GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

"-realizing A loves me and how much it touched me to think of that last big sign i got from him and finding an article to get more info about what it meant,that thing he had said.and how it made me feel and how profound it just changed me

-D texting me today a short text basically a shy way of saying what's going on with me. lol. which gave me more courage to go through with my plan that i executed about an hour ago of sending my next wacky vengeance text that was very hilarious.i cracked up laughing thinking of it last night and sending it an hour ago"

This is setting off warning bells for me. Talking about the new man as if he is a fantasy lover to solve all problems while talking about revenge on the last man. I have seen women speak in this way before and set themselves up for big falls. Try to look at things detached and realistic. I mean no offence and I'm not saying the new man is not good or the right one, but I've seen lots of female friends in the same situations talk in these exact terms and phrases (and seen them in the state of mind I am getting from the post) setting themselves up for big falls.

Lol,that came out wrong. Actually,A is someone i've known for 4 years now and only technically met twice but we have a strange deep soul connection. we had gone out on a date once but thought the other hated the other after,and strange occurences since then and then reuniting for something serendiptously last year. it rocked my world seeing him and changed my perceptions on things a lot. since then we have talked a little bit,and both seem to like each other,get a lot of serendipity but have not had it work out yet to actually getting together. i flaked on him out of nerves for example and things like that. A is surrounded with beautiful girls and probably dates some of them.i don't think he really likes any of them though because he wants a girlfriend yet has been single for some time. until the universe has us align to be together,i can only try and go with the flow. as for D,we aren't dating either but D has been not the nicest to me ever since we first started talking. last week was the last straw after he said out of anger he had been trying to date girls on this hookup app even though he had been stringing me along and playing games all month and i had been so patient thinking he was just wounded because he just got dumped. so,D although he may not be dating other girls,claims(though he could have been lying to hurt me) he has been trying. D and i haven't yet dated either. he just asked me out and we kept talking and talking and we've even fought already. So,basically,i'm not dating either. And, A is actually the one from the past. They can both do what they want though as can i since i'm not dating either of them. And my revenge on D was playful not cruel. I would never do anything tasteless. It was more kind of silly. As for D,there's not really much that can be had by now. He asked me out,by now,all the way back almost TWO months ago. Partially,it was my fault for the delay. Then,he got weird,and it stayed weird,and after he revealed what he revealed last week,there's not much that can be done. I'd like to stay friends with him,but he may not like that. i'm not even mad at him anymore,i got it out and i seen his true colors. I don't consider any of them fantasy lovers. I just adore A and always will and D had intrigued me but played so many games and we never did even end up going out,not even once. So,it's hard not to be frustrated at him. I do need to be detached,though. I agree. Ah,well he just texted me now. Could be really bad. lol. I do need to be detached. I don't like the attachment feeling that comes from interacting. I just want to be peace,but with some good excitement. It's hard though when you want something and then there's so much drama and it just isn't working out. Attachment is a weird thing. Even when you aren't sure of something,attachment can be strong. I wish i knew why that was or ways to aid in detachment. I want to feel connected and interconnected with others and filled by that but also detached and flowing. I have some ideas but i need to work on this aspect definitely otherwise,it'll just pop back up in other people.

[buzzcock]

well, remember to keep your sense of self , ie hobbies and friends, dont let yourself get defined by all the people worries.

[buttercup]

well, remember to keep your sense of self , ie hobbies and friends, dont let yourself get defined by all the people worries.

I agree. I think i let him distract me too much but we talked this morning and worked it out. the weirdness from the past month is now gone and explained,i guess. weird,i thought we were over.i also did something for work that boosted my confidence today and am feeling spiritually centered.

[buttercup]

