your family, you might want to have a professional who has been trained to look for all sorts of things help instead of going the "do it yourself" route. It could save you time.

Now about the obsessive thoughts. What do you think about Yoga Nidra? Have you seen the references to it here recently? If you are patient and give yourself a year or two to learn it, without setting expectations or a time-table, it will help to give you the safe environment and the tools to take apart those patterns of thinking. We all have them, and the more stress you are under the more distinct they become. Yoga Nidra (yogic sleep) helps to allow this tension to gradually unwind on its own. There is a tendency to feel stress and to believe such things as "I am stressed" and "this is my stress" and how that matter "these are my patterns of uncontrolled obsessive thoughts". What you learn in Yoga Nidra is to watch these things, and physical tensions, as if they are happening to another person. You are not your thoughts and experiences and you are not stuck floating within them. They are apart from you and they are just passing through. They happen to be within you, but they are not you. This dis-identification lets them float up, expand, and pop. Until now you have been resisting them and trying to push them down because you have been trained to believe they have something to do with you and then you experience them as if they do. That's why you started resisting them and keeping them pushed down. You don't have to. There is a lot of material there, and you will have to release it all eventually, and Yoga Nidra gives you the place to stand where all of it becomes completely neutral. It is like catching them back when they were all seeds instead of walking through a field of over-grown poison ivy with a knife. That's why I'm planning to give myself more than enough time to learn to go all the way into Yoga Nidra. Even if it takes two years or more, I will have it the rest of my life and there are ways of using the state which I can't even begin to understand yet. All of that will come in time, though. Part of being in Yoga Nidra is that you are deeply connected with all of your wisdom that you have as being part of God / The Source.