I'm not sure how to preface this.....I'm REALLY heartbroken and confused. I'm sad that I have to write this b/c I have tried to have faith and believe that I could find all of the answers within but I am at my wits end.

I am heartbroken. For reasons I will explain below, I am sad to say that I can't find out how to heal my hurt. I was in love....I say was b/c I'm so confused I don't know what the hell I'm in now. But I finally....tonight I have nothing more than to give up. I have done all I can....it's rather sad. I didn't want to leave a stone unturned, to miss anything. But It seems I have to give up. Bare with me please if I'm rambling....this is the first I've spoken(typed) about this ever, so my apologies. It means so much that someone may read this.....really.

Around 3 years ago I met a girl online. I must say that I was not looking to fall in love online and found most relationships done in that way rather foolish. But......from the beginning my intuition, my gut, all my feelings said go in spite of myself. So I did. I felt a sense of destiny in it all as we seemed to keep crossing paths anyway...and online! It was rather crazy. To simplify, I felt that in general the idea was stupid but there was an almost mystical sense of a higher power waving me on. I must say.....I felt that this was love of the highest order. Like....I had come home I suppose. Like I had met an old friend.

We were close for nearly all of the three years....we talked on the phone for hours, would visit eachother, it seemed we were soul mates as silly as that sounded to me. I've always been skeptical even though I'm rather....woowoo I guess. But I believed it. We were VERY close. I've never felt such a sense of connection and love from both ends. Perhaps we argued at times.....but I've never felt as deep connection. Lover, best friends....the kind of thing you read about and swoon, even as a man....albeit privately.

Then....she got a job where she couldn't talk to me much during it. Naturally we spent hours together every day(We were/are pro videogamers lol) so it was a bit worrying for me. And....I noticed her personality change. She seemed attracted to her guy friends....which for her was so odd and out of character. Before this she had said repeatedly that she found other men unnattractive. I found it hard to believe but over the 2.5 years of seeing it and the sheer amount of time we spent together, I found it to be true just by the numbers. I began to feel the same....But to make a loooong story short the day before she was to come home(and the day we were planning to start thinking about living together, something we had always mutually dreamed of), and after I had tried feebly to think positively of her, she told me she had cheated on me multiple times days after the event started, thought that our whole relationship was a silly mistake, and that we should break up. It was a shock. She was slated to be traveling a lot to my hometown, was making lots of money, I was in school, there was lots of synchronous symbols that I SWEAR I didn't make up. But alas....

I cried. Then....she was brutally mean to me. I tried to call. She hung up. She yelled. She insulted me. It hurt. Perhaps I'm not good at conveying it.....but I've never felt such pain in my life. It may seem silly but it hurts even now. And it hurts more that as such a good predictor of human behavior and a believer in a personal higher power, I was caught totally off guard.

I felt this way for a month.....after being hung up on time after time I gave up. I was sad....but I gave up on ever being with her though it made me so happy. Then......for no reason.....I began to have visions...dreams that I should call her. My "go" signal in my body which I have learned to trust said that it was time for things to heal. I can say truthfully that this signal has saved my life at times even before I knew about spirituality and to my knowledge has never lead me into pain....until now I suppose. It lead me to call her.

So I did. And indeed, it seemed it was leading me right again. All the things I desired to actually feel good again, which I had given up on, again seemed very close. And then......while she was saying she was so sorry to have left me and loved me, and in a way that was sooooo convincing, later that evening she again slept with a man. And again....became instantly distant. And now......it seems she hangs up on me again and judges me for everything. Won't apologize. Just wants me gone.

Now.....I've thought about this. I've meditated. I've prayed. I'm lost.....and crushed with sadness honestly. My intuition which never failed me broke my heart....twice. When I met her for unknown reasons I just KNEW she was the girl for me. I'm aware of all the problems with having a person as a crutch, I promise. This felt.....different. Truly....to my knowledge I never made it an ego relationship, in the sense of ego in a bad way. And that close bond was just severed by a few new friends.....it's like she just lost all interest and pushed me out of her mind. Does not compute.....

I know why maybe, why she might really still love me, she may feel guilty, perhaps is confused herself, or something else....certainly her behavior is rather silly and overly angry. It brings me no solace really.....knowing these things....b/c I can't understand why I was led into this by a feeling I could always trust. It feels.....like God lied to me. Why did I have every impulse I have ever trusted lead me to pain? And pain soooo gut wrenching? Why can't I heal this pain? And if I can't trust my spirituality, what in the name of.....lol.....what am I going to do?

I'm sorry to ramble. I realize that the above is rather incoherent and I'm so confused because I've left so much out. The only thing I have faith in now I suppose is that there are people like me out there somewhere. People who....if they see a broken heart.....will at least make an effort to help as best they can. Please help me and pray for me if you desire. They say pictures can help, and mine can be found at http://www.myspace.com/ponpayne.

Please help. Though it may be hard to tell, I am extraordinarily sad and confused. Please pray for me. Thank you.