-thinking d and i were over last night for good and that i'd put it behind me and shed away the layers from all that and focus on what new i can bring in my life and how i can move forward. but,i also did another tarot reading and to my surprise got positive readings saying we are going to unite and it's a kismet relationship. which,is what i've felt since we first started talking which is why it drove me crazy how he was being. i'm not often wrong about these things.
-water
-waking up and seeing sure enough,a few texts from D telling me can i please explain more why i'm mad and saying good morning and that he likes me. feeling fed up,and over it,i told him we can just be friends and came out with it,at first telling him i have nothing to say but when he said he wishes he knew what he did,i just said him stringing me along,etc,etc and we talked it out,and he claimed he didnt think i was that into him and that he felt he had to stretch to get me to text him and that im sweet and all these things and saying let's meet up and asking me what dates i'm free. so,idk,if this is just another game from him or what,but we seemed to be on the same page,him saying he had been confused by me and i told him i don't know how i've always been nice to him but am not going to chase him. so,i think now,were going to go out as friends? unless he is toying me again. we'll see.i can't quite figure him out.
-makeup
-new ideas on how to transform my look to be more attractive that i think i'm going to do
-yoga
-going to meet the person for work. it went really well! and boosted my confidence even if she doesn't call but i think she will
-doing things that are different and will make people wonder
-sleep
-having a slightly darker skin tone now
-changing the part in my hair
-feeling clean
-music
-style
-deciding not to tell creative director about D..or best friend. they think he's a bonehead after all i've said,so i want to keep it on the down low for now that i'm still talking to him and agreed to meet him still....even i feel nervous,like what am i doing. on one hand,he seems to really like me,but on the other,i just don't know. and,i feel i won't until we meet in person.if we ever do.
-having a place to live
-meditation
-changing history
-cute socks
-social media
-my winter hat
-heat
-feeling prettier when i take the effort versus being lazy
-my spiritual realization about dissolving fear and choosing love to feel love
-my ideas
-the things i create
-feeling comfortable and cozy
-feeling in an overall pleasant mood today
-the sun and sitting on the porch for ten minutes even though it was freezing,the fresh air and sun felt good
-being resourceful
-being in tune with certain others in ways that is very mysterious
-my back and neck ache finally being gone. somehow.
-cool things to discover
-waking up earlier today
-beauty

[buttercup]

-feeling in an overall pleasant mood today
-chips
-the sun
-sitting on the porch for 15 minutes
-my photo editing apps on my phone
-my wisdom and unique way of seeing things and being able to express them
-being classy but unique
-soul connections
-love
-admiration
-ginger ale
-coffee
-weather being slightly warmer today
-inspiration
-my ambition
-d texting me today calling me beautiful and i think trying to impress me today
-laughing about work today
-best friend being in a chipper mood these last two days
-getting decisive about the little things
-changing the part in my hair and how much better it made me feel
-sleeping a little better last night
-paying attention to the weird feelings i got randomly last night about D and him reminding me of now two of my enemies..i wonder if that's a sign. also the weird thing where i heard a buzzing in my ear before i fell asleep. and the weird thing with that angel mirror shaking and feeling a prescence again
-being talented
-feeling my feelings
-house being a little warmer today
-trusting in the power of happiness
-nightskies
-feeling more forward moving then last month

[buttercup]

- a lot of change with me and D in the last two days...idk how to feel about it.i'm cautious and have been hiding it from the two people i tell a lot,too.in the last two days,he's really changed. he's been all over me. he's been texting me a lot more,even when i'm short with him,sending me pics,saying random weird things to me out of nowwhere like "kiss kiss." sending me funny pics. telling me he is being as clear and honest to me as he can about his feelings that he likes me and did not mean to string me along and wants to potentially have the opportunity to kiss me someday and maybe someday more and when isaid i said we meet as friends he said huh,but i like you. he has said those exact words i like you so many times in the last two days. lol.i straight out told him he scares me and i wonder if he is going to hurt me and he thinks it's good im nervous,maybe it means i like him and i told him i think we didn't cross each other's paths by chance and it's not like me to get so affected by someone. i told him maybe i'm oversharing but i don't care at this point.i don't know what's going on,he did disappear again after a point in the conversation but i just don't care anymore he is weird and i feel stupid even still talking to him.i can't figure him out. and,i even suspected he lied to me last night. he checked in somewhere he just was earlier in the night after telling me repeatedly he just got home and is in bed. it could be a late check in,people do that,check in after the fact but still. as long as i dont tell anyone im talking to him,it'll be ok.
-passion
-discovering new music that really takes me away
-feeling thin and like i have a sexy body today,nice and thin with perfect curves
-feeling and looking pretty today
-the innocence in my face
-my beautiful hair
-my eyes
-posting a new pic on instagram i'm happy about
-creative director telling me i have goodies on the way she is sending me.
-starting to feel a smidge more confident and decisive about things
-mobile phone apps and all the ability it gives me to create really cool things
-coffee
-sleep
-feeling clean
-feeling comfortable
-feeling in an overall pleasant mood
-art
-positive signs
-being me
-feeling my feelings and acknowledging them
-being cutesy and innocent. it seems to be a thing guys like about me a lot
-water
-the change in my life that is happening
-the month of november
-flirtations
-my job being a ------
-the feeling of romance

