Why can't I love?

[Mishell]

Isn't this thread pretty negative for the Love forum?

The question is rhetorical of course. It is too negative for a forum that is meant to be uplifting. It makes the whole sub-forum feel soiled.

[ButterflyWoman]

Which forum do you think would be more appropriate? We can always move a thread.

[Chris_com28]

I find that this kind of 'hate' (with rejection of love) is sometimes fueled by (being) hurt. Sometimes hurt is expressed as hate when we are unable to face the cause of that hurt. In a sense, one is screaming in pain. In cases like this its not really about love or hate. If this is resonating for you, try to gently consider who hurt you and how.

That is true. I have been hurt quite a bit. I'm kind of thinking that learning to forgive and accept would help me to heal. Though I find forgiving really hard to do.

[Chris_com28]

I find that this kind of 'hate' (with rejection of love) is sometimes fueled by (being) hurt. Sometimes hurt is expressed as hate when we are unable to face the cause of that hurt. In a sense, one is screaming in pain. In cases like this its not really about love or hate. If this is resonating for you, try to gently consider who hurt you and how.

That is true. I have been hurt quite a bit. I'm kind of thinking that learning to forgive and accept would help me to heal. Though I find forgiving really hard to do.

Isn't this thread pretty negative for the Love forum?

The question is rhetorical of course. It is too negative for a forum that is meant to be uplifting. It makes the whole sub-forum feel soiled.

Sorry to ruin the atmosphere of the forum. I'm not sure if there's a better place to move it to, but if there is then it could probably be moved there.

[CFTraveler]

I usually move negative posts about Love to the Expanding consciousness forum but I didn't do it this time because I saw a need for it to be here, and I am convinced that it only seems negative if you read the beginning.
Some very perceptive individuals realized that the problem is not Chris' inability to feel Love, but one that is a little more complicated yet resolveable. Not sure if it can be resolved here, but I see solutions to it.
Chris, I have stayed back from commenting because I'm not always the right person to talk to when you are in a place of pain- I'm not always sympathetic (although can feel it- sympathy is not empathy)- because when it's not a problem I'm having, I can see things in it that I hope the person will eventually come to see themselves, and I believe you are this close to seeing it.
If you want me to move it I will, this time it's up to you.
I just think that you don't have a problem with Love, and Love doesn't have a problem with you either.
I'll let this thread develop on it's own with what you discover about yourself, unless you really want me to move it or comment.

[ButterflyWoman]

I have been hurt quite a bit. I'm kind of thinking that learning to forgive and accept would help me to heal. Though I find forgiving really hard to do.

Yes, me, too. Very deeply and profoundly damaged, in fact. I know what you mean.

A word about forgiveness. I understand PERFECTLY why you say that it's difficult. I have found forgiveness to be sort of two steps forward and one step back. Eventually, though, I realised a few things that helped.

First, my refusal to forgive was only hurting ME. The people who hurt me couldn't have cared less if I forgave them or not. As far as they were concerned, they were in the right, anyway, and if I held a grudge, well, too bad for me! So by harbouring all of my anger and refusing to forgive them, I was hurting NOBODY by MYSELF.

Imagine if you had a house and someone came and dumped a bunch of rotten garbage in the livingroom and then left. It IS their responsibility, yes. They did it. BUT... you have to live with it. You have the choice of stubbornly living with rotten garbage or cleaning it out yourself. Yeah, they should be the ones to take responsibility for it, but they're not going to. Ever. So the choice is basically, live with the garbage or get rid of it and live more happily.

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not for others. Yeah, sometimes when you forgive it can lead to reconciliation, etc., but most of the time, it doesn't. Most of the time, people who hurt you don't care at all that they did it, and even if you forgive them totally, it won't change them or the relationship.

Another analogy I found helpful is to imagine that you have loaned someone money. They owe it to you, and they know it. You pursue them about it, and they never respond. You keep it "on the books", and every time you balance them, you remember that debt. Eventually, you come to the point where you figure out that it's not worth keeping it on the books, it's not worth pursuing it, and they're never going to settle up, so you forgive the debt and strike it off the books, mark it as a loss, and go on with your life and your bookeeping, now free of having to remember and pursue a debt that is never going to be settled.

Most people think of forgiveness as some sort of saying "Oh, well, it's okay what you did," but it's not that. It's never okay. You're just choosing, for your own health and sanity and well being, to stop carrying it around with you, and stop letting it unbalance your books and stink up your house.

