I'm at my wits end

[lightningbug]

im still not sure what I'm doing wrong

[CFTraveler]

It's not necessary that you're doing something wrong- sometimes, no matter what you do, what comes across to the universe is something different that what you want, and this may be for different reasons- you may have a different intention that you think you do (for example, maybe at this point in your life you had to get to this point, for whatever reason) or cause, or you have a specific mission that isn't what you think you want now. I don't know this is the case, I'm just letting you know that it doesn't have to be that you're doing 'something wrong'.

Even though you sort of told me what you've done (and it sounds like a lot) The distinct feeling in your post (call it flavor if you like) is that you have a very specific expectation for a definite point in time, and it may be counterproductive in your 'big picture'.

However:
I get a sense of your energy going into your want, instead of the feeling you would get if you got what you want.
So my advice would be to stop visualizing what you want to see happen, and try to 'grasp' the feeling you would have (try to remember a time in the past you had that feeling) and put your energy on that feeling, instead of going for a specific deadline.
Do this at specified meditation times, and then, when you're working, try to not project your need to the future, but concentrate on the feeling of the work itself (you know, in a Zenlike way) without thinking of the future.
Try to work in the present, and meditate to the feeling, and not to think of the future, or particulars of how this happens.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[hate]

hi lightningbug i tried to manifest small sums of money compared to your competition prize but i didn't get any of it. i don't know what's the difference between imagination and visualization but it has helped me to have a better feel for objects.

[lightningbug]

It's not necessary that you're doing something wrong- sometimes, no matter what you do, what comes across to the universe is something different that what you want, and this may be for different reasons- you may have a different intention that you think you do (for example, maybe at this point in your life you had to get to this point, for whatever reason) or cause, or you have a specific mission that isn't what you think you want now. I don't know this is the case, I'm just letting you know that it doesn't have to be that you're doing 'something wrong'.

Even though you sort of told me what you've done (and it sounds like a lot) The distinct feeling in your post (call it flavor if you like) is that you have a very specific expectation for a definite point in time, and it may be counterproductive in your 'big picture'.

However:
I get a sense of your energy going into your want, instead of the feeling you would get if you got what you want.
So my advice would be to stop visualizing what you want to see happen, and try to 'grasp' the feeling you would have (try to remember a time in the past you had that feeling) and put your energy on that feeling, instead of going for a specific deadline.
Do this at specified meditation times, and then, when you're working, try to not project your need to the future, but concentrate on the feeling of the work itself (you know, in a Zenlike way) without thinking of the future.
Try to work in the present, and meditate to the feeling, and not to think of the future, or particulars of how this happens.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for your help again, and sorry for the late reply. I'm trying to create so much change in my life, the harder I try, the more I hit a wall. Because my previous attempts to create change in my life haven't worked, I'm not sure how I can change my life right now. The big change I'm talking about is moving out. And my attempts to manifest a higher paying job, just hasn't worked at all. My two problems right now is, I don't even know what kind of higher paying job I want. I'm not sure what job will make me happy. And I'm only assuming none of the jobs I tried to manifest would make me happy, because they never manifested. I'm hesitant to put too much energy into a job that requires years of schooling, because I want to move out now, not years from now.

And, I'm just plain miserable at my min. wage job. And now I'm miserable at home because I've just recently totally lost my independence.

How do I feel what it's like to have these things, adult freedom and independence, and a higher paying job - when I've never experienced these things? I tried to work around this problem just by feeling gratitude for everything I have, so I can bring in that gratitude when feeling these things I want to manifest. But after a few weeks of trying to cultivate gratitude and applying it into action, such as applying to jobs and still nothing is happening - I start to go INSANE.

I've come to another problem, my mom is smothering me to death. My mom has an old car and some days it just doesn't want to work right. So one day she asked if she could borrow my car. No big deal, my car is newest in the family so it's the one that gets borrowed. But then she seemed to like this deal, a little too much. And she started borrowing my car more and more, and she was chaperoning me to work as if I was a teenager. Which also annoyed my boss, because then I had to leave on the dot because it would be rude to leave my ride waiting. My mom asked me the other day if she can take me to work and I was like NO.

