John Selby's "De-beliefing Process" for Anger

[ButterflyWoman]

I think that in works like these, the authors are addressing the types of hurts that people inflict on themselves as attempts to resolve past issues, in which one hurt piles on another and they lose the ability to heal from them. So even though, from a present perspective, it may not be your fault (or responsibility) that a parent inflicted some damage on yourself, the way you are dealing with it is directly related to it, and without that 'cleaning of the slate' healing becomes virtually impossible.

Oh, yes. Recovery from an abusive childhood is a very lengthy process. I don't think it ever completely ends, to be honest. And you have to address all kinds of issues, one at a time, usually (or sometimes in "sets" or "patterns"), and work through each.

But what do you do when a parent who abused you refuses to acknowledge it? You really can't say it wasn't his fault. Obviously, it WAS. You MUST acknowlege that, and you MUST work through it, and the only way to eventually really leave it behind is to forgive it.

Sometimes it's possible to see, as an adult, the issues around the abuse. Some kinds of abuse are easier to process when you understand what led to it. But some kinds can never be excused, explained, or mitigated.

Note that forgiveness does not necessarily include continuing a relationship with someone. Some people are just plain toxic and you can forgive them until the cows come home, they'll just keep piling on more stuff that you have to process and get rid of. Sometimes the best thing you can do is stop associating with them.

Anyway, forgiveness is always crucial, even if it isn't for the purpose of reestablishing a relationship.

Agreed. Forgiveness is for the benefit of the one doing the forgiving. (Took me years to understand that; there are a lot of weird ideas about what "forgiveness" is and it took me a long, long time to figure out what it really is about.)

[CFTraveler]

Exactly. I tried to say (but couldn't figure out how to build the sentence correctly) that sometimes forgiveness is sometimes necessary to allow us to separate from a perpetrator, because the feeling of victimhood will continue to tie us to them.

But what do you do when a parent who abused you refuses to acknowledge it? You really can't say it wasn't his fault. Obviously, it WAS. You MUST acknowlege that, and you MUST work through it, and the only way to eventually really leave it behind is to forgive it.

Well, the way I handle it is to realize that they are unable to accept their responsibility (in other words, saying it's their fault (even though they did what they did) is not as important as realizing that whether they accept it or not is not important, because they deny themselves the opportunity to make it right for themselves (does that make sense?) and that doesn't mean that I have to take anything from them, or that I have to even associate with them.
In other words, they are what they are, they did what they did, and now it's for me to do whatever I am going to do and they don't have to be involved. I choose to forgive for my own benefit and of those who I love. I also realize that to have arguments about it are pointless and will only affect my ability to let go of things.

[Korpo]

In "How to be an adult" David Richo says that to go beyond the hurts of our youth we need to let the youth go. He recommends acknowledging your pains, facing them and properly mourning them. He says grieving is vital for healing. You've been done wrong, and therefore you can say you've been done wrong, you can express your sympathy for your younger self, what it had to bear, understand this younger self, acknowledge that you lived through your own private hell. And then let go and move on.

I have not advanced much in this book, though. If I find a better strategy in there for core hurts I will write a bit more.

Bruce Frantzis writes that these original deep traumas form the core patterns of our ego. Later major and minor traumas will form other blocks around these deep issues, and form our personality. The way back to these core issues is unraveling what is layered on top of it, regaining the energy lost within such issues, and finally unearthing the core isssue and letting it go.

Since it is easier to let go of smaller issues and less deeply ingrained habits, I think the De-Beliefing process can also lead a good deal of the way. This is just a version for anger for everyday issues. When you are unburdened enough of that perhaps answers, like forgiveness, for the deeper issues might arise or healing start on its own.

Take good care,
Oliver

[Korpo]

I think we have a misunderstanding.

I tried to say sth along the lines of "Let go of the hurts of your youth and properly grieve them" by saying "Let go of your youth". I did not say "Push away your inner child"...

However, even though it is sound and valid advice to nurture your inner child, I guess even this inner child has to grow up, combining the spontanity, playfulness, love and creativity of the child with the experience, reasoning skills and endurance of an adult. These later faculties, when not overdone, are what actually allow to reconnect to the inner child. To overcome the flight reaction by reason, to reenter the emotional turmoil by enduring it better and by delving into experiences that disprove old failed beliefs.

