Lately I've been feeling this sense of urgency about starting to take my spiritual endeavors to a new level. During my projections and meditations I have been really trying to make it a point to try to have a lucid conversation with my higher self. My attempts have not been successful yet, but the more I have been focusing on this intent, I'm starting to have these little 'flashes' or thoughts that resemble 'memories' about a possible conversation I had right before the transition into this life. I don't know if this is possible but a lot of this stuff seems to really make sense to me. Its a little startling. These thoughts are starting to become annoyingly prevalent in my thinking lately... Not necessarily in a bad way though.

According to these alleged memories, I was not totally happy in my previous life for some reason, I was so done with being human I did not want to be reincarnated so I purposely made it a point to set this life up so that it would force me to evolve a little bit more spiritually and so I wouldn't have to spend as many future lifetimes on earth. As a result I had to choose a "higher difficulty level." Being gay was one option, I think I chose to be gay more out of curiousity, for some reason I was attracted by living life more on the edge this time around. Being gay at the time for some reason seemed to be a seductive lifestyle, so I chose that, I don't think I fully comprehended all the other complications that would come with being gay. I did not want to have any physical problems, so I asked if there was another way. So I ended up choosing to face a period of intense emotional and spiritual turmoil. I also chose to be heavily involved with addiction, drugs, and the supernatural. Apparently in my previous life I lived a very straightforward life and was intrigued by these experiences. The entity/ies I was with, informed me I would grow up in a loving environment with loving parents. They said that my best bet was to become a spiritual person if I wanted to progress faster, and that by choosing this particular set of obstacles, if I did not learn my lesson, I could potentially screw up what I worked for, via suicide or getting too seduced by the dark and fall into a lowered vibrational state, and as a result have to repeat a similar life afterwards for as many lifetimes until I learned my lesson. For whatever reason I felt that I was capable of this and went with it. I remember asking if 'anything is really possible on the physical plane' the being/s informed me that anything is possible, but warned that there would be consequences if a person misused them. After this point I think I made the decision to go through with this life, and was informed more details later on.

As I am writing this, its just sends chills down my spine. Lately I have been feeling this intense sense of urgency with the need to make some kind of drastic change in my life, in particularly possibly giving up everything for my spiritual life in order make sure that I end up where I am supposed to be. I feel like a crazy person saying talking about this stuff, could this be for real or am I just loosing my mind? Could this just be a phase? Has anyone felt like this before? My gut really feels like this is for real, I don't even know where to start... I just ordered the book 'Initiation into Hermetics: A Practice of Maigic,' I feel like this might be the next step?