Please help me. Really need help...confused.

[LuXFluX]

I'm not sure how to preface this.....I'm REALLY heartbroken and confused. I'm sad that I have to write this b/c I have tried to have faith and believe that I could find all of the answers within but I am at my wits end.

I am heartbroken. For reasons I will explain below, I am sad to say that I can't find out how to heal my hurt. I was in love....I say was b/c I'm so confused I don't know what the hell I'm in now. But I finally....tonight I have nothing more than to give up. I have done all I can....it's rather sad. I didn't want to leave a stone unturned, to miss anything. But It seems I have to give up. Bare with me please if I'm rambling....this is the first I've spoken(typed) about this ever, so my apologies. It means so much that someone may read this.....really.

Around 3 years ago I met a girl online. I must say that I was not looking to fall in love online and found most relationships done in that way rather foolish. But......from the beginning my intuition, my gut, all my feelings said go in spite of myself. So I did. I felt a sense of destiny in it all as we seemed to keep crossing paths anyway...and online! It was rather crazy. To simplify, I felt that in general the idea was stupid but there was an almost mystical sense of a higher power waving me on. I must say.....I felt that this was love of the highest order. Like....I had come home I suppose. Like I had met an old friend.

We were close for nearly all of the three years....we talked on the phone for hours, would visit eachother, it seemed we were soul mates as silly as that sounded to me. I've always been skeptical even though I'm rather....woowoo I guess. But I believed it. We were VERY close. I've never felt such a sense of connection and love from both ends. Perhaps we argued at times.....but I've never felt as deep connection. Lover, best friends....the kind of thing you read about and swoon, even as a man....albeit privately.

Then....she got a job where she couldn't talk to me much during it. Naturally we spent hours together every day(We were/are pro videogamers lol) so it was a bit worrying for me. And....I noticed her personality change. She seemed attracted to her guy friends....which for her was so odd and out of character. Before this she had said repeatedly that she found other men unnattractive. I found it hard to believe but over the 2.5 years of seeing it and the sheer amount of time we spent together, I found it to be true just by the numbers. I began to feel the same....But to make a loooong story short the day before she was to come home(and the day we were planning to start thinking about living together, something we had always mutually dreamed of), and after I had tried feebly to think positively of her, she told me she had cheated on me multiple times days after the event started, thought that our whole relationship was a silly mistake, and that we should break up. It was a shock. She was slated to be traveling a lot to my hometown, was making lots of money, I was in school, there was lots of synchronous symbols that I SWEAR I didn't make up. But alas....

I cried. Then....she was brutally mean to me. I tried to call. She hung up. She yelled. She insulted me. It hurt. Perhaps I'm not good at conveying it.....but I've never felt such pain in my life. It may seem silly but it hurts even now. And it hurts more that as such a good predictor of human behavior and a believer in a personal higher power, I was caught totally off guard.

I felt this way for a month.....after being hung up on time after time I gave up. I was sad....but I gave up on ever being with her though it made me so happy. Then......for no reason.....I began to have visions...dreams that I should call her. My "go" signal in my body which I have learned to trust said that it was time for things to heal. I can say truthfully that this signal has saved my life at times even before I knew about spirituality and to my knowledge has never lead me into pain....until now I suppose. It lead me to call her.

So I did. And indeed, it seemed it was leading me right again. All the things I desired to actually feel good again, which I had given up on, again seemed very close. And then......while she was saying she was so sorry to have left me and loved me, and in a way that was sooooo convincing, later that evening she again slept with a man. And again....became instantly distant. And now......it seems she hangs up on me again and judges me for everything. Won't apologize. Just wants me gone.

Now.....I've thought about this. I've meditated. I've prayed. I'm lost.....and crushed with sadness honestly. My intuition which never failed me broke my heart....twice. When I met her for unknown reasons I just KNEW she was the girl for me. I'm aware of all the problems with having a person as a crutch, I promise. This felt.....different. Truly....to my knowledge I never made it an ego relationship, in the sense of ego in a bad way. And that close bond was just severed by a few new friends.....it's like she just lost all interest and pushed me out of her mind. Does not compute.....

I know why maybe, why she might really still love me, she may feel guilty, perhaps is confused herself, or something else....certainly her behavior is rather silly and overly angry. It brings me no solace really.....knowing these things....b/c I can't understand why I was led into this by a feeling I could always trust. It feels.....like God lied to me. Why did I have every impulse I have ever trusted lead me to pain? And pain soooo gut wrenching? Why can't I heal this pain? And if I can't trust my spirituality, what in the name of.....lol.....what am I going to do?