IMO the inner child gets lost because it does not possess the necessary toolset to prevail. We become our own parents when we provide to our inner child what it was missing when we were children - unlimited acceptance, love, freedom, expression. But in the long run I think this child will no longer be a child.

What do you think? What happened to your inner child?

Oliver

[CFTraveler]

You know, the other day my 10 year old son was looking through old pictures for a specific one for a school project, and after a while he went, sat down in a corner and had a good cry. I saw his red nose and asked him if he wasn't feeling well (I was thinking a cold here) and he started to cry, this time outright and with a lot of emotion. So here I ask him what happened, when he told me he found pictures of when he was a baby- that's all. I then realized he had a moment of realization- that he no longer was 'that baby' and never would be again. He was mourning for his 'gone inner baby', but didn't have the articulation to express himself-or to even understand why he was so sad. So I gently reminisced with him and cradled him in my arms and told him that no matter how big he got he would always be my baby. After a while of cuddling he went on with his day.
In that moment he did what you both are talking about in your own words- he grieved for that stage in his life that was now gone, but in a loving and accepting way, and without knowing it let it go- he grew up a lot.
So now he's a 'tween'.

[Korpo]

It's great he can allow that, you know? I guess I could not have done that back then.

Oliver

[CFTraveler]

He generally doesn't tolerate a lot of mom huggy-kissy stuff (he usually cringes when I try to kiss him and I end up kissing his head, lol.) but that day he was emotionally vulnerable. It surprised me, especially now that he's in that 'mom's not cool' phase.
But my point is that when we go through life phases we do mourn the 'loss', and if it's done in an accepting and nurturing way, we do continue to grow up. And although I don't recall doing it, I could see in my own child an example of just that.

[Korpo]

Right on, Alex, I think we understand each other now. I guess I am facing the same, just less "visual" if you know what I mean.

Oliver

[ButterflyWoman]

I'm currently struggling against an extremely limiting belief that has to do with self-image. I'm sure my perception/belief is incorrect. I KNOW it is limiting me. I have NO CLUE how to get rid of it. I feel like I'm pressed up against a wall, and it's quite painful.

This all definitely goes to my childhood and to parents who were capricious and unstable, and I can see that, but I don't actually care about that any more. By that I mean, I got past the "my parents were mean to me" stuff. I don't care any more that they're assholes (hope I'm allowed to use mild swearing; mods please edit if that's inappropriate).

What I DO care about is ME. I care about getting past this damned wall. It has been here for most of my life and it has limited me for all of that time, and I just want it GONE, but I have absolutely NO CLUE how to get rid of it. Not only is it painful, it's frustrating, and it's stopping me from moving forward.

So, well, any clues, I'd appreciate right about now. Meditation isn't helping. Prayer isn't helping. Trying to be "positive" isn't helping (in fact, the block makes positive visualisation and positive thinking extremely difficult, which is why I need to get rid of it). How do you STOP believing something.... ?

[Beekeeper]

OW, I can relate and I think Alex's advice is really interesting and valid. It seems to me that however much you rise above a largely unhappy childhood, the cracks always appear again eventually, usually at critical moments where you feel threatened or hopeless by newer events. There is no greater gift you can give a person than the confidence that comes of a loving, well-directed childhood but it's a gift that a parent can only give if he'she has achieved a certain level of awareness.

Jman recently gave me a bit of advice about all the crap that resurfaces during trying events,

But remember one thing - all those things that come up are not connected except by the frustration & upset. You shouldn't do an A=A on them - they are separate events & they don't actually add up.

For me, that was excellent advice because I tend to turn the events of my life into a continuous narrative (along the lines of what a loser I am) when, in fact, each event is separate and often distorted by memory and emotion (at least in my case).

What I find, also, is that there's always some act of grace when you are most in need, like seeing the whales frolicking, the warmth of a friend's words or a beautiful act of gratitude that cauterises a wound. Even losing yourself temporarily in the right book or a good comedy gives temporary relief. As for the recurring patterns though, I think I'd follow Alex's advice.