I asked my mom to teach me how to cook my own beans using her sofrito. I come home and the beans are cooked. It's like a game now, I can ask my mom to teach me one of her recipes and I can bet she'll cook it the next day for me when I'm at work. She'll give me verbal instructions, but it goes in one ear out the other. I'm a hands on learner only.

The worst and most recent problem is my bedroom. I enjoyed my own bedroom for a few months, in the winter of 09, for the first time in my life. Which was nice because then I can meditate when I went. Now, because of my parents, that liberty is gone. I haven't had the opportunity to meditate all week. No privacy. None. And I lost that liberty - and you can pm me if you want to more details how - the more I talked about moving out.

So, I realize, this whole thing me moving out - its huge!!! It's doesn't just effect my reality. It effects the immediate lives of at least three other adults. I did your forgiveness and release ritual - but I didn't feel it was enough. I feel the more I try to push forward, the more I'm tossed into a hole. Right now, I'm looking at going into getting another degree. I don't even know if I even want this degree. I just imagine I'm gonna take every loan (because I can't seem to manifest a job) and use the loans to move out. Even if it means in three years I have to move back in and I'll be thousands of dollars in debt - I can't see any other way at this point to find liberty and freedom as an adult. (I already have a degree I received three years ago!) And even then, when I told my mom that I might be going to another university in another city - the first thing she says is that she was offered a job opportunity there. And you can bet where that conversation was leading............



help me


seriously

I've tried your forgiveness and release ritual, but I didn't feel it was strong enough!

I've recently looked into Shiva the Destroyer. And I could use what ever is keeping me trapped here demolished, abolished, annihilated, obliterated FOREVER. It's not serving me in anyway to live with my parents. It's literally ruining my life. I don't want to invite anyone over - haven't - because I've no privacy here. I lose all inspiration to work on my artwork. I can't meditate or visualization when I want to. I haven't been able to save up money to move out - because when I do suddenly Mom is in dept and needs my money, and my sister who is also saving up money has encountered this problem as well! I realize change needs to come on my side as well, but that's hard when I can't even find the time to properly meditate because I am finding I keep losing my privacy more and more. Actually, one reason why I was so pissed that mom kept chaperoning me around, was because that was the only place and time I could say affirmations loud was in my car!!

This hole is overwhelming me, and I need something HUGE to annihilate it! And I look forward to it! What can I do to create the change I want in my life NOW? And how do I liberate myself NOW? Even waiting till fall to go back to school pisses me off because I am so sick at working at my crappy job! :cry:

[Palehorse Redivivus]

Hi LB,

Your experience sounds a whole lot like what I went through in trying to gain independence (most specifically in the area of driving) and moving out. Without going into it all, it got to the point of being pretty uncanny, not unlike you're describing, where it's as if every attempt gets blocked or met with extreme resistance in some way.

A few weeks ago a conversation with my brother, who is now dealing with a lot of the same, turned up some things my dad had said to him about me -- as it turns out, what it sounded like to me was that both parents had put a lot of energy, over my entire lifetime, into the intention that I would literally never move out. So, by the time I started putting intent and energy into my own life plans, it seems that there were some very heavy duty thoughtforms in play with a huge head start, on top of various other factors. Unfortunately I never actually figured this out while I was there, because they gave all manner of lip service and token support to whatever my plans were, while things would just mysteriously fall through or throw up heavy resistance at every turn. I've turned up a lot of other factors in play, though I think if I had known about and been able to address that one while I was still there, actually getting out would not have been as hugely problematic as it was. The interference with spiritual pursuits also sounds familiar. It's kind of a joke now, but I remember resorting to trying to meditate at 3am or so because it was the only time I could get some peace, dead quiet, my light's off (indicating I'm probably asleep), everyone else is asleep... 3:02, my dad randomly gets up and comes in "just to say hi." The pattern of never being taught how to do anything practical, whether I asked, or more often, didn't know to ask what I didn't know I was missing, is also very familiar.

