Quote Originally Posted by CFTraveler
I think that in works like these, the authors are addressing the types of hurts that people inflict on themselves as attempts to resolve past issues, in which one hurt piles on another and they lose the ability to heal from them. So even though, from a present perspective, it may not be your fault (or responsibility) that a parent inflicted some damage on yourself, the way you are dealing with it is directly related to it, and without that 'cleaning of the slate' healing becomes virtually impossible.
Oh, yes. Recovery from an abusive childhood is a very lengthy process. I don't think it ever completely ends, to be honest. And you have to address all kinds of issues, one at a time, usually (or sometimes in "sets" or "patterns"), and work through each.

But what do you do when a parent who abused you refuses to acknowledge it? You really can't say it wasn't his fault. Obviously, it WAS. You MUST acknowlege that, and you MUST work through it, and the only way to eventually really leave it behind is to forgive it.

Sometimes it's possible to see, as an adult, the issues around the abuse. Some kinds of abuse are easier to process when you understand what led to it. But some kinds can never be excused, explained, or mitigated.

Note that forgiveness does not necessarily include continuing a relationship with someone. Some people are just plain toxic and you can forgive them until the cows come home, they'll just keep piling on more stuff that you have to process and get rid of. Sometimes the best thing you can do is stop associating with them.

Quote Originally Posted by CFTraveler
Anyway, forgiveness is always crucial, even if it isn't for the purpose of reestablishing a relationship.
Agreed. Forgiveness is for the benefit of the one doing the forgiving. (Took me years to understand that; there are a lot of weird ideas about what "forgiveness" is and it took me a long, long time to figure out what it really is about.)