[buttercup]

-cats
-appreciation
-the amazing things D has said to me and all the confusion finally cleared these last two,three days.the fact that i made an order on cosmic ordering site for D to add me back on facebook since i deleted him on october. the order was due the 23rd and i made it about 3 weeks ago and i got a text from him telling me he re-added me last night and sure enough in my email,i got an email saying my cosmic order was due an hour before he had texted. right in time! kinda cool manifestation. also,realizing now that the reason D disappeared a night ago was because i brought up facebook and that that is why he got so weird on me in the first place back when things got super weird in october with him..he had seen i had deleted him and hadn't seen at first but not until a day later. and so when i brought it up a night ago he got quiet on me then added me the next day. how clingy he has been which is his true nature he had just held it back because of a comment i had said back in september. him telling me last night the reason he has been the way he is the whole time is because i make him so nervous because im so gorgeous and he wants to be the confident man i want and so thats why he played it cool. i opened up to him about things too from my past.he said he wants a woman who he can explore sexually,physically and emotionally and listed all the qualities i have even random ones like a description of one of the things which what i do for a living i knew he really liked my primary job and was what drew him to me so i thought he didn't like as much my secondary career so saying thats what he wants in a woman and saying he likes my beauty,smarts,attitude,etc.he admitted he's had a lot of crazy thoughts ever since we first started talking. he also told me he gets attached easily and heartbroken easily and is clingy.he admitted more personal things too that he has touched himself to me sometimes and touched himself to some of my text messages and then he started later on doing that while we were talking after telling me things he has thought about me about licking my beautiful -----. i told him he can tell me what he thinks and feels. he went too far though wanting me to send a pic when i told him before i don't do that and he knows what i look like online from facebook and when we meet but he was getting a little carried away even calling me babe(first time giving me a pet name)and saying he doesn't want to ------to a facebook photo. and to just send him a basic plain selfie. it was obvious he was in the middle of it based on how he was talking to me. i got really upset and we had our worst fight ever. a lot was said.i told him i hate him and he's disgusting. he ended up getting mad at me and swearing at me and saying i made him feel like an idiot and am being selfish about how he feels. i accused him of giving me lines this whole time and told him i feel fooled i opened up to him and that all he feels is lust.he said he meant everything he said repeatedly and that he told me what he's looking for.he told me he i am beautiful and gorgeous and he is not going to apologize for being attracted to me and sent a pic of himself with a normal face expression laying down in a sweater shoulders up saying does this make him a whore because i had said in my anger i'm not a whore and that he thinks girls who send pics are superior to girls who dont and we debated about that him saying there is nothing whoreish about girls who do that. he said all he wanted was a picture of me as i am. he seemed like he felt really stupid and like i made him feel awful. he said he was going to bed and goodnight "my name" and sweet dreams and that he hopes i'll forgive this awful miscommunication. i couldn't sleep so texted him two hours later saying sorry i overreacted and i shouldnt have said some of the things i said to him and that i just have some things i'm not comfortable doing but i do want to give myself to him and that it really meant a lot to me what he had said earlier about being nervous and wanting to be the confident guy i want and thats why he played it cool and that iwant him to tell me how he feels and thinks and i think he just got carried away and thats why we had the upset. he replied two hours later in the morning saying it's ok baby,we will be ok and saying he just wanted a picture of me as i am and that he likes photography and loves sending me selfies of himself and he sent me another one of him. it was a little distant today i told him i do still feel a little awkward and he said before that just not to get mad at things that are innocuous and then he admitted that he wasn't mad at me,just frustrated and that he did get a little carried away. we seem to be normal now. idk what's happened. we fight a lot but we seem closer then we ever have been so far. and,these last 2-3 days have cut through every single confusion,literally of why he had been so weird.i can tell he tests me,he tested me at least twice last night or three times with certain things .i appreciate that we are closer now though and have moved past all these levels. it's like we are already in a relationship.
-going to a coffee shop that i really like the next neighborhood over and trying a vegan pastry and having a good experience that went really well with my friend and the barista and how nice he was! such a cool vibe place
-my skin looking better today because of the new moisturizer i bought
-art
-fun music
-deciding to be more focused today and not be so distractable by things like D
-changing my hair part which gives me more confidence
-cute socks like knee high and over the knee
-instagram likes on my pictures and appreciating my instagram again
-that D clearly wants in my world and is trying to stake his claim little by little bringing himself in my world more and more. i feel like his little project. lol.
-feeling slim despite not exercising much the past week
-feeling a little more physically confident
-exploration and newness
-the nicer weather especially yesterday and today too.
-being very highly attractive and above average in looks
-makeup and beauty products
-spacing out my texts to D more and more so i stay a little more detached and a little more in power
-physical exercise
-being wanted as much as i am
-my creativity
-my talents
-deciding to keep D a secret now from the two people i tell the most to