Based on what you've said it sounds to me like your mom may have something like this going on -- subconscious (or as in my case, maybe even semi or fully conscious) resistance to your gaining independence. If I could have done my situation over again (and am advising my brother now), my focus would've basically been on creating my own personal sphere, like a cell membrane that only lets in and keeps out the influences I choose, and then ejecting all toxic influences, thoughtforms, entities and projections from others designed to have that effect, out of my space, internally and externally. As my brother is finding now, it can be a lot more difficult to clean out and separate your own identity from such influences when they're something you grew up with and are still ever-present, but if that's the situation, then that's what needs to be done. As I've also advised him, while family relationships are complicated and I'm sure you love your mom as him and I both maintain a mostly positive relationship with our parents -- on this issue, they're not friends or allies, and cannot under any circumstance be thought of or relied upon as such without hindering progress, because nearly any appearance of such is a ruse ultimately designed to foster further dependency. A hard stance to take, but IMO that's pretty much the reality of it when you've got someone identified as clearly trying to hinder your life's progress, no matter who they are. It's all too easy to view one's parents as the main source of support by default, but in this situation support has to come from somewhere else, and don't be afraid to ask others for help in learning things that it seems like others take for granted.

One thing I've found really helpful are what I call "universal principles" -- what I view as the "color palette" or basic forces of creation. Love / Wisdom / Power are what I consider the primaries (cosmologies may vary ), but more recently I've come to view Sovereignty / Liberation similarly as not only concepts, but types of energy that can be tapped, meditated on, drawn from and so forth. If I could do it all over I would've spent a lot of time focusing on and reaching for those, even while going about my day if not able to meditate much. I'm currently undecided as to whether I'd consider them synonymous, but my guess is that getting a good feel for one or both of them, and letting them "flavor" my sphere and inner space, would go a long way in providing contrast that illuminates counterproductive influences that can otherwise be very hard to spot and identify. The other key skill I would strongly recommend working on is decisiveness. The way probability seems to work is that if you're indecisive about how a situation is going to go, and someone else has already decided for you (i.e. "you will not move out"), then the more decisive intent tends to swing the probability more often than not. It can be hard when you don't really know what you want, but what I'd recommend there, is to make a hard plan to any extent that you're able, be certain about it, and if you end up changing your mind, be certain about the new one too. Your own intent for your own space carries a lot more weight than anyone else's by default, but it gets complicated when not only is your intent wishy-washy, but someone else's programming is already in your space and largely unrecognized. Saying "this is my plan, and I intend to clear out anything inconsistent with it" and doing whatever you can to be certain and consistent, even about small steps, can help a lot while the "housecleaning" process is still ongoing.

On a brighter note, one thing I've learned about seemingly impossible situations is that they can bring out or develop unexpected strengths, talents and innovation to compensate for limitations. For example, from rarely getting meditation time and not being great at it when I did, I eventually realized I was limiting myself with the idea that I had to be in meditation to get things done internally, and ended up being able to do most things, and even get a lot better at various forms of sensing, in a regular busy environment, walking around or whatever.

I wish you all the best in getting this resolved in the best way for yourself, and you will, I tells ye.

[Alienor]

The way I see creative visualization is more like a catalyst. Opportunities will show up, but one still needs to spot and take them. And I also believe it needs to become a way of living, rather then just a meditation practice for some minutes - but somewhere one needs to start, so of course the meditation is useful.

The other point is, that we are living to learn stuff and collect experience, from what you write there is a lot of opportunity in your life for learning and experience. Try to see your problems as a learning opportunity and as a kind of teacher giving you a task, like an assignment to create a painting from some mud piles.

Looking at your situation I can share some of my own ideas, but of course you need to find your own way, your own solutions. I am aware, that what I write next, you might always have some reason why that would not work in your situation - as said, you need to find your way, I just thought it might get you started to search for the opportunities in your life.