It has taken me many years to learn how to forgive. I still have a few people that I have a bit of a grudge against, but when those memories come up, I just work to release them. I don't need to be angry, to be hurt, to keep accounts for what other people do. I'm accountable for myself, and for my actions, and also for my reactions. Holding on to other people's misbehaviour is just a burden to me, so I choose to unburden myself.

The people who have hurt me will answer for their actions eventually, just as I will answer for my own actions. I may as well let go and let the Universe deal with it . I also suspcet strongly that until I let go, the Universe can't deal with it, as with many kinds of manifestation; as long as you hold onto it tightly, it's in your hands, not the hands of God, so to speak (please note that when I say "God" I don't refer to any specific deity figure; I mean Source, The Universe, The Infinite Consciousness, and so forth).

[johnbrent]

Well, my question is why can't I be loved... I think we all have to be happy with ourselves before we find happiness with others.

[Chris_com28]

First, my refusal to forgive was only hurting ME. The people who hurt me couldn't have cared less if I forgave them or not. As far as they were concerned, they were in the right, anyway, and if I held a grudge, well, too bad for me! So by harbouring all of my anger and refusing to forgive them, I was hurting NOBODY by MYSELF.

That's the thing. It doesn't make sense to forgive someone who's not even sorry. It's like being sorry for something you didn't do, which is how a certain person tried to make me feel today. It's almost like letting them win and I don't want that. People are just so darn disconnected they don't even know or care what they're doing. I don't see why I should be examining myself when others around me don't even bother.

Well, my question is why can't I be loved... I think we all have to be happy with ourselves before we find happiness with others.

I used to be liek that. I still relapse sometimes, but after all that I've experienced I don't give a s*** if someone loves me or not. I mean people just suck. Why would I care if someone I have no respect for loves me or not? Further more I don't see how or why I should love or frogive someone who I have no respect for. Not too say that I'm better than them. In fact I'll freely admit that I can be and am a b*****d, but at least I admit it.

Sorry, but this forgiveness thing is starting to sound more and more rediculous.

[CFTraveler]

That's the thing. It doesn't make sense to forgive someone who's not even sorry.

Then you don't know what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is not connected to any outcome but your own. Forgiveness is not doing something to someone else- forgiveness is simply refusing to continue to be affected by another person and their actions.
It's that simple.

It's like being sorry for something you didn't do,

You can be sorry for something you didn't do. Sorry doesn't mean 'it's my fault', sorry means 'I don't like what happened. How people felt.' You seem to think that taking responsibility for something means it's your fault. It doesn't- it means that you had a hand in whatever happened. And usually, that is the case, regardless on who's fault it was.

It's almost like letting them win and I don't want that.

It sounds as if you are still feeling controlled by someone else, and you are getting something out of it. Being a victim is a payoff, and it can be habit forming. "Winning" and "Losing" requires two people, and it sounds like you'd still have that interaction than not. Too bad, because with that outlook, you'll never feel better.

People are just so darn disconnected they don't even know or care what they're doing.

I don't see why you care what other people do.

I don't see why I should be examining myself when others around me don't even bother.

Because the only person that you can change is you, and continuing to want to get good feelings from others is never going to work. Other people are not you, and your feelings come from you, not others.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you are ever going to be anything close to happy you are going to have to learn that life isn't about making others make you feel good, and about blaming others for feeling bad. At some point you will have to decide you want to feel better by working on your own outlook, which from your posts seems extremely codependent.
I understand that at a certain age this is natural, but at some point you have to realize that in life there will be others that do not care about you, so you better learn that you have to care about yourself first- and not depend on others to feel good.

And then maybe you'll find someone who you love, not because they 'owe' you anything, but simply because you want the best for them. And that is love.

[Chris_com28]

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you are ever going to be anything close to happy you are going to have to learn that life isn't about making others make you feel good, and about blaming others for feeling bad. At some point you will have to decide you want to feel better by working on your own outlook, which from your posts seems extremely codependent.

I'm not sure how I gave the impression about wanting others to make me feel good. Though not that I can actually deny it as I'm yet to know more about myself. I think you're probably right about me blaming others for feeling bad. I did that a bit before I matured more. I realise that there's more factors that alter my emotions and try not to pin it on others, though there are times when others are to blame.

Anyway, I'm going to think about this a bit more and come back to it later.