[buttercup]

-inspiration pics that i make to express myself and feel good
-my creativity and vision
-how pretty i am looking lately
-my skin being better now from moisturizer and getting diet better again
-my hair and how nice it looks a little messy
-a longer workout like how i used to do before i threw out my rebounder and the really nice yin yoga session and how good it made me feel
-feeling sexy
-feeling more body confident
-feeling desired
-the amazing thing D said to me saturday night that is everything and that i can't get out of my head. that i make him nervous because i'm so gorgeous and he wants to be the confident man i want so that's why he's played it cool this whole time
-the first time D called me baby on sunday morning,that were at that stage now
-being a -----(my primary career)and how D even came to know of me
-my beauty
-music and music that expresses exactly how you feel and what your going through
-how D makes me feel he makes me feel like he's a nerd and i'm a playboy model and although i have the job title i do,it's not often men make me feel quite like the goddess he makes me feel like
-liking D,i like his personality he is dark but kind and i like it
-photo chosen for project 20 chosen so can get that out which is nice!
-reflection,hindsight and seeing it altogether and how much forward D and i have moved in just this last 5 days
-water
-heat
-sweaters
-getting better sleep last night/this morning. was very healing.
-how good it feels to have an interest in my life again. I adore A but it's incredibly clear our time is not now and my focus is on D. I want D,i'm meant to be with D,i can feel it in my bones.
-the signs
-the sexual energy between me and D
-as awkward as it is,D randomly telling me he's done "something" to me sometimes since we first began talking makes me feel both creeped out yet weirdly intrigued. he's made it sound like he's been obsessed with me since we first began talking and cant control it.i even enjoy his little control freak tendencies and mind games of trying to stake his place in my life.it's dark but interesting.
-being feminine
-being young
-that D has an older,almost fatherly feel to him and how childish me makes me feel
-the perfect things D has said thru out this time that always comes out unexpectedly that either touch on some forbidden sexual subtlety,or makes me feel like a perfect goddess,or like a little girl and yet how through it all,i never feel like he sees me as anything less then an angel,i never feel like the sexual side of him is seeing me in degrading ways but as if i'm a fantasy
-how romantic D is
-that i'm now back to being into him. after the unfolding on things starting wed night up to now it started with were over,to him clarifying things and getting clarification himself and changing EVERYTHING and answering every question i had,,to me still saying as friends,to him telling me what he has thought of me this whole time which pierced deep in my soul to our worst fight ever to the first time he called me baby,to me admitting i'd have sex with him which basically confirmed my interest still and now were here. there's no going back after this.
-tea
-that D has been good to me. everytime i get nervous and insecure and then find out he's really listening to me.
-that my brother is ok. heard something scary but it was a false alarm.
-positive intentions
-that D sometimes says little things to make me feel better about myself when he senses or knows i'm not feeling best even though i never tell him. it's super sweet,its like he wants me to feel perfect even if i never was the one to tell him i don't feel that way. it's like he only wants me to feel like im beautiful and never to feel like i'm a bitch or anything but only respectful ways. as soon as i said on wed that idk,maybe people think i'm a bitch he completely changed his energy as well like he felt really bad and would never want me to feel that way.

