First part of my Post copied from Extreme sports: Awakening

Seven & a half years on, i am still in the 'adjustment period', i have still not fathomed out how to continuously navigate in a better way. I know the potential to do so exists, as i have experienced this many times. However it seems the mental understandings of the 'how to' i am still learning /working out & also the capabilities of the 'how to' are seemingly needing more practice to embed, so as to become more readily available for me to use continuously.

Barbara Marciniak & the P.'s say that one of the reasons we are here is to 'learn how to use our biological computer'

This is what i am still busily focused /working on more than 7 yrs. later

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So when i can, i put my attention on an aspect of myself (being mindful ?)

obstacles to this include
  • forgetting to do so, or forgetting to continue doing so
  • mood or emotional space not allowing me to even attempt to pay any attention of anything or even think

i have found that paying attention to
  • 'where i'm at' or
  • 'what's going on for myself'

​is the most useful place to focus as this then allows me to 'know' what i need on a feeling level. However i find this focus of attention still very hard to acheive, & often find myself focusing on what i am doing physically instead.

Once i arrive in work, my ability to 'stay present' with myself is 'lost' & if i remember to 'come back' at any time during my morning in work, all i really 'get' is a feeling of emotional discomfort.

Travelling home on the bus, i am usually able to think about paying attention once again, but at this point, i don't even know where to focus my attention anymore and everything i try feels very emotionally uncomfortable. I often end up 'going off', lost in thoughts by default, as this is much more comfortable.....no awareness of anything.

I am still having to put in huge amounts of effort, focus & energy to engage with my 'feeling-self' to enable myself to function from a 'feeling-level' state of being, but presently my 'feeling-self' keeps me (mostly) very limited in my choices & options......it's a very small space.. (unless i am able to engage alot & open more of the space)

If i ignore my 'feeling-self' & just function from a mental state of being (my old default mode) i quickly become physically exhausted & emotionally uncomfortable & am unable to function for long in this way anymore either.