I just feel lost in a cycle of trying to gain happiness and losing it again. I make friends, I lose them, I find a happy place, I have to leave it, I meet people, I can't cope with them, I find a good state of mind, it wears off, I find an interest, I lose it, I find peace with my family, I fight with them again. I feel I'm struggling so much to keep my head above depression and difficulties, I keep climbing up hills to slide back. I work so hard to drag myself out of bad situations and I end up slipping back into them.

I feel like loneliness dogs me, I want people around me but cant cope with them, or don't know where to go, or can't relate to people I'm with, can't connect. I keep finding happiness, short friendships and relationships, situations where I feel happy, and losing them again. And I think now, so what, why work so hard to improve my lot if time will pass and Ill end up back where I was.

I just feel so "piled on" with problems - I have some disabilities and special needs that effect me, and I had some childhood problems that gave me a lot of fears, low confidence, fear of relationships. I feel I can't do anything, any career, anything.

sorry for the moan, I'm reading Robert Bruce right now - I've been reading self-help, spiritual books etc for 10 years now and the effects don't last for me. I always get "stronger lessons" that I can't cope with and end up slipping back into despair.

I mean if you could all see what I've been in the last few years, constant suicide threats of family members around me, complete uncalled-for put downs and attacks from those same people, constantly telling me I don't care about them and I hate them despite for having put my life on hold to care for them, constantly telling me I was lazy despite me working from morning to night, scaring me with aggression. I'm living alone now a mess of nervous habits and alcoholism.

I want to find some way to put all this behind me and set my mind on a positive path and improve my life permanently. I want my family to be ok, including those members I complained about just now, and I would like myself to be a bit more at peace. I want to achieve this.