Maybe five or six years ago, I began to look into spiritual matters and have tried meditating on and off since then. In most places, I read that meditation was supposed to be keeping the mind totally clear of everything. This has been my greatest struggle with meditation because I've used my internal chatter for so long; that is, I use it to think and work out my problems, especially for school. I even use it for reading! I actually think that school has strengthened my internal chatter, especially with the reading aspect. Back in the 2nd or 3rd grade, we would have quiet time for reading (as opposed to reading aloud). My teachers would tell the class to just read the words aloud in your head so that you don't disturb anyone else in the class. I think this is what really gave a "voice" to my internal chatter, and since I read a lot, it has strengthened tremendously. (Even as I sit here right now, it's talking out everything as I type.) One thing that I do notice is that when I attempt to speed read -- or rather scan the words on the page so quickly that I don't catch much comprehension -- my incessant internal chatter is in some way not able to keep up and just sits back and watches in a whirl of confusion. Could this almost be considered a form of meditation?

Additionally, this morning when I first woke up, I was lying in my bed and decided to try meditating by focusing on my breathing (which I've tried often and normally doesn't work for me). This morning, though, something was different. For whatever reason, after each breath, I kept imagining a pinpoint of light that would expand in every direction, kind of like a balloon being inflated. I did this at the end of every breath, and for whatever reason, it seemed to remove the thought pressure that normally arises as I breathe. Normally, when I breathe, it seems that something centers itself in my head on the same level of my forehead but more towards the back of my head; this thing almost seems to come from above and "close down" or lightly "clamp down" onto the back of my head. The internal chatter that seems to arise whenever I attempt to meditate appears to be in some way connected to this. The ballooning action that I imagined this morning counteracted this. I even tried meditating this morning with my eyes open and just imagined balloons inflating on each inhalation from that point where thoughts arise, and did not get any thoughts for 30 seconds, which is a big accomplishment for me. (Note: The first time I tried this ballooning method, I was breathing quickly, so I imagined this action after my exhalation. In this instance with my eyes open, I was breathing more slowly, which usually provides more time for thoughts to arise, so I instead imagined the balloon effect as I inhaled.) Even though I was thinking about something (inflating balloons), would this count as meditation?

One final thought. Whenever I have attempted to meditate in the past, it has been so mentally exhausting. For that reason, I've never been able to successfully do it for long periods of time. I feel as though I have to give a ton of energy just to prevent any kind of thought from popping up (aside from the balloon method, which didn't take quite as much energy). I normally use so much mental energy that I almost always go into some kind of trance when I try to meditate due to exhaustion. Is meditation supposed to be like this?