Namaste,

I really need your help with this dilemma I am having. I have social anxiety disorder, which means that I am very self-conscious of what other people are thinking about me. You could think of it as low confidence. One reason I started meditation many years ago was because I wanted to cure this social anxiety. Since, I have much improvement in my social anxiety and general confidence, but occasionally the anxiety resurfaces. I can't seem to get rid of it completely, it comes back from time to time. Anyway, here is my dileema.

I have been watching people who are confident, or at least seem confident. I have noticed certain good traits about them, and certain bad traits I would consider as a meditator. The good traits are they do not seem to hestitate at all when they speak, they say whatever is on their mind, they seem to exhibit a degree of self-love, and this makes them quite attractive and they become the centre of attention for everybody. People tend to like them. It is how I would like to be. The bad trait is they seem to talk quite fast, they seem to exert themselves to much, they tend to interrupt more regularly and be less listening to what others are saying.

My dilemma is, I am not sure whether I should be the listener or the talker. I find that when I am just the listener in groups, everybody else speaks, but me, but the desire to talk is there. And when I am the talker, I feel like I am talking too much, and I am not really listening to what others are saying, just trying to get my word in. But being the talker is easier than being the listener. When I am the listener, because I have been silent for a while, when I start to talk, I am too self-aware that my voice comes out really quiet and suppressed, and my voice will occasionally break while saying something. However, if I talk, and get into the flow of talking, then it is easier to talk, but becomes much harder to listen.

I could take the easy way out and just be the talker, exert myself, and become less of a listener. However, my conscience tells me this is wrong. I wouldn't imagine somebody like Buddha talking all the time, in fact enlightened masters tend to be very silent and only talk when it is necessary. I think naturally I am a listener, I was even born quiet and I have been very mature and meditative throughout my life. I also enjoy counselling others and listening to them. The problem is when I am like this I find talking hard.

Could you please help me out there. As you can see I am quite confused