oh man,on days where i feel so happy,and am dreaming big still,smiling,and laughing,what isn't know,is i still have suicidal thoughts. it's hard,today was a day where very painful memories were brought up and i find things that happened to me years ago,i have issues from that i didn't seem to have shortly after it happening..which isnt something i expected and i get so sad thinking i didn't sign for this,to be this girl who went through a lot of messed up things and didn't come from a lot..that stupid cliche that i feel that i am. i have a lot of fear in my vibration these days and for someone like me who wishes for more freedom,to have their freedom feel more restricted because they don't feel as safe,is very frustrating,and so it's been a tough week of that ever since that incident. on top of that, the painful messed up stories that go on in the world,just make me feel like i'm living in hell sometimes,how can people kill babies,and treat babies so cruelly. it's hard,i have anxiety and emotional issues and it bothers me because that happiness when life changed forever for me when i first discovered meditating,and then the loa,i had thought i healed those things,and could really change things,and then only some things changed,and more things happened,to create new anxieties. life isn't happily ever after,ever. even the frightful things that happen seem like dream like,like something another version of myself dreamt. it makes me ponder more how connected sleeping dreams are connected to our true selves..which confirms 3 things...life really is just dream,we have multiple realities,and all of life is symbols and signs.

-water
-yoga
-spirituality
-feeling my feelings
-lemons
-how great my face looks from all the sun,vitamins,and lemon
-rompers
-finding something i want to do
-being inspired to do more visualizing meditating
-reflection
-getting middle eastern food for dinner that i like a lot
-my best friend
-my interests and likes
-that on the outside looking in,i look like i have a lot going for me
-learning and lessening and coming back to myself more and more
-nightskies
-the peacefulness of the rainy day today while on my porch
-having breakfast in my kitchen by the time i awoke
-lovely compliments by someone i worked with who appreciated me and valued me.
-makeup
-getting cute new lingerie ordered
-cleaning the kitchen today
-inspiration in the form of others
-becoming more and more of who i want to be
-getting some yoga pics i had taken of me,and seeing my form is on point
-summertime vibes
-that E contacted me the other day.it boosted my mood. idk why.i deny wanting him,and often think of him just as friendship and how much i just like hanging out,but then occasionally,i feel the other feelings that make him someone that isn't just a friend. it's complicated,but subtly so,at least to me. it doesn't have the dramatic complications others have had in the past,at least not in my perception.i really do just want to be friends,but have also acknowleged feelings. And,for now,i stand that there's not really any guy out there,i have found to be a match for what i want. My ex A is too player-ish,too old,and doesn't get my wants in some ways. he seems the guy who'd want to knock me up,not have me go out anymore(he complained that i'm still into clubbing which annoyed me),marry me,and provide for me sure,but also be flirtasious and whatnot to other women which is something i do not like.
-living in a big city
-that more and more women are doing things like what i do at my age,and older and it looks great,which makes me feel better now that i'm getting just slightly older.
-that i've had no back issues,since i've made more efforts to move more
-that i'm getting a sample sent to me
-coffee and how warm and soothing it is
-getting a job confirmed today
-the beautiful aspects of me ive become and will become
-inspiring pics