[buttercup]

-wanting to surrender to D
-feeling feelings for D,for sure feelings for him not wishy washy anymore.
-my hair
-going tanning today and the first time no issues with anything that made me have to ask questions and get embarrassed. how nice.
-food
-veganism
-ideas that come out of my frustration that i've been thinking about for awhile and playing with for a bit,that tells me it's a next phase for awhile and ways to put it altogether..this may be a new progression of my primary profession for awhile..
-all the laughter from my secondary career and how hilarious and twisted sense of humor my creative director has
-hilarious work jokes and posting a vaguebook reference to it and creative director posting hilarious comment back to it on my facebook status.
-worrying about D maybe taking the joke and reading too much into and reading it wrongly when really i was thinking about him with it just to see two hours later,he liked the status too. he liked the status about a joke he has no idea what it could mean unless he is going on my work page to get an idea which then he would see could be a flattering reference to him. it was very sweet puppy love for him to like that status and i'm glad he did. it may sound silly but guys who i like or am dating don't usually like much of my facebook posts,it's really rare, if at all so i'm glad he does. it may be silly but it makes me feel connected and like he's paying attention to me.
-how much better i feel about my hair since trimming the ends
-cheesy metaphysical jokes that are flirty and funny and my nerdy sense of humor
-that D is clearly paying a lot of attention to me i like how says things to try to impress me based on what i've written on my personal blog. he wants me the guy i want and it's so sweet
-how much has changed with me and D and how it feels like were already in a relationship. i just know were about to be,there's already a sense of closeness.
-sweaters
-fashion and style
-healing your past meditations
-creativity and art
-passion
-beauty
-healing
-tibetan singing bowls music
-keeping D a secret still. it's been about 6 days since i've mentioned D to the people i talk to the most and i love it. i feel it makes things much better and makes me feel better about things. the temptation to share is natural but i feel there's a beauty to keeping things quiet for awhile. i'd still feel silly telling anyone about him despite how much has changed in this last 5-6 days. i'd rather just surprise everyone at this point when something major happens and like were in a relationship or something.i just can't get over how much he has changed. it's like as soon as i came out with things last week,it cleared up soo much confusion for him and made him understand and see things differently and the more his confusion cleared up,the more mine did,too. it's been a very mutual clarification and ever since we just seem very united and like we get each other now.
-being a woman. it may have it's hardships but it's fun
-masculine energy

[buttercup]

not my day. highly emotional all day,very hurt by D and not trusting him and having internet glitches and heat not working.
-that i'm not that cold since the heat not working
-that D texted
-that i didn't respond to D's text. i'm getting better at ignoring
-expressing myself and not caring on my blog,my crazy and my internal struggles
-protein drinks
-crying and letting it out
-feeling better about one picture of myself and liking how cleavage looks
-my hair and how great it looks,how long and thick it is
-over the knee socks to keep warm
-allowing myself to feel vulnerable on my blog. it's unlike me to be quite so vulnerable but it's a phase i'm going through and feels needed and cleansing
-being feminine
-my interests
-strong knowing out of nowwhere today and last night that something major is going to happen before this week is over and that life will be very different before january
-business partner saying boyfriend when i told her that by the time she is back from the holidays my life will be very different but i dont know how or what though..i dont know where she would get that from..i've been keeping D a secret and am not speaking to him now. maybe she suspects we had worked things out but i told her im not even talking to anyone and don't see how that could possibly happen.
-the determination and craziness i felt in my despair for something to happen. as down as i felt it felt good
-going for a short drive just now
-wanting to just cry it out. sometimes you just need to. i'm trying to release it more because i want to cry and feel those feelings but tears not coming out as easy as i want
-face moisturizer
-deciding today to choose career over love.
-free bottle of wine
-getting more work done from being in so much pain
-best friend saying i have so many internal struggles he doesn't know how i do it. it was interesting. why do i have so many inner struggles. it's like i'm meant to have a lot of emotional turmoil in my life
-being strong so far in letting D go. it's for the best. if i can just cry it out tonight,it'll make releasing him even easier and be easier to be stronger.i have wine so am hoping a glass of wine will help with that. just one glass so i don't get drunk and accidentally text him. we've had so much drama by now it just isn't right. doomed before it starts.
-the positive,romantic-y feelings i had last night. it's gone now and i'm in a new direction but it was nice while it lasted.
-a nice warm bath i will have tonight to relax
-a meetup i can go to this weekend in a neighborhood i like at a place i wanted to go to before