If I would want to learn those recipes, I would first get pen and paper and as for the ingredients needed. Then you can get the ingredients together and try to set it up at the weekend, so you start cooking and have your mom give instructions.

If you save some money, you can have it on an account without your mom knowing about it. Do give that account a specific name - for what are you saving? If you decide this money already is spent for the purpose, you nor anyone else can take it for any other reason. It is like putting money in one of those "house building saving accounts" - you can only get money/credit for that one purpose. Just make a contract with yourself.

If you want to paint or meditate and it is not possible at your home, why not go to some park, or museum, public library instead?

There are lots of opportunities!

[lightningbug]

One thing I've found really helpful are what I call "universal principles" -- what I view as the "color palette" or basic forces of creation. Love / Wisdom / Power are what I consider the primaries (cosmologies may vary ), but more recently I've come to view Sovereignty / Liberation similarly as not only concepts, but types of energy that can be tapped, meditated on, drawn from and so forth. If I could do it all over I would've spent a lot of time focusing on and reaching for those, even while going about my day if not able to meditate much. I'm currently undecided as to whether I'd consider them synonymous, but my guess is that getting a good feel for one or both of them, and letting them "flavor" my sphere and inner space, would go a long way in providing contrast that illuminates counterproductive influences that can otherwise be very hard to spot and identify. The other key skill I would strongly recommend working on is decisiveness. The way probability seems to work is that if you're indecisive about how a situation is going to go, and someone else has already decided for you (i.e. "you will not move out"), then the more decisive intent tends to swing the probability more often than not. It can be hard when you don't really know what you want, but what I'd recommend there, is to make a hard plan to any extent that you're able, be certain about it, and if you end up changing your mind, be certain about the new one too. Your own intent for your own space carries a lot more weight than anyone else's by default, but it gets complicated when not only is your intent wishy-washy, but someone else's programming is already in your space and largely unrecognized. Saying "this is my plan, and I intend to clear out anything inconsistent with it" and doing whatever you can to be certain and consistent, even about small steps, can help a lot while the "housecleaning" process is still ongoing.

On a brighter note, one thing I've learned about seemingly impossible situations is that they can bring out or develop unexpected strengths, talents and innovation to compensate for limitations. For example, from rarely getting meditation time and not being great at it when I did, I eventually realized I was limiting myself with the idea that I had to be in meditation to get things done internally, and ended up being able to do most things, and even get a lot better at various forms of sensing, in a regular busy environment, walking around or whatever.

I wish you all the best in getting this resolved in the best way for yourself, and you will, I tells ye.

Thank you so much! You seem to really understand what I'm going through! And I really love that word, sovereignty, I can just fall in love with it

Undecisiveness has been a huge battle for me. You can say there are two career paths in front of me, and I've been struggling to know which to follow. And I've just recently realized, one is closer to my heart, while the other is just more of a logical way to make money. . . . I never was a very logical person

[lightningbug]

If you want to paint or meditate and it is not possible at your home, why not go to some park, or museum, public library instead?

There are lots of opportunities!

Thanks for your advice! When I'm outside I'm inspired, then I go back inside and I feel like my mental energy is drained. Now that the weather is much nicer, I think I will be heading to a park soon

[Tutor]

I have asked myself, "what have I given that I should think to receive something?"

I often find out that I've given nothing, even as I've visualized receiving much.

I have found that 'forgiveness' is a practice one should be participating unconditionally. so that alone is not for trade.

I have found that there is not any one person, ever, that is not a sovereign entity, that it is equally so as to be insignificant. therefore, neither is one's soveriegnty up for metaphysical trade.

I have discovered that it is in true sacrifice of giving the sacrificial inch that will in turn deliver a mile.

yet, that too leads to more inches, for as one gives an inch in the world, those worldly will require a mile as well. yet, do not fear that, for if a mile is due to another, it only follows that nine miles will be received so that one mile is met for an other.