I'm sorry to ramble. I realize that the above is rather incoherent and I'm so confused because I've left so much out. The only thing I have faith in now I suppose is that there are people like me out there somewhere. People who....if they see a broken heart.....will at least make an effort to help as best they can. Please help me and pray for me if you desire. They say pictures can help, and mine can be found at http://www.myspace.com/ponpayne.

Please help. Though it may be hard to tell, I am extraordinarily sad and confused. Please pray for me. Thank you.

[ButterflyWoman]

I understand 100% about the connection you can have to someone via the net. I met my husband on the net, actually, when we were on opposite sides of the planet. Neither of us was looking for romance, certainly, but we became friends and it blossomed from there. We met in the early-mid 90s, long before net relationships were widely known and when they were even less understood...

We had a spectacular bond. He's one of the most non-intuitive people you're likely to meet, but it was strong enough that even HE could feel it, was aware of it. Had we severed our relationship, it would have been beyond excruciating. So I understand the situation you're in.

Sorry to talk about myself, but I wanted to establish that I really do "get it" in a tangible way.

Okay. Long distance relationships are HARD. Even when you love the person, it's super difficult to maintain. So there is that. The other thing is... okay, maybe this is just me thinking weird thoughts, but have you considered that your girlfriend (for lack of a better term) might be a sex addict? Or that she might suffer from significant self esteem issues that she can temporarily ease by "being found attractive" by men?

I also saw a red flag with the way she broke up with you and the beastly way she treated you. It makes me think that she feels she doesn't "deserve" to be loved. The fact that she broke up with you right when it was going to get serious is a big hint, and the rage she lavished on you is something that people who hate themselves will do to other people. It's twisted, I know, but it's a very common and recognisable pattern, unfortunately. (I know about this first hand, too; I won't give details, but I really understand the behaviour pattern.)

I suspect very strongly that she has big self esteem and commitment issues and she doesn't know how to deal with them. She seems to particularly have problems accepting that someone actually loves her. You'd think that someone who feels unloved would welcome love, but when you feel that way inside, you feel like you're deceiving the other person, that when they find out how awful you "really are", they'll leave you, anyway...

As for what to do... I don't know. Trust your instinct, I would say, and decide that if you want to continue a relationship with her, it's going to be a very painful ride until and unless she addresses her issues.

I can say that until she wants to heal, she won't, and she'll make herself and you miserable indefinitely. That's a miserable prognosis, but from everything I've seen and experienced and lived, it's pretty much the size of it.

I will pray for you. I'm already sending you healing and love as I write this.

Oh... I definitely absolutely recommend going through a ritual to cut the ties. I know it sounds extreme, but you can always re-establish a bond if it's meant to be there. In the meantime, you're going to be in pain. Clamping off and cutting the bond(s) will help, believe me.

[Korpo]

Hello, LuXFluX.

I hope you will protect yourself a bit from that person, even if you love her. There's no need to be hurt because another person thinks she can get away with treating you like that. Clearly you deserve to be treated with respect and honesty, which does not seem to be the case right now.

I hope your situation will improve and heal.

Oliver

[LuXFluX]

CaterpillarWoman,

I have thought about the things you mentioned....indeed she probably has deep self esteem issues that she believes she can hide or forget as long as she doesn't have to be around me....the person who really knows her. I realize that is why she is completely mean to me. No one else but me knows what she's done so she feels that if she avoids me she will forget. I'm afraid that it will spiral downwards, I tried that, and much worse for the wear I ended up back where I started very sad. And it hurts to watch her....I've done the same thing, and while I believe every person is different and try to think positive....I don't want her to make the mistakes I did in glossing over something, or running away from myself in new people. She was highly insecure and became completely lost in those around her. In short, I have come to an understanding on that and did so rather quickly. Although it may not be evident in my post, I have found I often have an uncanny knack for predicting or understanding others behaviors. I used to anyway, and as far as my own behavior....I have a Dog IQ it seems.

I suppose that would usually be enough for closure. Knowing a person isn't in the right mindset, and all that she's put me through SHOULD be. Really.....99/100 times it would be. For me or anyone else. It would be painful but it could heal on its own. For instance, when my mother passed away I had my month of deep sorrow. I drank, I cried, I felt horrible. But it healed. With time. This......doesn't heal at all. I seem to wake up in love no matter what....wondering where the person I knew went. And...Ultimately why my intuition, my sense of God most strongly in my life, why is it leading me to more and more pain? Growth I can understand, but pain? I've already weathered the adversity of losing a life's dream to circumstance once, I had to come to terms with that. I've had plenty of growth. I felt as though the universe was pushing me into this because it was saying "Hey, you can be happy with this in your life. This is one thing you don't have to worry about. Go for it!" I trusted that little voice that came from so many directions. I dropped my defence and opened my heart because it felt as though a higher power was involved and I could trust it, too. And not once, but twice. I trusted, loved, and had courage. And it has gotten me hurt. And I don't know why....

