27th December, 2011.
Tuesday

“The Colleague.”
I’m waiting at a bus stop with an older woman. While I don’t have a distinct vision of her appearance, I have a real sense of it nonetheless. She is older, with dark brown hair, a matronly body and, I feel, she wears something akin to a shawl that gives her a gipsy feel. I treat her as though she is my work colleague, though there is nobody like her at work, and we’re on our way to a teacher conference at the university.

I’m unhappy because Megan S has reduced her days at St J’s and is working casually at my school on her day off. It is unacceptable to me that she should bring her form of manipulation and disruption to our school after making my life and the lives of others so miserable at our last school. I’m telling the older woman about it, saying that she just won’t comprehend all the things M has done and the kind of damage of which she’s capable.

A bus arrives and, curiously, I see two magazines in its rims. I pick one out and look at its glossy cover, feeling it’s perfectly okay that I do so – it’s for me. Post dream I feel this was supposed to make an impression on me, that there’s something I was meant to receive from it like a rote (an information package) but I doubt I’m focused enough because I have no recollection beyond receiving it and then asking the colleague if she wants it. She does, so I pass it to her. The magazine, like a book or computer is usually an indication of mental plane access for me but I suspect I don’t make it all the way on this occasion.

Now I’m on a train. Momentarily I see the seats are facing towards where the window would be but we’re still moving. There’s no sense of anything in front of us where the train wall would be and no view or wind rushing past. I hear two people talking on my left. A girl asks her father, does he think ghosts are real. I lean forward, so as to speak past the person nearest me and assure them they are, that I’ve seen them with my own eyes. Then I laugh, “I don’t mind telling you, I don’t care if you think I’m crazy because I’ll never see you again. It means nothing to me what you think of me.” They laugh in agreement.

Now we’ve reached the platform and I realize I have one boot off. I’m struggling to put it on as the colleague disembarks. There’s no reason I shouldn’t get off though: I have time. I get to the doors but the train won’t slow enough for me to get off and follow my colleague who knows the way to the in-service, the room numbers and the schedule of events. There’s a station guard at the door of the train and I ask him to tell the driver to stop, that it isn’t fair not to stop fully and properly at the station. The master is stubborn – he will not let me pass. I sigh in resignation and ask him how long until the next stop. He replies an hour, much to my surprise. I’m calculating how late I’ll be getting to the conference and wondering if it’s worth it, if I’ll even know where to go without my colleague to guide me.

“The Second Effort”
I’m with my eldest son, F, and we’ve disembarked a train and walking towards Sydney University. Our mood is happy and positive but I tell him I’m unsure of the rooms and the schedule and will need to work it out when we arrive.

Now I’m arrived but F has disappeared and I’m carrying a large, sleeping, baby. He’s about 18 months old and naked. All I seem to have is a sheet to wrap him but he’s hard to wrap because he’s become so heavy and I don’t feel I can sit down because I’m searching for the place I need to be. At the same time, I need to take responsibility for him. I feel he hasn’t been fed for too long and must be given some fluids. I’m searching among lockers where I feel I’ll find something for him but I can’t recall a locker number and I’m vaguely wondering why I even think I have a locker as I don’t remember getting one. I briefly wonder if I should breastfeed him but I feel heavily resistant to that notion. I’m getting confused, walking around corners and finding yet more lockers. The baby is a heavy weight and I wonder why I don’t have a stroller for him; I carry him poorly, his legs dangling. All the while he sleeps. I’m aware too of people at counters, assistants watching my lack of progress and others milling past. It doesn’t occur to me they might help me.

Notes: Before bed I vaguely asked for a leading edge of growth dream but since this request invariably leads to a dream I can’t remember, I asked them to bring it down a notch or two to something I would recall. There’s a long first dream that is totally forgotten now, erased by the memory of “The Colleague” dream, which is a shame because it was more pleasant IIRC. Hopefully it’ll come back as the day unfolds.

The second dream seems to end with a gatekeeper experience, while “The Second Effort” gets me to my destination but then I’m impeded by the weight of an astral elemental. I suspect the elemental is a result of current concerns about my almost-eighteen-year-old leaving home for uni.

I do take away the necessary information that I must forgive the ghosts of the past and overcome fear that such things can touch me again in my present if I’m to unburden myself and progress. Tomorrow will be a good test as I’ll see some of my former colleagues who still work with M. It also occurs to me that I shouldn’t worry about F’s living arrangements and lack of personal income until problems arise.