I have found that the best metaphysical approach is merely to be satisfied, acceptable of one's lot, and that in that, anything opening to my self is worth more than what my imagination could contrive in a trade.

like, for example, I visualized getting eighty grand several years ago (sounded like a fair amount), so much so that a psychic told me I would receive just that amount very soon, trying to hook me into payment for a more detailed reading, which i declined.

it wasnt that she saw me getting it, it was merely that she saw that i'd imagined it in my field of thought. she may have been psychic, but she was no prophet.

i never received anything from that exercise in futility, so I let it go, took my lumps, and didnt look back.

several years later out of the blue, literally, I received just over 3 times that amount in two phases. the first phase was the smaller amount, and it came in the nick of time, and oddly enough it was exactly what I required to pay my bills off and stay securely on my feet.

thinking that to be the extent of my receiving, and spending every last dime of it as it was crucially needed for my/our financial survival, I again let it go after 'seeding' the last % to charity.

four months later, still well on my feet, I received notice of an extraordinary (for me) amount of money that I would be getting, and it came as the second phase. the first thing i did? well, I 'seeded' every penny that was not mine, that was to be be given to charity. as a matter of fact, I just finished that 'seeding' following the Haiti earthquake with a substantial 5 digit offering toward the reconstruction of an orphanage.

I as well sunk a lot (non-charitable) into my Mother's house where I grew up, in remodeling repairs that had been long past due in the fixing. new heat and air, new windows, insulation, vinyl soffit, trim and new gutters, and a whole host of small tasks.

we as well sent out some to those loved one's needing a helping hand in this downward spiralling economy.

The wife and I gave an inordinate xmas to a young green couple in our neighborhood just because when we asked how their xmas was going they said "what xmas, it is just another day". so we splurged and surprized them to tears.

and two days before this past xmas we found out that the fire dept. was short of funds to gift needy children for xmass, this because they had underestimated the amount of kids, it being quite a bit more kids than last year. so we met that need and the firemen met the childrens needs.

ok, so we kinda went nuts with it, but it's ok because we felt to generously share the love. and we did this quitely as not to draw attention to it or ourselves.

so, friends, it is like this....if you have a request of your own let it go, and by all means put others ahead of yourself first. sacrifice, and find still yet more than you would need piling on behind that practice, and always understand that a portion of that piling on is never yours.

this because, if you are one whom thinks of others, whom themselves do not have the relationship to gain their needs, then you will receive yours when in fact through you theirs are met first. for, you become the avenue of goodwill that they have yet to awaken to, that you have opened your self up to, not just for you but for many more through you.

it isn't about ambition or sovereignty, or any such 'utter' nonsense, because where it comes from identifies all equally. and if you dont have that sense of identifying your world, then you'd best start rubbing elbows with someone who does, for from their practiced relationship perhaps you might get some of what might be yours through them.

you can start right now without a penny to your name. simply take what you dont need, dont use, and freely put it into the cycle which gives it freely to someone who does need it. could be clothes, furniture, anything at all. put some grease on the axle.

practice small and it is like a snowball effect. water follows the path of least resistance, and so does grace. what gives way moves in the flow and is deposited liberally. what refuses to budge gets routed around missing the flow.

visualize a stranger in need receiving their met need.

what is, did not give to us freewill so that following that freedom we'd become oppositional to goodwill, for it is goodwill that has given us our free will, and it is this freedom that is to practice goodwill.

we are free to be good, and the will is what we leave to others when we pass on, but the will should be what we leave to others as we pass through.

T

[CFTraveler]

I agree with what you have written in principle- but I don't call it sacrifice. I call it circulation and gratitude. The reason is simple, and it has to do with how I see the world- to me a sacrifice implies that God requires me to 'suffer' or 'give up', and I don't see it that way- it is simply trust that God will provide, for in giving I fulfill one of those 'God Given' impulses or drives. Now if I can Trust God as much as I say I should, it'll be all right. I think.