It wasn't wishful thinking. I didn't believe it. But when you have a spiritual feeling in you that just makes you feel so free and trusting, when I've lived a life where I never felt that way before, and have no reason to.....I feel uninmaginably hurt. I never opened up to people. It was just my way. Didn't mind. I felt lonely at times, but didn't mind that either. I never expected to be this close, didn't think it was really possible. All my friends always seemed to leave to soon, so I decided at a young age to make friends with God and myself. I wanted to be close with someone, but I always said that I would know when the time was right. And I would have been content not to have that happen at all, or next week, or 5 years from now. Then I had a dream whispered in my ear. And it's caused me immeasurable sorrow.....and I don't know what to think, not only of my grief, but of my spirituality, of anything. I always trusted god. I knew sometimes he would lead me places that confused me, but never leave me scarred. He never has. But always he showed me the way out......but now......I'm scared, and for the first time I don't know what to do to even begin healing. For the first time I actually am doubting if I will ever heal.....for someone who is usually so positive it is rather sad to hear myself say this. But it is true....

Thank you for your reply so much. Again I'm sorry if I'm rambling but it really means more to me than you may know to even talk to someone about what is going on. Thank you for praying for me. This is just such a knotted problem, the way it knits into my spirituality, my love life, my emotions.....it's the only thing I've encountered personally that I just feel no inspiration at all on. Thank you for listening.

And Oliver(that is a nice board feature the alert to new posts),

I know. I feel like I am not respecting myself. But then I keep asking....why would my intuition tell me soooooo strongly that it was time to heal, the thing I could always trust.......and I keep pushing. ANd usually when I do that it works out. Almost always. It's not like I hear this voice all the time. It's like a connection to God for me. And I don't know why it would lead me back again to talk to her after I've been so hurt once....to hurt me again? I didn't want to talk to her, but again it was such an influx of hope and I trusted it. But I can't deal with this.....I believe I deserve respect. It's sad to want it from someone and not get it.....they become the only person in a small world.....LOL. God I sound sad. I guess I am. Thank you all so much. It's nice to know there are others out there that will read this and care. Thank you.

[ButterflyWoman]

I have some experience with a bond that "bleeds" you of energy and doesn't heal. The tie cutting ritual is helpful. And keep doing it until it works for you. It strikes me as possible that the "call her" impulse was actually initiated by her along the bond you still share.

I agree with Oliver about taking precautions against her. Check the Psychic Self Defence forum here for some ideas on steps you can take.

When you've healed and you're no longer bleeding energy and emotion from that tie to her, you'll be able to assess the situation better and consider it.

Still sending love and healing thoughts.

[LuXFluX]

Olderwiser,

My god......maybe you're right......maybe you are. In fact....this is the first explanation that makes sense. I.....wow. I've got to try this, I think it makes sense to me now. Maybe it will make sense.....thank you. I have a feeling this is it, I really do. Perhaps this doesn't solve my problems of the existential sense, but maybe I will have enough energy to do that after this. Thank you both so much. I will do this ritual asap. It is indeed highly possible that it was her......that maybe it was a weak moment.

If it is a tie of some kind, can they be one sided? Because....I think mine is. This is somewhere to turn. It's strange.....perhaps a bit of hope has creeped in after all. I will post after I feel I have done all I can with this avenue. I have a good feeling about this.....it may free up the energy I need to really understand what is going on.

Thank you.

[Korpo]

Good luck, LuXFluX.

I am glad OW's advice might be of help in your situation. I hope it will be.

The connections we have with other people can take on very many ways. Even if no harm is consciously intended, they may lead to it. Freeing yourself of the connection can help restore more peace of mind and open the possibility to view the situation less emotionally. And give the chance for healing to happen.

Take good care,
Oliver

[ButterflyWoman]

If it is a tie of some kind, can they be one sided?

In my experience, YES.

You'll be okay. You can get through this. There is definitely hope.

[CFTraveler]

I just want to add that you need to have someone to talk to about this luXfluX, a friend to support you, because you're on a hard path and need all the support you can get. Good luck and God Bless.

[LuXFluX]

Traveler, you are right. I've had a "mountaintop" experience just now with all of the things I've just learned here. I'm certainly simply enjoying the high of feeling like myself again at the moment. I hope that I can explore some of these things on here, this website is fantastic. It's unfortunate the counselors I currently have access to do not share the spiritual bent I do but I may give that avenue a try. Thank you all so much, I was becoming really hopeless. I feel I am now moving forward. Progress felt so far away, it is nice to feel like I am no longer moving in circles. The psychic defense board is a fantastic resource, I am new to energy work. I thought it was a bit far out but it seems of late I've been pushed into it. Couldn't have come at a better time. Thank you all so much.